HUMOR Digest - 1 Oct 1998 to 2 Oct 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 421 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Hunting
  2. The Wink (Pun)
  3. Reality Checks
  4. Doctor's Orders
  5. I Have No Recollection...
  6. Letter of reccomendation
  7. Wish I'd said that
  8. "Wonder" Bread and Mailman <adult>
  9. beware of dog <clean>
 10. Top Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change
 
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Date:    Thu, 1 Oct 1998 03:27:27 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Hunting
 
* It'll be hunting season soon here in the US with the usual number
  of shooting accidents.  Last year in Howard County, a hunter was
  climbing thru a fence with his gun cocked.  He was survived by
  his wife, two children and three deer.
                                - - - - -
 
*    An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am
   I glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days."
     "Don't get too excited friend." the other hunter replied.
   "I've been lost for three weeks."
                                - - - - -
 
*   An English hunter came upon a lovely young lady, completely
  nude, cavorting in a lake.  The hunter said, "I beg your pardon
  m'Lady, I'm looking for game."
    The young lass smiled and said, "Well... I'm game."  So he shot
  her.
                                - - - - -
 
*   Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs.  That
  evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point
  buck.  "Where's George ?" one of the men asked, noticing that Sam
  had returned alone.
    "He's about 6 miles back.  He tripped and broke his ankle.  I
  left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."
                                 - - - - -
 
*   After listening to the exploits of a braggart about his hunting
  skills, I managed to inject, "My favorite sport was tiger hunting
  in Africa."
    "My dear sir..." he began, using his most condescending voice,
  "there are NO tigers in Africa."
     Assuming a posture of extreme indignation, I replied, "Well of
  course not !  Not NOW !!!"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 1 Oct 1998 01:48:29 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Wink (Pun)

A certain man had a daughter who was...how do I say this
tactfully... ugly. Well, in a desperate attempt to marry her
off, this man found a available young gentleman by the name
of Herz. He invited him over to supper and, with the promise
of a large dowry, suggested Mr. Herz wink at the girl during
the meal. Unfortunately, once he saw her, no amount of money
would have coaxed him to batt his lashes....which just goes
to show you: You can lead a Herz to daughter, but you can't
make him wink.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 1 Oct 1998 07:26:55 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Reality Checks
 
"I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV,
 relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get
 paid for."   - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992
 European championships. England didn't win a game.
 
"I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months
 before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
 
"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear."
 - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
 
"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first
 showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
 
"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married."
 - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
 
"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane
 is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord
 Kelvin,   1897-9.
 
"You ought to go back to driving a truck."
 - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
 
"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel."
 - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
 
"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little."
 - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
 
"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work."
 - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown
   Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
 
"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991."
 - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report.
   It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
 
"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in
 Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
 
"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in
 explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
 
"All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun,
 April 15 1912.
 
"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
 
"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine."
 - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
 
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
 - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
 
"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all,
 safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular
 holidays for the late 1960s.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 1 Oct 1998 08:34:46 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Doctor's Orders
 
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days
later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm.
 
A couple of days later the doctor met him again, and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?  That was quite the gorgeous young
lady I saw you with!"
 
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.'"
 
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur.
Be careful."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 1 Oct 1998 08:44:37 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: I Have No Recollection...
 
 Somewhere in America, next week......
         -----------------------------------
 
 Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
 Son - What's up, Dad?
 Dad - There's a scratch down the side of the car.
       Did you do it?
 Son - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch
       the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the
       car.
 Dad - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last
       night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you
       explain the scratch?
 Son - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of
       scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car
       out last night, I did not scratch it.
 Dad - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the
       car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a
       loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and
       then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you
       scratch the car?
 Son - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I
       scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did
       "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I
       did not scratch the car.
 Dad - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the
       mailbox?
 Son - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the
       street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it
       resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was
       clearly not my intent.
 Dad - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?
 Son - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my
       original statement that I did not scratch the car.
 Dad - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get
       scratched as a result of this contact?
 Son - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
 Dad - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
 Son - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch
       the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood
       the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car...
       the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching
       occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch
       the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer
       information.
 Dad - Where in the hell did you learn to be such a smart ass?
 Son - From The President of the United States.
 Dad - I see.
                   *********************************
 
Everything stated above is completely correct...
any inconsistencies are due to fundamental flaws in reality.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 1 Oct 1998 15:36:49 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Letter of reccomendation
 
Next time you're asked to write a reference letter, think of
this...
 
The Boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:
 
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at
work in his cubicle.  Bob works independently, without wasting
company time talking to colleagues.  Bob never thinks twice about
assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given
assignments on time.  Often Bob takes extended measures to complete
his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks.  Bob is a dedicated
individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high
accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field.  I firmly
believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the
type which cannot be dispensed with.  Consequently, I duly
recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a
proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
 
Signed  ...
 
 
A memo was son sent to follow the letter:
 
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today.  Kindly read only the odd numbered
lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 1 Oct 1998 13:26:06 -0400
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@DEP.STATE.PA.US>
Subject: Wish I'd said that
 
Thanks to rec.humor.funny & geraghty@visi.net.
Copied as posted on 9-30.
 
This was taken from the front page of this morning's Richmond
Times-Dispatch (Metro Section). It seems that last night (9/23/98)
Virginia executed yet another prisoner, and for the first time in
four years, the electric chair was used (at the request of the
prisoner). One of the media witnesses, a Terry Scanlon of the
Lynchburg News & Observer, talking about the prisoner in his last
moments, is quoted as saying that the condemned "...
didn't show any resistance."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 1 Oct 1998 18:37:28 EDT
From:    J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: "Wonder" Bread and Mailman <adult>
 
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
 
1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!
2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your
     secret?
1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not
     kidding!
 
So the second old man rushed to the store.
 
Clerk: May I help you?
Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.
Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're
       done!
Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?
 
                                ***
 
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood.  When he arrived at the first house on his route he
was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope.
 
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
 
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.
 
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.  She took him by the hand,
gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and
led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with
the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
 
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles,
and fresh-squeezed orange juice.  When he was truly satisfied she
poured him a cup of steaming coffee.  As she was pouring, he
noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom
edge.
 
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar for?"
 
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would
be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you.  He said, 'Fuck him.  Give him a
dollar.'  The breakfast was my idea."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 1 Oct 1998 19:14:39 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: beware of dog <clean>
 
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign
saying; DANGER!  BEWARE OF DOG!  Posted on the glass door. Inside
he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the
cash register.
 
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?"
 
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
 
The stranger couldn't help but be amused.  "That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me.  Why in the world would you post
that sign?"
 
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over him."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 2 Oct 1998 00:45:58 EDT
From:    Michael Gaines <HonkyTonkR@AOL.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Signs That Your Life Is About To Change
 
10. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using
    radioactive material as tooth-filling.
 9. The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced.
 8. Your twelve year old daughter suddenly develops a craving for
    pickles and ice cream.
 7. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four
    bridesmaids, and six pallbearers.
 6. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replys " I'm sorry,
    I dont do autopsies".
 5. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins
    with "Dear Weenie..".
 4. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following 
    diaglogue box: "ICBM launch successful.
                    Confirm strike ?      (Y/N) ".
 3. During your commercial flight, the pilot unexpectedly mumbles
    something in arabic and immediately all the stewardesses begin
    waving machine guns.
 3. While watching the news, you spot your husband marching in a
    Gay Pride parade.
 2. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-haul van and a
    truck which looks very similiar to the one on the Beverly
    Hillbillies.
 1. You receive an invitation from the Oval Office to "chew the
    fat".
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 1 Oct 1998 to 2 Oct 1998
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