HUMOR Digest - 18 Oct 1998 to 19 Oct 1998
There are 5 messages totalling 250 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Party (Pun)
  2. Life at State Highway
  3. Pre-Relationship Agreement  (Part 2 of 2)
  4. Fw: Onions the latest craze for New Delhi's rich and famous
  5. BAMA HOTEL
 
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Date:    Sun, 18 Oct 1998 00:13:09 -0700
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Party(Pun)
 
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine,
had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres,
the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors
and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one
point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally
submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the
pair might fall over, so he went to steady them... This marked the
first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.
 
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Date:    Sun, 18 Oct 1998 03:30:27 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Life at State Highway
 
*   Don't y'all ever think the Maryland State Highway Maintenance
  crews are anything but tuff.
    In all of the shops, they had time clocks that punched the
  employees back.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Mrs JimJr is the typical observant wife.  One evening after
  dinner, she handed me a bottle of that Rogaine hair restorer. I
  told her while I was indeed starting to thin out some, I didn't
  really think I needed hair restorer yet.
    She said, "Oh.  It's not for you, it's for your secretary, she
  seems to be losing quite a bit of her hair on your jacket."
                           - - - - -
 
*   When I retired, my Senior Manager predicted I'd be back on a
  contract within a year.
    "Whatever makes you say a thing like that ?" I asked. "I've
  been in this place over thirty years."
    "Exactly !" he replied. "Just how long do you think you'll be
  able to stand happiness ?"
                           - - - - -
 
*   As y'all can imagine, I think I held the record for being sent
  to various "Sensitivity Training" courses by the Maryland State
  Highway, each time I was involved in some kind of trumped-up
  sexual harassment grievance filed by some hysterical female.
    Sharon, the resident expert on harassment, said, "Jimmy will
  never benefit from that type of class.  First they have to find
  a 'Get a Clue' training class and send him there."
                           - - - - -
 
*   With Halloween coming, I'm reminded of when they went all out
  at the State Highway Headquarters, and decorated the 4th floor
  (where all the big wheels were quartered) for the occasion.
    One Senior Manager asked me how I liked the decorations and
  I said the jack-o'-lanterns outside of each office door were the
  best and most appropriate of all of the decorations.
    When asked to explain, I said, "All those heads with nothing
  in them are certainly apt representations of our Senior
  Managers."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Sun, 18 Oct 1998 08:49:12 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Pre-Relationship Agreement  (Part 2 of 2)
 
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her) being
of sound mind and fairly good  body, agrees to the following with
the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him).
 
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS:
(occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own
apartment?" codicil):  Should said relationship progress to the
point where the couple spends more then five nights a week
together, every effort shall be made to split the time between
their respective apartments.
Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the
lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Additionally, both will
avoid having their mother call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to
"pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment,
including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with
household duties.
(By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep
his apartment "a mess".) (Especially since we tend to excel in
this area!)
 
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD:
For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to
hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's
move in together,"  "Why don't we start a family?" and -- using
archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."
Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend
the other party's right not to meet his parents.
 
9. THE "L" WORD:
For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the
phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars,
concerts, or the way a particular pair of  jeans fits, but not each
other.  Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in
the other party using the "G" word... "Gone."
 
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION:
Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and
final dissolution of said relationship:
    (a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
    (b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex- used to do
        that same thing"
    (c) Suggesting, no matter how kindly, that the other member
        should seek "help"
    (d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you
        are..." and
    (e) complaining more than twice about the contents of the other
        party's refrigerator (or lack thereof).
 
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH:
At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the
other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:
    (a) "You'll never find anybody better"
    (b) "Nobody could ever make you happy"
    (c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me" and
    (d) "My analyst thinks you are..." (Psychosis to be filled in
         at the proper time.)
 
12. MISCELLANEOUS:
    (a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes'
        notice before terminating said relationship;
    (b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as
        the relationship appear to be "on the rocks"
    (c) at the termination of said affair:
        (1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled
            socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys,
            personal under-garments with all due haste through
            impartial intermediary;
        (2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72)
            hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's
            friends;
        (3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other
            for a period of at least seven days (bedroom
            performance included), and further consent to use one
            of the following nebulous terms in the description of
            the breakup:
               "The timing wasn't right"
               "He/She wanted more than I could give"
               "He/She was too involved in his/her career"
               "He/She decided to go back with his/her
                  (a) girl/boyfriend;
                  (b) last lover;
                  (c) hometown;
                  (d) therapist".
 
13. ADDENDUM:
After the initial breakup, no matter what, both parties agree to
give the relationship "one more shot".
 
____________________
Signature
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sun, 18 Oct 1998 13:42:47 -0400
From:    "Aditya, the ]-[indu Skeptic" <a018967t@BC.SEFLIN.ORG>
Subject: Fw: Onions the latest craze for New Delhi's
             rich and famous
 
     (Sometime realty is funnier than fiction)
 
NEW DELHI, Oct 12 (AFP) - India's onion price spiral, which has
already toppled New Delhi's chief minister, has turned the once
humble staple into the latest obsession of the capital's rich and
famous.
   Society columnist Humra Qureishi wrote in the Tribune daily on
Monday that the onion, which has leaped from 10 rupees (25 cents) a
kilogram (2.2 pounds) in August to 60 rupees now, was the hottest
topic at "socialite parties, art gallery inaugurations and
high-powered bureaucratic meets."
   Qureishi said she had always avoided eating raw onions for the
"odour" but at a smart do in a New Delhi luxury hotel Satish
Gujral, one of India's top artists, egged her on to "heap plenty of
raw onions on my plate."
   She said Gujral, former prime minister Inder Kumar Gujral's
brother, kept on saying: "Don't forget it is selling for 60 rupees
a kilo in the open market... eat it while its here."
   Qureishi said a host of well-known people were tucking into the
onions "with greater relish than those chicken and biryani (pilaf)
spreads."
   She also recounted another dinner at a prominent socialite's
home where "finely chopped onion slices" were served on a platter.
   "There was a beeline... and in that line were the ambassador of
Pakistan and his spouse," Qureishi said, adding that it was the
main topic at a top-level meeting chaired by the federal cabinet
secretary.
   New Delhi's ruling Hindu nationalists, fearful that the soaring
prices and the protests will see them ousted in local polls next
month, have begun to import thousands of tonnes of onions.
   The issue was a major factor in the ousting of outgoing chief
minister Sahib Singh Verma over the weekend and the naming of
Information Minister Sushma Swaraj as his successor.
   Swaraj on Sunday pledged to sell onions at five rupees a
kilogram and later added -- after "getting carried away," according
to one newspaper -- that she would try and fix the price at two
rupees.
   Concerns within the city's nationalist government that the
situation could spark a voter backlash in the local elections are
founded on a famous historical precedent.
   In 1980, former prime minister Indira Gandhi exploited the issue
of spiralling onion prices to highlight the then government's
economic incompetence.
   The ploy worked and she and her Congress party romped back into
power after three years in the political wilderness.
   New Delhi normally consumes 150 tonnes of onions every day, but
supply has dwindled to less than 50 tonnes.
   Onion prices in the capital began to soar after widespread
floods and cyclones extensively damaged crops in the onion-growing
states of Maharashtra and Gujarat in western India.
 
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Date:    Sun, 18 Oct 1998 15:58:59 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: BAMA HOTEL
 
Q. How do you know when your staying in an Alabama hotel?
A. When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my
   sink" and the person at the desk says "go ahead."
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Oct 1998 to 19 Oct 1998
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