HUMOR Digest - 14 Oct 1998 to 15 Oct 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 489 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Columbia Maryland
  2. What Men Really Mean (adult)
  3. Cats
  4. Tongue twisters
  5. More Monica
  6. PARTISAN ? <adult>
  7. The Sermon
  8. Penis Jokes <adult>
  9. When I'm a Little Old Lady
 10. Legally Accurate...
 
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Date:    Wed, 14 Oct 1998 04:08:36 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Columbia Maryland
 
* Most of the homes in Columbia have kitchen sinks with 3 taps:
  Hot, Cold and Perrier.
                           - - - - -
 
* Like the rest of Howard County, Columbia residents do indeed
  support recycling; but where else are you likely to find all
  the items, placed outside to be picked-up, monogrammed.
                           - - - - -
 
* One unfortunate Yuppie had a Japanese gardener, a German cook &
  an Iranian houseboy.  Last week, they got together and captured
  his house.
                           - - - - -
 
* As you might expect, divorce runs rampart in Columbia.  One lil'
  boy talked back to his Father.  The Mother said, "Don't you dare
  talk like that to your Father, you hardly even know the man."
                           - - - - -
 
* Speaking of divorce (I was), Columbia lawyers charge you about
  $50,000 for a non-contested divorce.  Some will offer a discount
  package deal though -- you can sign-up for three for $125,000.
                           - - - - -
 
* Columbia is a city of greed, infidelity, power plays, finance,
  & self-serving individualists.  It's a place where giant egos
  clash with major insecurities.  There's greed, infidelity,
  seduction and shallowness -- and that's just in the churches.
                           - - - - -
 
*   I got stranded one nite in Columbia during a severe blizzard.
  I was registering at one of the plush hotels and asked the clerk
  what he had for about $50.
    Pointing to the pen I was signing the register with, he
  intoned, "You're holding it, Sir."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 14 Oct 1998 07:06:25 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: What Men Really Mean (adult)
 
"I'm going fishing."
     Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,
     and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
     swim by in complete safety."
 
"It's a guy thing."
     Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern
     connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making 
     it logical."
 
"Can I help with dinner?"
     Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
 
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
     Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
     response.
 
"It would take too long to explain."
     Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
 
"We're going to be late."
     Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive
     like a maniac."
 
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
     Really means... "I was wondering if that red-head over there
     is wearing a bra."
 
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
     Really means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
     cleaner."
 
"That's interesting, dear."
     Really means... "Are you still talking?"
 
"It's a really good movie."
     Really means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and
     beautiful women."
 
"That's women's work."
     Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
 
"You know how bad my memory is."
     Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
     the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
     Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
     forgot your birthday."
 
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
     Really means... "The girl selling them on the corner was a
     real babe."
 
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
     Really means... "I have actually severed a limb, but will
     bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
 
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
     Really means... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
 
"I can't find it."
     Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
     so I'm completely clueless."
 
"What did I do this time?"
     Really means... "What did you catch me at?"
 
"I heard you."
     Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
     said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough
     so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
 
"You know I could never love anyone else."
     Really means... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and
     realize it could be worse."
 
"You look terrific."
     Really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.
     I'm starving."
 
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
     Really means... "No one will ever see us alive again."
 
"We share the housework."
     Really means... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 14 Oct 1998 08:41:15 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Cats
 
 1.  Cats do what they want, when they want.
 2.  They rarely listen to you.
 3.  They're totally unpredictable.
 4.  They whine when they are not happy.
 5.  When you want to play they want to be left alone.
 6.  When you want to be alone, they want to play.
 7.  They expect you to cater to their every whim.
 8.  They're moody.
 9.  They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
 
   Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 14 Oct 1998 10:29:12 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Tongue twisters
 
Try to say "Unique New York" six times real fast.
 
Some tongue twister limericks:
 
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or
To tutor two tooter to toot?"
 
A canner exceedingly canny
One morning remarked to his granny
"A canner can can
Anything that he can
But a canner can't can a can, can he?"
 
A flea and a fly in flue
Were imprisoned so what could they do?
Said the flea, "Let us fly."
"Let us flee," said the fly.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
 
Now try these (and keep them clean!!):
 
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit.  Upon a slitted sheet I sit.
 
I am not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
I'm only plucking pheasants 'til the pheasant plucking's done.
 
When I was in college, our warm up each day was to sing each of the
following phrases, progressing up and down the scale.
 
We began with:
#1.  Lemon liniment
 
We then progressed to:
#2.  Aluminum lemon liniment.
 
And ended with:
#3.  Amalgamated aluminum lemon liniment
 
By the time we were done we could sing anything!!!
 
And now my all time favorite (that took me forever to learn)!
 
Betty Botter bought some butter, but she said,
"This butter's bitter."
If I put this bitter butter in my batter,
it'll make my batter bitter.
So Betty Botter bought some better butter,
and she put it in her bitter batter and
it made her bitter batter better.
So, 'tis better Betty Botter bought her better butter.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 14 Oct 1998 11:04:46 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: More Monica
 
     (These just in from the Bingo Queen)
 
Did you know that Monica was going to marry the Unabomber?
She'll be Monica Lewinsky Kaczinski: she said it's a mouthful,
but she thinks she can handle it.
 
There's more evidence for Starr's investigation.
Monica will cough it up shortly.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 14 Oct 1998 11:42:37 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: PARTISAN ? <adult>
 
Press Release...
 
NEW YORK CITY
The Meriam-Webster Publishing Co. today announced that they
have officially redefined the word 'partisan'. It will no longer
mean, "a strong supporter of a person, party or cause."
 
From now on, the word partisan will be, "a negative word used to
describe anyone who disagrees with the Democratic party." Synonyms
for the word Partisan will include: unloving, closed-minded and
mean-spirited.
 
Webster's has also redefined the word 'bipartisan' to mean
"anyone loving and open-minded enough to agree with
Democrats." Synonyms for bipartisan will include: enlightened,
humanitarian and genius.
 
In a related story, Webster's Dictionary is still the number one
purchased dictionary by liberally-inclined government institutions.
 
                   ++++++++++++ALSO++++++++++++
 
Q. Have you heard about the new presidential limousine?
A. It's called the Pervertible...
   ...the top goes up and the intern goes down!
 
Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself.
               -Mark Twain
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 14 Oct 1998 12:40:39 -0500
From:    RANEBOUX <wett@GS.VERIO.NET>
Subject: The Sermon
 
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about
the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all
to read Mark 17.1"
 
The following Sunday the minister asked for a show of hands to
indicate how many had read Mark 17.  Every hand went up. The
minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will
now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 14 Oct 1998 19:36:45 EDT
From:    J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Penis Jokes <adult>
 
      (Since yesterday was BREAST DAY, I figured I'd
       put in a few penis jokes for all of you!)
 
 
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when
Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a
corkscrew. "Wow," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."
 
"Like what?" Ted said.
 
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed said.
 
"Well, what's yours like?" Ted said.
 
"Straight, like normal," Ed said.
 
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Ted said.
 
Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a
shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
 
"What did you do that for?" Ted said.
 
Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."
 
"Cripes," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
 
                        ***********
 
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was
very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a
small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their
clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while
enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who
should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest
covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they
ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on,
the minister and  the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his
face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation,
it's my face they would recognize."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 15 Oct 1998 03:12:19 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: When I'm a Little Old Lady
 
          (Best with a fixed font.)
 
      ___
     (___)   When I'm a little old lady
    /`   `\  Then I'll live with my children
   /  /"\  \     and bring them great joy.
   \_/o o\_/ To repay all I've had
    (  _  )      from each girl and boy
    ` \ /`     I shall draw on the walls
    /\\V//\      and scuff up the floor;
   / /_ _\ \  Run in and out
   \ \_ _/ /     without closing the door.
    \/   \/  I'll hide frogs in the pantry,
    ||   ||      socks under my bed.
    ||   ||  Whenever they scold me,
    ||_ _||      I'll hang my head.
    |_____|  I'll run and I'll romp,
      |||        always fritter away
     / Y \   The time to be spent
     `"`"`       doing chores every day.
   I'll pester my children               ___
    when they are on the phone.         (___)
  As long as they're busy              /`   `\
      I won't leave them alone.       /  /"\  \
Hide candy in closets,                \_/o o\_/
     rocks in a drawer,                (  _  )
And never pick up my clothes           `\ /`
       from the floor.                 /\\V//\
Dash off to the movies                / /_ _\ \
    and not wash a dish.              \ \___/ /
  I'll plead for allowance             \/   \/
     whenever I wish.                  ||   ||
I'll stuff up the plumbing             ||   ||
   and deluge the floor.               ||_ _||
As soon as they've mopped it,          |_____|
     I'll flood it some more.            |||
  When they correct me,                 / Y \
     I'll lie down and cry,             `"'"`
      ___     Kicking and screaming,
     (___)        not a tear in my eye.
    /`   `\   I'll take all their pencils
   /  /"\  \      and flashlights, and then
   \_/o o\_/  When they buy new ones,
    (  _  )       I'll take them again.
     `\ /`    I'll spill glasses of milk
    /\\V//\       to complete every meal,
   / /_ _\ \  Eat my banana and
   \ \___/ /      just drop the peel.
    \/   \/   Put toys on the table,
    ||   ||       spill jam on the floor,
    ||   ||   I'll break lots of dishes
    ||___||       as though I were four.
    |_____|   What fun I shall have,
      |||         what joy it will be to
     / Y \    Live with my children....
     `"`"`        the way they lived with me!
 
     -author unknown
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 14 Oct 1998 23:28:38 EDT
From:    Eric Barr <EricBarr@AOL.COM>
Subject: Legally Accurate...
 
Somewhere in America this week the following conversation is taking
place:
 
Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son - What's up, Dad?
 
D- There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
S- I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the
   car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
 
D- Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last
   night, And no one else has driven it since. How can you explain
   the scratch?
S- Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching
   the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last
   night, I did not scratch it.
 
D- But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car
   against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud
   scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then
   drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch
   the car?
S- Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched
   it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the
   car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the
   car.
 
D- Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the
   mailbox?
S- Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the
   street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in
   direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my
   intent.
 
D- So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
S- No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my
   original statement that I did not scratch the car.
 
D- But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched
   as a result of this contact?
S- Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
 
D- So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
S- No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the
   car?". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the
   meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the
   mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching
   occurred. So my answer of No" when you asked "Did I scratch the
   car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer
   information.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Oct 1998 to 15 Oct 1998
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