HUMOR Digest - 16 Oct 1998 to 17 Oct 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 678 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Sorority Girls - Part 3/3 <adult>
  2. the wisdom of our elected officials
  3. BeTWeen the LINES
  4. The Good Old Days <adult humor>
  5. New Domain Names
  6. Eleanor Rigby
  7. You might be a nerd if... <clean>
  8. Religions as programming languages
  9. A Round Of Golf... <adult>
 10. Custer's last stand, <Off. to Indians and Custer fans>
 11. <HUMOR> Scientific Staffing Decisions
 12. Oops!
 13. DISNEY BANKRUPT !!
 14. Another Penis joke <adult>
 15. Animal Crackers (Pun)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 11:41:34 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Sorority Girls - Part 3/3 <adult>
 
Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
She's been laid all over the country.
 
What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
"Attention K-mart shoppers"
 
Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
So she can fantasize about shopping.
 
What is a sorority girl's favorite sexual position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.
 
What's the difference between Jell-o and a sorority girl?
Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
 
What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
The Dead Sea (Lake Placid is also OK).
 
How can you tell if a sorority girl's a nymphomaniac?
She'll make love the same day she has her hair done.
 
What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
No makeup.
 
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a barracuda?
Nail polish.
 
How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
Marry her.
 
Whats the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
Only 2 men fit inside a broom closet at once
 
What's the difference between a telephone booth & a sorority girl?
You don't need a quarter for the sorority girl.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 23:21:25 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: the wisdom of our elected officials
 
"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly
after age 25."     - Mary Ann Tebedo
 
(Republican member of the Colorado State Senate),
remark on the Senate floor during the 1995 session,
quoted in the Denver Post, May 14, 1995
 
 
From: The Experts Speak:
      The Definitive Compendium of authoritative Misinformation,
      by Christopher Cerf and Victor Navasky   (Villard Books)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 01:36:43 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: BeTWeen the LINES
 
Dear Dad,
 
$chool i$ really great.  I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying
very hard.  With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything
I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I
would love to hear from you.
 
Love,
Your $on.
                         ---------------
 
Dear Son,
 
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to
keep even an hoNOr student busy.  Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
 
Love,
Dad
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 03:40:31 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Good Old Days <adult humor>
 
* Working girls practiced "safe sex" back in the 50's by not
  going to the Office Party.
                           - - - - -
 
* Back in the "Good Old Days" a Russian String Quartet was a
  symphony orchestra on the way back home from a world tour.
                           - - - - -
 
* Give me the "Good Old Days" anytime.  These days it costs
  more to entertain my Grandchildren than it did to educate me.
                           - - - - -
 
* Back in the good old days we had honest politicians.  When
  you bought them -- they stayed bought !
                           - - - - -
 
* The late 50's was when sex education started in the schools.
  Most parents though had mixed emotions when their daughters
  received an "A" in the course.
                           - - - - -
 
* Speaking of sex education (I was) the 50's was the heyday of
  drive-in movies.  Most schools back then tried to be coeval
  by teaching "Driver's Ed" and "Sex Ed" in the same car.
                           - - - - -
 
*   Prior to the "Sexual Revolution", most brides were actually
  virgins.  After they were married, the new husband sat on the
  bed as his bride was undressing and said, "Darling, now I'm
  glad you made me wait. If I had found you 'easy' I probably
  wouldn't have married you at all."
    "Don't I know it !" replied the bride, "That's exactly how
  the last six guys fooled me."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 06:59:37 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: New Domain Names
 
 10. ".trek"   contains audio files of William Shatner
  9. ".bill"   Microsoft has bought this company
  8. ".love"   for people who would rather cuddle
  7. ".slow"   based in a distant country with no T3 lines
  6. ".geek"   assumes you know what all the acronyms mean
  5. ".404"    we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996
  4. ".y2k"    contains theories about the end of the world
  3. ".burn"   huge multimedia files will crash your computer
  2. ".*"      contains allegations about President Clinton's
               sex life
  1. ".duh"    explains, in detail, stuff you already know
 
 
    and here are even more new domain names being proposed:
 
 .spam   Sites which offer to sell you everything you don't want
 .buz    Excessive use of Java Scripts
 .ani    Heavy use of animated GIFs
 .hot    The most current, up-to-date sites
 .old    Sites which are updated about once a year
 .car    Data on the automotive industry
 .dog    Sites for dog lovers; or really ugly people
 .cat    Feline fanatics (not to be confused with .pussy)
 .bird   About birds; as pets or as prey
 .trip   Images of family vacations - mental health warning
 .hel    Health care (.hell is copyrighted by Devil.com)
 .peep   Dedicated to peeping-toms
 .pooh   Information for kids about Winnie The Pooh
 .poop   (left to your imagination)
 .prez   Presidential affairs (Paula, Monica, etc.)
 .star   People jealous of Presidential affairs
 .sex    Sites which claim to have teenage girls waiting to do
         whatever  you want, but are run by old guys.
         Also used for overflow from .prez
 .dul    Free sites which recycle the same low-rez images
         containing their URL
 .lnx    URLs which bounce you from one site to another, until you
         forgot what you wanted in the first place
 .cnt    Counter sites, who's only purpose is to give someone
         credit for sending you someplace you didn't want to go
 .chek   URLs which use adult verification you have to pay for only
         to discover it isn't worth it
 .jugs   Variety of pottery; not female anatomy
 .pot    Cooking sites; not associated with the weed
 .fan    Contains information about movie/music celebrities
 .red    Used by soviet-block countries
 .pet    Concerning household animals; but no Playmate Pets
 .max    Sites which don't accept your dad's credit card because
         you've already maxed it out
 .mom    Information useful to mothers about child rearing
 .dad    Handy information about avoiding children
 .kid    Tips on how to keep parents from finding out what you're
         doing on the Internet
 .wed    Tips on planning a wedding; or avoiding one
 .fit    Contains images of healthy people you didn't want to see
 .fat    Adult sites with images you REALLY didn't want to see
 .ass    Information shared by proctologists
 .$$$    Adult pay sites
 .!!!    REALLY good free adult image sites
 
 
http://www.FindMail.com/list/dailyhumor/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 08:10:49 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Eleanor Rigby
 
     (with apologies to the Beatles)
 
  Eleanor Rigby
  Sits at the keyboard
  And waits for a line on the screen
  Lives in a dream
  Waits for a signal
  Finding some code
  That will make the machine do some more.
  What is it for?
 
  All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
  All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
 
  Guru MacKenzie
  Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
  Isn't it fun?
  Look at him working,
  Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
  It takes a while...
 
  All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
  All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
 
  Eleanor Rigby
  Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
  Feels like a jerk.
  Guru MacKenzie
  Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
  Nothing will load.
 
  All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
  All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
 
                    ********************
2 more (the last 2, I promise) additions to Tongue Twisters:
 
Without psychoanalysis, we would never have found out that when we
think a thing, the thing we think is not the thing we think we
think, but merely a thing that makes us think we think the thing we
think we think.			-From Steve Weller
 
The skunk sat on the stump and the stump thunk the skunk stunk, but
the skunk thunk the stump stunk.	-From Thomas Rowe
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 14:51:45 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: You might be a nerd if... <clean>
 
... ever gained free admission to a sci-fi convention thanks to
    your Klingon attire.
... wore Birkenstocks to your wedding.
... have written long letters to Steven Hawking to dispute several
    major flaws in his thinking.
... have ever been named the world's richest citizen by Forbes
    magazine.
... have ever wished there were macros in real life for nuisance
    things like, ummm, bathing, for instance.
... are currently converting the works of Shakespeare to
    hexadecimal in your spare time.
... ever carried more than two personal digital devices on your
    person at one time.
... don't own any shirts other than the freebies you've collected   
    from software and computer companies.
... have a vanity plate on your car that reads:  EBCDIC.
... tried to implement your own Y2K fix on your former employer's
    network.
... have recently recommended a book on Perl script to your friends
    and family.
... were ever handed change while heading to work after your
    company implemented "casual" Fridays.

 
	          From: PC Week, October 12, 1998
  
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 09:28:15 -0400
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@DEP.STATE.PA.US>
Subject: Religions as programming languages
 
This all started when a friend asked if we could consider
Christianity to be "Judaism++".  What would happen if some
religions were treated as programming languages?
 
 
Judaism (J):
Block-structured religion, with syntax literally carved in blocks,
although many J programmers argue about language semantics.  In
program name spaces, there is only one divine object with global
scope, and no nested blocks may override its definition.
Unfortunately, debugging is difficult as the divine object cannot
even be named, and therefore exists only in whitespace. Most
programs make heavy use of "guilt()" call of "lman.a". Must use
RL(1) parsers.
 
Roman Catholicism (J++):
Object-oriented version of J (hence J++). J++ has overridden the
divine object and provided a name, with other method names seeing
changes and new methods added (eg. grace(), confess() are added to
Man; "Messiah" is kept, "Sheol" is now "Las Vegas", etc.)  J++
Systems Analysts must, curiously, remain celibate. The reference
platform definition resides in Rome with changes and additions made
constantly. This could be blamed by the Senior Systems Analysts'
fondness for espresso and cardinal numbers. Rumours that the
language must be expressed using only Polish notation are false.
 
Protestants (P, J++-):
In a reaction against the ornateness of J++, several European
programmers developed P by removing contentious library calls
in J++ (eg. "checkCelibacy", "payIndulgence", "enterPurgatory",
"fishOnFridays", etc.). Different P installations originally
accepted each other's code, but, alas and alack, this is no longer
the case.  There have been a few attempts to come up with a Pcode
virtual religion, but converting from one dialect to another is
difficult, and by the time the resulting program is finished
running with Pcode, the programmer ends up in therapy with a
Jungian.  Many J++ programmers convert to using P, but the reverse
is much rarer and more spectacular.
 
Southern-Baptists (Q):
This is a dialect of P in which proof of program correctness is an
executing program.  Q code which crashes is held to be incorrect,
but until this happens, it is nearly impossible to convince a Q
programmer that their running program has bugs.  For some reason,
a recent Q language conference strengthened an old J rule that
source programs with suffix ".xx" must, without question, execute
commands given by programs with suffix ".xy".
 
Islam (A):
There is some contention as to whether or not A code is inspired by
J and J++ language features or if it just overrides J and J++
methods. A programmers can easily switch between J, J++ and A code.
(However, several international J++/A programming conferences held
south of Tel Aviv between the years 1095 and 1272 turned ugly as
possession of the J reference platform was disputed.)  Much of A
programming revolves around appeals to an oracle object named "K",
which resolves all collisions in the combined J, J++ and A
namespace. Many different dialects of A remain popular, although
interoperation efforts have been occasionally described as
"internecine". The reference platform can be seen in Mecca only by
A programmers.
 
Mormons (M):
Inherits all method interfaces from P but completely changes their
implementations. This confuses most P programmers as their programs
will run on an M machine, but the programs have radically different
semantics from the original. Reference platform is in Salt Lake
City.  Young M programmers travel in pairs, handing out language
specs and programming advice for free. Many non-M practitioners
have this spec on their shelves, but never get around to reading
it. Legend has it that an M programmer wrote the precursor to
"Doom".
 
Atheists (--):
These programmers eschew programming languages, and instead work
with specification languages.  They insist that a divine object
does not exist because it cannot be fully specified.  They work
with J and J++ programmers, pointing out all the errors in latter's
code. Sadly, they actually get no work accomplished themselves
because of all the time spent specifying programs that never work
properly, although their one article of faith is that program
failure is always the fault of the programmer and never the
specifier.
 
New Age (Omega):
A scripting language combining features from the world's major
religions.  Some practitioners consider themselves wizards because
of the language's difficult syntax and semantics (a bit like awk,
sed and Rexx, but with no whitespace). These wizards have been seen
explaining their code to J++ and P programmers, but the latter have
not been able to make head(1) nor tail(1) of the algorithms.  P
programmers insist Omegans are really pagans, but there is no
evidence of Omegans performing code reviews at the stroke of
midnight, waving dead chickens, or using assembly code.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 09:31:51 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: A Round Of Golf... <adult>
 
Father, son, and grandfather go out to play a round of golf. On the
way out to the first tee they are joking, boasting, and cussing.
This is very much the men's day out. Just before the son is ready
to tee off, a fine looking woman carrying her clubs approaches
them. She explains that her partner didn't show and asks if she can
join them. Naturally, the guys all agree.
 
Soon afterwards, the son starts grumbling because now he can't cuss
and bullshit in her presence. The lady turns to the three of them
and says, "Listen, boys, I don't care what the three of you do or
say out here. Go ahead, cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just
don't try to coach me on my game." She then proceeds to tee off.
 
All eyes are on her ass she bends over to place the ball on the
tee. She then knocks the shit out of the ball, right up the middle
of the fairway. She continues to amaze the three guys, shooting for
at least par on every hole. When they get to the 18th green, she
has a 12 foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "I want to
thank you guys for not trying to coach my games. But, I have never
shot par before and I want your opinions on this putt. If any of
your opinions help me make par, then I'll give each of you a blow
job that you'll never forget."
 
The son jumps at the thought. He strolls onto the green, eyes up
the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that
putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left
12 inches from the hole and will go into the cup."
 
Then, the father says, "Don't listen to the youngster. Aim 12
inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the
hole, and fall into the cup."
 
The grandfather looks at the both of them in disgust. He walks over
to her ball on the green, picks it up, and says, "Fuck the putt,
that's a Gimme."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 07:33:29 -0700
From:    Varnadore Clynch <Clynch_Varnadore@SELINC.COM>
Subject: Custer's last stand, <Off. to Indians and Custer fans>
 
The small town's local hero was a fellow who had been a private in
in Custer's Army - the one wiped out at Custer's last stand. It was
a little known fact that this fellow's trousers had ripped that
morning when he put them on, and he had to sew them. When he
finally arrived at Little Big Horn, he discovered to his dismay
that the whole army had been wiped out. Noticing that the brevet
General was still alive, he walked to Custer and knelt down by his
ear, hoping to catch a last word. He never told a soul what Custer
had said.
 
Time has passed, and our friend matured and became a quite famous
artist. The mayor of the small town commissioned him to do a mural
of Custer's Last Stand, with the theme being Custer's last words,
(The mayor hoped, by doing this, that he could satisfy the
curiosity of reporters and historians, as well as feather his own
political cap).
 
Came the day of the unveiling of the mural, our friend had still
managed to keep the whole thing quite secret, and reporters and
politicians from all over the country turned out to see the mural.
After the appropriate ceremony, the cord was tugged and the curtain
came down - exposing a giant mural of many Indians engaged in a
huge orgy. Indians in every conceivable position and style.
 
The mayor, horrified, quickly called a halt to the proceedings and
demanded that the curtain be replaced and the mural destroyed. He
pulled the artist aside and said, "What kind of cruel joke is
this?"
 
The survivor answered, "That's why I never told what Custer said
those many years ago. His last words were '...so many f**king
indians!'"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 11:57:35 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Scientific Staffing Decisions

 
        Nutty Humor... Where to Place Them
 
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them
in a room with only a table and two chairs.  Leave them alone for
two hours, without any instruction.  At the end of that time, go
back and see what they are doing.
 
If they have taken the table apart,
   put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
   assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
   send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs,
   Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
   Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor,
   perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
   put them into Purchasing.
If they mention hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
   Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping,
   they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience,
   send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room,
   assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks,
   send them to Marketing.
 
          -From: Jai Agarwal <Jai_Agarwal@ril.co
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 11:02:54 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Oops!
 
This from a reader of the Tulsa, Oklahoma newspaper:
 
We have a pretty good newspaper here, but sometimes the reporters
expose their youth and ignorance of the language in embarrassing
ways. This morning, in a report of state legislative doings, the
reporter referred to something called the 'mental health parody'
bill. Later in the paragraph, it became apparent that the
discussion was about providing mental health insurance on a par
with physical health insurance.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 16:26:57 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: DISNEY BANKRUPT !!
 
DISNEY FILES BANKRUPTCY PAPERS
 
BURBANK, CA (DPI)
Media mega-giant Disney has asked for protection from creditors,
filing bankruptcy papers early Wednesday morning in Burbank City
Court.  Just last week, Disney was a model of financial strength
and boasted dividends on its stock that were well above industry
analysts' projections.  So what went wrong?  According to Disney
CEO Michael Eisner, the collapse was due to an Internet promotion
gone terribly awry.
 
It seems that Disney's Head of Internet Marketing, Millicent
Perkins, took it upon herself to start a chain letter promotion in
conjunction with software giant Microsoft in which Disney would pay
$5,000 in cash or an all-expenses paid trip to Orlando's
Disneyworld theme park to the first 13,000 people who received a
copy of Perkins' initial message.  However, due to the tremendous
increase in Internet users over the last several months, over 30
million people received the message simultaneously, causing Disney
to have to pay out over $150 billion dollars, which in turn forced
the company to move quickly to bankruptcy court to try to save
itself.
 
Eisner immediately asked that all Disney employees pitch in by
taking a small paycut, and made himself an example by lopping $235
a month off of his $30 million yearly salary.  Reached for comment,
Eisner said, "What the hell was that broad thinking??"
 
 
Reported by Tristan Fabriani
The Daily Probe, August 26, 1998
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 19:43:05 EDT
From:    J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Another Penis joke <adult>
 
WHAT WAS THAT WRITTEN ON THE BLACKBOARD?
 
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed
someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She
turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.
 
Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next
day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the
word 'penis' again on the black board.
 
Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none,
so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
 
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and
found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger
than the previous day's word.
 
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the
same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you
rub it, the bigger it gets!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 17:57:12 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Animal Crackers (Pun)
 
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son
pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he
spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
 
"What are you doing?" his mom asked.
 
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy
 explained... "I'm looking for the seal."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Oct 1998 to 17 Oct 1998
************************************************
 
