HUMOR Digest - 19 Oct 1998 to 20 Oct 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 436 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. PUNY Riddles 5
  2. Dieting <some innuendo>
  3. Questions Without Answers
  4. New MS operating system
  5. MASTERcard(adult)
  6. More Ethnic Jokes <off. to most...>
  7. Soon To Be Famous Quotes (adult theme)
     Offensive to the White House Male Bimbo
  8. Mike Tyson (Pun)
  9. Yen thing <possibly Off. to Asians>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 19 Oct 1998 00:09:14 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles 5
 
29. Jane, the proprietor of a beauty shop & pet store, conveniently
    located next door to each other, had an excess of rabbits to
    get rid of. But she confused her patrons by putting a single ad
    board out in front of the 2 businesses to advertise. What did
    it say?
 
30. What's the name of the Oscar winning 1987 film that seems to
    have been named after a large vehicle owned by a controversial
    Korean minister?
 
31. What T-shirt does Psyche like to wear when she is out with her
    lover?
 
32 What old play is about advertising by sheep farmers?
 
33. What is the euphemism used to describe a school of dance that
    goes out of business?
 
34 What is the unique attribute that makes this paragraph
   appropriate for the Christmas season? Be sure to use your
   imagination and your powers of observation but be specific and
   brief or you might miss the insidious feature that provides the
   answer to this question.
                    - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
                            ANSWERS
 
29. Hare sale on
 
30. Moon's truck
 
31. One that says, "I'm with Cupid"
 
32. Much Ado About Mutton
 
33. They went ballet up
 
34. Noel
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 19 Oct 1998 03:48:05 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Dieting <some innuendo>
 
* Specialized diets don't always work very well.  For example, one
  lady I write to just went on a liquid diet -- Lake Superior.
                           - - - - -
 
* Y'all can do what I did if dieting fails.  I bought one of those
  high tech bathroom scales -- it deducts for good intentions.
                           - - - - -
 
* If you find your workout tape isn't working, you can do what I
  did -- trade it in for one on self acceptance.
                           - - - - -
 
* Best diet I've ever been on allows you to eat whatever ya want,
  as long as you have a triple-shot highball with each meal...
  You don't lose any weight -- but you don't care.
                           - - - - -
 
* Back in the 60's after Mrs JimJr gave birth to our son, she had
  trouble losing weight.  The doctor put her on pep pills, but it
  didn't work real well -- she ate faster.
                           - - - - -
 
* I'm all for slim and trim, not only for appearance, but health
  reasons as well.  As usual though, the Yuppies in Columbia are
  carrying dieting to an extreme.  I understand the mortuaries
  there all use formaldehyde-lite.
                           - - - - -
 
* A female friend of mine was admitted to a private hospital to
  try to lose weight.  Naturally I sent her flowers.  I received
  a "thank-you" note several days later; it said, "Thanks for
  the flowers, they were delicious !"
                           - - - - -
 
* If you're unsure of what kind of diet works, ask someone slim
  what they do to control their weight.  For example, I asked a
  young lady in our neighborhood how she controlled her weight
  and she said that if it wasn't for a diet drink she gets at
  a local nutritional store, she wouldn't be able to get into
  her jeans.  I've been drinking it ever since.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 19 Oct 1998 07:58:32 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Questions Without Answers
 
Why are the first three letters of diet DIE?  No wonder this diet
is killing me.
 
If your second doctor has a different opinion, does that make a
paradox?
 
If you have two dimes, is that a new paradigm?
 
If you have two different viewpoints simultaneously is that a
parasites?
 
If you hire two lawyers, does that mean that both lawyers could be
replaced by one paralegal?
 
If you shoot two deer in one day is that called a parachute?
 
If you are lax about something, and then are lax about it again is
that called a relax?
 
Do two normal people make one paranormal?
 
When somebody tells me to restrain myself, does that me I have to
strain twice?
 
If you are a complete pessimist, does this mean you are positively
negative?
 
When a person rewrites a poem to make it better, does that mean he
is reversing himself?
 
When Bach or Beethoven erased a manuscript to make changes, were
they decomposing?
 
Are two dice a paradise?
 
          -Thanks to MC
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 19 Oct 1998 15:00:49 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: New MS operating system
 
MICROSOFT UNVEILS NEW JOE-BOB(tm) SOFTWARE
 
by Andrew Burke
 
REDMOND, Wash.  -- October 18, 1998 -- Microsoft today announced
the release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company
hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market.  With the motto
"The software for the rest of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to
the same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby,
and drinks Miller Lite.
 
"Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and
intellectuals," explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean,
"but we've recently seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new
technology -- the time is right for the rest of America to get
wired!"
 
Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user
in a garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete
music library in digital stereo.  Click on the pinups, and get
hooked up to the Internet's hottest gifs," the promotional
materials explain.
 
The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but
does have software that keeps track of the football season, lists
the best roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order
spareribs and beer at the click of a mouse.
 
"This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg.
"It thinks like I think."  Brad Cunningham agrees:  "I take it
everywhere," he says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his
12-gauge in his pickup truck.  Microsoft is offering desktop users
a special clip-on beer holder for their monitors.
 
"Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill
Gates. "Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and
splatter video games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers.
We're just catering to a demand, that's all."
 
Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers
saying things like "Joe-Bob:  Make Your Disk Hard," "Go Microsoft
-- Go Intel -- Go America," and "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie
Wimps."
 
Apple declined to comment.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 19 Oct 1998 09:53:52 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: MASTERcard(adult)
 
The MasterCard commercial all men are waiting for.
 
Cover charge:  $15.00
Round of drinks:  $23.00
Table dance:  $30.00
Another round of drinks:  $23.00
Couch dance and tips:  $50.00
A round of shots:  $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room:  $300.00
Sending her on her way and never having to hear her complain:
Priceless
 
     -From: Very* Pathetic Mailing List
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 19 Oct 1998 11:56:02 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: More Ethnic Jokes <off. to most...>
 
Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
Indian beggars are petitioning government officials to take
small change out of circulation. Some coins are so worthless
that it takes several hundred to buy a cup of tea or a loaf of
bread. Beggars in Madhya Pradesh have  lodged an official
complaint with State officials that stingy alms-givers are dumping
the coins on them.
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
BUMPER STICKER:
         (Seen on garbage truck)
WE CATER ETHNIC WEDDINGS!
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
Top Ten (ok, 11) Reasons for being South African
   1: There is always someone with a bigger beergut than yours.
   2: You can eat worms and half-dried raw meat without being
          called disgusting.
   3: Nothing is your fault; you can blame it on the past.
   4: Unrivalled job prospects for those unburdened with training,
         skills or experience.
   5: Where else could a President wear his pyjama jacket
         to State functions and get away with it?
   6: Responsible for some of mankind's most important creations:
            the Kreepy Krawly . . . and . . . um . . .
   7: You can experience lousy service in 11 languages.
   8: You can enjoy oranges with 45% alcohol content
          at rugby matches.
   9: It's the only country in the world where people dance to show
          how angry they are.
 10: Our police are first on the scene of any crime...
          without being called!
 11: You're considered clumsy if you can't drive, operate a
        cellphone and CD player, smoke a cigarette and drink
        a beer - all at the same time.
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
Did you hear about the really honest Russian?
   He was so honest, that in the five years he spent
   working in a public bath, he never once took one!
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
A Jewish father put his 3 year old son on the table and said,
"Son, jump down from the table."
The son was scared and said, "No, I will hurt myself."
The father said, "Don't worry, I will catch you before you hit
the ground. You don't think your father is going to let you fall?"
So, the son jumped and the father did not catch him. After the
kid stopped crying some half hour later, the father said, "Son,
you have learnt your first lesson in life. Don't trust anyone, not
even your father."
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
For "feminine freshness," French women prefer a product
  known as "Femenique."
American women enjoy "feminine freshness" also, with a
  product called "Pristine."
British women have been known to have a favorite feminine
  hygeine product: "Janitor In A Drum!"
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
An American and a Scotsman were talking about playing golf
during the various seasons of the year.
"In most parts of the USA, we cannot play in the winter time. We
   have to wait until spring," the Yank said.
"Why, in Scotland, we can even play in the winter time.  Snow
  and cold are nae object to us," said the Scot.
"Well, what do you do; paint your balls black?" asked the Yank.
"Nae," said the Scot.  "We just put on an extra sweater or two."
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
An ederly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home
from work. Suddenly a man who had been walking towards her,
stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and
flashes his wares in all their sordid glory.
Unruffled, she takes a look and remarks, "This you call a lining?"
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
Q: If four vehicles arrive at an intersection in the southern US
        with a four way stop, who has the right of way?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker
       that reads:    "Guns don't kill people.  I do."
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
Q: Did you hear about the Polish Navy's tragic accident?
A: A hundred and thirty-seven sailors drowned trying to
       push-start their new submarine.
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
Q: What did Buddha say to the hot-dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
Q: What do you call a black frenchmen?
A: Jacques Custodian.
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
Q: In America, we've  got "That's Incredible."
        What is Australia's version?
A: "Well, I'll be buggered!"
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
Q: Why did god invent whiskey?
A: To keep Irish priests away from young boys.
         ++++++++++++++++++
 
Q: Why are racist jokes so short?
A: So racists can understand them!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 19 Oct 1998 19:49:28 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Soon To Be Famous Quotes (adult theme)
         Offensive to the White House Male Bimbo
 
Soon to be Famous Quotes....
 
 
'The reason it's always so difficult for this President to tell the
truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's
usually three different stories.     --Sam Donaldson
 
If the President could convince every woman in America that the
Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote.
     --Newt Gingrich
 
What's wrong with extending my probe?  The President did the same
thing.     --Kenneth Starr
 
The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the
entire Grand Jury.     --Monica Lewinsky
 
Shouldn't the President be held to the same standards as a
sportscaster?     --Marv Albert
 
The President should promise to spend the rest of his life trying
to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern.
     --OJ Simpson
 
If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who
swore she didn't have sex with this President, I'd never get any of
my own work done.     --Vernon Jordan
 
Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure
the door is locked.     --George Stephanopoulos
 
In last week's Cabinet meeting, the President asked us to go out
and win one for the zipper.     --Madeliene "Aunt Bea" Albright
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 19 Oct 1998 19:06:52 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Mike Tyson (Pun)
 
According to psychiatric evaluations by doctors at Massachusetts
General Hospital, Mike Tyson is psychologically fit to fight again.
 
"Tyson's overjoyed," says Jay Leno. "He told doctors all he needed
was a sympathetic ear."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 19 Oct 1998 20:25:33 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Yen thing <possibly Off. to Asians>
 
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with
2000 yen and walked out with $72.
 
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten during
the previous week.  The lady says "Fluctuations."
 
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door,
he turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Oct 1998 to 20 Oct 1998
************************************************
 
