HUMOR Digest - 22 Oct 1998 to 23 Oct 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 391 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. 90's CowBoys
  2. Netanyahu & the Pope
  3. Why We Appreciate Men (one for us!)
  4. Don't Fool With Mother Nature <innuendo>
  5. Half-witted comments & questions about contemporary life
  6. De-Frocked!! <adult, off. to clergy>
  7. The Fifth Encore <adult>
  8. What CAN i say?
  9. Supermom (Feghoot)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 22 Oct 1998 03:26:08 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: 90's CowBoys
 
* Lots of CowBoys develop a true affection for their horses, some
  even kiss them at the end of the day.  One cowpoke though began
  going to a shrink when he realized he looked forward to the kiss.
                           - - - - -
 
* In some western towns, CowBoys still like to ride their horses
  to the local bar, as in days of old.  Only now, they can't find
  any place to park them.
                           - - - - -
 
* Damn Yuppies are everywhere though.  Somehow they found a way to
  cross a horse with a kangaroo -- that way they say they'll have
  a place to ride when the weather's bad.
                           - - - - -
 
* Don't think that western Sheriffs are anything but tuff.  Not
  only do they have to handle drunk CowBoys, but one Sheriff had
  to inspect a nudist colony.  He still wore his badge though.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Mrs JimJr and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The
  CowBoy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or
  English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
    When he told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied,
  "The one without the horn is fine.  I don't expect we'll run
  into too much traffic."
                           - - - - -
 
*   A Yuppie bought a cattle ranch for investment purposes. All
  of the family wanted the ranch named something different...
  One kid wanted Flying Y & the other Bar Z; the wife suggested
  Double X while he had favored Double O.  As a compromise, the
  Yuppie incorporated all of the names.
    Unfortunately, none of the cattle survived the branding.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 22 Oct 1998 12:56:22 +0200
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Netanyahu & the Pope
 
Q: What's the difference between the Pope and
   the Prime Minister of Israel?
 
A: The Pope is the one wearing the Yarmulke ("Kippa")
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 22 Oct 1998 07:12:52 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Why We Appreciate Men (one for us!)
 
 1. They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's
    perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.
 
 2. They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor
    anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.
 
 3. They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not.
 
 4. They're beyond enthusiastic about sex.
 
 5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall.
 
 6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.
 
 7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires.
 
 8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate
    cake.
 
 9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball
    around.
 
10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap
    backwards of their inner Little Leaguer.
 
11. How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it.
 
12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.
 
13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough
    neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.
 
14. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads.
 
15. They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she
    looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur.
 
16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of
    work and money - ours as well as theirs.
 
17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil
    and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do
    but would be nuts to volunteer for.
 
18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law,
    nor the neighbors say.
 
19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing
    size.
 
20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade
    cookie.
 
21. How sexy their butts look in jeans.
 
22. How sexy their hands look holding ours.
 
23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present
    they picked out
 
24. Their ignorance is usually amusing
 
25. They have a great sense of competition
 
26. They can make great sex partners
 
27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet
    "I love you Princess" is added)
 
28. Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted
    and caring
 
29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and
    connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to
 
30. They don't care whether colours match but are willing to be
    concerned if we want them to be
 
31. They can be taught
 
32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick
    or happy or hurt.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 22 Oct 1998 08:11:09 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Don't Fool With Mother Nature <innuendo>
 
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one
hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The
guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't
lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a
sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad!
 
"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.
 
"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies
the golfer.
 
"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to
my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be
an entire year without butter!!"
 
The golfer starts laughing hysterically.
 
"What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a
year?"  she screams at him.
 
"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over
there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 22 Oct 1998 10:38:50 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Half-witted comments & questions about contemporary life
 
It was brilliant of the Democrats to stick a picture of Monica
inside the budget to get the Republicans to pay attention to it.
 
I told my fourth wife I can't understand what's happening to
morality in the United States.
 
My prayer for today: Dear Lord, please let me catch the idiot that
keeps trashing my mailbox.
 
I'm getting sick and tired of the newscaster saying a certain story
is next and then you have to wait 15 minutes for it.
 
I avoid skim milk because they don't say what it was skimmed from.
 
It's raining cats and dogs here. The cats aren't too bad but the
dogs really hurt.
 
I will be so glad when the elections are over and Utopia comes, as
promised.
 
I never fooled around. My friend told me, "Think of all you've
missed." I told him, "Think of all I'd missed if I had."
 
I think Evander's extramarital affairs are wrong, but who's going
to tell him?
 
Should I be concerned my daughter wants to see a movie called
"Pecker"?
 
Love is: the more you do what the woman wants, the more she wants.
 
Remember when crack was the thing that you tried not to step on in
fear of breaking your mother's back?
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 22 Oct 1998 13:01:41 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: De-Frocked!! <adult, off. to clergy>
 
Q: What did the bishop do when the priest
         admitted his homosexuality?
A: He defrocked him.
        -----------------------------
 
   A priest suffering from a dry persistent cough went to see his
doctor. After a careful examination and thorough blood tests the
doctor told him, "I am sorry father, but you have AIDS, and you're
going to die."
   "Oh, my!  How horrible!" sobbed the priest.
   "Yes, I understand, father," said the doctor.  "I know you must
be disappointed about dying."
   "Well, no... everybody dies.  What disappoints me is honor.
Used to be that you could trust altar boys...."
        -----------------------------
 
Q: Why do Baptists object so strongly to pre-marital sex ?
A: They're afraid it might lead to drinking and dancing.
        -----------------------------
 
   A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was
very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a 
small lake.  Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their
clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio
decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their 'freedom.'
   As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a
group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time,
the minister and the priest covered their privates, but the rabbi
covered his face while they ran for cover.
   After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on,
the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he had covered
his face rather than his privates.
   The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY
congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
        -----------------------------
 
You might be a preacher if...
     - Everybody stops talking when you enter the room.
     - You've ever lied, er, fibbed at a funeral.
     - You've ever suffered anxiety attack while playing
          Bible Trivia Pursuit.
     - You wonder why people who have some time to kill
         want to spend it with you.
     - You get your second wind when you say
        "And in conclusion..."
     - The ideas you bounce off board members really do.
     - Your car tires are balding faster than your head.
     - You wish someone would steal some of your sheep.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 22 Oct 1998 16:57:27 EDT
From:    J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Fifth Encore <adult>
 
   A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the
evening.  Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at
it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the
window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the
other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences a
repeat performance.
 
   The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.
When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window,
takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other
side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
 
   The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.
During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when
they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep
breath of fresh air, dives under the bed... and finds four Chinese
men.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 22 Oct 1998 17:32:08 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: What CAN i say?
 
Q. How do you get a black woman to pick cotton?
 
A. Set the string on fire.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 22 Oct 1998 18:51:17 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Supermom (Feghoot)
 
   At the end of the Missourian Momarchy, when its Women's Lib
origins were forgotten and it had fallen under the absolute
dictatorship of Supermom, Ferdinand Feghoot faced one of his most
dangerous decisions. Supermom (actually Hattie Lou Schultz) had
been fertile, producing eighteen healthy babies, most of whom
Feghoot had sired. However, none had been girls, and her power was
imperilled, for her younger sister, Buzzie Bee, had had female
children, and if Supermom failed in what the midwives agreed had
to be her last effort, she would depose her immediately.
 
   Finally, with due ceremony, Hattie Lou gave birth to one more
hearty infant. Only the midwives (sworn to secrecy) and its father
were allowed to behold it until its sex was announced and it had
been appropriately garbed. There stood Feghoot, wearing a large
medal saying Pop. There was Supermom, with her guards, and her
ambitious sister with hers; and he remembered vividly the
punishments promised him by his consort, for the child, gurgling
in its carefully screened crib, was only too obviously male.
 
   Feghoot thought for only a moment. Then he smiled. "It is my
opinion," he announced, "that the good of the state and my personal
well-being will be best served...  if I just skirt the issue."
 
     -By Paul Major
      based on a character by Reginald Bretner Third Prize
      in a Feghoot contest sponsored by the Magazine of
      Fantasy and Science Fiction in 1973.)
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Oct 1998 to 23 Oct 1998
************************************************
 
