HUMOR Digest - 24 Oct 1998 to 25 Oct 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 415 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Moore Family
  2. Amorous emu
     <Some emus might regard it as typical human insensitivity>
  3. The New Nun ( Adult)
  4. Raisin Bread (mature)
  5. Brilliant Lawyers?  <offensive to lawyers>
  6. PUNY Riddles 6
  7. How to Do Homework the Proper Way
  8. Humor - Suck up some new lingo.
 
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Date:    Sat, 24 Oct 1998 03:27:31 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Moore Family
 
* My GrandMother always said that liquor was a slow poison.
  OK... but who's in a hurry anyway ?
                           - - - - -
 
* I was reminded this year that GrandParent's Day was approaching;
  my GrandDaughter Christina asked me what size cologne I wear.
                           - - - - -
 
* My son JimJr Jr is a prime example of the young marrieds of
  today.  He faithfully jogs every single morning -- then goes
  bonkers when he can't find the TV remote control at nite.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr and I always wanted both our kids to have everything
  we didn't have as young marrieds. Looks like we succeeded too.
  In fact, we're thinking about moving in with one of them.
                           - - - - -
 
* Mrs JimJr is in favor of the latest padded & shock absorbing
  bumpers on cars.  She sez it's almost entirely eliminated all
  those annoying scraping and crunching noises she used to hear
  while trying to park our car.
                           - - - - -
 
*   My Mother, never much on patience, used to get highly irate
  when her flight from South Carolina to Baltimore wasn't on time.
    As she was getting off the plane once, she asked the pilot,
  "How can anything that goes 800 mph be late ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   I plead guilty to not enjoying the nite life much any more
  now that I'm past fifty.  But perhaps I've become too much of
  a "stay-at-home".
    My daughter Sandy was selling tickets to some dance or other
  and I declined.  She said, "Gee Dad... if you become any duller
  you can be a sex symbol for 'Women Who Don't Care Anymore'."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 24 Oct 1998 11:54:38 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Amorous emu
         <Some emus might regard it as typical human insensitivity>
 
Amorous emu fails to get her man
 
MOBILE, Ala., (Reuters) - A 6-foot-tall, 150-pound  emu that fell
head over heels in love with an Alabama man and stalked him for
days was turned loose Thursday on a farm populated by her own
species.
 
``It was mating season and she took a fond liking to him,''
Diane Roberts, director of the Mobile, Alabama, Animal Rescue
Foundation, told Reuters. ``He had to ward her off with a boat
paddle. She was absolutely intent that this was her mate.''
The giant bird showed up at the home of Ed and Ann Stuardi
last month, drinking from a bird bath and eating berries
in their yard.
 
They fed it dog food.  Last week the emu began following Ed
Stuardi around. Then it became aggressive, chasing their cats.
Stuardi tried to frighten the bird away by shooting his gun
into the air. The emu just stood there, looking at him forlornly.
By Monday, it was making noises deep in its throat, a mating
call Stuardi failed to recognize as the bird approached him.
Shorter than than the bird, he held it off with a boat paddle.
Monday night and Tuesday, the Stuardis cowered inside their
home. Ann Stuardi called the sheriff to beg for help but was told
deputies didn't have the equipment to catch the bird. That's when
Animal Rescue Foundation got involved.
 
``She pursued him. They had been feeding her, and when mating
season hit, he almost got it. She had her heart set on this man,''
said Roberts.
 
``I've never seen an emu hold hostages,'' she said. ``He wasn't
aware what the bird wanted, or why she was stalking him. I've never
seen one stalk a human with procreation in mind.'' Animal Rescue
had been looking for the bird since Aug. 22, when it heard that a
man had moved away from the area, abandoning three emus. The other
two birds still have not been found.
 
It took several hours for the rescue team to persuade the bird
to get into a horse trailer so it could be taken to a farm that
cares for injured wildlife. Roberts said the emu's only injury was
a broken heart, and it was released into an area with other emus,
including several males.
 
``Hopefully she will meet another fellow and forget all about Mr.
Stuardi. After all, he is a married man,'' Roberts said.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 24 Oct 1998 07:34:50 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The New Nun ( Adult)
 
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that
she has a terrible secret.  The priest then tells her that her
secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
 
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
 
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister
Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five
cartwheels on your way to the altar."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 24 Oct 1998 08:36:46 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Raisin Bread (mature)
 
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant
for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store,
glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind
the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please." the man says
politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost
directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.
 
As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers
gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty
soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk
climb up and down those stairs.
 
After a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and
fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours
raisin too?" the clerk yells at him testily.
 
"No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 24 Oct 1998 09:20:34 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Brilliant Lawyers?  <offensive to lawyers>
 
Are the lawyers really this stupid, or do they just act like that
in court?  Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association
Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of
witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the
responses given by insightful witnesses:
 
 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
     sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
 4. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
        a pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
        began the autopsy?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
        law somewhere."
 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
 6. "Did he kill you?"
 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "How many were boys?"
    A: "None."
    Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
        didn't you?"
    A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
    Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
    A: "By death."
    Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
    Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
        deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
        people?"
    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you
        go to?"
    A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
    A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
        an autopsy."
20. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
    A: "I have been since early childhood."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 24 Oct 1998 10:14:32 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles 6
 
35. A man with a palindromatic name is accused of stealing a car
    that is worth one thousand dollars. What is the legal term for
    this particular crime?
 
36. What did man do in court when he stood accused of breaking into
    a liquor store?
 
37. Scientists found a way to clone a bit of Shakespeare's DNA and
    recreate The Great Bard. Naturally, ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN were
    vying with each other to get him on their networks. When they
    approached Mr. S with their offers, how did he respond?
 
38. A novice radio actor, so green that he never knew when it was
    his line and had to be constantly prompted, had a last name
    that rhymed with a popular Latin dance. What was the cry that
    rang out all day in the studio?
 
39. Twin girls have just begun to form in their mother's womb. As
    their first cells begin to divide, a dispute breaks out between
    them. One girl accuses the other of stealing one of her digits.
    What does she say?
 
40. What do you call someone who has studied to become an expert on
    highway construction?
                         =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
                                Answers
 
 
35. Grand Theft Otto
 
36. He took the fifth
 
37. TV or not TV, that is the question.
 
38. Cue Cumba
 
39. That's my toe, Sis (mitosis)
 
40. A Roads Scholar
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 24 Oct 1998 14:54:20 EDT
From:    Eric Barr <EricBarr@AOL.COM>
Subject: How to Do Homework the Proper Way
 
     (Author Unknown)
 
 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place
    with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you
    understand it.
 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help
    you concentrate.
 4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your
    friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet
    either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to
    help you concentrate.
    If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and
    bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop
    him.
 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable
    chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly
    sharpened pencils.
 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you
    understand it.
 7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.
 8. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since
    fourth grade... You'd better write that letter now and get it
    out of the way so you can concentrate.
 9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I mean
    it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
11. Listen to the other side.
12. Check your e-mail again.
13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started
    writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher,
    the course, the university, the world at large.
15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted
    place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your
    tongue; savor its special flavor.
17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent
    messages since the last time you checked.
18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing
    something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper
    due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece
    Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with
    these exceptions:
          + Pro Bowler's Tour
          + any movie starring Don Ameche
          + Star Trek
19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.
    Discuss the finer points of the plot.
21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
22. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask
    who everyone is.
23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the
    future.
24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious,
    trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted
    place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of
    it.
27. Check your e-mail.
28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the
    sunrise.
29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
30. Leap up and write the paper.
31. Type the paper.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 24 Oct 1998 19:25:54 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Suck up some new lingo.
 
     Copied from the Houston Chronicle:
 
Language changes to reflect cultural shifts. And in this period of
skill shortages, flexible work arrangements and global business
deals, new workplace jargon was bound to pop up. So you're not
caught off-guard at the next corporate luncheon when someone refers
their employee as a "job vacuum" or "border crosser," here's a
handy reference guide courtesy of Challenger, Gray & Christmas, the
Chicago outplacement firm.
 
* Job vacuums: Employees who voluntarily sweep up extra duties;
               show strong work ethic.
 
* Border Crossers: Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable
                   jumping from job to job inside a firm.
 
* Soft benefits: Nonmonetary enhancements.
 
* People churner: A bad boss who often is blamed when a company
                  can't retain its key employees.
 
* Protected class: Rank and file employees with critical job
                   skills.
 
* Boomerang workers: Retirees returning to their previous employer.
 
* Toxic: Worker with anti-management reputation who is often
         litigious.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Oct 1998 to 25 Oct 1998
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