HUMOR Digest - 15 Oct 1998 to 16 Oct 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 861 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Making Hay (Pun)
  2. Sorority Girls - Part 2/3 <adult>
  3. Sex <adult humor>
  4. Female Definitions
  5. Well - It Ain't Exactly Final Jeopardy
  6. PLEASE FORWARD <adult, off. to idiots>
     ((re: Urban hoaxes rant))
  7. Things they should come up with
  8. <HUMOR> Three Tales of the Times
  9. CajuN AirLiNEs
 10. Top5-10/15/98-Differences Between the $20 Bills
 11. Heaven's Gate/ Cyber World <Adult>
 12. The Bears (Pun)
 13. The Beer and Ice Cream Diet
 14. Bill of No Rights
 15. Tought Than Sis
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 14 Oct 1998 23:20:52 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Making Hay (Pun)
 
A married couple, educated but down on their luck, became itinerant
farm workers and were hired by a woman rancher to harvest her hay
crop. Since rainy weather was coming, she impressed upon her new
hands the need for speed and long hours. She also urged them to be
careful of the hay, for she wanted to exhibit the best of her crop
at the Annual Fair.
 
The pair worked long past sunset to cut the hay and place it in the
neat lines necessary for proper drying. In the dark, somehow both
cut themselves with their scythes. There was only one Band-Aid so
the husband tore it in half and shared it with his helpmate.
 
You know, he said, as he covered his wife s wound, this is
romantic. Sort of...
share an aid in the night by a Fair lady's windrow.
 
                    -By John S. Crosbie
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 10:36:50 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Sorority Girls - Part 2/3 <adult>
 
What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
 
What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
 
What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival?
Multiple total eclipses.
 
What is a sorority girl's mating call...
"I'm soooo drunk,  I'm sooooo drunk!"
 
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
 
What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
   Nothing.  There are some things a sorority girl won't do.
   I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
   I don't know, but when it sucks your cock,
      it does't stop until it gets blood.
 
1) Tri Delts; I'm sure everyone else has.
2) If your date won't, Tri Delts.
3) Once you've tried everyone else, Tri Delts.
 
and
 
2)     __________         __________
       \        /   /\    \        /
        \      /   /  \    \      /
         \    /   /    \    \    /
          \  /   /      \    \  /
           \/   /________\    \/
 
       Tri Delts:  Two out of three go down.
 
What do fraternity boys call hemorrhoids ?
Speed bumps.
 
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog ?
Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
 
How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
   Two, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daaaaddy.
   7, one to change it and six to go out & buy Tab (or diet Coke)
   65, 1 to do it and 64 to sing and clap.
   One.  She holds on to it and the world revolves around her.
   Six.  One to screw it in and five to make the T-shirts.
 
------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 04:38:37 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Sex <adult humor>
 
* A friend of mine swerved to avoid a child recently.
  He fell out of bed.
                                - - - - -
 
* He was a very clumsy lover...
  so the girl had to put him in her place.
                                - - - - -
 
* The biggest difference between sex for money and sex for love
  is that sex for money usually costs a LOT less.
                                - - - - -
 
* A hint for the younger generation of men.  Listen guys, it's
  fine to be competitive and be a winner.  But let me tell ya
  when it comes to making love, you don't have to finish first.
                                - - - - -
 
* And while I'm at it, a hint for the young ladies too.  Romance
  is strictly a matter of timing -- the girl has to give in just
  before the guy gives up.
                                - - - - -
 
* Like it or not a man's sex drive diminishes with age. I went
  to the doctor to see what could be done to improve mine.
  Instead of Vigara though, he recommended a trip to Lourdes.
                                - - - - -
 
* I agree that a man should never "kiss and tell".  But listen
  Ladies, if the sex was good, feel free to tell your girlfriends.
  I mean, us older guys need all the publicity we can get.
                                - - - - -
 
*   While both sex and humor are an important part of my life,
  I have other interests.  I know a guy though who sez sex and
  making people laugh are the most important things in his life.
    Unfortunately though, he sez he usually ends up doing both
  at the same time.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 07:04:51 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Female Definitions
 
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that occurs when you're
     right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
 
Airhead (er*hed) n. -- What a woman intentionally becomes when
     pulled over by a policeman.
 
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. -- You bought the groceries, washed the
     lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the
     meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".
 
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. -- Gotta get married in a church.
 
Childbirth (child*brth) n. -- You get to go through 36 hours of
     contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say focus...
     breathe... push..."
 
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. -- An appliance designed to eat
     socks.
 
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. -- A drink you buy at a convenience
     store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.
 
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. -- The last two minutes of a football
     game.
 
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down a mall,
     occasionally resting to make a purchase.
 
Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. -- What you spend half an hour
     writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
 
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. -- Someone who is able to create
     style you will never be able to duplicate again.
     See "Magician".
 
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. -- Similar to a black hole in
     space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
 
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. -- On your lips, coloring to enhance the
     beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp
     would wear...!
 
Park (park) v./n. -- Before children, a verb meaning "to go
     somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place
     with a swing set and slide.
 
Patience (pa*shens) n. -- The most important ingredient for dating,
     marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers".
 
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. -- A day when you have dreams
     of a candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance but consider
     yourself lucky to get a card.
 
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. -- Comes off if you
     cry, shower or swim but will not come off if you try to remove
     it.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 08:20:16 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Well - It Ain't Exactly Final Jeopardy
 
Actual answers given by contestants in the game show Family Feud
 
Name something a blind person might use -  A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck -  Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine -
     A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping -  Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it -  Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels
 
		*********************
     Quick addition to yesterday's tongue twisters,
     sent to me by Robert C. Oshinsky.
 
I'm a mother pheasant plucker. I pluck mother pheasants.
I'm the most pleasant mother pheasant plucker that ever
plucked a mother pheasant.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 08:48:02 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: PLEASE FORWARD <adult, off. to idiots>
         ((re: Urban hoaxes rant))
 
     [via Clint Heine]
 
Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin.

I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores
on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped
and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending
out 50 billion fucking 'forwards' sent to me by people who actually
believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in
Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the
cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took
pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography
website will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter.
 
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and
everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are
you?  Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a
wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the
catalog! What a bunch of bullshit.
 
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people
out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid
chain mail 'forwards'. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns
will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not
continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was
brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if
it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of
World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
 
Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send
something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of
your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human
being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being"
'forwards' about 90 times. I*don't*fucking*care. Show a little
intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing
to by sending out  'forwards.' Chances are it's your own
unpopularity.
 
P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 15:20:42 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: Things they should come up with
 
The other day I just realized that they should have invented quite
a huge amount of things.. Some of them are:

- silicone after-shampooing, so your hair is dry the instant you
  walk away from the shower
- pre-heater for the sprays. You know the feeling, early in the
  morning, when you just feel warm and the damn spray sprays
  ice-cold jets of deodorant...
- speaking of deodorants, they should make an *effective* 24h deo.
- wine or beer in Coca-Cola cans, so you... So I can drink while
  working.
- they should make caller id a must, so I can avoid annoying people
  on the phone or phone-evangelists.
- I also need every now and then light-seeking missiles, so when
  some stupid yuppie and his BMW are blinding me with their fancy
  blue-halogen-or-whatever-they-are lights... BOOM!
- a tester for drinks. You just dip it in the glass and it tells
  you how many shots you can have without a hangover. It should
  work also on booze which is unknown to me.
- you know how bad becomes Coca Cola, after opening the bottle and
  leaving it open the whole nite? I want a Coke re-carbonater!
- a halo around my head, which should be activated by phrases like:
  "I didn't do it!", "I never touched it!", ""Me? Of course not!",
  "I have no idea", etc
- automatic condoms. They should put on and come off by themselves,
  and also they should buy a new pack when the old one is finished.
  WRONG! I should say, BEFORE the old one is finished.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 12:38:00 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Three Tales of the Times
 
     My brother just passed the following stories along to me.
     They are of unknown origin.
 
                         Trouble in Traffic
 
The other day I was on my way home from work when the most
remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as
I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my
windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its
wing stuck under the windshield wiper.
 
Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck
on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on
the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually
worked.
 
On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing...
it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it
didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but
the car behind me was a police car.
 
Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I
was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw
what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on
deaf ears.
 
He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping
me the bird.
 
          -Alan.Mica@omr.state.ny.us
                         ~~~~~  ~~~~~ ~~~~~
 
                          Big Game Hunter
 
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find
her mother gone.  Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both
trying to find her mother.
 
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started
to look for her.  In a clearing not far from the camp, they came
upon a chilling sight:  the mother-in-law was backed up against a
thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
 
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
 
"Nothing," said the hunter husband.  "The lion got himself into
this mess, let him get himself out of it."
                         ~~~~~  ~~~~~ ~~~~~
 
                         At the Blackjack Table
 
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand
were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the
dealer.
 
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's
fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had
nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"
 
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"
 
"Yes."
 
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should
tip me."
 
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 15:07:00 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: CajuN AirLiNEs
 
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines. Boudreaux was
flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo
equipment an stuff.
 
Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around an Boudreaux
got knock unconscience. Then da plane started driftin. Pierre him
come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steerin
wheel.
 
Well, Pierre don't know notin bout flyin an he start to get panaky.
He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air
Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscence an I don know nutin
about flyin dis plane!"
 
"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry about
nutin. We gonna splain how fo you to land dis plane, step by step,
ah gar-on-tee! Jus  Fus, how high are you an whas you position?"
Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da
way to da front of da plane."
 
"No! No!" answer da tower. "What's you altitude an where's you
location?"
 
Pierre say, "Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodeaux!"
 
"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many
feet you got off da ground an how you plane's in relation to da
airport!"
 
Pierre start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's an
mine, we got four feet off da ground an I don believe dis plane's
related to you airport!"
 
A long pause --- the silence was deafenin.
 
"We needs to know who you next of kin is and where to send da
flowers...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 16:59:58 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5-10/15/98-Differences Between the $20 Bills
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                        October 15, 1998
 
Over the last year or so, the United States has been changing
the look of its currency, and not necessarily for the better...
 
                The Top 12 Differences Between
            the New $20 Bill and the Old $20 Bill
 
12> Andrew Jackson now wearing a single glove and accompanied
    by his sister, Latoya.
 
11> Special counterfeit-proof "watermark"  contains actual
    sample of Alan Greenspan's DNA.
 
10> Look, it's rip-proof!   Oh, shit...
 
 9> Radically improved scratch-n-sniff technology allows holder
    of bill to smell the rotting corpse of Andrew Jackson.
 
 8> WooHoo!  The new one is 2-ply!!
 
 7> Thanks to new "StripperStick" coating, they adhere directly
    to the skin of exotic dancers.
 
 6> New $20: Tiny watermark depicting Joe Q. Taxpayer taking it
    in the ass again.
 
 5> Federal Reserve now referred to as "The Notorious F.E.D."
 
 4> To deter counterfeiters, all new bills feature a watermark
    of a naked Janet Reno.
 
 3> Less smoke and new, springtime fresh aroma when used to heat
    Bill Gates's home.
 
 2> Old bill:  Produced by U.S. Treasury.
    New bill:  Produced by Sean "Puffy" Combs.
 
          and Top5's Number 1 Difference Between the
   New $20 Bill and the New $20 Bill and the Old $20 Bill...
 
 1> It's 30% twentier!
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 17:02:30 EDT
From:    J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Heaven's Gate/ Cyber World <Adult>
 
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.
Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy
of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times,
furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that
you did anything really good in your life but, you never did
anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one
REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
 
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one
time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant
group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough,
there they were, about 50 of 'em, torturing this chick. Infuriated,
I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked
straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded
leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.  As I
walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle
around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and
yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl
alone, you slime!  You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
 
St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really?  When did this happen?"
"About two minutes ago."
                        ***********
 
A girl, let's call her Jen, is a junior in college attending school
in Colorado.  Like all college students, she is wrapped up in the
partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen, being the
computer science major that she is, does, however, have a lot of
work to do on her computer. So when she's not out having a good
time, she's working her butt off designing computer programs and
installing software.
 
One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was
home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years
they had been dating.
 
She was sad, alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new
homepage. While she was playing on the net, she decided to get onto
a chatline. Being the wild psycho she is, she logged onto a sex
line. Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as 
Jeremy.
 
She started playing with him, gave a false name, saying her name
was "Katie," an started getting into detail about what she would
like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to
picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of
her body.  Soon they were having cybesex.  This went on for awhile,
and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line
the following night.
 
Saturday night rolls around, and Jen, as 'Katie,' is on the line
with Jeremy again.  They become even closer this night, and they
continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started
talking about other things and got into very intimate issues and
feelings. They became close, exchanging details about their lives,
but Jen didn't tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was
afraid of sounding like an immature college girl.  She felt guilty,
but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy.
 
The virtual relationship carried on like this for months, and the
months turned into a year.  By the end of the year, they had
exchanged their most intimate thoughts, but had never even spoken
on the phone.
 
They were afraid of ruining the mystery. 'Katie' & Jeremy had done
everything sexually possible over the net,  and they were
affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could someday
be together.
 
Finally the time had come; they had to meet each other. They were
in love.  They didn't care about age or looks, but only for each
other. Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife.  Jen
was wary at first, but decided she didn't care how old or ugly he
might be. She loved him, and he was the only one she could feel
comfortable with.
 
They planned a trip to meet in Vail, Colorado.  They were finally 
going to see each other and spend the rest of the weekend together.
As Jen didn't want the hassle of trying to recognize someone she's
never seen, she said, "Why don't you just get a room?  We'll meet
there, and that way there will be no mistake."  Jeremy agreed.
 
Jen showed up at the resort first and checked in, telling the desk
lady to hold a key for the next party.  She then went up to the
room.  Wanting things to be special, she lit some candles and put
on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into bed under the
covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there.
 
The lights were out and the mood was right when she heard a key in
the door. She heard someone walk in and around the corner.  She
whispered, "Jeremy?"

A voice replied, "Katie?"  "Yes," she said, so he fumbled for the
light and turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him.
 
Then next thing heard around the world were two blood curling
screams.

Jen covered herself up, and in her most humiliated voice said...
"Dad?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 17:28:36 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Bears (Pun)
 
These three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their
truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears:
 
"OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to really
piss these bears off. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So,
Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken
leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one
eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the
huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the
big teeth, and froth around the mouth"
 
"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster pissed off,
and you guys get the cubs ? That's not fair!"
 
"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 22:15:45 -0400
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: The Beer and Ice Cream Diet
         (Also called Thermodynamics to the Rescue)
 
OK....here's the ultimate diet for you Beer and Ice Cream fans
 
As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree
centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if
you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large
part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to
body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the
calories out of the only available source: your body fat.
 
For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C
(32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body
temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert
eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated
above.
 
The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.  Therefore, by
operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal/gm/deg. x 37
deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's
temperature is normalized.
 
Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net
calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.
 
Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are
and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.
 
This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in
frosted glasses.  Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories,
but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the
temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per
ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.
 
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240
calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in
the process of drinking a can of beer.
 
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more  beneficial, since
it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and
an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature.
The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands
down.
 
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer,
pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body
temperature) induces an opposite effect.
 
But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned,
the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and
follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 16 Oct 1998 04:54:32 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Bill of No Rights
 
(The following was apparently written by State Representative
 Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA. I have not verified this)
 
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to
help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid
any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and
secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our
great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain
and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally
whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal, bedwetters. We
hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people
were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they
require a Bill of No Rights.
 
ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other
form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them,
but no one is guaranteeing anything.
 
ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is
based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just
you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different
opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always
will be.
 
ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect
the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.
 
ARTICLE IV:
Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will
gladly help anyone in need, generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the
creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
 
ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice,
but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in
public health care.
 
ARTICLE VI:
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be
surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric
chair.
 
ARTICLE VII
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob,
cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't
be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a
place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV
or a life of leisure.
 
ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their
lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate
oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from
going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting
the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time
battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and
a funny hat.
 
ARTICLE IX:
You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you
to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we
expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and
vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
 
ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means
that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is
a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic
laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of
Rights.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 21:04:26 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Tought Than Sis
 
THIS YEAR
 
"This year," asserted a first-grade Missouri boy, "I'm going to be
tougher with my sister!"
 
"How will you be tougher?" I asked.
 
"When she pushes me around, I'm not going to budge."  Then he
added, "This year, I'm going to be bigger."
 
 
	"Kids Are Still Saying the Darndest Things"
	 by Dandi Daley Mackall
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Oct 1998 to 16 Oct 1998
************************************************
 
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