HUMOR Digest - 20 Oct 1998 to 21 Oct 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 488 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Golf freak(adult)
  2. Baltimore Maryland
  3. The Eggplant Leader
  4. Rules for female teachers <clean>
  5. australia (2)
  6. Frivolous Lawsuits By Jailbirds
  7. The Change.... <adult, poss. off. to older ladies!>
  8. Semi-funny comments and questions about contemporary life
  9. Brave Sir Knight (Rated Pun: Sexual Content)
 
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Date:    Tue, 20 Oct 1998 01:41:23 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The Golf freak(adult)
 
There was a guy so addicted to golf that all he did is go out on
the links every single day. He had ambitions of making it to the
Pros, so he took his game very seriously.
 
One windy day while playing in the finals of a a tournament, the
guy was in contention, so he played every shot with utmost care and
concentration.
 
After all the scores were submitted, he was declared the winner of
the tournament.
 
He went home to his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize.
He kept repeating his round over dinner.  The wife, who is not the
least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy
follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.
 
At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her
husband, who also gets startled and wakes up. "What happened?  Why
are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife.
 
"Why wouldn't I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from my
privates and threw it up in the air!"
 
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Date:    Tue, 20 Oct 1998 03:37:15 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Baltimore Maryland
 
* Baltimore is something in the Fall.  You can see all of the
  birds change color and drop out of the trees.
                           - - - - -
 
* Q: What's the difference between Baltimore City and yogurt ?
  A: Yogurt has an active living culture.
                           - - - - -
 
* Traffic experts say that by the year 2000, traffic in Baltimore
  City will increase by as much as 25%.  If you want to cross the
  street, I suggest you do so now.
                           - - - - -
 
* The Bible tells us that God created the Earth in six days. The
  Maryland State Highway Administration opened the Baltimore
  Beltway in 1959 -- they're still working on it.
                           - - - - -
 
* Baltimore City Police recently instituted a crack-down on noise
  violations.  In every hospital zone in the City, you can hear
  people who've been mugged whispering for help.
                           - - - - -
 
* A lot of people don't realize the dance called "The Limbo" was
  started in Baltimore.  It was based upon the street people who
  were sneaking into pay toilets.
                           - - - - -
 
* There's a lot of history in Baltimore.  Recent excavations have
  shown it was the site of a caveman colony.  The wheel was even
  invented there -- but two days later, somebody stole the hubcaps.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Asked why I liked country living better than city living by
  a long time Baltimore City dweller, I told him the freshness
  of country air for one thing.
    "Country air ?" he replied. "Why there's nothing better than
  city air -- I like air you can sink your teeth into !"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 20 Oct 1998 04:16:10 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: The Eggplant Leader
 
A recent "DAVE" cartoon showed him deciding to call off sick for
the rest of the week.  His girlfriend asks him if they can really
get along without him... Then you see his boss saying to the staff
"Listen up, people...  Your "team leader", Dave, won't be in for
the rest of the week... I'm leaving this eggplant in charge... Are
there any questions???"
 
At my friend's workplace, the "team leader" was out for "the
afternoon"... My friend enlarged the cartoon, substituted his name,
and went home on her lunch hour to get an eggplant she'd just
thrown out... It was waiting for him when he finally showed up,
along with half the workers!... Needless to say, they all had a
good laugh!
 
     -Courtesy of Bonnie Glickman
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 20 Oct 1998 12:55:41 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Rules for female teachers <clean>
 
A friend in the US has forwarded me this set of rules of conduct
for female teachers in 1915 (school unknown).
 
 1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.
 
 2. You are not to keep company with men.
 
 3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m.
    unless attending a school function.
 
 4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
 
 5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the
    permission of the chairman of the board.
 
 6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man
    unless he is your father or brother.
 
 7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
 
 8. You may not dress in bright colors.
 
 9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
 
10. You must wear at least two petticoats.
 
11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above
    the ankle.
 
12. To keep the school room neat and clean, you must: sweep the
    floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week
    with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a
    day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8
    a.m.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 20 Oct 1998 07:52:38 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: australia
 
     [MIME format message deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 20 Oct 1998 08:02:39 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: Re: australia
 
     [Personal message deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 20 Oct 1998 08:20:17 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Frivolous Lawsuits By Jailbirds
 
America's jailbirds don't give up. Disappointed by the criminal
justice system, this plucky lot still has faith in the civil side.
Last year, the states spent $81 million defending what state
attorneys general called frivolous lawsuits.  Here are a few
favorites:
 
A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the
grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his
religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money,
he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.
 
A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep
and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a
"defective haircut" by an unqualified barber.
 
A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut
butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky
and one creamy.
 
A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil
rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather
than the U.S. Postal Service.
 
An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but
could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was
that all its practices were secret.
 
An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party
that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.
 
An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogain for his
baldness.
 
An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.
 
An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country
music.
 
A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows a con
only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 20 Oct 1998 09:12:06 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: The Change... <adult, poss. off. to older ladies!>
 
Signs that you MIGHT be experiencing menopause:
 
   1. Hot Flashes:
          You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
 
   2. Night Sweats:
          The person you sleep with complains about snow
          piling up on the bed.
 
   3. Mood Swings:
          Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove,
          he is using you to heat the family room this winter.
          Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot
          him.
 
   4. Memory Loss:
          You write post-it notes with your kid's names on them.
 
   5. Irritability:
          Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home," and your
          reply is, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie fucking Nelson."
 
   6. Sleeplessness:
          The phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's
          Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
 
   7. Fatigue:
          You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner.
 
   8. Mild Incontinence:
          You change your underwear after every sneeze.
 
   9. Sudden Weight Gain:
          You need the 'Jaws Of Life' to help you out of your
          car after returning home from an Italian restaurant.
 
  10. Dryness:
          You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist.
 
  11. Female Hormone Deficiency:
          You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania".
 
  12. Hormone Therapy:
          You're on so much estrogen that you take your
          Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 20 Oct 1998 15:12:12 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Semi-funny comments and questions about contemporary life
 
Politicians are an honest, moral, ethical and outstanding group of
people. I say this because I've just spent a week dealing with car
salesmen.
 
Somehow I don't think the Rapture is going to do much to ease the
traffic problem.
 
We're getting back to good old-fashioned family values at our
house. At dinner last evening my daughter even pushed the TV mute
button when we said grace.
 
The South is the only place in the world where macaroni and cheese
is considered a vegetable.
 
I'm 81 years old and I've seen a lot changes, but there's one thing
that hasn't changed: You can't get a honey without some money.
 
Road sign: "Caution-Water on the road when raining"
 
Nothing is impossible, until it's sent to a committee.
 
When my grown children complain about the way they were raised, I
always tells them that we did the best we could with what we had to
work with.
 
Surprise! Surprise! Paula Jones has decided that she's not going to
give the money to charity after all.
 
Re: the surplus: If you had your credit card charged to the max and
inherited a few dollars, would you (a) try to pay some of it off,
or (b) go out to dinner?
 
Support bacteria. It is the only culture some people have.
 
Should you tell your wife's boyfriend's wife that he is having an
affair?
 
Does Rush Limbaugh rotate clockwise or counterclockwise?
 
My friend thinks the "ripple effect" means he's had too much wine.
 
What's this string on my finger for?
 
On the way to school the radio reporter said, "Hunters are enlisted
to look for Rudolph in the North Carolina mountains." From the back
seat came the cry, "Mommy, why do they want to kill Rudolph?"
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 20 Oct 1998 20:28:15 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Brave Sir Knight (Rated Pun: Sexual Content)
 
In the days of Yore, long gone by, at the time of Camelot, there
were many brave Knights, but the bravest of them all was Sir
Lancelot. Sir Lancelot was the bravest of the brave, goodest of the
good and purest of the pure.
 
One day Sir Lancelot set out from Camelot on his trusty charger,
his quest as ever, to slay dragons, rescue maidens and hopefully
turn up the Holy Grail on the way. Resplendent in his shiny armour
he set forth, brave, good and pure.
 
However on this day, events took a decidedly strange twist, as out
of nowhere as strange twist of time and space appeared, and before
Sir Lancelot good reign in his horse, they plummeted thru the
vortex and were hurled many years thru time and many miles thru
space, until finally...
 
...they landed in present day San Francisco. Slightly disorientated
and completely naked (the anomaly did not transport non living
tissue or in-organic substances), Sir Lancelot surveyed the new
world that he had been thrust upon. His nakedness did not trouble
him, for in his mind he was clad in the raiment of Goodnest and
Purity. Just then he spied what he thought must be an Inn of some
form named "The Fudge Packer".
 
He entered this strange hostelry and noticed men clad in all manner
of weird apparel. He believe that he saw women also, but on closer
inspection, they turned out to be men as well, dressed in female
clothing.
 
Alas, Sir Lancelot did not watch where he was treading and his foot
slid thru a large strawberry daiquiri slick. He somersaulted into
the air before landing on his head, knocking himself unconscious,
draped face down over a chair and...
 
... a Good Knight was had by everyone!
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Oct 1998 to 21 Oct 1998
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