HUMOR Digest - 17 Oct 1998 to 18 Oct 1998
There are 5 messages totalling 257 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Males and Females <adult humor>
  2. A lexicon to help you understand the personal columns
  3. Chelsea (adult)
  4. Pre-Relationship Agreement (Part 1 of 2)
  5. Baby SEalS
 
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Date:    Sat, 17 Oct 1998 05:21:07 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Males and Females <adult humor>
 
* Many a girl has started out with a little slip...
  And ended-up with a whole new wardrobe.
                           - - - - -
 
* Back in the 50's, a guy never knew how a girl would turn out...
  Until her folks turned in.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Back in the 50's Mothers & Daughters actually used to discuss
  such things as dating, etc. Carol had been dating one fellow
  for over 3 months & her Mother was becoming concerned. "Exactly
  what are Bruce's intentions ?" she asked her daughter.
    "I'm not sure, Mother." Carol replied. "He's been keeping me
  pretty much in the dark."
                           - - - - -
 
*   She was a breath-taking lovely as she sat on the bar stool.
  None of the men had had the nerve to even approach her.
    Finally, one brave soul downed his third drink, walked over
  and said, "I hate to see a pretty young girl like you ruin her
  reputation by frequenting a place like this.  Allow me to take
  you to someplace where the atmosphere is quiet and refined --
  like my apartment."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Not sure it's still a tradition, but years ago when a college
  lad was serious about a girl, he would give her his fraternity
  pin to wear.
    Susan came back to the dorm and told her roomie, "Well, it
  finally happened.  Frank pinned me."
    Her roomie turned on the lights and said, "Congratulations !
  Oh, let me see it."
    Confused, Susan replied, "Let you see what ?"
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Sat, 17 Oct 1998 11:23:23 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: A lexicon to help you understand the personal columns
 
<apology>
Yesterday I posted The Bill of No Rights.  I have subsequently
learned the true identity of the author and copyright holder,
the slightly paranoid, militant libertarian Lewis W. Napper.
Further examples of his superb ravings can be found at:
http://www.bserver.com/bunker/
</apology>
 
 
Lonely?  Looking for your ideal partner?
Here are some tips on what to expect.
 
First the women:
40-ish  =  48
Adventurer  =  Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic  =  Flat-chested
Average looking  =  Ugly
Beautiful  =  Pathological liar
Contagious Smile  =  Bring your penicillin
Educated  =  College dropout
Emotionally Secure  =  Medicated
Feminist  =  Fat; ball buster
Free spirit  =  Substance user
Friendship first  =  Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun  =  Annoying
Gentle  =  Comatose
Good Listener  =  Borderline Autistic
New-Age  =  All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned  =  Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded  =  Desperate
Outgoing  =  Loud
Passionate  =  Loud
Poet  =  Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional  =  Real Witch
Redhead  =  Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque  =  Grossly Fat
Romantic  =  Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous  =  Very Fat
Weight proportional to height  =  Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate  =  One step away from stalking
Widow  =  Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart  =  Toothless crone
 
The male's description:
40-ish  =  52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic  =  Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking  =  Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated  =  Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit  =  Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first  =  As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun  =  Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking  =  Arrogant
Honest  =  Pathological Liar
Huggable  =  Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle  =  Insecure, overly dependent
Mature  =  Until you get to know him
Open-minded  =  Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not
                interested
Physically fit  =  I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
                   admiring myself
Poet  =  Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual  =  Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter
              Sunday
Stable  =  Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful  =  Says "Please" when demanding a beer
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 17 Oct 1998 08:20:25 -0400
From:    "Alan G. Rosenberg" <arosenb@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Chelsea (adult)
 
Chelsea's back visiting from college, and she and Hillary are
having an intimate mother-daughter talk. Finally, Hillary decides
to ask the big question: ``Have you been having sex?''
 
``Not according to Dad, I haven't.''
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 17 Oct 1998 08:31:21 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Pre-Relationship Agreement (Part 1 of 2)
 
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she/her) being
of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with
the party of the second part (herein referred to as he/him).
 
1. FULL DISCLOSURE:
At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to
as the first date or match up), each party agrees to fully disclose
any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious
beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political
affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else
that have not yet been terminated.
Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated
mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions
with pets, careers, or organized sports.
Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate
termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get
anywhere.
 
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS:
Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison
(colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the
event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho
bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean:
My Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one
of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in
Penthouse. For definition of "psychobitch," see Sharon Stone
in "Basic Instinct," or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
 
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP:
Should said relationship proceed past the first "fix-up" both
parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in
describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days
both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither
implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the
first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are "seeing
somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item".
Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date"
either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or
lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a
couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half,"
"the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady"
acceptable.
Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may
be accelerated; however, if either party "gets too serious" and
disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the
relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once
again be said to be "on the market."
 
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY:
For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask
questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or
over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations
will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds"
on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five
(45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without
explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
 
5. DATING ETIQUETTE:
For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to
be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and
business ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made
between the two parties during the working day, and each party will
attempt - with best efforts - to originate 50% of the phone calls.
Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at
least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running
off in the middle of the night" to console an old girl/boyfriend",
and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me"
from their vocabulary.
Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said
relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous "home
cooked meal" and will arrange the delivery of at least one
unexpected bouquet of flowers.
Following the first forty-five (45) days both parties will return
to their normal personalities.
 
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT:
It is agreed that - respective gross income aside - "he" will pick
up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:
     (a) He considers her suitably impressed,
     (b) we are broke, or
     (c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,
which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on
hand at the time.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sat, 17 Oct 1998 10:06:45 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: Baby SEalS
 
A baby seal waddles into a pub and the landlord asks, "What'll you
have?" and the seal says, "Whisky."
 
And the landlord says "What sort?"
 
And the seal says "Anything but Canadian Club..."
 
 
  http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Oct 1998 to 18 Oct 1998
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