HUMOR Digest - 21 Oct 1998 to 22 Oct 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 418 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Lil Johnny's Nursery Rhymes <adult>
  2. Food
  3. 50th anniversary (risque)
  4. Just A Thought..
  5. These Should Be Murhpy's Laws
  6. Biblical Mothers <off. to fun'da'mentalists>
  7. More venting about Bill, Linda, Hillary, and Bob Barr
  8. Best Patient
  9. Close community (risque)
 10. The Test
 
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Date:    Wed, 21 Oct 1998 11:57:51 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Lil Johnny's Nursery Rhymes <adult>
 
Mary had a little Sheep
With the Sheep she went to sleep
Sheep Turned out to be a RAM
And Mary had a little Lamb
     =-=-=-=-=
 
Humpty Dumpty sat by the cart
Humpty Dumpty had a great fart
All the Kings horses and all the kings men
couldn't stop Humpty Dumpty from shitting in his pants
     =-=-=-=-=
 
"Johny Johny"
"Yes Pappa"
"Screwing Girls"
"No Pappa"
"Telling Lies"
"No Pappa"
"Open your Door"
"Ahh Ahhh Ahhhh"
     =-=-=-=-=
 
Twinkle Twinkle Little Skirt
How i wonder what u hide
Up above the waist u fly
showing a diamond to my fly
     =-=-=-=-=
 
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
God knows what they did up there
They came back with a daughter
     =-=-=-=-=
 
O'Brian O'Brian Go away
Cum again another day
     =-=-=-=-=
 
Pussy Cu*t Pussy Cu*t
Where all Have u been ?
I have been to London
to scr** the King
Pussy Cu*t Pussy Cu*t
What did you do up there
I got chased by the little prince
all during my stay
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 21 Oct 1998 03:27:08 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Food
 
* These days, there's only five basic food groups...
  canned, frozen, pizza, fast and carry-out
                   - - - - -
 
* Those guys who fancy themselves gourmets...
  Really ain't no more than a glutton in a tux
                   - - - - -
 
* Did y'all ever notice that there are no recipes at all
  for leftover lobster
                   - - - - -
 
* With all the preservatives in processed food these days,
  isn't it comforting to know most of it will outlive you
                   - - - - -
 
* A new Japanese-Jewish restaurant opened in Baltimore --
  It's called So-Sumi
                   - - - - -
 
* About the only good thing I've noticed with liver
  is that you can always get all of it ya want
                   - - - - -
 
* Then there was the vampire who tried to become a vegetarian,
  but he couldn't get blood out of a turnip either
                   - - - - -
 
* Did y'all ever eat dinner at a vegetarian's home ?
  Hell, I get more nourishment biting my lip
                   - - - - -
 
* Standard fare on most airlines is chicken, beef or lasagna.
  If you don't get your first choice, it doesn't matter...
  You can't tell the difference anyway.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 21 Oct 1998 04:57:16 -0400
From:    "Alan G. Rosenberg" <arosenb@JUNO.COM>
Subject: 50th anniversary (risque)
 
     (Sent to me by a friend)
 
   Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and
Sam says to Becky (imagine a Yiddish accent), "So, Becky, I was
wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"
   Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now?
You don't want to ask that question..."
   "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
   "Well, all right, 3 times..."
   "3, hmmm, well when were they?"
   "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really
wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you
a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came
over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked...
Well..."
   "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than
ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"
   "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you
were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to
touch you... Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here
to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again...
Well...."
   "Oh my god!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, o save
my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a
thing, , you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more
moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?"
   "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to
be president of the congregation, and you were 47 votes short..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 21 Oct 1998 09:38:38 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Just A Thought..
 
If Clinton dropped his pants in the woods and there was no intern
around, does this mean the end of virgin forest.....
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 21 Oct 1998 10:48:11 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: These Should Be Murhpy's Laws
 
       These aren't Murphy's Laws but some of them should be:
       =====================================================
 
"The Law of Volunteering"
     If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
 
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
     When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the
     mouse.
 
"The Law of Common Sense"
     Never accept a drink from a urologist.
 
"The Law of Reality"
     Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to
     lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
     When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
 
"The Law of Motivation"
     Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
 
"Boob's Law"
    You always find something in the last place you look.
 
"Weiler's Law"
    Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
    himself.
 
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
    Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
 
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
    People are always available for work in the past tense.
 
"Conway's Law"
    In any organization there is one person who knows what is going
    on.  That person must be fired.
 
"Iron Law of Distribution"
    Them that has, gets.
 
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
    There is always one more bug.
 
"Law of Drunkedness"
    You can't fall off the floor.
 
"Heller's Law"
    The first myth of management is that it exists.
 
"Osborne's Law"
    Variables won't; constants aren't.
 
"Main's Law"
    For every action there is an equal and opposite government
    program.
 
"Weinberg's Second Law"
     If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote
     programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would
     have destroyed civilization.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 21 Oct 1998 12:04:31 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Biblical Mothers <off. to fun'da'mentalists>
 
Top Ten Sayings of Biblical Mothers
 
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion.
    You don't know where it's been! (Judges 14:5-8)
 
 9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling!
    Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
 
 8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside
    and get home for supper!
 
 7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those
    clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol' furnace!
 
 6. Cain! Get off your brother!
    You're going to kill him some day!
 
 5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you,
    don't bring home any more strays!
 
 4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again?
    Look at your clothes!           (Judges 6:11)
 
 3. James and John! No more burping contests at the
    dinner table, please. People are going to call you
    the sons of thunder!          (Mark 3:17)
 
 2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
 
 1. Jesus! What do you think, you were born in a barn?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 21 Oct 1998 13:24:52 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More venting about Bill, Linda, Hillary, and Bob Barr
 
Isn't it about time someone wrote a country and western song with
Linda Tripp in the title.
 
Does anyone else think James Carville is one bad gene away from
being a house plant?
 
If a president goes from the White House to the Big House, do the
Secret Service agents go with him?
 
I had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamed I was testifying
on live TV and had to truthfuly answer intimate questions about my
past and present sex life.
 
Separated at birth: Linda Trip and Howard Stern.
 
What do Clinton supporters tell their children? Yes honesy, the
president was very, very naughty, but you must learn that ethics
and morality are not important as long as daddy's portfolio is
growing.
 
Beverly Harvard wants to jail and confiscate the cars of men
seeking "inappropriate sexual relations" with consenting women
employed along the sidewalks. Wouldn't censure be more appropriate?
 
Hillary Clinton told the Puerto Rican storm victims: "I have seen
many natural disasters with my husband." What do you think she
meant by that?
 
Excuse me, but while Clinton was being "entertained" the country
was prospering. Now look at the market mess. Line `em up and let
the good times roll again.
 
We had 15 presidential terms that presided over slavery and another
20+ that presided over segregation, all the while saying this was a
free country. In that light, I don't mind Clinton.
 
OH Too have ayoung virle president... Kennedy, Clinton... It goes
with the territory... Who would want Bush, Reagan, Nixon... Duh.
Understand human nature all you un-human oids.
 
To Bob Barr, Hello! We knew he was a womanizing, pot-smoking, draft
dodger who loved shady business deals, and we elected him anyway.
Now let's investigate you.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 21 Oct 1998 14:17:24 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Best Patient
 
Five surgeons are taking a coffee break.
 
1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because
when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.
 
2nd surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside
them is in alphabetical order."
 
3rd surgeon says: "Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is
color coded."
 
4th surgeon says: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless,
gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
 
To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the
conversation, says "I like engineers... they always understand when
you have a few parts left over at the end."
 
     -Thanks to MC
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 21 Oct 1998 20:41:59 -0400
From:    "Alan G. Rosenberg" <arosenb@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Close community (risque)
 
     (Forwarded by a relative)
 
A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he
was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D. "He says
he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her."
 
"Don't worry so much," advised the doctor.  "These things happen."
 
"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've
been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same
symptoms."
 
"That's unfortunate."
 
"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."
 
"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 21 Oct 1998 17:29:23 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Test
 
Two Trojan football players were taking an important final exam. If
they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to
play in the Aloha Bowl the following week.
 
The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read:
"Old MacDonald had a _________."
 
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed
to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the
professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst.
Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
 
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't
noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone
knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
 
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
 
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in
the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he
whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
 
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled
E-I-E-I-O."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Oct 1998 to 22 Oct 1998
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