HUMOR Digest - 6 Oct 1998 to 7 Oct 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 644 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Police
  2. Typical Lawyers (off. to lawyers)
  3. The Abscess <adult>
  4. bill's drive in the country
     [offensive to clinton supporters; mildly adult]
  5. Golf For Couples  <adult>
  6. Ethnic Jokes <equal opportunity offensive>
  7. The Theology of Toys
  8. BLONDE INVENTIONS
  9. Humor - Weird Business News #8 (1 of 3)
 10. The Eleventh Commandment (sacrilegious)
 11. Fwd: Neutron Tide (long, pun)
 12. Hurricane Bonnie (Pun)
 13. Off the Wire
 14. At The Moscow Health Clinic <clean>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 6 Oct 1998 03:09:00 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Police
 
*   The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never
  wanted to see you in here again."
    "Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell
  the police, but they wouldn't listen."
                             - - - - -
 
*  Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of
             the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?"
  Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy
             people who didn't see me steal the stuff."
                             - - - - -
 
* Offender: "You can't arrest me for this.  I didn't do anything
             wrong & I'm a man with the courage of my convictions."
   Officer: "Yes, I see that.  According to your record, you've
             had six of them already."
                             - - - - -
 
*   The Sergeant was berating the recruit for not following proper
  procedure. "... And if you're ever in doubt, all you have to do
  is consult the departmental manual."
    "But that's just it Sarge." the rookie officer responded. "I'm
  never in doubt."
                             - - - - -
 
*   It was the Grandparents' day to baby-sit their 3-year-old
  Granddaughter.  The Grandmother, concerned for the child's
  safety, locked the porch gate in spite of the child's howls of
  indignation.
    Later, the Grandfather, a wise old Police Sergeant, did the
  same thing to bar the lil' girl from the kitchen.  This time
  though, there were no cries of protest.
    Drawing on his experience in calming criminals, he told the
  lil' girl he was using the gate to keep the Grandmother from
  bothering them while they watched TV & Mom-Mom cooked dinner.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 6 Oct 1998 06:54:38 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Typical Lawyers (off. to lawyers)
 
   Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island, nothing around
them for miles and miles but water. They've been stranded here for
quite some time, so they've gotten quite bored with one another.
   One of the lawyers tells the other he's going to climb to the
top of the tree (the only thing on the island) to see if he can
possibly see a rescue team coming.
   The other lawyer tells him he's crazy and that he's just wasting
his time and won't see anything. But the lawyer proceeds to climb
to the top of the tree anyway. He's up there only a short time when
the lawyer down on the ground hears him say, "Wow! I can't believe
my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"
   So the lawyer on the ground says, "What do you see? I think
you're hallucinating and you should come down right now." So the
lawyer reluctantly climbs down the tree and proceeds to tell his
friend that he saw a naked blonde woman floating face up headed
toward their island.
   The other lawyer starts to laugh, thinking his friend has surely
lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up floats a naked blonde
woman, face up, totally unconscious. The two lawyers go over to
where she is and one says to the other, "Well, you know it's been a
long time... do you think we should screw her?"
   The other lawyer responds, "Out of what?"
                    ==============================
 
   An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the
Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a
proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest
of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will
stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
   All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your
children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and
parents-in-law and the souls of all of your friends and law
partners."
   The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,  "So...
what's the catch?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 6 Oct 1998 15:18:05 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: The Abscess <adult>
 
A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota
motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important
deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible
impression.  On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find
himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant
characteristic of sounding like "HONDA."  The man was besides
himself.
 
Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....  Unable to stop this
aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious
and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid.
After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was
nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to
wait it out.  Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he
visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the
same thing.Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist.
 
Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any
help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the  dentist said, "Ah,
there's the problem"
 
"What is it?" the man asked.
 
"Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.
 
"An abscess.  How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.
 
"That's easy," replied the dentist.  "Why everyone knows...
 Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
 
-----------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 6 Oct 1998 08:51:48 -0400
From:    "Musat, Bob" <Bob.Musat@TRI-C.CC.OH.US>
Subject: bill's drive in the country
         [offensive to clinton supporters; mildly adult]
 
> as tired as i am of clinton/lewinsky jokes,
> here's a refreshing "oldie but goodie"
 
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one
night, when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. 
Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the
owners what had happened.
 
About 1 hour later, Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car
with a bottle of whiskey in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes all ripped and torn.
 
"What happened to you?" asked Bill.
 
"Well, the farmer gave me the whiskey, his wife gave me the cigar
and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," says
the driver.
 
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton.
 
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed
the pig."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 6 Oct 1998 09:04:42 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Golf For Couples  <adult>
 
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
 
The husband has his lesson first.
 
After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping
the club way too hard!"
 
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
 
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast."
 
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway.
 
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife
can't wait for her lesson.
 
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too
hard."
 
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
 
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.
 
"The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway... about 15 ft.
 
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your
mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 6 Oct 1998 08:46:07 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Ethnic Jokes <equal opportunity offensive>
 
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large
crowd gathered. A Hindu lawyer, anxious to find out the story,
could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started
shouting loudly: "Let me through ! Let me through ! I am the son of
the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car
was a donkey.
          -----------------------------------
 
   In a California prison, two white men and a Mexican were put in
a cell together. One of the whites said he was in for ten years for
attempted rape, but thought himself lucky that he hadn't actually
done the rape, or he would be in for twenty years.
   The other white said he had gotten fifteen years for attempted
murder, but was lucky his victim had lived, or he'd be doing life.
   The Mexican then said he was in for twenty-five years for riding
his bike without a light, but figured he was lucky it wasn't night
time.
          -----------------------------------
 
YOU MIGHT BE A JEWISH REDNECK IF....
   -- You think a 'hora' is a high priced call girl.
   -- You light your shabbos candles from your cigarette.
   -- Your belt buckle is bigger than your yarmulke.
   -- Instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun
           at the sound of Haman's name.
   -- You have a gun rack in your sukkah.
   -- You think KKK is a symbol for 'kosher.'
   -- You think marrying your first cousin is a Jewish law.
         -----------------------------------
 
"There is a flaw in the argument that a generous
    welfare state generates good pop music:  Germany."
                  --The Economist, 14 March 1998
         -----------------------------------
 
   A citizen of Oxford, England, moved to London, where he soon
found himself a little bit too superior to the rest of the
population. So in order to fit in to the environment, he had to do
a surgery to remove half of his brain.
   Very well, he went to a hospital to get it done. The surgeon,
however, made a mistake during the operation, and instead of
removing *half* of the brain, he removed the whole thing.
   When the patient woke up, his first word was "G'Day!"
         -----------------------------------
 
Q: What's the difference between an elephant
   and an Italian grandmother?
A: Twenty pounds and a black dress.
         -----------------------------------
 
Q: How do you know when your staying in an Alabama hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my
   sink," and the person at the desk says "Go ahead."
         -----------------------------------
 
"I read someplace that in the Netherlands, there's actually a
college of prostitution," says Jay Leno.  "I wonder what would be
worse: having your daughter call home to tell you that she flunked
out, or that she made the dean's list."
         -----------------------------------
 
   During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff
occured along the front. For days and days neither side made any
advances. Finally, an American sergeant had a bright idea.
   He aimed his rifle towards the Mexican trenches and yelled
"Hey Juan!" ....... A soldier jumped up and replied "What?"
The sergeant shot him dead. This continued for three days.
   A Mexican sergeant decided that two could play this game,
and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"
   An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?"
The Mexican sergeant stood up, "Yeah?!".....
         -----------------------------------
 
I saw something nice today.  This was a good little gesture.  Two
members of the Dallas Cowboys were actually standing in front of a
police station autographing mug shots for the kids.   -- Jay Leno   
      -----------------------------------
 
   A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came
in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"  The man
replied, "155."
   So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics,
astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought,
"This is really cool."
   Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's
your IQ?"  The man responded, "120."
   So the robot started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes,
and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
   A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot
asked him, "What's your IQ?"  The man replied, "80."
   The robot then said, "So, how are things in Poland these days?"  
       -----------------------------------
 
   A recently concluded $18 million, seven-year study by the
University of Stockholm has concluded that God speaks like we do
here in the US South.
   Actually, he sounds almost exactly like Sen. Strom Thurmond.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 6 Oct 1998 17:10:28 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: The Theology of Toys
 
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go
            straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you
            selling yours.
Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
Hedonsim - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist - Once played always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door,
          wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from,
                        let's just play.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 6 Oct 1998 16:08:18 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: BLONDE INVENTIONS
 
    -- The water-proof towel
    -- Glow in the dark sunglasses
    -- Solar powered flashlights
    -- Submarine screen doors
    -- A book on how to read
    -- Inflatable dart boards
    -- A dictionary index
    -- Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
    -- Powdered water
    -- Pedal-powered wheel chairs
    -- Waterproof tea bags
    -- The helicopter ejector seat
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 6 Oct 1998 16:51:52 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #8 (1 of 3)
 
     Copied from Houston Columnist, Jim Barlow:
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
                Making a living leads to weirdness.
 
RIDE along with us, pardner, as Weird Business News lassos more of
the fads, foibles and foolishness that come with making a buck in
the U.S.A.
 
The Best Y2K News Prize to Playboy Magazine, which says it has
corrected Year 2000 problems with its computer systems -- members
of the Playboy Cyber Club face no interruptions in their fix of
naked flesh after midnight, Dec. 31, 1999.
 
Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey is suing People for the Ethical
Treatment of Animals. It accuses PETA of trademark misappropriation
after the animal rights group set up the Web site www.ringling-
brothers.com, where they criticize the circus for its use of
animals. You may recall PETA had trouble several years ago when it
attempted to go online, only to find there already was a
www.peta.org site. The initials stood for People Eating Tasty
Animals. Which leads us to give PETA our As the Worm Turns Award.
 
Best Job Title (academic division) to Max Peeters, of the Colorado
School of Mines. Peeters is the school's Baker Hughes Distinguished
Professor of Borehole.
 
Most Appropriate Name for a Company Selling Grave Stones -- Rock of
Ages Corp. of Concord, N.H.
 
Least Appropriate Name for a Company Selling Grave Stones -- Party
City Corp. of Rockaway, N.J. Fortunately this company sells party
supplies.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 6 Oct 1998 19:27:47 -0400
From:    Peter Beloin <pbeloin@BANET.NET>
Subject: The Eleventh Commandment (sacrilegious)
 
This morning the House Judiciary Committee issued
the Eleventh Commandment...
 
 
Thou Shalt Not Showeth Thy Rod To Thy Staff...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 6 Oct 1998 19:45:01 -0400
From:    Thomas Wideman <twideman@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Fwd: Neutron Tide (long, pun)
 
     The following short story is entitled "Neutron Tide",
     and was written by Arthur C. Clarke, his copyright.
 
 
"In deference to the next of kin," Commander Cummerbund explained
with morbid relish, "the full story of the super-cruiser
'Flatbush's' last mission has never been fully revealed.  You know,
of course, that she was lost during the war against the Mucoids."
 
We all shuddered.  Even now, the very name of the gelatinous
monsters who had come slurping Earthward from the general direction
of the Coal Sack aroused vomitive memories.
 
"I knew her skipper well -- Captain Karl van Rinderpest, hero of
the final assault on the unspeakable, but not unshriekable,
!!Yeetch."
 
He paused politely to let us unplug our ears and mop up our spilled
drinks.
 
"'Flatbush' had just launched a salvo of probability inverters
against the Mucoid home planet and was heading back toward deep
space in formation with three destroyers -- the Russian 'Lieutenant
Kizhe', the Israeli 'Chutzpah', and her Majesty's 'Insufferable'.
They were still accelerating when a fantastically unlikely
accident occurred.  'Flatbush' ran straight into the gravity well
of a neutron star."
 
When our expressions of horror and incredulity had subsided, he
continued gravely.
 
"Yes -- a sphere of ultimately condensed matter, only ten miles
across, yet as massive as a sun -- and hence with a surface gravity
one hundred billion times that of Earth.
 
"The other ships were lucky.  They only skirted the outer fringe of
the field and managed to escape, though their orbits were deflected
almost a hundred and eighty degrees.  But 'Flatbush', we calculated
later, must have passed within a few dozen miles of that
unthinkable concentration of mass and so experienced the full
violence of its tidal forces.
 
"Now in any reasonable gravitational field -- even that of a White
Dwarf, which may run up to a million Earth g's -- you just swing
around the center of attraction and head on out into space again,
without feeling a thing.  At the closest point you could be
accelerating at hundreds or thousands of g's -- but you're still in
free fall, so there are no physical effects.  Sorry if I'm laboring
the obvious, but I realize that everyone here isn't technically
orientated."
 
If this was intended as a crack at Fleet Paymaster General "Sticky
Fingers" Geldclutch, he never noticed, being well into his fifth
beaker of Martian Joy Juice.
 
"For a neutron star, however, this is no longer true.  Near the
center of mass the gravitational gradient -- that is, the rate at
which the field changes with distance -- is so enormous that even
across the width of a small body like a spaceship there can be a
difference of a hundred thousand g's.  I need hardly tell you what
that sort of field can do to any material object.
 
"'Flatbush' must have been torn to pieces almost instantly, and the
pieces themselves must have flowed like liquid during the few
seconds they took to swing around the star.  Then the fragments
headed on out into space again.
 
"Months later a radar sweep by the Salvage Corps located some of
the debris.  I've seen it -- surrealistically shaped lumps of the
toughest metals we possess twisted together like taffy.  And there
was only one item that could even be recognized -- it must have
come from some unfortunate engineer's tool kit."
 
The Commander's voice dropped almost to inaudibility, and he
dashed away a manly tear.
 
"I really hate to say this."  He sighed.  "But the only
identifiable fragment of the pride of the United States Space Navy
was -- one star-mangled spanner."
 
 
http://home.earthlink.net/~twideman/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 6 Oct 1998 19:11:11 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Hurricane Bonnie (Pun)
 
"For a couple of weeks after Hurricane Bonnie drenched the Eastern
seaboard of the USA a month ago, farmers had to spread great stacks
of alfalfa and hay and timothy grass out in the fields to dry. Some
of them prayed for the weather not to be cloudy, so the feed their
livestock will need this winter would be dry and good, not moldy.
 
"They prayed for the fodder, in the sun, on the whole East Coast."
 
 
(By Dr. Jake Katz)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 6 Oct 1998 19:35:44 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Off the Wire
 
OFF THE WIRE
News We Just Couldn't Pass Up
 
An ex-policeman was arrested in Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, for drugging
people with spiked lemonade so he could steal their cars.
 
A prostitute stole more than $4,000 in jewelry from her customer at
a Bangkok brothel, then fled the establishment wearing only a
towel, a Thai newspaper reported.  She jumped into a waiting taxi
while the customer also gave chase wearing only a towel.
 
A robber fled a Magna, Ill., bank with about $4,500 in cash he
snatched from a teller's drawer, but only after leaving some
obvious clues to his identity.  At the time of the robbery, he was
cashing a $12.19 payroll check, which had his name printed on it. 
He left the check at the bank, with the ID he was using to cash it.
 
A Paris court fined far-right leader Jean-Marie Le Pen one franc
for a cruel campaign prank in which he displayed a portrait of a
Socialist opponent on a platter as if she had been beheaded.
 
Hard-core pornography is banned in Texas prisons.  So are hate
writings as well as magazines that could teach inmates how to build
weapons. Also off-limits:  The Texas Almanac.  The annual book of
lists, statistics and boiled-down information isn't permitted
because its maps are so detailed that prison officials fear they
could help escapees.
 
Nearly 100 Chinese and foreign book lovers who took their passion
for the printed word too far were charged with shoplifting at a
Beijing book fair.
 
El Niqo, the weather pattern blamed for drought, storms and floods
world-wide this year, also helped trigger key historical events,
including the French Revolution, according to a recently published
book.  It says the devastation crop failures in France in 1787-88,
which led to unrest and the revolution a year later, was El Niqo's
fault.
 
 
Compiled by Ivan Weiss, The Seattle Times, September 19, 1998
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 7 Oct 1998 10:31:04 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: At The Moscow Health Clinic <clean>
 
   Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an
ear-and-eye doctor.  The nurse explains to him that there isn't a
specialist in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that
they have an eye-doctor AND an ear, nose, and throat man.  She
further goes on to suggest, after seeing his rather vacant stare,
that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that doesn't work, why then
he can go to the ophthalmologist.
   So a month later (Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet
bureaucracy) he is shown to the doc's office. The following
dialogue ensues.
 
Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov.  What seems to be the trouble?
Syadov: DOC!  DOC!  Ya GOTTA help me!  I'm going crazy!
Doctor:  Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms.
Syadov: Well, I..  OK.  I...  I'll try. It's like my ears and my
        eyeballs aren't connected to the same man.  I can't see
        what I hear, and I can't hear what I see!
 
At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook,
and prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's
doing, he explains:  "Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade.  But there's
no known cure for Communism."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Oct 1998 to 7 Oct 1998
**********************************************
 
