There are 12 messages totalling 596 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Mrs JimJr: the Anti-Chef
  2. Viagra and a lawyer (adult theme)
  3. Good, Bad, and Ugly
  4. School Discipline -may offend Catholics and Jews-
  5. Incredulous comments and questions about contemporary life
  6. Forward (1 of 2): Some handy tips for Catweasel
  7. Quote of the week.
  8. The Wager
  9. PUNY Riddles
 10. Humor - It's A Wacky World!  #56
 11. In The News - Humorous News Quips
 12. Washington national
 
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Date:    Sat, 10 Oct 1998 03:18:46 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Mrs JimJr: the Anti-Chef
 
Every time I do a joke on Mrs JimJr's "cooking" (if y'all
will pardon the expression) I get a ton of mail accusing
me of gross exaggeration.  OK... consider these facts:
 
 
* Granted, Mrs JimJr is not the best cook in Glenelg,
  But we're the only family I know with Mylanta on tap.
                        - - - - -
 
* Her idea of a "cold boiled ham" is
  a ham boiled in cold water.
                        - - - - -
 
* She once tried to make a sponge cake,
  but claimed the sponges kept soaking up all the icing.
                        - - - - -
 
* Now I'm now saying that she makes heavy pancakes,
  but we have the only bow-legged stove in Glenelg.
                        - - - - -
 
* When she first got her microwave, I thought our meals would
  be a lot quicker.  She insists however on letting the thing
  pre-heat first.
                        - - - - -
 
* Last nite I complained of having beef stew again for dinner.
  Mrs JimJr became highly irate and wanted to know why I hadn't
  said anything on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.
                        - - - - -
 
* I asked once why I couldn't have a "surprise" for dinner. She
  complied by soaking off all the labels on the cans and frozen
  food packages.
                        - - - - -
 
* I sat down the other evening to a meal obviously burnt. Mrs
  JimJr said, "Now before you go and get all upset, this wasn't
  my fault at all.  They had a fire at the carry-out."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
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     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 10 Oct 1998 06:14:14 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Viagra and a lawyer (adult theme)
 
        Q. What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
        A. He stands taller and straighter.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 10 Oct 1998 08:56:21 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Good, Bad, and Ugly
 
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
 
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
 
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
 
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
 
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
 
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
 
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 10 Oct 1998 11:00:58 -0400
From:    Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: School Discipline -may offend Catholics and Jews-
 
A little boy was going to Yeshiva (a private school for Jewish
(students) and was doing terribly in math.  His parents were upset
and decided that sending him to a Catholic school might give their
son some discipline.
 
On his first report card from the Catholic school, the boy had
straight A's in math.  His father asked how come he was terrible
in math at the Yeshiva but seems to excel at the Catholic school.
 
The boy said, "My first day in class I saw that the had someone
nailed to a "plus" sign so I figured they were serious."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 10 Oct 1998 11:09:46 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Incredulous comments and questions about contemporary life
 
Why don't police cars have a bumper sticker that says,
"How's my driving?"
 
Thanks to Clinton appointees, peanut butter is now a controlled
substance.
 
Congress has now tabled the minium wage bill and campaign finance
reform. Did anyone notice?
 
Do you think they'll ever have an award show for the best award
shows?
 
He who espouses family values shouldn't have ex-spouses.
 
My son told me that he's only attending until it becomes available
on CD-ROM.
 
When peanut butter is outlawed, only outlaws will have peanut
butter.
 
Very few men would turn down discreet extramarital sex. It's just
that most get now offers, which is all that saves them.
 
When did the Seventh Commandment get changed from thou shalt not
commit adultery to thou shalt not ADMIT adultery?
 
Anyone who was a teenager in the 50s and 60s knows the difference
between doing it and all that other stuff. If an activity couldn't
produce a baby, it didn't count.
 
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but
there's never any gum under any of them.
 
Planet Limbaugh rotates backwards in an unchanging orbit and its
dense mass creates a gravitational field so strong that light and
prejudice cannot escape. No intelligent life is known to survive
there.
 
If the next governor would only take control of Georgia's military
bases, we could whup Alabama and Florida, keep our water and take
theirs too.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 10 Oct 1998 18:45:40 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Forward (1 of 2): Some handy tips for Catweasel
 
The following was posted by One Louder in response to a graphic
description of the denizens of my kitchen.
 
 
     Food Spoilage Test
     =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
 
FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!
 
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from
what you cooked for yourself last night).
 
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.
 
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is
spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese
is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular
cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more
spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you
think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased
that kind.
 
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is
spoiled.
 
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled -
(or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen
knife.
 
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away
perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps
you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
 
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.
 
BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.
Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good
indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
laboratory experiment.
 
FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
 
SALT
It never spoils.
 
CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be
discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration
date.
 
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it
turns liquid.
 
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball
should be disposed of. Carefully.
 
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
 
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
 
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.
 
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor,
it has gone bad.
 
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old
trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
 
UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the
Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware
containers should not burp when you open them.
 
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge
this.
 
Mustgo, n.:  Any item of food that has been sitting in the
refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 10 Oct 1998 14:02:02 -0400
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Quote of the week.
 
House majority leader Richard Armey (R-TEX) was asked what he would
be doing if he was in Bill Clinton's shoes. His reply?
 
"I would be looking up from a pool of blood, hearing my wife ask:
How do you reload this thing?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 10 Oct 1998 13:27:37 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Wager
 
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of
Perpetual Motion parochial school in a VERY advanced state of
agitation.
 
"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"
 
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?"
 
"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to
the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
 
 "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
 
 "But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun,"
it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to
see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
 
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you
do?"
 
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."
 
To which the priest replied...
 
  "How much did you win?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 10 Oct 1998 12:20:34 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles
 
23. What might be a young person's parting words to his host as
he pays for his lowcost overnight accomodations with a credit
card?
 
24. What was the outcome when a lawyer sued because he tore his
clothes when he slipped on a banana skin?
 
25. Where did Timothy Leary go to buy kosher sandwiches? 9-23-98
 
26. What dizzy silver chalice gets passed around every year after
several rounds of spinning, twisting and kicking?
 
27. What famous operatic tenor invented the sugar pill?
 
28. Why is the dazzling, charming, extremely personable woman
very much like the hooker working the late shift at the local
whorehouse?
               =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
                    ANSWERS
 
23. Hostel a Visa
 
24. He lost the suit on appeal
 
25. The Psychedelicatessen
 
26. The Whirrled Cup
 
27.  Placebo Domingo
 
28. They both sin too late (scintillate)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 10 Oct 1998 16:21:13 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World!  #56
 
             Nobel prize spoof honors offbeat inventors.
 
CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts (AP) -- After years of toiling in vain,
inventor Troy Hurtubise can finally celebrate -- sort of.
 
The 33-year-old from Ontario, Canada, has spent years developing
and personally testing -- a suit of armor impervious to grizzly
bears. The suit is, well, not quite ready yet.
 
That hasn't kept Hurtubise from being rewarded for his
contributions to "safety engineering."
 
He has won the "Ig Nobel," a Harvard-based spoof award handed out
to people whose achievements "cannot or should not be reproduced."
 
"He's a classic inventor," said Marc Abrahams, editor of the
tongue-in-cheek Annals of Improbable Research, the Cambridge-based
journal that assists in bestowing the awards. "He gets this idea
and he really sticks with it."
 
Nine others were being feted in celebrations Thursday and Friday.
Among them are the British doctors who published a medical journal
paper titled
"A Man Who Pricked His Finger and Smelled Putrid for Five Years."
That won for medicine.
 
 
                    Dubious achievements
 
Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to
the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist
stumbled onto the fact that mollusks reproduce at 10 times their
normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.
 
Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of
fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the
antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing
madly.
 
"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous
at the same time," Abrahams said.
 
A committee of about 15 anonymous people perused hundreds of
nominations for this, the Eighth First Annual -- you read that
right -- award. Real Nobel laureates participate too, handing out
the prizes.
 
Some of the awards are given to scientists, like Fong, who did
research that was bona fide, if a tad strange. Then there are
winners like Dolores Krieger, whose work is the subject of some
mockery.  Krieger's research on the power of therapeutic touch was
debunked by 11-year-old Emily Rosa in a study published last spring
in the Journal of the American Medical Association.
 
Krieger couldn't be reached by the folks at the Harvard journal to
claim her prize. Instead, Emily was in Cambridge to accept it on
her behalf.
 
 
                Other recipients this year include:
 
* The Ig Nobel Peace Prize: Indian Prime Minister Atal Bihari
Vajpayee and Pakistani Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif for "their
aggressively peaceful explosions of atomic bombs."
 
* For chemistry: Jacques Benveniste of Clamart, France, for his
discovery that water has memory and that the information can be
transmitted over telephone lines and the Internet.
 
* For physics: Wellness and spirituality guru Deepak Chopra for his
interpretation of quantum physics "as it applies to life, liberty
and the pursuit of economic happiness."
 
 
 Copyright 1998   The Associated Press.
 All rights reserved.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 10 Oct 1998 20:22:45 -0700
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
 
WARNING: Includes sexual references. May be offensive to American
politicians, airline baggage handlers, stupid people, Michael
Jackson, procrastinators.
 
This just in: September 9 was National Procrastination Day.
 
And now, for an update on the Commander In Heat (Leno):
 
In a historic move, the Starr report was released on the internet.
Boy, I bet Clinton is rethinking his goal of putting a computer in
every classroom.  (Leno)
 
Siskel and Ebert gave Clinton's video taped testimony two cigars
up!
 
President Clinton has been meeting with a minister once a week to
help him with temptation... the only problem is, she's a really hot
minister.   (O'Brien)
 
A four cassette audio collection of the Starr report may soon be
available. It will be read by various well known people - Bob
Packwood, Clarence Thomas, Ted Kennedy...
 
Newt Gingrich called President Clinton a misogynist and a womanizer
who just uses women and then moves on to the next. The speaker's
current - and second wife - was not available for comment.
 
Clinton said there are a lot of important issues that Congress
should be focusing on, like making sure people don't lose their
health care coverage when they lose their job, no matter who the
person is, even if he is, say, president of the United States.
(Leno)
 
Investigators working for congressional Republicans are
recommending further charges against President Clinton for things
Starr overlooked. Good thinking. *Someone* should go to jail for
killing Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson.
 
In other news:
 
Congress is back at work after their summer vacation. They work for
a month before wrapping up for the year. No wonder they can't get
anything done.
 
A teenager is suing Chrysler Corp. after his friends put a hot
french fry down his shirt, causing him to jump in front of his car
and get run over by it. He can't win. Written in plain english on
the front of the car is "Dodge".
 
The LA City Council voted to virtually eliminate all outdoor
advertising for tobacco products. Oddly, outdoors is the only place
people are permitted to smoke anymore.
 
Recently revealed statistics indicate that Hyundai, Kia and Yugo
drivers are involved in the fewest accidents. Some of the reasons
are, they tend to drive slower, and the car is usually in the shop.
 
Art experts at the Louvre want to clean the Mona Lisa. They say
she's so dirty, they're thinking of changing her name to the Monica
Lisa.
 
In Arizona, a fence contractor accidentally put barbed wire around
a high school instead of a chain link fence. It was an
understandable mistake - he was from L.A.
 
Michael Jackson recently celebrated his 40th birthday. He doesn't
look 40. After all, his nose is only 12, his lips are just 18 and
his skin will be 10 in December.
 
The FDA approved a prescription morning after pill that can prevent
pregnancy. Prescription? If you thought that far ahead, you
wouldn't need the pill.
 
A small bird flew into the cockpit of a United Airlines plane at
Dulles International, causing a three hour delay for a flight full
of London bound travelers. Oddly, their luggage arrived in Tokyo on
time.
 
A Michigan mathematician spent 10 years and three gigabytes of
computer memory to figure out that the best way to stack fruit in
the grocery store is in a pyramid. My guess is it was a federally
funded study.
 
A California laboratory completed a study showing that duct tape
does not seal ducts well. My guess is it was a federally funded
study.
 
A Virginia woman is donating a kidney to her boss. Would you do
that? Before or after your yearly evaluation?
 
Fisher Price has recalled 54,000 infant car seats to replace a
defective adjusting strap. The strap had a tendency to become loose
whenever the kid asked, "Are we there yet?"
 
WalMart, Kmart and Target say they won't sell Marilyn Manson's new
album. This will save Marilyn Manson fans the embarrassment of
being seen in a Kmart.
 
Break dancing is coming back. You know you're getting old when
something you were too old for the first time around is making a
comeback. (Leno)
 
And finally, Geraldo Rivera has said that Jerry Springer is the
most shameful man in America. Geraldo lost that title when his own
show went off the air.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 10 Oct 1998 20:16:58 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Washington national
 
Naming the Washington Nat'l Airport for Ronald Reagan
is like renaming Atlanta "Shermantown."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Oct 1998 to 11 Oct 1998
************************************************
 
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