HUMOR Digest - 25 Oct 1998 to 26 Oct 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 479 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. CIA Assassin Test
  2. Weekly Traffic Report
  3. Top Ten Signs You're 'Burned Out' Because of Work
  4. Goin' Fishin'
  5. The Test Tube Baby (Pun)
  6. It's Dark (adult)
  7. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  8. Zack & His Mule
 
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Date:    Sun, 25 Oct 1998 07:37:54 GMT
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: CIA Assassin Test
 
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an
assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill,
and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved
before you can even be considered for the position.
 
After putting a number of suitable applicants through the training
and testing, the choice was narrowed down to 2 men and a woman, but
only one position was available.  The day came for the final test
to see which person would get the extremely secretive job.  The CIA
men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Take this gun and kill her."
 
The man looked shocked and said, "You can't be serious!  I could
never shoot my own wife!"
 
"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for
this job then."
 
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a
gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what
the circumstances", they explained.  "Inside you will find your
wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
 
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun
and went into the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then
the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his
eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and
shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
 
"No," the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes.  Take
your wife and go home."
 
Now they had only the woman left to test. Again they led her to
the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We
must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your
husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
 
The woman took the gun and opened the door.  Before the door even
closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing.  One
shot after another for 13 shots.  They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all
went quiet.
 
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the
sweat from her brow and said "The damn gun was loaded with blanks!
I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 25 Oct 1998 05:14:48 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report
 
Good Morning y'all, here I am again with this week's Traffic
Report. This is the Weekly Traffic Report that is sent to all
of the Humor List subscribers once a month.
 
As far as collecting the Digests for previous years, I'm happy to
report that thanks to both Tim Holliefield and Antonio Oliveros,
I now have all of the 1995-1996 Digests plus some of the 1993-1994
mailings as well.  If you have any 1993 or 1994 Digests intact,
please contact me.
 
I will be compiling the Digests this winter and posting them on our
web site.  I would hope that most of you have a chance to visit it
soon and look it over, then offer any suggestions you'd like to see
incorporated.           www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
 
 
                                            JimJr
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
     Traffic Report for HUMOR, 18 Oct 1998 - 24 Oct 1998
 
                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                     Last   3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Past
Date   Day           Year     Back     Back     Back     Week
 
 18  Sunday           10       10        9        8        5
 19  Monday           15        9       12        8        9
 20  Tuesday          15       13       14       12       10
 21  Wednesday        14       10       10       10       10
 22  Thursday         10       10       11       15        9
 23  Friday           12       10       12       15        6
 24  Saturday          8        5       12        5        8
 
   (Average)          12       10       11       10        8
 
Subscriptions      8,801    7,718    7,730    7,747    7,751
Countries            103      120      120      120      120
Contributors         710      610      607      602      603
 
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
mailings.  The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers.
 
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Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belarus,
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Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark,
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Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia,
Germany, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland,
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Pakistan, Panama, Peru,  Philippines, Poland, Portugal, Qatar,
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Total countries: 120
 
           Email me if your country is not listed here.
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HUMOR GOALS
 
A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning
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Archived Files:
 
A complete set of the UGA Humor Digests for 1997-1998,
with the original Subject indexes for easy searching:
 
                [original text format]
     http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
 
      [original text compressed to zip format]
     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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And now for a contribution of humor:
 
No one really knows what's going to happen to the financial
markets, not just in the US, but all over the world.  I can offer
some common definitions though, so we'll all be speaking the same
language:
 
         Slow-Down - Your company stops overtime, reduces benefits
         Recession - A friend loses their job
        Depression - You lose your job
             Panic - Your wife loses her job
 
 
                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 25 Oct 1998 07:44:05 -0500
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Top Ten Signs You're 'Burned Out' Because of Work
 
10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
 9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you
    immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
 8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
 7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but
    go back to sleep because you just don't care.
 6. You have so much on your mind, you've forget often
    how to pee.
 5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it
    through... er... Monday.
 4. You sleep more at work than at home.
 3. You leave for a party and instinctively take your
    ID badge.
 2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
 1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you
    were in jail right now.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 25 Oct 1998 08:55:26 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Goin' Fishin'
 
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know
which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the
register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark
shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything
about this rod and reel?"
 
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I
can tell  you everything you need to know about it from the sound
that it makes."  She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the
counter anyway. He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202
reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel and
it's $20.00".
 
She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter.  I think it's what I'm looking
for so I'll take it."
 
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime
the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that
there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't
know that she was the only person around.  He rings up the sale and
says, "That will be $25.50."
 
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am,
the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish
stink bait is $2.50."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 25 Oct 1998 13:02:46 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Test Tube Baby(Pun)
 
A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was
visiting the hospital nursery to see his new son. As the proud
father was admiring his handsome baby through the glass partition,
he could not help but notice that the baby in the next bassinet
seemed frail and sickly looking by comparison.
 
Just then a nurse went walking by and the man stopped her for a
moment. "What's the matter with that little fellow?" he asked. "He
seems awfully puny and underweight."
 
"He's one of those artificial insemination babies," explained the
nurse, and he's been coming along rather slowly, I'm afraid."
 
"Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine," said the man.
 
"What's that?" asked the nurse.
 
Replied the man with a smile...
"Spare the rod and spoil the child,"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 25 Oct 1998 16:06:05 -0600
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: It's Dark(adult)
 
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over,
she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman
hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as
well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here,
isn't it?"
 
"Yes, it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
 
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist
continues.
 
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he's in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?" the man repeats incredulously, but complies
to protect his hidden position.
 
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she
hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the
closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy
starts off.
 
"Yes, it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his
disadvantage.
 
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
 
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get
your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
 
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS? That's thievery! I'm taking you to the
church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for
forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
 
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws
the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
 
To which the priest exclaims, "Don't you start that shit in here."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 25 Oct 1998 21:13:15 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
 
WARNING: May be offensive to American politicians, folically
challenged men, bugs, intellectually challenged fighters, Monican
Lewinsky. Includes references to illegal drug use.
 
October is National Sarcastic Awareness Month. Oh goody, that's the
best news I've heard all minute.
 
Ben & Jerry's has come up with a new flavor of ice cream sure to
please Republicans. It's called Im-Peach-Mint
 
A public relations expert says that if Monica Lewinsky wants to put
her life back together, she should get married and drop out of site
for awhile. Monica says she hasn't received any marriage proposals
yet, but she has been invited to several bachelor parties.
(O'Brien)
 
It's being reported that Linda Tripp passed a lie detector test
in which she denied tampering with the Monica Lewinsky tapes.
Afterward, Tripp said, "Tampering with secretly recorded
conversations between friends would be wrong." (O'Brien)
 
The IRS has reprimanded more than a dozen senior managers for
breaking rules and setting collection quotas. The IRS Commissioner
said, "Rest assured, if this happens again, these people will get a
stern talking to and maybe even an icy glare.
 
Mike Tyson was declared mentally fit to return to boxing, despite
hit biting incident. Tyson was quoted as saying, "This just shows
that everyone deserves a chance at seconds, um, I mean a second
chance."
 
The Pentagon has ordered 153 publications, including Penthouse,
Playboy and Hustler, off military bases. It's part of their new,
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Even Look policy."
 
The Pentagon also recently announced plans to spend $50 million in
the next year on Viagra for soldiers. Wouldn't it be cheaper to
just let them buy the magazines?
 
A fertility doctor in New York has used a cloning procedure to help
older women get pregnant. He takes the egg from a younger woman,
hollows it out, and inserts the nucleus from the egg of the older
woman. Now, I'm not an expert here, but... isn't this how you make
deviled eggs? (Leno)
 
The Department of Health is calling for a cleanup of U.S. cities,
saying there are twice as many rats as people living in Washington
D.C. That's because we keep sending our garbage there.
 
Grammy winning rapper Coolio was arrested in Lawndale on drug
charges:    The cops saw him from afar
            They threw him in their car
            And quicker than a wink
            He was sittin' in the clink
 
Citing fear of terrorists, British Airways has announced that it
will refuse to allow author Salmon Rushdie abord its aircraft. They
will, however, continue to deliver his luggage to any city he
doesn't want it to go to.
 
Silly Putty celebrated its 49th birthday this year. In an effort
to update the product's image and maintain a certain amount of
political correctness, it's now being called "Intellectually
Challenged Putty."
 
The animated movie "Antz" is pulling in crowds, and Disney hopes to
do the same with its film, "A Bug's Life". I have just one thing to
say about that: RAID!
 
An ad agency in Florida has developed a series of TV commercials
featuring a talking sandwich. Hopefully, Taco Bell won't try this
with their Burrito Supreme.
 
A Day in the Garden music festival was held at the site of the
original Woodstock concert. What a change from the old days...
this time, the only bad acid came from eating the chili.
 
The original team behind the 60's musical "Hair" is launching a
three year revival tour. The updated version is called "Thinning"
 
A planeload of cocaine was seized after the aircraft ran out of
fuel. There was so much coke onboard, the nose of the plane may
have to be rebuilt.
 
The TBS network has purchased a package of 180 "Seinfeld" episodes
at a price of $1 million per episode. If I'm not mistaken, that
works out to about $1.89 per "Yadda".
 
A new study shows that rich contributors get access to politicians
that the average citizen does not, and they also get favorable
legislation written for them. Did we need a study to tell us that?
 
Another study showed that some people spend too much money on
studies that tell us what we already know.
 
And finally, the 99-Cent stores are now advertising a layaway plan.
This is great! I can finally afford that three pack of Ajax
cleanser I've been saving up for...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 25 Oct 1998 22:34:15 -0800
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Zack & His Mule
 
Zack and his mule were walking down the road when one of Zack's
friends drove up and offered him a ride to town.  Zack got into the
truck while his mule ran along behind.  The mule was right in back
of them as they reached 55, and stayed with them as they sped up to
70.
 
"I'm worried about your mule," said the driver.  "his tongue's
hanging our."
 
"Which way?" asked Zack.
 
"Left," his friend said.
 
"Well, stay in this lane -- he's about to pass."
 
          -Gerald Dudley
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Oct 1998 to 26 Oct 1998
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