HUMOR Digest - 11 Oct 1998 to 12 Oct 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 466 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Say What ?
  2. Caught Cheating
  3. Barbie Turns 40
  4. Forward (2 of 2): Re: Some handy tips for Catweasel
  5. The Time
  6. Baby's Birth/World Series Leper <gross>
  7. The Monsoon (Pun)
  8. Are You Obsessed? <adult>
 
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Date:    Sun, 11 Oct 1998 03:22:09 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Say What ?
 
Administrative Note:
The article posted to the UGA Humor List on October 8th titled
"The Conversation" (Roger and Elaine) was originally written by
Dave Barry, a columnist for the Miami Herald.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
* While the melody is pretty good, I can't quite understand the
  basis for the latest Country Music hit here in Maryland:
  "I Can't Remember the Name of the Girl I'm Trying to Forget"
                           - - - - -
 
*   Away for a seminar once in New Jersey, I ordered the breakfast
  special at the hotel where I was staying.  The waitress brought
  it and asked if there would be anything else.  Flirting a little,
  I replied, "Just some kind words for a man far away from home."
    She leaned over, put her hand on my shoulder, and whispered in
  my ear, "Don't eat the breakfast special."
                           - - - - -
 
*   The vain lil' Yuppette was talking with a plastic surgeon
  concerning her upcoming operation. "I'd like to be the most
  beautiful woman in Columbia." she said.
    "I see." replied the surgeon. "Do you want me to change
  your face completely ?"
    "Oh NO!" she said, repulsed. "I want everyone to know who
  it is that's now so beautiful."
                           - - - - -
 
*   To me, there's nothing better for dinner than a big, juicy
  steak. I had such a steak at a restaurant recently in Columbia.
  Returning the following week, I was disappointed to receive a
  steak more suited for the kiddy menu.  I signaled the waiter
  and when he came over I said, "Last week when I was here, I
  got a steak fit for a King, and now look at this puny thang."
    He replied, "Yes, I know.  But last week you were seated by
  the window looking out onto the Mall."
                           - - - - -
 
*   Recently when Mrs JimJr and I were babysitting our daughter's
  three, they all wanted to watch a movie on cable about ancient
  Rome.  During a scene where Christians were being thrown to the
  lions, Sandy's youngest, Libby, grabbed my arm & started crying.
    Fearing it was too violent a scene, I assured her that the
  people were actors and it was only a movie.
    She managed to say between sobs, "But that lil' lion in the
  corner isn't getting any Christians to eat at all !!!"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 11 Oct 1998 08:50:13 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Caught Cheating
 
A Jewish boy was sent to a Catholic school by his folks. Of course,
he had no idea of who Jesus, Joseph, or Mary were, and on the first
day of school, he got punished by the teacher for not knowing such
basic things.
 
Hearing upon his story, his mother soothed him, and said, "Don't
worry, son. I'll sew the answers to those questions on your collar,
and every time your teacher asks you a question, all you have to do
is to peek at your collar."
 
And so she sewed the answers on her son's collar.
 
The following day, the teacher came up to him, and asked him,
"Who is the Holy Virgin?"
 
The boy peeked at his collar and replied, "Mary."
 
The teacher seemed a little bit surprised, but continued on. "And
who is her husband?" After another peek at the collar, he replied,
"Joseph."
 
"Why, very good son," the teacher commented.
 
"And for the last one," said the teacher. "Who is their son?"
 
The boy peeked again at his collar and replied confidently,
"Arrow!!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 11 Oct 1998 10:01:26 -0700
From:    Randall Woodman <rwoodman@HOME.COM>
Subject: Barbie Turns 40
 
     Sent From: Griff Evans <griff@airdiscounters.com>
 
                    As Barbie Turns Forty
                      =================
 
Possibilities Abound as Barbie Turns 40:
 
Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just
in time to greet the new century. And they've been 40 full, rich
years. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was
introduced at Toy Fair in 1959. She soared into space as an
astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and, in 1997, she
bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a
wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified
market.
 
In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly
turned out,with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips.
She's Everywoman, she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what
will Mattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of
Barbie turning 40?
 
Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible?
Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie:
  
Bifocals Barbie:
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild
colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of
Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
 
Hot Flash Barbie:
Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while
tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held
fan and tiny tissues.
 
Facial Hair Barbie:
As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available
with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
 
Cook's Arms Barbie:
Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns.
Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite
cream and loofah sponge optional.
 
Bunion Barbie:
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken
their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with
this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
Colors: pink, rose, blush.
 
No More Wrinkles Barbie:
Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin
Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting
cosmetics.
 
Soccer Mom Barbie:
All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as
Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs
and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler
filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
 
Midlife Crisis Barbie:
It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her
personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with
Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the
Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up
Is Hard to Do."
 
Single Mother Barbie:
There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with
the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town
with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling
off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete
garage sale kit included.
 
Recovery Barbie:
Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party
girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps!  Clean and
sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little
copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
 
Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From
Dream House to Nursing Home, the possibilities and accessories
are endless.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 11 Oct 1998 22:25:27 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Forward (2 of 2): Re: Some handy tips for Catweasel
 
        Food Spoilage Test (Part 2)
         -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 
What REALLY happens to food in my kitchen (with some of the more
unsavory details omitted out of a sense of decency.)
 
THE GAG TEST
My kitchen makes me gag.
 
EGGS
Eggs around here get broken into.  With TOOLS.
 
DAIRY PRODUCTS
I have to hide milk so I can sneak it past the kitchen.
 
MAYONNAISE
I once put a jar of mayo in the fridge.  Five minutes later
I heard a loud belch.
 
FROZEN FOODS
Anyone know how I can get the freezer down to absolute zero?
Maybe then it'll stop looking at me in that hungry way.
 
EXPIRATION DATES
I asked if there was any expired food in the fridge.  The door
opened slightly and a pseudopod handed me an empty yoghurt carton.
It had yesterday's date on it, and the lid was still sealed.
 
MEAT
What does it mean when all the animals run away when the fridge
opens?
 
BREAD
Gods, I wouldn't dare put bread in there.  The denizens would set
up culture factories.
 
FLOUR
I suppose when the packet jumps off the shelf and starts crawling
across the floor it's a little old.
 
SALT
Salt disappears.  I shudder to think what is being done with it.
 
CEREAL
I once watched some cornflakes crossing the kitchen in single file.
I thought I had ants.  I picked up a flake and realised that the
legs were part of the flake.  Suddenly I felt a tap on my foot.  I
looked down to see the rest of the flakes had circled me, and were
closing in.
 
LETTUCE
The lettuce it my fridge is definitely fresh.  It propositioned me.
 
CANNED GOODS
In one of my cupboards is something which eats tins.  Leaves the
contents in a bowl for the rest of them.
 
CARROTS
One thing I can always be sure of is fresh carrots.  They must like
carrots in there; they've set up a complete hydroponics system to
ensure a regular supply.
 
RAISINS
Raisins should also not look plump and juicy.
 
POTATOES
I suppose the 15 foot roots emerging through the outside wall and
straining towards ground mean my spuds have been around a while.
 
CHIP DIP
After the mayonnaise incident I don't put dips in my fridge.
 
EMPTY CONTAINERS
The fridge ejects the empty containers and I am expected to refill
them.
 
UNMARKED ITEMS:
If ever I want something identified I throw it into the kitchen and
wait. I can generally tell what it was by how long it lasted and
what finally got it.
 
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Keep your thumb well clear.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 11 Oct 1998 16:26:48 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Time
 
In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
  
In England they say:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?
 
In France they say:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
 
In Poland they say:
It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"
  
  
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 11 Oct 1998 17:54:48 EDT
From:    J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Baby's Birth/World Series Leper <gross>
 
   An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a
baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity.  When the doctor
arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her
5-year-old child.
   The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he
could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
   The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while,
the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on
the bottom to get him to take his first breath.  The doctor then
asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
   "Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled
up there in the first place!"
                        **********
 
   A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series.  But
when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of
him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about
grossing out the other fans.
   The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where
his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else.  Finally he
finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game.  He
asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit
there.
   The man answers, "Yeah.  Just sit down, shut up, and watch the
game."
   The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy.
If it disturbs you, I will move."
   "It doesn't bother me.  Just shut up, and watch the game."
   A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly
vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered
everywhere.
   Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing
me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused
you to get sick.  I will find another place to sit."
   "It's NOT you.  Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
   So the leper sits back down.  But during the sixth inning, the
man begins to vomit again.  This time it is projectile vomitus.
A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's
mouth and nose until is stomach is completely emptied.
   Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing
me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused
you to get sick.  I will find another place to sit."
   "Really, it's NOT you.  Just sit down, shut up, and watch the
game."
   So the leper sits back down.  But during the seventh inning, the
man begins to vomit again.  This time it is the dry heaves.  The
leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering.
And once again, the leper offers to leave.
   But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."
   So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so
sick, that what is it?"
   "It's that guy behind you.  He keeps dipping his nachos in your
back."

 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 11 Oct 1998 15:12:55 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Monsoon (Pun)
 
   Captain Horatio Hornblower has to rank among the most heroic
of naval leaders. Many books have been written describing his
adventures in the most minute detail
   My favorite Hornblower story took place early in his career,
shortly after his appointment as the ship s commander. He was
traveling in the North Indian Ocean waters when suddenly a monsoon
developed.  For those of you who do not know what a monsoon is, it
could have been a hurricane but it developed in the wrong place.
   Well anyway his crew was working diligently to keep their ship
afloat when with a sudden gust of wind, one of the sailors was
swept overboard.
   Horatio immediately took after him in a lifeboat with eight of
his crew. To their horror before they could reach the struggling
crew member, he was swallowed by a gigantic white whale
   Hornblower immediately instructed his crew to row to the whale
and when they reached he ordered each of them to start hitting the
whale with their oars.
   After several minutes of pounding on the whale's side, there was
a sudden retching sound, and the sailor came flying out of the
whale's mouth. The crew was able to reach him and bring him aboard
the lifeboat, weak but still alive.
   After they had returned to the ship with everyone praising
Hornblower for his rapid action, he was asked how he had thought of
pounding on the whale's side to make him vomit.
   Horatio answered that his decision should be obvious to any
brave seaman.
   The only way to get the whale to release the sailor was...
to beat the tar out of him.
 
     -By Stan Kegel
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 12 Oct 1998 09:50:27 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Are You Obsessed? <adult>
 
   A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I
have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and
begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a
square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says,
   "OMIGOSH!! Four people having sex!!!!".
   Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and
says, "One man having sex."
   Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the
patient identifies as, "two woman and one man having sex".
   The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient,
"Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex."
   To which the man replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the one drawing all
the dirty pictures!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Oct 1998 to 12 Oct 1998
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