HUMOR Digest - 2 Oct 1998 to 3 Oct 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 485 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Psychiatrists
  2. The Orphan (Pun)
  3. A COWBOYaS GUIDE TO LIFE
  4. 90'S JARGON
  5. The 100GB Bug
  6. <Humor: Using Spoonerisms for Repartee.
  7. Birds of a feather <adult>
  8. Wedding Nite Prank(AdulT)
  9. Lil Johnny (adult theme)
 10. The Mine (Puns)
 
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Date:    Fri, 2 Oct 1998 03:35:37 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Psychiatrists
 
* Patient: "I love boxer shorts."
   Shrink: "Nothing wrong with that, I prefer them myself."
  Patient: "Really ???  With mustard or mayonnaise ?"
                                - - - - -
 
* I'm not so sure any psychiatrist is able to help anyone. I mean
  think about it.  Here's a guy who has a gorgeous woman on his
  couch, telling him all the intimate details of her life, and the
  damn fool just sits there, talks, and takes notes.
                                - - - - -
 
*   A woman complains to her shrink that her husband is always
  washing the car and not paying any attention to her.
    "Well..." responded the doctor, "a lot of men over-value
  their cars, but what's wrong with washing the car ?"
    "He does it in the bathtub." she exclaimed.
                                - - - - -
 
*   The Rabbi's wife called a psychiatrist and said, "My husband
  thinks he's the new Moses."
    The doctor assured her that these delusions of grandeur were
  only a passing fancy.
    "OK." she responded. "But in the meantime, how do I keep him
  from parting the waters in the hot-tub ?"
                                - - - - -
 
*   A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and when
  asked why he's there, the fellow responds, "Doctor, I'm tired of
  being on the outside looking in."
    "Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to
  improve your self-image.  Let's get a few basic facts first. What
  do you do for a living ?"
    "I'm a window washer." responded the patient.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 2 Oct 1998 01:18:38 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Orphan (Pun)
 
My name is Michael Idd, and I have a heartache. A heartache that
will not abate, for the many years it has plagued my psyche. For I
was born an orphan, and my heartache concerns my natural mother,
who will not acknowledge my very existence.
 
I spent the majority of my adolescent and adult life in an urgent
search for my mother, who, I was told, was a popular celebrity. One
day, I was fortunate enough to catch a segment of her speech on the
radio, and I knew my search was over. I immediately began a crusade
to communicate with her. But to no avail... she refuses to take my
calls, avoids my every attempt to make contact, and has even gone
as far as to leave specific instructions to her staff that I be
escorted from her place of work if I should be spotted there. I am
heartbroken, and don't know what to do.
 
But I, Michael Idd, will survive. And I will persist in my effort
to know the only human I can make true connection with. All I have
to do is think back to the exhilaration I felt the first time I
heard her voice. That sweet, feminine, understanding voice, lilting
out across the airwaves... saying, so softly, so confidently....
"Hi, welcome to the Dr. Laura Show...
and who am I? I am Mike Idd's mom."
 
(By  "RumpL4skn'" <manny@damall.com>)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 2 Oct 1998 07:13:15 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A COWBOYaS GUIDE TO LIFE
 
~ Never squat with your spurs on!
 
~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
 
~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.
  Neither one works.
 
~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew.
  Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.
 
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
  try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
 
~ Never ask a man the size of his spread.
 
~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he
  started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot
  him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
 
~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop
  diggin'.
 
~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
 
~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
 
~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from
  bad judgment.
 
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
 
~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
 
~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now
  and then to make sure it's still there.
 
~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person,
  don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
 
~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it
  thrown around by somebody else.
 
~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin'
  it back.
 
~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
  important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it
  was.
 
~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put
  it back in your pocket.
 
~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 2 Oct 1998 09:12:38 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 90'S JARGON
 
   ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient
person in an office or work group.  "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek
around here."
   ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb
success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than
working hard.
   BEEPILEPSY - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their
beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode).  Characterized by
physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and interruption of
speech in mid-sentence.
   CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software.  "Well,
first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your
salsa."
   CRAPPLET - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet.
"I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
   DANCING BALONEY - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that
are useless and serve simply to impress clients.  "This page is
kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."
   DEPOTPHOBIA - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because
of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience
Shackophobia.
   FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of
planning to leave a company or department soon.
   404 - Someone who's clueless.  From the World Wide Web error
message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could
not be located."Don't bother asking him. . . he's 404, man."
   GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly
the same no matter where one is.  "We were so lost in generica, I
actually forgot what city we were in."
   GOOD JOB - A "GET-OUT-OF-DEBT" JOB.  A well-paying job people
take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as
soon as they are solvent again.
   IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are
annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
The O.J. trials were a prime example.
   KEYBOARD PLAQUE - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found
on computer keyboards.
   MIDAIR PASSENGER EXCHANGE - Grim air-traffic-controller-speak
for a head-on collision.  Midair passenger exchanges are quickly
followed by "aluminum rain."
   NYETSCAPE - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web
browser.
   OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.  Seen in Elizabeth P.
Crowe's book The Electronic Traveller.  (Like when you type rm -Rf
*, and realize you are in /, and not in the directory you thought
you were in.)
   PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between
Chair and Keyboard."  (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant
lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at
the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid
questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has
an ID-Ten-T on his system.")
   PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out
of an electronic device to get it to work again.
   PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly
in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads
pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
   SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps over everything and then leaves.
   SQUARE-HEADED GIRLFRIEND - Another word for a computer.  The
victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."
   TELEPHONE NUMBER SALARY - A salary (or project budget) that has
seven digits.
   TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a
vacation from their jobs.  "We had about three serious students in
the class; the rest were tourists."
   UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing.  "This is
Dale, my...um...friend..."
   UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired.  Heard on the voicemail
of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm:  "You have
reached the number of an uninstalled vice president.  Please dial
our main number and ask the operator for assistance."  See also
Decruitment.
   VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach
all of the appropriate keys for certain commands.  For instance,
the warm boot for a Mac II involves simultaneously pressing the
Control key,  the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
   YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
everywhere.  Often used when trying to split the bill after a 
meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food
stamps."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 2 Oct 1998 09:13:35 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: The 100GB Bug
 
Firebringer News Service (FBNS)
Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered
civilization:  the 100GB Bug.
 
As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of
hamburgers the giant chain has sold.  That number now stands at 99
billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB).  Within months or even
weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB.
 
McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the
prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed
unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.
 
This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger,
McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts
predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no
McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a
complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.
The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to
force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy.  This, in turn,
will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which,
finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy,
ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on
beetles.
 
"The people who know - the sign-makers - are really scared of
100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging
up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading
for the hills."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 2 Oct 1998 11:19:33 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <Humor: Using Spoonerisms for Repartee.
 
    We're all familiar with Spoonerisms.  They are a form of word
play where letters are shifted about in two-word phrases.  The most
famous is probably, "Is this pie occupewed?" for "Is this pew
occupied?"  I just recently learned that they could be used in
arguments.
 
                        *************
Rev. William Archibald Spooner, the father of spoonerism not only
gave the English language a new word, an eponym, but also an artful
device for repartee. The story goes that a member of parliament cut
off another calling him a shining wit, and then apologized for
making a spoonerism.
                                      --Anu Garg
                                        Editor of A.Word.A.Day
                        *************
 
Anyone seen any other examples?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 2 Oct 1998 17:51:57 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Birds of a feather <adult>

Two toddlers, a boy and a girl, lived across the street from each
other. Both dearly loved chicken salad. Each day, they took turns
having lunch at his or her house and they always ate chicken salad.
This continued until they were ready to start school.
 
The day before school started, their mothers found them crying.
When asked why they were crying, they responded that they could no
longer eat their chicken salad together. The mothers comforted them
with the promise that they would pack their lunches and they could
still eat chicken salad together every day. The children did so
every day.
 
When they were about 11 years old, the girl unpacked her lunch one
day and the boy, startled, said, "That's not chicken salad. You
said you were going to eat chicken salad every day for the rest of
your life. What IS that stuff?"
 
To which the girl replied, "This is peanut butter and jelly. I
still love chicken salad, but I can't eat it anymore."
 
 Boy: "Why not??"
Girl: "Because I'm growing feathers."
 Boy: "You are not!"
Girl: "Yes I am. I'm growing feathers and can't eat chicken salad
       anymore."
 Boy: "I don't believe you, let me see."
Girl: "I can't show you my feathers."
 Boy: "I don't believe you."
 
So the girl agrees to show him her feathers and they proceed around
the building to a solitary spot and she drops her panties and shows
him her feathers.
 
Boy: "My, oh, my! You ARE growing feathers. Well, I'm not and I'm
     going to eat chicken salad for the rest of my natural life."
 
From then on, the girl ate peanut butter and jelly and the boy ate
his chicken salad. When they were 13, the boy unpacked his lunch.
The girl, sniffing, exclaimed, "That's not chicken salad! You said
you were going to eat chicken salad for the rest of your natural
life. What IS that stuff?"
 
To which the boy responded, "Tuna salad. I can't eat chicken salad
anymore. I'm growing feathers, too!"
 
Girl: "Let me see."
 Boy: "Oh, no! I couldn't possibly show you my feathers."
Girl: "I showed you mine."
 Boy: "Well, I guess fair is fair. You did show me yours."
 
They went around the building and he dropped his pants. The girl's
mouth dropped open and she exclaimed, "You're not only growing
feathers, you're growing the neck and the gizzards, too!"
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 2 Oct 1998 13:38:33 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Wedding Nite Prank(AdulT)
 
Irv and Esther were planning on getting married. Seeing how they
didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just
go back to their new apartment after the wedding.
 
The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing
practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a businessman,
and the third a dentist.
 
They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married
friends.
 
The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that
when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The businesman
decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their
feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't
tell anyone what he planned to do.
 
A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. "Dear
friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed
collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the
bastard that put the Novocain in the vaseline!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 2 Oct 1998 15:35:25 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Lil Johnny (adult theme)
 
  Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and 
go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy 
and Aunt Jane in a Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so
exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts
to tell his mother excitedly....
 
  "MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."
 
  Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So
Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look
and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off
her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then
Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.."
 
  At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is
such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for
supper time.  I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you
tell it tonight."
 
  At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the
undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt
Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy
was in the army."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 2 Oct 1998 21:00:40 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Mine (Puns)
 
Many years ago a friend of mine called Joe worked in the coal
mines. He would go to work early in the morning, go down the mine
to the coal face and do his eight hour stint, then come back to the
surface to get ready to come home.
 
He followed this daily routine faithfully for years on end, down
the mine in the morning and up at the end of his shift. Down then
up, down then up.
 
One day whilst he was at the coal face he swung his pick ax and the
point went deep into a rock. He eventually managed to remove the
pick ax from the rock, and as he did so he was engulfed in a deluge
of water. He was absolutely drenched by the water, and his work
mates remarked that he looked about 10 years younger since the
water had covered him. They all tried to get soaked, and those that
managed did indeed look 10 years younger.
 
He, and those of his friends who had managed to get covered by the
water, were thankful but they couldn't stop wondering why they had
only been made to look 10 years younger. Why hadn't they been made
to look 20 or 25 years younger than they really were? ... It must
be obvious that it was only a miner miracle.
 
Reply from: Jim Ertner <ertner@psnsbsn.navy.mil>
 
Stan:
 
I, too, once had a friend, Joe, who worked in the coal mines.
Unfortunately, he was killed in a freak accident when some movers
lost their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano
fell down the mine shaft and crushed Joe to death. A local composer
wrote an orchestral piece in memory of Joe: It was called "Symphony
in A Flat Miner."
 
Jim
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Oct 1998 to 3 Oct 1998
**********************************************
 
