HUMOR Digest - 7 Oct 1998 to 8 Oct 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 441 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Old Guard
  2. Food For Thought
  3. Blonds At The Ofise   <offensive to you know who>
  4. Titanic Movie vs. Clinton Video <mildly adult>
  5. My kind of Diet!
  6. ComPUTer Humor
  7. Improving < offensive to Babujis only>
  8. A New Lexicon For Women About Men
  9. The Shrinks (Pun)
 10. The Ride <adult>
 
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Date:    Wed, 7 Oct 1998 03:29:15 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Old Guard
 
* "The Four Hundred" was once actually a list of the wealthiest
  and most exclusive social set.  One Boston matron lamenting its
  demise said: "Even 'The Four Hundred' has been reduced to $2.98"
                            - - - - -
 
* America's Blue Bloods circled the limos long ago in an attempt
  to stave off the 90's.  One matron was so shocked at some of the
  new female tennis outfits. She said, "In my day, a debutante was
  considered daring if she showed her in-step.  Today, they all
  show their step-ins."
                            - - - - -
 
* Being admitted into "society" used to require not only money, but
  lineage.  One sure method of being accepted was to claim your
  ancestors arrived in the US on the "MayFlower".  According to my
  calculations, for the ship to accommodate the vast amount of
  people claiming such passage for their ancestors, the Mayflower
  would have had to have been at least 3.7 miles (5.95 km) long.
                            - - - - -
 
*   Four local, but unmistakable VIP's arrived for dinner at a New
  York hotel right at the busiest time.  There was no table
  available and they were kept waiting in the lobby.
    The hotel manager spotted them and hurried over to the maitre
  d'hotel. "Do you realize just who you've got waiting in the lobby
  to be seated ?" he asked.
   "Indeed I do." the maitre d'hotel replied. "I've already been
  told four times, sir."
                            - - - - -
 
*   When I was with State Highway, I was invited to address a DAR
  (Daughters of the American Revolution) sub-committee meeting
  concerning the impact a proposed highway widening would have on
  their meeting hall.
    The chairwoman, sensing my reluctance, said, "Surely you don't
  object to clubs for women."
    "No, not at all." I replied.  "But only as a last resort, and
  only when all other means of persuasion fail."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 7 Oct 1998 07:02:46 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Food For Thought
 
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed
and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If  it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
 
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
 
Never take life seriously.  Nobody gets out alive anyway.
 
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
 
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
 
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the
fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?
 
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
 
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
 
Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
 
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
 
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
 
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.  After
marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 7 Oct 1998 08:23:04 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Blonds At The Ofise   <offensive to you know who>
 
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes
about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress
and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is
talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way
to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about
hairassment and he will be on are side.
 
We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this
pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes
as much as blond jokes and every so often a red hed joke. If we
don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and
we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
 
Sined by the blonds at the ofise
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 7 Oct 1998 08:21:34 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Titanic Movie vs. Clinton Video <mildly adult>
 
(they say that history has a tendency to repeat itself)
          From the Philadelphia Daily News
                    September 28, 1998
 
TITANIC  MOVIE
     -- CLINTON VIDEO
 
$9.99 on Internet
     -- Same
 
Over 3 hours long
     -- Same
 
The Story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden
love, and a subsequent tragedy
     -- The Story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden
         love, and a subsequent tragedy
 
Their Song: Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On"
     -- Their Song: Sarah MacLachlan  "No. 5"
 
Villain: White Star Line
     -- Villain: Ken Starr
 
Jack is a starving Artist
     -- Bill is a BS artist
 
In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
     -- Ditto for Bill
 
During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
     -- Ditto for Monica's
 
Jack Teaches Rose to Spit
     -- Let's NOT go there
 
Rose gets to keep her jewelry
     -- Monica forced to return gifts
 
Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular
     -- Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%
 
Jack meets an icy death
     -- Bill goes home to Hillary
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 7 Oct 1998 09:29:31 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: My kind of Diet!
 
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds
up during the day...
 
BREAKFAST
*****************
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast - Dry
8 oz Skim Milk
 
LUNCH
**********
4 oz Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie
 
MIDAFTERNOON SNACK
**********************************
Rest of the Oreos in the Package
2 Pints of Rocky Road Ice cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream
 
DINNER
***********
2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom and Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars
 
LATE EVENING NEWS
******************************
Entire Frozen Cheesecake eaten directly from freezer
 
RULES FOR THIS DIET
**********************
1. If you eat something and no-one sees you eat it,
   it has no calories.
 
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the
   candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
 
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you
   don't eat more than they do.
 
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot
   chocolate, brandy toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
 
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, you look thinner.
 
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they
   are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of
   one's personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior
   Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls.
 
7. Cookies pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking
   causes calorie leakage.
 
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are
   in the process of preparing something.
   Examples:
       Peanut Butter on a knife making a sandwich
       Ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
 
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
   Examples:
       Spinach & Pistachio ice cream,
       Mushrooms & White Chocolate.
 
    NOTE:  Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted
           for any other food color.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 7 Oct 1998 08:50:57 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: ComPUTer Humor
 
At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was
demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software.   A
representative from the company was just about ready to start
the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.
 
Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,
"Format C: Return."
 
Someone else chimed in:
"Yes, Return"
 
Unfortunately, the software worked....
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 7 Oct 1998 06:59:54 PDT
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Improving < offensive to Babujis only>
 
A Babuji asked his son, "What is 9 multiplied by 8?" and his son
answered "74."
 
The Babuji patted the boy and gave him a sweet. On seeing this, his
neighbour, a Sardarji (a man from a race of brilliant Indians)
said, " Bewakoof (Fool) 9 multiplied by 8 is equal to 72 and not
74."
 
"I know," said the Babuji," but he is improving. Yesterday he gave
88 as the answer to the same question."
 
 
"A Singaporean discovers India"
  (The unfortunate misadventures of a man thrust into a mismathced
   world)
"Airy Fairy Stories"
 (to pick up moral or two)
 
 
http://members.xoom.com/RanjeetSingh/main.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 7 Oct 1998 20:40:43 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: A New Lexicon For Women About Men

 
Neanderful
   Men haven't made much progress in the art of wooing over the
last few hundred years, as evidenced by the Tonya Harding affair.
Basically, it's still "here, look what I've beaten and killed for
you!"  Women need a way to indicate appreciation and revulsion at
the same time.
   Now, there's a word. "Og, that was really neanderful; now please
drag the bloody carcass out of the foyer, wipe off your club, and
be sure to write me from jail."
 
Manslobber
Some men just can't take no for an answer. The harmless majority of
these Gomers are much like laboratory monkeys who keep pressing a
button which administers a dose of potentially pleasurable, but
eventually deadly poison. If refusing a date just doesn't get
through to the bundle of glands that is yapping at your heels,
women may now say "I'm sorry, Goofus, but I'm going to have to
press manslobber charges."
 
Mammopia
This phrase would be used to chasten men who just can't seem to
focus on anything but a woman's {dairy related} body parts. When
this behavior is detected, women could say "Hey buddy, I'm up here!
You need radial keratotomy for that severe case of mammopia."
 
Premature Articulation
This phrase would be used to assail the "Schwing Reflex," which
causes men to make vulgar comments about attractive women who pass
within their field of view. An occasional "Hello, Betty!" is
forgivable and physiological responses are not controllable (if
they were, oh happy day!). Still, men ought to know better than to
say things like "Here, chickie, chickie" or "Come to Papa!"  The
problem is: men speak before they think. The next time it happens,
women may retort, "What's the matter Hercules, have you got a case
of premature articulation?"
 
Haskellate
Named after the Sultan of Suck-Ups, Eddie Haskell from "Leave it to
Beaver", this phrase would be used to castigate men who heap
meaningless flattery on women with all their motives ulterior. When
the doo-doo gets deep, women could say "if these flurries
haskellate any further, I'll be knee deep in it."
 
Blowhole
Men are much like whales. They lie around most of the time, then
surface briefly to spout off. I pity women who must nod through a
nice meal while her date sounds off about his {completely made-up}
accomplishments. When this happens, she should say "Moby dear, why
don't you submerge now and give your blowhole a little rest. You're
getting the other diners a little wet."
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 7 Oct 1998 16:13:53 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Shrinks (Pun)
 
Sam and Max were psychologists, and the best of friends. Sam's
practice was based upon the theories of Sigmund Freud, but Max
relied more upon the theories of Carl Jung. One wintry night, as
they were walking home from the community college where they had
just given a lecture, Sam slipped on the ice and did a swan dive
into the sidewalk. Dazed, he looked up to see his friend regarding
him thoughtfully.
 
"Well, what is it?" he snapped.
 
Max extended his hand and said, "Sorry, but it's just that this is
the first time I've actually SEEN a Freudian slip."
 
(By Adrian L. Charles)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 8 Oct 1998 09:57:02 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Ride <adult>
 
   12 Jewish guys decide to take a trip through the desert, so they
go to the Arab camel-hire man to hire camels. The Arab tells them
it's 1000 dinars per camel, which they find too expensive. "12000
dinars for transport? No way". So they decide to hire just the one
camel, which they all ride, from head to tail. After a mile or so,
the camel starts staggering, trembling etc.
   The firts guy, the one on the camel's snout almost, turns to the
second man and says "I guess the camel is fucked...". The second
turns to the third and relays, "I guess the camel is fucked...".
The third to the fourth and so on, until the 11th turns to the 12th
who was sitting on the camel's very end, and says "I guess the
camel is fucked".
   "So what do you want me to do?", says the twelfth. "If I pull it
out, I'll fall off!"
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Oct 1998 to 8 Oct 1998
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