HUMOR Digest - 8 Oct 1998 to 9 Oct 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 685 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Congress
  2. Rules That Guys Wished Women Knew
  3. Airline Woes
  4. Oriental Cuisine <adult>
  5. Humor - Weird Business News #8 (2 of 3)
  6. The Conversation
  7. The Bat
  8. Fart Problem
  9. Airline humour
 10. Three Puns
 11. Airline Disaster <clean>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 8 Oct 1998 03:27:00 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Congress
 
* A congressman is a person who doesn't know where he's going...
  and yet he wants the rest of us to follow him.
                            - - - - -
 
* I'm not at all sure though that Congress' new policy on "not
  passing the buck" is a good thing.  Now, they just keep it.
                            - - - - -
 
* Anybody but me think the term "cheap politician" is the ultimate
  misnomer ?  Do you realize how much it costs us to support them ?
                            - - - - -
 
* I've often wondered what a congressman tells his children or
  Grandchildren what it is he does for a living.
                            - - - - -
 
* Ever notice how Congress likes to adjourn and go home.  I just
  can't understand that.  If I were my congressman, the LAST
  place I'd want to go is home and face the voters.
                            - - - - -
 
* Some congressmen have stated that they're changed their minds
  about impeaching Clinton, but only after a long struggle with
  their consciences.  Yeah, right !  Seems to me, any fight that
  is billed as "Congressman vs Conscience" would be over in 0.4
  seconds. To begin with, to a congressman, a conscience is that
  small inner voice that warns them we're all watching them now.
                            - - - - -
 
* Has anyone else but me noticed that the "uniform of the day"
  in the US Congress appears to be either dark blue or black
  suits ?  I wonder if they realize they look like a bunch of
  undertakers running around.  Of course, maybe they all know
  something we don't -- perhaps they're mourning the demise of
  our Government early -- they should !  They're the ones who
  have been trying for the last 40 years to bring it about.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 8 Oct 1998 07:00:32 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Rules That Guys Wished Women Knew
 
 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
 
 2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
 
 3. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to
    see if we can find the perfect present once again.
 
 4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
    expect an answer you don't want to hear.
 
 5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
 
 6. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
    to discuss such topics as navel lint, computers, and
    carburetors.
 
 7. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
    tides. Let it be.
 
 8. Shopping is not sport.
 
 9. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
 
10. You have enough clothes.
 
11. You have too many shoes.
 
12. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must,
    but don't expect us to like it.
 
13. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
 
14. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will mark
    anniversaries on a calendar.
 
15. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
    point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
 
16. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes -- what makes you
    think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
    would look good with your dress?
 
17. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
 
18. A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
 
19. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
 
20. Films starring Barbara Streisand are for Girls Night Out.
 
21. Check your oil.
 
22. Don't give us rules.
 
23. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
 
24. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
    together.
 
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
    argument.  All comments become null and void after 7 days.
 
26. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
    expect us to act like soap opera guys.
 
27. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
    the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
 
28. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know
    how pretty you are?
 
29. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
 
30. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want
    it done -- not both.
 
31. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
    commercials.
 
32. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
 
33. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right
    to complain about having their boobs stared at.
 
34. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like
    you do.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 8 Oct 1998 09:10:34 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Airline Woes
 
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles.  By the time we
took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board
was ticked.
 
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way.  The flight
attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay,
and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30
minutes.
 
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before
because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in
front of him throughout the entire flight.  I could also tell he
had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him
and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for
almost an hour.  Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
 
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch
his legs."
 
Picture this All the people in the gate area came to a completely
quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the
plane with the Seeing Eye dog!  The pilot was even wearing
sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes,
they also were trying to change airlines!
 
     -Thanks to SK
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 8 Oct 1998 09:51:40 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Oriental Cuisine <adult>
 
SUC  MI  PAGODA
     Cuntonese Cuisine
     6969 Fellation Blvd.
     Escondildo, CA  12698
             281-6969
 
A 'la Carte  ___   $2.69 Each
-----------------------------------------
 - CUM DROP SOUP
     Fresh every 27 days
 
 - PEE YU PLATTER
     Clothes Pins extra
 
 - HOO FLUNG POO
     Napkins and raincoats provided
 
 - YUNG POON TANG
     No take-out orders available
 
 
LUNCHEON SPECIALS
-----------------------------------
 1. SUM YUNG CHIK............$6.99
        Different and delicious!
 
 2. WUN HUNG LO...............$6.99
        Chinese meatballs
 
 3. SUM DUM FUC...............$9.69
        Same as #1 but w/extra sauce
 
 4. CHU SUM TWAT...........$16.99
        Dinner for parties of 3 or more
 
 5. SUC MI PORK.................$9.69
        Chef's special!
 
 6. FUC YU MAN.................$6.69
        Specialty of the house
 
 
DINNER COMBINATIONS
---------------------------------------
Includes Smeg Roll and Fortune Nookies
 
 1. GOO IN HAND...............$9.69
        For those dining alone
 
 2. GOO-WEE CHIK..........$6.99
        Sloppy seconds - no extra charge
 
 3. CUM TU SOON............$6.99
        Order early - these go fast
 
 4. SUC MI WANG.............$6.99
        Traditional Chinese meatloaf
 
 5. SUM DUM CHIK..........$4.99
        You get what you pay for
 
 6. FUC MEI SLO..............$6.99
        Not available after 10pm
 
 7. LIK MI CLIT...................$6.99
        A delicious lip-smacking delight
 
 8. CHO KON IT................$9.99
        Not for the light throated
 
 9. FUC SUM NOW.........$6.99
        For those in a hurry
 
 10. WAI TU YUNG.........$4.99
         Not available on school nights
 
 11. TUNG SUM CHIK.....$8.99
         A taste bud tingler
 
 12. SUM GULP CUM......$9.69
         Lo-cal diet special
    [ A White House Favorite! ]
 
For very best fung chow, you cum SUC MI PAGODA
          (parking in rear)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 8 Oct 1998 09:56:05 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #8 (2 of 3)
 
     Copied from Houston Columnist, Jim Barlow:
 
                Hogs, chickens and Catapillars.
  Business facts you can use to wow the folks at the office.
 
The U.S. hog herd peaks in October.
 
Not exciting enough? Than how about: "The nation's 18- to
34-year-olds are eating more white meat chicken than red meat at a
younger age than their parents did before them," according to a
survey by Taco Bell.
 
Need still more exciting material? The Mexican jumping bean is not
a bean but a seed from the shrub Sebastiana pavoniana, which grows
in the states of Sonora and Chihuahua. Its movements are caused by
a caterpillar that lives inside the seed capsule.
 
Our Getting to the Bottom of This Award to the Texas Legislature.
Effective Oct. 1, a new Texas law makes it mandatory. If you're
going to dig a hole 16 inches or deeper you must call 800-545-6005.
They in turn will notify the operators of all underground line or
pipe -- except water and sewer -- who will send someone out to mark
what might be underground in the area in which you wish to dig. So
what if there's a sewer line there?  Guess the nose will know.
 
The Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies Award to Creative Capers
Entertainment of Glendale, Calif., and Rapture Technologies of
Richardson, which announced they jointly formed the company Digital
Doorway, also of Glendale.
 
First Runner-Up to the Above Award: Cavedog Entertainment in 1999
will deliver three new computer games -- Good and Evil, Amen and
The Awakening.
 
The Stop the Presses Award to the following press release:
 
"OTTAWA, Canada -- The Jordanaires, Elvis Presley's original backup
group, has accompanied singer-songwriter David Auston on this
spectacular grand production of the memorial song called, I Miss
Elvis Presley. The song has vocal and symphonic versions."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 8 Oct 1998 09:46:00 -0700
From:    Josiah Brush <jwbrush@MAIL.HAC.COM>
Subject: The Conversation

	[Archivist Note: The following was written by Dave Barry
                         a columnist for the Miami Herald] 

   Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named
Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty
good time.  A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again
they enjoy themselves.  They continue to see each other regularly,
and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
 
   And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought
occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:
"Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other
for exactly six months?"
 
   And then there is silence in the car.  To Elaine, it seems like
a very loud silence.  She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it
bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by
our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some
kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
 
   And Roger is thinking:  Gosh. Six months.
 
   And Elaine is thinking:  But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
kind of relationship, either.  Sometimes I wish I had a little more
space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to
keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where
are we going?  Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this
level of intimacy?  Are we heading toward marriage? Toward
children?  Toward a lifetime together?  Am I ready for that level
of commitment?  Do I really even know this?

   And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see....
February when we started going out, which was right after I had the
car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ...
Whoa!  I am way overdue for an oil change here.
 
   And Elaine is thinking: He's upset.  I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong.  Maybe he wants more from
our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has
sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some
reservations.  Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant
to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
rejected.
 
   And Roger is thinking:  And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again.  I don't care what those morons say, it's still
not shifting right.  And they better not try to blame it on the
cold weather this time.  What cold weather?  It's 87 degrees out,
and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I
paid those incompetent thieves $600.
 
   And Elaine is thinking:  He's angry.  And I don't blame him. 
I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but
I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
 
   And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
 
   And Elaine is thinking:  Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting
right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with,
a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care
about me.  A person who is in pain because of my self-centered,
schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
 
   And Roger is thinking:  They want a warranty? I'll give them a
darn warranty.  I'll take their warranty and stick it right up
their...
 
   "Roger," Elaine says aloud.
 
   "What?" says Roger, startled.
 
   "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears.  "Maybe I should never have... Oh my,
I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
 
   "What?" says Roger.
 
   "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs.  "I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and
there's no horse."
 
   "There's no horse?" says Roger.
 
   "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
 
   "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
 
   "It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine
says.
 
   (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
    can tries to come up with a safe response.  Finally he comes up
    with one that he thinks might work.)
 
   "Yes," he says.
 
   (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you
really feel that way?" she says.
 
   "What way?" says Roger.
 
   "That way about time," says Elaine.
 
   "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
 
   (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes,
    causing him to become very nervous about what she might say
    next, especially if it involves a horse.  At last she speaks.)
 
   "Thank you, Roger," she says.
 
   Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a confused,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.  Whereas when Roger gets back
to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos turns on the TV, and
immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.  A tiny voice in
the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was
going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no
way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if
he doesn't think about it.
 
   The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
of them,.and they will talk about this situation for six straight
hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said
and everything he said, going over it time and time again,
exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of
meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will
continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe
months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting
bored with it.
 
   Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a
mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving,
frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 8 Oct 1998 14:02:12 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: The Bat
 
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks
and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I
stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.
 
I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
 
"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained,
"I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
 
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you
going back there?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 8 Oct 1998 17:01:05 EDT
From:    J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Fart Problem
 
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an
embarrassing problem.  "I fart all the time, Doctor Blake, but
they're soundless, and they have no odor.  In fact, since I've
been here, I've farted no less than twenty times.  What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson.  Take these pills three
times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
 
The next week, an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blakes
office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the
problem is worse!  I'm farting just as much, and they're still
soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for
yourself?"
 
"Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that
we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 8 Oct 1998 23:55:44 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Airline humour
 
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some
examples that have been reported:
 
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane..."
 
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
 
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
 
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as
you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a
bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the
flight pattern."
 
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
 
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve
luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the
intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance
system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not
remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and
complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the
aircraft."
 
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.
I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit
with all of you for the rest of the flight."
 
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."
 
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it."
 
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
 
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if
I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is
it?"  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
 
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats
with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of
our airplane to the gate!"
 
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to the terminal."
 
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
 
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small
children, decide now which one you love more.
 
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 8 Oct 1998 18:28:14 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Three Puns
 
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange
eating habits "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car
wax. What will happen to her?"
 
"Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"
 
     -From: Ed Hexler
                    - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
How about the professor of psychology and the professor of history
sitting on the porch of the nudist colony watching the sun set.
The professor of history said to the professor of psychology
"Have you read Marx?"
 
To which the professor of psychology said "Yes, I think it's the
wicker chairs!"
 
     -From Maurice Smith
                    - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
"I had an old friend that went into stage work.  Seems he set up an
acting company and was trying to produce an original play, but one
part was really difficult to stage.  It was said that he did not
have the proper actors to do the tricky stuff, and since he had
limited funds (no angels supporting his show), he had to put out
an odd scene lone call."
 
     -By Brian Catlin
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 9 Oct 1998 09:44:38 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Airline Disaster <clean>
 
API(Poland): A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a
cemetry early this afternoon in central poland.  Polish search and
rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the
number to climb as digging continues in the evening.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Oct 1998 to 9 Oct 1998
**********************************************
 
