HUMOR Digest - 13 Oct 1998 to 14 Oct 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 509 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Unloved ???
  2. (Strange) Laws From Around The Globe
  3. A Monica-free week
  4. Sexual Aids <adult, off. to me!>
  5. Shopping List From 1849's California Gold Rush
  6. Humor:Real life......
  7. 20 reasons why CHOCOLATE is better than SEX [adult innuendo]
  8. Humorous Info:  The Aw Schucks Dept.
  9. Breast Milk/Nice Breasts <adult>
 10. Rental Cars (Puns)
 11. Urban hoaxes rant
 12. Age of Innocence
 
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Date:    Tue, 13 Oct 1998 03:31:54 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Unloved ???
 
You Know You're Unloved if...
 
- when you were born, your Father gave out old cigar butts
 
- as a baby, your Father threw you in the air and walked away
 
- you find out your Mother is nursing another baby on the side
 
- your tub toys included a toaster shaped like a rubber duck
 
- your folks threw a "going-into-the-Army" party when you were 3
 
- you run away, and the family can't give the Police a description
 
- you were always stood-up at the Father-Son banquet at Church
 
- kidnappers send back your ear & your parents demand more proof
 
- you play "hide & seek" with Mom and she hides in another town
 
- your parents take you to an orphanage and tell you to mingle
 
- you had to share your sandbox with the cat
 
- you always got your allowance in Traveler's Checks
 
- you join the marching band in school and they give you a piano
 
- you take a girl to the Tunnel of Love & she makes you swim
 
- you were the only candidate for Class President & came in fifth
 
- the only thing your girl wants out of your relationship is her
 
- your kids file a paternity suit against you
 
- the surgeon operating on you says, "I'll take all calls."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 13 Oct 1998 07:40:42 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: (Strange) Laws From Around The Globe
 
Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law:
"After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to
eat its flesh."
 
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but
the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male
animal is punishable by death.
 
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the
examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
 
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This
also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be
covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
 
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
 
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam
law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Anyone
looking for a job?)
 
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
(The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
manner desired.)
 
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.
 
In Cali, Columbia, a woman may only have sex with her husband and
the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to
witness the act.
 
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time.
 
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
consumption on the premises."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 13 Oct 1998 08:53:59 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A Monica-free week

On the National Public Radio program, Morning Edition, this
morning, White House Correspondent Mara Liasson was talking
about the weeks' news from Congress and the President's Office.
She referred to this week of news from D.C. as the first
"Monica-free" week for some time!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 13 Oct 1998 09:43:31 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Sexual Aids <adult, off. to me!>
 
A greasy butter wrapper, properly inserted, can turn any old
hole into a tolerable fuck. Bung one into the hole of a tree
and you could be fucking Madonna. It can get madly exciting.
(especially if there's a hornet's nest in there too!)
 
Women will find that a swipe of a butter wrapper over a live
ornamental carp will turn it into a very acceptable substitute
for a ten inch vibrator. It thrusts, it vibrates, it flaps,
it uses no batteries, smells the same, and best of all you can
eat it afterwards. You can't say that for the Don-Kee Latex Dildo.
 
Men, don't ignore the humble squeegee-sponge mop! Dip it in warm
bacon grease, fold it around your cock using the convenient lever
provided, squeeze, and you have the perfect quicky. No cum to wipe
up afterwards either - it cums ready mopped.
 
Men - find yourself a ripe cantaloupe. Now cut a pussy-sized
hole in one side. Not too big, not too small. OK, if you like, you
can put it into the microwave for 10 seconds to warm it up. Nice
and wet and warm and juicy? Do yourself a favor, put your cock
in there. MMmmmmmmm! Does that feel like pussy or what? Hang on,
don't fuck it now! Well, you can if you want, but that's
beginner's stuff.
 
   The male equivalent of the washing machine has always been
the vacuum cleaner. Because it sucks, we assume it gives a
blowjob. In practice, it whangs your doings hard against an iron
ring and keeps it fluttering like a balloon in a wind tunnel or -
in the case of those little car vacuums - it chew two inches off
of the end of your cock.
   To satisfy a real man, a vacuum cleaner requires a little bit
of preparation. First, find a spare hose for your cleaner, make a
hole in it about four inches from the end where your fingers
conveniently fall when holding it to your groin. Now select a
large melon, cutting a hole the size of your cock, and remem-
bering to warm it in the microwave some. Cut four or five small
holes into the other end of the melon, and place over the end
of the hose. Turn the vac on and off a few times to check for
good suction inside the fruit.
   Switch on and insert the penis inside the fruit. Now by closing
the hole you made in the tube with your finger, you cause your
cock to be sucked deep inside the warm, juicy, smooth orifice
provided. Take your finger off and it's released. In out, in out-
the perfect blowjob.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 13 Oct 1998 10:58:46 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Shopping List From 1849's California Gold Rush
 

The following are minimum amounts necessary for an eight day
trip in the mountains:

8 lbs potatoes
1 bottle whiskey
1 bottle pepper sauce
1 bottle whiskey
1 box tea
9 lbs onions
2 bottles whiskey
1 ham
11 lbs crackers
1 bottle whiskey
12 dozen sardines
2 bottles brandy, (4th proof)
6 lbs sugar
1 bottle brandy, (4th proof)
7 lbs cheese
2 bottles brandy, (4th proof)
1 bottle pepper
5 gallons whiskey
4 bottles whiskey (old Bourbon)
1 small keg whiskey
1 bottle of cocktails, (designated "starter")
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 13 Oct 1998 13:13:45 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Real life......
 
I went to lunch today at a local bar....during my beer and pastrami
sandwich an OLD friend came in... Dan is 90+
 
We went through the usual chit chat and then he told me his wife of
65 years is not doing well...
 
And then... out of the blue... he says.... "You know, I don't think
I'll ever get married again."
 
I think if you look up optimist in the dictionary you'll find Dan
as the definition... The whole bar was in was laughing to the point
of tears... And the old coot had this big grin on his face...
He was serious, but could still laugh in the face of adversity...
 
He's my idol... I hope I live long enough...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 13 Oct 1998 14:05:51 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: 20 reasons why CHOCOLATE is better than SEX
         [adult innuendo]
 
 1. You can GET chocolate
 2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning
 3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft
 4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving
 5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to
 6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother
 7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind
 8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being
    called nasty names
 9. The work "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during
    working hours without upsetting     your co-workers
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your
    face slapped
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month
16. Good chocolate is easy to find
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 13 Oct 1998 14:46:31 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Humorous Info:  The Aw Schucks Dept.
 
Hey, remember them great Darwin Awards?  You know, the ones given
for taking oneself "out of the genepool?"  Remember the one about
the clearly inferior inDUHvidual who bolted a JATO unit to his car
and then became one with a mountain?  What an idiot, what a great
story.  Too bad it ain't so!
 
Ticked off after receiving her umpteenth copy of a recent Bill
Gates/Disney email chain letter, this awesome librarian-type chick
I know {I mean she lifts weights} started to search the web for a
source to debunk a lot of the junk which infests the web.  She came
up with:
 
http://snopes.simplenet.com/spoons/faxlore/faxlore.htm#faxlore
 
That location also has links to higher level pages.
 
I, for one, am relieved to find out that the JATO jerk is a myth,
but I am disappointed to find out that they aren't drinking
hydrogen-laced beer in Japanese bars so that they can exhale
flames:
 
A few sips of hydrogen beer enables Japanese karaoke nuts not only
to sing soprano parts, but to also shoot blue flames out of their
mouths at dramatic moments.
 
So, visit the web site at your own risk!  You may learn that Mr. Ed
_really_ wasn't a horse!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 13 Oct 1998 19:22:11 EDT
From:    J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Breast Milk/Nice Breasts <adult>
 
     (Figured I'd go with a BREAST THEME today)
 
A question had appeared in an examination which read,  "Give four
uses of breast milk?"  A student began to answer the question.

     1. No need to boil.
     2. Cats can't steal them.
     3. Available whenever necessary.
 
But the fourth point eluded him.  When there were barely a couple
of minutes for the exam to close the much required fourth point
flashed to his mind. So he completed the answer by writing:
     4. Available in attractive containers.
                       **********
 
A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his
buddy's wife answers.
 
"Hi is Tony home?"
"No he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."
 
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the
greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if
I could just see one."
 
Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a
hundred bucks.
 
She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws
100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris
says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll
give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them
together."
 
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and
gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another
100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony
and he leaves.
 
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your
weird friend Chris came over."
 
Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well... did he drop
off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 13 Oct 1998 18:14:57 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Rental Cars (Puns)
 
I was in a strange new city, and I needed wheels. I wanted to rent
something from one of the larger chains, but my discretionary
budget made their prices look like the national debt. The chance
that I'd be be driving off in one of those shiny new cars was a
real rara avis.
 
I had to settle for one of the lower-class agencies. As I left the
lot in my rent-a-wreck, the clerk tried to salve my injured pride.
"Just remember," he said, "It only hertz for a little while."
 
          -By Steven Schlimgen
                         - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Some of the older patrons may recall when Hertz had a television
commercial that showed a man flying along, apparently seated on
thin air, above a convertible, and descending into the drivers
seat. Their slogan was, of course, 'Let Hertz put you in the
drivers seat'.
 
This was a bit of an accomplishment in that day and age, since
computers and modern FX were yet to be commonplace. They
accomplished this by placing the actor on a long boom that extended
back from the camera truck (which was also towing the car involved)
and a set of mirrors was used to reflect the (moving) background
into the lens in order to hide the boom in the final film.

Of course there were numerous takes required to adjust the
mirrors, and to get used to lowering the actor into the seat
properly. After about the fourth missed landing, he commented 'I
don't care about being in the driver's seat, but when you land on
the gearshift, it Hertz!'
 
               -By Liquor

------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 13 Oct 1998 19:34:38 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Urban hoaxes rant
 
Today was the last straw. I got another copy of the "Disney is
going to give 13,000 people a free vacation if this message annoys
at least 10% of the Internet population" Spam. I don't know how
these things get started, but I've decided to start my own, and I'm
counting on all of you to help pass it on.
 
You won't get a free copy of Windows98 for doing so, but if enough
copies of the message get out, I will consider NOT killing the last
person who sent me the Disney Spam. Yes, Bernard's life is in your
hands! He was trying to be ironic, but he forced me to read it
again anyway, and no God Will Call Bernard Home if this message
doesn't reach exactly 8,993 people. Here it goes.
 
                          Sincerely, Erynn LeRoy
 
The Email Facts Of Life

 1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter.
    Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not
    giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company
    issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no
    need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore,
    just because someone said in the message, four generation
    back, that "we checked it out and it's legit", does not
    actually make it true.
 
 2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is
    waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a
    friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are
    hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please
    see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm
 
    And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly
    issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come
    forward and tell their stories.  None have." That's "none" as
    in "zero". Not even your friend's cousin.
 
 3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And
    even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you
    can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html
    Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that
    awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on - sans the Neiman
    Marcus story.
 
 4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy.
 
 5. We all know how many usenet posters it takes to change a
    light bulb.
 
 6. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain
    plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard,
    do you REALLY think this information would reach the public
    via an AOL chain-letter?
 
 7. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never,
    ever, ever forward any Email containing any virus warning
    unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actual
    company that actually deals with virii. Try www.norton.com
    And even then, don't forward it. We don't care.
 
 8. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content
    of your message, you're probably going to cyberHell.
 
 9. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write Email,
    turn off the "HTML encoding." Those of us on UNIX shells
    can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment
    and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably
    forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.
 
10. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation
    message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the
    eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it
    over the last 6 months. But even then, you I'LL be putting
    Bernard's life at stake. Don't say you weren't warned.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 13 Oct 1998 21:46:48 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Age of Innocence
 
While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display
in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye.  "Do you think
Daddy would like this?"  I asked the kids, as I pointed to a lacy
teddy with matching robe.
 
"No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied.  "Daddy would
NEVER wear THAT!"
 
          -Lisa Whicker
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Oct 1998 to 14 Oct 1998
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