HUMOR Digest - 12 Oct 1998 to 13 Oct 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 387 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Anomalism Abounds
  2. Italian roots <clean-ish>
  3. Alphabet Soup (silly humor)
  4. Interfaith Meeting <offensive to Mormons>
  5. Union Rules
  6. Extortion - Good For The Soul <adult, off. to catholics>
  7. Assorted Puns
  8. Sorority Girls - Part 1/3 <adult>
 
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Date:    Mon, 12 Oct 1998 03:37:04 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Anomalism Abounds
 
* Strange how people who don't even know their neighbors, are
  extremely curious to know if there's extra-terrestrial life.
                           - - - - -
 
* The law of gravity is not as steadfast as you might think.
  A woman's skirt creeps down, while a man's shirt creeps up.
                           - - - - -
 
* If the world is truly getting "smaller", how come the US Postal
  rates keep going up ?
                           - - - - -
 
* All politicians claim they know what it was like to be poor.
  OK, fine, but why do they insist on the rest of us learning too.
                           - - - - -
 
* In the US there are several ways to become rich: inherit a lot
  of money, invent/develop, win the lottery or sue somebody.
                           - - - - -
 
* I'm not sure if I'd like to live in Japan or not. From what I
  hear, the voters all cast their ballots on "Erection Day".
                           - - - - -
 
* The Yuppie couple, disappointed in the lack of grandiosity in
  their son, starting seeing another boy.
                           - - - - -
 
* In the US, it takes more brainpower to fill out the income tax
  forms than it does to earn the income in the first place.
                           - - - - -
 
* Hospitals still have private and semi-private accommodations.
  If you have an HMO though, semi-private means two to a bed.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Mon, 12 Oct 1998 12:44:57 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Italian roots <clean-ish>
 
     (Forwarded by Steve Saviello)
 
You know you are addicted to your Italian roots when...
 
* You pay the paperboy with LIRA
 
* You answer your neighbors by grunting and saying,
  "No speaka Engleesh!"
 
* You tell people that Raffaele, Michelangelo and Donatello
  of Ninja Turtle fame are your first cousins.
 
* You start calling your wife Gina and tell her you'll be
  happy to pay for breast enlargements.
 
* You carry Italian road maps in your glove compartment
 
* You can recite the name of every province in Italy in 2
  minutes (and you can spell them in 4 minutes).
 
* You get arrested at the Mall after the police don't accept
  your explanation that Italians are overcome by a natural
  urge to pinch buttocks after 22 women identity you
 
* You leave work at 10 AM because it's quitting time in Rome.
 
* You call WPIX-TV  in NYC to ask why the Yankee announcers
  ARE speaking English
 
* You spray paint over the chrome "Buick" emblem on
  your automobile and write "FIAT" in 12 inch letters
 
* You are arrested for fighting after punching a fellow
  Italian who told you that in WWII he stopped an advancing
  Italian tank by shooting the Italian pushing it.
 
* You are fined for adding the word "Via" to 51 streets signs in
  your neighborhood
 
* You write to Rome to complain about proposed state
  tax legislation in Iowa.
 
* The priest asks you to find another church after you
  pass out 500 bumper stickers during mass which read,
  "Italians Make Better Lovers"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 12 Oct 1998 07:42:41 -0500
From:    Ken Hansen <khansen@HOWMET.COM>
Subject: Alphabet Soup (silly humor)
  
     Alphabet Soup
     By Ken Hansen
 
Ok, this is what happens when your brain has I.D.D. (Idiotic
Derangement Disorder).  You just get this silly urge to compose
sentences that are grammatically correct, starting each word with
the same letter of the alphabet.  One sentence, of course for each
letter was mandatory.
 
I have this disease.
It is incurable.  See below:
 
 
     Ants and aardvarks are allowing alien attacks.
     Be brave, bend bricks by blending beanstalks.
     Can Christopher crash cars correctly?
     Does disinfectant do damage directly?
     Every early entry ensures enterprise.
     Fine food from Finland feels funny.
     Good God, George got granulated!
     How has Harry held his hairy hatchling?
     I instigated intelligent interruptions.
     Jumping jellybeans, John's junk jingles!!
     Klingon, keep kicking Ku Klux Klansmen!
     Live long, laugh loudly, lounge laboriously.
     My mom makes many more military meals.
     Now now, no nitwits need newspapers.
     Oh Ollie, observe our obstinate offspring!
     Peter Piper peeled porous pepperoni packages.
     Quit quipping quotable quips quarterly.
     Remarkable rangers read red roadmaps.
     Stan sings selfish songs, still stinks, same suit.
     The tongs thrash their teeth to tell Tim tales.
     Underneath Utah, underwater uncles undulate unrealistically.
     Vivian verifies vertical venting very viciously.
     Why would William want warts while whistling?
     Xavier x-rays xenophobic xylophones.
     Yes, yodel yearly, yelling "yahoo," you yellow-bellied yowler!
     Zorro's zepplin zooms, zanily zonking zwiebacks.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 12 Oct 1998 08:48:23 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Interfaith Meeting <offensive to Mormons>
 
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar
following an interfaith meeting.
 
The Jew, bragging on his virility said, "I Have four sons. One more
and I'll have a basketball team."
 
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's
nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football
team."
 
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have
17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 12 Oct 1998 12:05:03 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Union Rules
 
As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was suprised
to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room
repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."  The foreman gives
him a stern talking to as the other men watch and orders him back
to work.
 
During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is
hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to.
Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot. To
his surprise every worker in the room begins packing up their tools
and leaving.
 
He stops one worker and says, "Why are all of you leaving?"
 
To which the reply is "You don'texpect us to work without light do
you?"
 
 
http://www.FindMail.com/list/dailyhumor/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 12 Oct 1998 11:50:19 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Extortion - Good For The Soul <adult, off. to catholics>
 
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over,
she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.  One day the woman
hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as
well.
 
Inside the closet, the little boy says:
"It's dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do wanna buy a baseball," the little extortionist
    continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he
    is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies
    to protect his hidden position.
 
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she
hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the
closet with her little boy.
 
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging
   his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
 
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get
your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to
   hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the
    church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for
   forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
 
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws
the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
 
"Don't you start that shit in here now!" says the priest.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 12 Oct 1998 18:52:46 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Assorted Puns
 
Misdemeanor
 
A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to
his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the
other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing,
and arrested when he replied... "Impersonating an office, sir!"
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Bible Story
 
A ten -year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was
becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she
floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother
of Jesus... the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Our Country
 
   The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia
page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American
flag and asked, "What flag is this?"
   A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."
   "Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our
country?"
   The girl said confidently, 'Tis of thee."
                    - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
British Humor
 
   "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
   I said "Sure... you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'"
 
   "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said...
'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
 
          -Both By Tommy Cooper
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 13 Oct 1998 09:37:09 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Sorority Girls - Part 1/3 <adult>
 
Q: What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make
   her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
 
Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and
   a bowling ball?
A: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
   You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
   You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
 
Q: How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them,
   and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more.
 
Q: What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ?
A: Sorority girls cost less per score.
 
Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs.
Q: How do you equalize the two?
A: Feed the elephant.
 
Q: What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
A: Introduce herself.
   Walks home.
 
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
A: Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
 
Q: How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file.
 
Q: What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
A: "Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."
 
Q: What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
A: Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
 
Q: Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
A: 'Cause everyone gets a turn.
 
Q: How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
A: Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door
   and throw a twinkie on the bed.
 
Q: Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
A: You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
 
 
   A sorority girl was hitch-hiking along an empty desert highway.
After five or six cars had passed her without even slowing down,
she decided she really wanted out of there.  She decided the
quickest way to get someone's gang.
   The gang spotted her, and acted quickly.  They drug her off into
a side canyon and gang-dressed her.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Oct 1998 to 13 Oct 1998
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