HUMOR Digest - 23 Oct 1998 to 24 Oct 1998
There are 6 messages totalling 269 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Teenagers <adult humor>
  2. Assorted Smiles
  3. What a situation. Oy!
  4. Scared
  5. Ethnic Jokes <adult, off. to French... hey wait, that's me!>
  6. N. F. L. Announcement
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 23 Oct 1998 03:59:00 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Teenagers <adult humor>
 
* Seems to me so many young girls these days are tried and
  found wanton.
                        - - - - -
 
* One teenage girl broke up with her 30-year-old boyfriend...
  Seems he wanted to get married, and she didn't want him to.
                        - - - - -
 
* Pity the poor teenage girl, not very well developed, who had
  applied for a job at "Hooters".  They hired her as a busboy.
                        - - - - -
 
* "I'll just never understand boys." one teen lamented to her
  best girlfriend. "On the dance floor, they're all feet; in
  front of my parents, they're all mouth; and when we're in
  the car, they're all hands."
                        - - - - -
 
* These days, there's not many things a teenage girl won't do.
  There's premarital sex, premarital co-habitation and so on.
  Tell ya one thing though, I'll bet many a young lad is sorry
  later that there was no premarital cooking.
                        - - - - -
 
*   A young lass confesses to her Mother that she's pregnant.
  Following the initial bawling-out, the Mother calms down and
  asks, "Well, is he going to do the 'right' thing ?"
    "Sure Ma, of course !!!" replied the daughter.  "He sez I
  can keep the baby."
                        - - - - -
 
*   Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane. He embraces
  her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand.
  Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.
  "Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"
    "What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm ?"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 23 Oct 1998 07:25:08 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Assorted Smiles
 
   Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were
inscribed: "The Gates of Heaven".
   Below that was a small cardboard sign which read:
"Please use other entrance."
                    ---------------
 
Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of
Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord,
please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
                    ---------------
 
   A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards.  "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.
   "Oh, good heavens!  Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well
give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
                    ---------------
 
   On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and
one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well,
I guess we won't have a service today."
   The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at
feeding time, I feed it."
                    ---------------
 
   During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the
children what "Amen" means.
   A little boy raised his hand and said:  "It means
'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "
                    ---------------
 
   Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of
a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy
said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?"
   I said, "God tells me."
   Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 23 Oct 1998 10:03:47 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: What a situation. Oy!
 
    A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping
when an unfortunate incident occurred.  Early one morning, the
wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief,
and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she
kept going!  She was just the right size and shape so that she
became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking
straight up in front of her.
 
    She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour
tried desperately to extricate her. In this process they removed her
sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a
particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her
splayed legs.
 
    Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the
embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived,
the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom,
the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very
compromising and humiliating way.
 
     Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first
thing he could think of, his yamulka skull cap, over his wife's
exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long
look, and commented: "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but
the Rabbi's a goner."
  
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 23 Oct 1998 10:19:21 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Scared
 
There's a man walking home alone at night, and there is a "BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP" behind him. He walks faster and looks back, making
out an image of an upright coffin banging it's way down the middle
of the street towards him... "BUMP... BUMP... BUMP..." The man
begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces after him
faster... faster... BUMPBUMPBUMP.
 
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door...
locks it... and the coffin crashes through his door and the lid to
the coffin begins to lift open, bumping towards him. The man runs
to the bathroom and locks himself, heart pounding, and CRASH, the
coffin breaks down the door, coming slowly towards him, the man
screaming... the man is reaches for something, anything... and he
finds a box of cough drops and throws them at the coffin... and the
coffin stops.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 23 Oct 1998 11:28:35 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Ethnic Jokes
         <adult, off. to French... hey wait, that's me!>
 
   A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are
commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms
met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a
different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms.
   The first person acted in a manner consistent with the
stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to
make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively
his membership in that group...
   Whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double
meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to
indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning
of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular
ethnic group.
   The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a
stereotypical way!
 
             +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
             [ the following via UGA reader jml05 ]
               -----------------------------------
 
Q: A Frenchman is hit by a car and dies, right where there is a
      dog doing his business... Which is picked off the ground
      first?
A: The Frenchman of course...
       Nobody wants to get any Frenchman on their shoes!
               -----------------------------------
 
Q: Why does Fruit of the Loom and BVD mens briefs
        sell so poorly in Canada?
A: Because all the French Canadians wear panties.
               -----------------------------------
 
Q: Have you ever visited the great French Army Museum?
A: Of course you haven't, because there are no great Frenchmen!
     They all ran home crying, and while they were making tarts
     and muffins like fairies, real men were out fighting.
               -----------------------------------
 
Q1: How is a Frenchman and a kleenex alike?
    Q2: How are they different?
A1: You can blow your snot on a kleenex and a Frenchman...
    A2: You can only wipe your behind with a Frenchman,
             because the kleenex rips too easily.
               -----------------------------------
  
   Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged
to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of
course, me mother and me sister."
   "Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
               -----------------------------------
 
Q: How did the Irish acid-bath murderer lose his hand?
A: Pulling out the plug.
               -----------------------------------
 
   An Irishman is going for a run down a railway track when he
notices a train approaching behind him. He runs faster and faster,
as fast as he can, but eventually he is caught by the train and
finds himself in a hospital with 4 broken limbs.
   On treating his wounds, the nurse asks "Paddy, why didn't you
just  run up the embankment to avoid the train?"
   "You stupid woman," retorts Paddy. "if I can't beat it on the
flat, how  will I beat it uphill??"
               -----------------------------------
 
   Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before
the morning break, Pat yelled "Mick, I've lost me finger!"
   "Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"
   Pat replied "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here
like thi... damn! There goes another one!"
               -----------------------------------
 
   Mahoney said to his friend McMaken,  "I haven't been feelin'
meself lately!"
   "'Tis a good thing, too -- that was a nasty habit you had!"
responded McMaken.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 23 Oct 1998 17:38:53 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: N. F. L. Announcement
 
A. P.
Washington, D. C., Oct. 23, 1998
 
The National Football League announced today that the Washington,
D. C. franchise will no longer be known as the Washington Redskins.
 
The National Association for the Advancement of Native Americans in
a separate announcement took credit for the change, and promised to
intensify their efforts to get the Atlanta Braves and Cleveland
Indian baseball franchises to do the same. This is result of the
combined efforts of Indian groups with other civil rights groups
culminating in success after a five year campaign to have the
derogatory name changed, the NAANA announced.
 
National Football League officials strongly deny the change was due
to pressure from Indian or civil rights groups. The N. F. L. states
the changes were necessary to reflect the recent character of the
team.
 
The team will now be known as the Washington Tampons. This new name
was felt to be appropriate because Washington is good for only one
period and it does not have a second string.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Oct 1998 to 24 Oct 1998
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