HUMOR Digest - 9 Oct 1998 to 10 Oct 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 626 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Blondes in space!!....
  2. Mrs JimJr
  3. A Few Smiles (mature)
  4. Scandal Explained <adult?>
  5. Laughs Today In History
  6. Humor - Weird Business News #8 (3 of 3)
  7. Hunting for a Lawyer <HUMOR>
  8. A Bar Pun: Current Answers
  9. Things which irritare a sane person (as if I'd know about it!)
 10. More venting about Bill, Monica, Ken, & Newt
     (sorry, no Linda stuff)
 11. Two Old Maids <adult>
 12. The Latest Bumper Sticker(Adult)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 9 Oct 1998 08:53:25 +0100
From:    "Vandersijp_kca, Jaap"
         <Jaap.Vandersijp@KCA-DRILLING.CO.UK>
Subject: Blondes in space!!....
 
The NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are
two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blond. When the rocket is outside
the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made:
 
"Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us, over."
   "Oink, oink, here Pig1, read you loud and clear"
"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"
   "Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red
    button to initiate the moon landing, over."
"That's right. Over and out."

They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage.
"Hallo, Pig2, Here Houston, come in please."
   "Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear."
"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"
   "Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave,
    I press on the green button to initiate the launch program."
"That's right. Over and out."

An hour later when the rocket has achieved the correct speed
the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts
the astronauts again.
"Houston here, Kiki, come in, Kiki do you read us?"
   "Kiki here, reading you loud and clear"
"Kiki, do you remeber your instructions?"
   "Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and
    keep my hands off any buttons."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 9 Oct 1998 03:59:33 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Mrs JimJr
 
* Mrs JimJr puts on a dozen creams and oils at nite before bed --
  elbow, shoulder, neck, face, eyelid, rejuvenation, etc. Tell ya
  what, if she ever caught fire, the guys who quenched those
  Kuwaiti wells couldn't cap her.
                             - - - - -
 
* Seems to me though she's using entirely too much of that new
  rejuvenation cream. She called me the other afternoon from her
  Brownie Meeting to say that she'd be late for dinner.
                             - - - - -
 
* I'm sure you've all been involved with a book so good, you just
  couldn't put it down until you were finished.  Mrs JimJr feels
  that way about checkbooks though.
                             - - - - -
 
* I really think that aerobics class Mrs JimJr joined is a waste
  of money though.  She gets all the exercise she needs just by
  putting on her leotard before she leaves.
                             - - - - -
 
* Fall is here in Maryland.  Mrs JimJr always feeds the birds her
  left-over homemade bread and cakes. So... if y'all see any birds
  walking south for the winter...
                             - - - - -
 
* Y'all might recall that I did a bunch of Anniversary jokes to
  mark the occasion of mine and Mrs JimJr's anniversary this year.
  Well, that was for self-protection than anything else, to remind
  me of the event.  I forgot it last year, and the next evening at
  dinner time, Mrs JimJr said, "How about that for a coincidence ?
  You forgot our anniversary, and I forgot how to cook."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 9 Oct 1998 07:20:47 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Few Smiles (mature)
 
   A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in
the desert.  "What are the three most important things you should
bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
   Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested
such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly
raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important
things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
   Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of
cards."
   "Why's that Timmy?"
   "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right
direction, the water is to prevent dehydration."
   "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master
impatiently.
   "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of
that black ten!"
                =================================

 
   Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor.  When he inquired about her
complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He
instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining
table. She did so.... The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to
massage her "private parts." After a couple of minutes he asked,
"How does that feel?"
    "Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from the ear."
                =================================
 
 Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
    southern fairytale?
 
 A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
    fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 9 Oct 1998 08:06:35 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Scandal Explained <adult?>
 
Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner, when at
the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get
a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned
out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President
voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that
this was the best they could do at such short notice.
 
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking
his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to
the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this
man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but
the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and
by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach
cramps and nausea.
 
It was getting worse and worse, until finally he had to excuse
himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing
through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon,
scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse.
By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was
so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to
the bathroom.
 
He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he
finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers
and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into
Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
 
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and
heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice,
"Sack my cook."
 
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
            ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
 
            Democrats Push for a Clinton "Time-Out"
             -----------------------------------
   In an attempt to find a positive and constructive way to punish
the President, Democrats today proposed that Clinton be given a 10
minute "time-out."
   Said one Democratic congresswoman, "Impeachment is the political
equivalent of a spanking. We all know that spanking is inhumane and
abusive. We cannot allow the President to be subjected to a
spanking because it would do irreversible damage to his self-
esteem. Therefore, we are proposing that the President be given a
10 minute "time-out" instead of impeachment."
   Although the White House agreed with Democratic congressional
leaders that a "time-out" would be a more loving and caring form of
punishment, they disagreed with how long the "time-out" should be.
   One White House source told BNN that Clinton would not agree to
any "time-out" that was longer than 5 minutes.
                           -- Bogus News Network
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 9 Oct 1998 10:58:51 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Laughs Today In History
 
Saturday, October 10
 
Today is Physical Education Day in Japan, culminating tonight with
aerobicking in the streets and the famous Breakdance of the Sumo
Wrestlers. So don't be alarmed if the Earth tilts a little.
 
On this day in 1975 Elizabeth Taylor married Richard Burton. Liz
has thrown so many bouquets, she's a candidate for rotator-cuff
surgery.
 
On this date in 1992 HBO paid Michael Jackson $20-million to
telecast his "Dangerous" concert from Bucharest. Michael was so
thrilled, he ran right out and bought his giraffe a gold necklace.
And his monkey a diamond jockstrap.
 
Guiseppe Verdi was born on this day in 1813. He composed the hit
operas "Aida," "Rigoletto," and "La Traviata." Italians loved Verdi
so much they awarded him the coveted Golden Adam's Apple. Which he
always wore around his neck.
 
The first direct-dial long-distance telephone service began on this
date in 1951. For the first time in history you could dial anywhere
in the world, get a wrong number, and have no one to blame but
yourself.
 
Spain's worst bullfighter fought his last bull on this date in
1918. Raphael "El Gallo" Gomez always took longer to dedicate a
bull than other matadors took to kill one. But then, El Gallo never
killed a bull. He'd dedicate it to a local politician and then run.
Which also made El Gallo Spain's smartest bullfighter.
 
 
From "Laughs Today in History" at http://www.flash.net/~comedy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 9 Oct 1998 11:30:21 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #8 (3 of 3)
 
     Copied from Houston Columnist, Jim Barlow:
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
                     Take your antacid.
 
News Flash! Almost one in five Americans (19 percent) say family
reunions are the activity most likely to give them heartburn,
according to a survey just released by the American College of
Gastroenterology.
 
Business travelers beware. Vancouver, British Columbia, police are
using radar guns to clock rollerblade users. Those exceeding 9 mph
will be ticketed. The fine is 75 Canadian dollars or 50 dollars in
what some are known to call "real money." The moral is, when in
Vancouver, if you can't slow down, don't do it in the road.
 
Best Pitch Award to a Florida-based company which floods mail boxes
with Caribbean vacation offers. Trade journal Travel Weekly
reported one went to the Rutherford B. Hayes Presidential Center in
Fremont, Ohio, with the opening line, "Dear Rutherford, we're
excited for you." A spokesman at the center said the former
president, dead 105 years, probably wouldn't take advantage of the
offer since he's "a little lethargic these days." 
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 9 Oct 1998 12:50:22 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Hunting for a Lawyer <HUMOR>
 
                    Hunting Regulations
 
Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00
 
370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting
license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and
sport (non-commercial) purposes.
 
370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted.
The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
 
370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is
prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in
reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle,
the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the
vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
 
370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a
power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
 
370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE
SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
 
370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW,
Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.
 
370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals
or brothels.
 
370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to
have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.
 
370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a
reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax
accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
 
370.10  Bag and Possession Limits per day: Yellow-bellied
sidewinders, 2; Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;  Back-stabbing divorce
litigators, 3; Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; Minutiae-advocating
dirtbags, 4. Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).
 
ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle
unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.
 
     (Origin Unknown)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 9 Oct 1998 09:34:17 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: A Bar Pun: Current Answers
 
This joke was sent to the PUNY and Plentiful Puns, Generous
Groaners mailing lists with a request for additional punch lines.
This is what was received:
 
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the
collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie
to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks
around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one.
He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties
these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable
looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the
restaurant. The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes
and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in, ....
 
    1. just don't start anything."
 
    2. just don t do anything shocking
 
    3. as long as you pay cash. We don t accept charges.
 
    4. I guess so. I checked your tab. And you re current.
 
    5. "just don't try to jump any of the girls."
 
    6. "just keep positive."
 
    7. "No cable... We have a satellite dish..."
 
    8. "I'm not going to server you... obviously you're already
        wired!"
 
    9. "This is a rough crowd... be careful  you don't get jumped!"
 
   10. "You're late... the booster club meeting was yesterday!"
 
   11. The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and
       then says, " What's that supposed to be?"
       Man replies... "This is a power tie."
 
   12. "Fine, just don't be forcibly jumping anybody tonight!"
 
   13. "Fine, just don't be coupling in public, because if you arc,
        other customers might find it to be an electrifying
        experience."
 
   14. I didn't mean to jump on you earlier.
 
   15. The bounser looks him over and asks,  Why aare you wearing
       that cable.  The man answers, I don't want to talk about
       it. I m terminally ill.
 
   16. just don't start anything." If he did, could he be charged
       with battery?
 
   17. just don't do anything shocking or revolting.
 
   18. as long as you pay cash. We don't accept charges.
       At least, not at the current time.
 
   19. but are you facing any battery charges?
 
   20. And he said:  "Are you positive I can enter?"
 
   21. Do you get Cable in here?
 
   22. You're a reVOLTing fellow.
 
   23. Do you have an anti-acid I could take? I'm really drained.
 
   24. I'm surprised that they even let you in the door... There is
       a BIG sign just inside the doorway that reads:  THIS IS A
       DRUG-FREE ESTABLISHMENT  and you, sir, are obviously wired!
 
   25. BOUNCER: I'm sorry, I didn't realize your condition was
                terminal.
           GUY: Oh it's isn't. My tests came back negative.
       BOUNCER: Are you positive?
           GUY: That's what acid.
       BOUNCER: Then I'll have to charge more.
           GUY: Wire you doing that?
       BOUNCER: Your father called and said you were supposed
                to be grounded.
 
   26.     GUY: Hi, Bouncer person, don't mind me just continue on
                your circuit.
       BOUNCER: No, follow my lead.
           GUY: No, I don't find that a very attractive offer!
                Go ahead call the coppers!
       BOUNCER: Does my size not phase you?
           GUY: Hey, what kind of business are you conducting here?
       BOUNCER: I'm not a cunductor, sir; I induct members. Now
                show me the proper cache flow.
           GUY: How am I suppose to produce that kind of currentcy?
       BOUNCER: Are you trying to short me?
           GUY: How about an I Ohm You?
       BOUNCER: Watt is that a choke?
 
   27.   hey... WATTever, dude...
 
          And finally from Gary Hallock
 
   28. So the CABLE guy with the SHOCKING necktie got really WIRED
       and started GOING & GOING & GOING on about what a heart
       BREAKER his TRANSFORMER girlfriend was how he could never
       RESISTOR and how much he liked to JUMPER bones in the
       evenings when she would come INSULATE. WIRE NUTS like this
       allowed to ROMEX large?
       EVEREADY to be done with this tale which failed to ENERGIZER
       but reFUSED to die, CynMac decided to pull the PLUG on this
       REVOLTING creep herself. She picked up the ALKALINE to
       CONTACT the COPPERS. She begged them take the NICAD and put
       him in A CELL.
       The cops told her, "They don't make A-CELLS anymore."
       "Isn't DURACELL you can put him in until he sobers up?" she
       WIND
       "The only DRY CELL we have is the drunk tank." Said the cop
       "It's a DOUBLE A."
       "A/C what you mean. Well that's D-CELL that gets my VOLT
        then." CynMac efFUSED.
       "But A, only if it's not too much TRIPLE! I hope he gets
       STRANDED there forever and dies of some horrible D/Cs," she
       TOWED herself. I imagine that would BOOSTER spirits.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 9 Oct 1998 19:03:43 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Things which irritare a sane person
         (as if I'd know about it!)
 
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little
plastic thing in the middle of them.
 
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the
back of your ankle.
 
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
 
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to
find an address.
 
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
 
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it
till you walk across your living room rug.
 
The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
 
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
 
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
 
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror
and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
 
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a
cigarette.
 
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
 
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a
reading.
 
A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio
but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
 
There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the
tray
 
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire
laundry comes out covered with lint.
 
The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian
finish crossing .
 
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your
filling.
 
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 pm instead of 7 am.
 
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
 
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get
out.
 
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a
counter just opening up .
 
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
 
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary
because you don't know how to spell it.
 
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store
that you're just browsing.
 
You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't
find it.
 
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash
your head on the way up.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 9 Oct 1998 14:10:36 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More venting about Bill, Monica, Ken, & Newt
         (sorry, no Linda stuff)
 
George Washington: "I cannot tell a lie; I chopped down the cherry
                    tree."
Bill Clinton: "Define cherry tree."
 
Wouldn't impeaching Clinton to lying about sex be a little like
imprisoning Al Capone for income tax evasion?
 
Kenneth Starr reminds me of a Charles Dickens character, Uriah
Heep.
 
Where are they taking these Clinton approval polls, at meeting of
Adulterers Anonymous?
 
Wouldn't it be ironic if Monica's dress turned out to be Clinton's
"pink slip?"
 
In reference to the dumbing down of America: I think the new low is
that 60 percent of Americans don't know what lying under oath is.
 
Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I
know it, the whole turth, as I believe it to be, and nothing but
the truth as best as I can recall, so help me God."
 
We all recognize that there are little white lies. Shouldn't we
also recognize that there are little white perjuries, which are,
relatively speaking, harmless?
 
President Clinton's supporters need to realize that just because
one apologizes for repulsive behavior doesn't mean there aren't
consequence for one's actions. It is time America starts holding
its citizens, and Democratic presidents accountable.
 
The glass house repair business must be booming these days.
 
The tragedy of American politics is that even now Slick Willie is a
better choice for president than either of the guys he ran against.
 
When is the Republican Party going to realize that every time it
gets into a public relations battle with Bill Clinton, he is going
to kick its butt? Give it up folks. He is smarter and slicker than
y'all are.
 
Isn't blaming the Clinton scandal on Ken Starr a lot like blaming
World War II on the Nuremberg prosecutors?
 
Didn't anybody videotape Monica's testimony? I would sure like a
copy of that.
 
The Clinton controversy proves that you can beat a dead horse.
 
One reason to be grateful to Richard Nixon: At least when you
visualize the guy, he's fully dressed.
 
Are the Republican planning to impeach both Clinton and Gore
simultaneously? Would that make Kenneth Starr or Newt Gingrich
president?
 
 
Most of these items came from
http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 9 Oct 1998 16:00:28 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Two Old Maids <adult>
 
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night
and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a
virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been
laid!!"
 
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry
about you."
 
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys...
11 o'clock... 12 o'clock...
 
Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs
Gladys... straight to the bathroom.
 
Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"
 
No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her
panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between
her legs looking at herself.
 
"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.
 
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came
out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your
life!!!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 9 Oct 1998 15:32:46 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Latest Bumper Sticker(Adult)
 
     ONE WHORE AWAY FROM GORE!!!
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Oct 1998 to 10 Oct 1998
***********************************************
 
