HUMOR Digest - 30 Sep 1998 to 1 Oct 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 627 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. 1994 Humor Digest
  2. Sexual innuendo
  3. Lease A Nuclear Device!
  4. Psalm 23, For Today's PC Times
  5. <HUMOR> Computer Generated Humor (Language refs)
  6. Redneck starship captains
     <off. to rednecks and starfleet officers>
  7. Wanna Date My Daughter???
  8. The Therapist (Pun)
  9. AMAZING DOG
 10. Wanna Date My Daughter?
 
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Date:    Wed, 30 Sep 1998 03:36:25 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: 1994 Humor Digest
 
Continuing my collecting HumorLists for the Archives,
I came across the following two posts. I thought y'all
might enjoy seeing them:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Nov 1994 17:19:14 -0500
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US>
Subject: Off "Kilt"-er (poss. off. to sheep)
 
Bill went brain dead and has allowed me to start posting...
here's the first:
 
Question - Why do scottsmen wear kilts?
 
Answer - The sound of a zipper spooks the sheep!
        =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Date:         Thu, 5 May 1994 09:35:31 -0400
From:         Larry Randall <randall@MAILSTORM.DOT.GOV>
Subject:      Prayer of Democrats
 
                       PSALM 1992 - 1996
                    FIRST BOOK OF DEMOCRATS
 
Bill Clinton is my Shepherd, I shall not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories
He restoreth my faith in the Republican Party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment.
Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Bread Line
I shall not go hungry.
Clinton has anointed my income with taxes.
My expenses runneth over my income.
Surly, poverty and hard living will follow me all
The days of my life.
The Democrats and I will live in a rented house forever.
But I am glad I am an American.
I am glad I am free.
But, I wish I was a dog,
And Bill Clinton was a tree.
 
 
Thought for the Day:
You can't stay young forever but you can stay immature.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Sep 1998 06:21:53 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Sexual innuendo
 
   (A friend of mine sent this to me)
 
A man and his wife are doing yard work. The husband says to his
wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores his remark.
 
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over
to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed.
 
He measures her rearend and gasps, " Geez, honey, IT IS as wide as
the grill!" Again she ignores his remark.
 
Later that night, while in bed, the husband starts to feel frisky.
He rolls over to start something with his wife and she calmly rolls
away from him saying, " If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill
for one little weiner, you're out of your mind!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Sep 1998 08:22:37 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Lease A Nuclear Device!
 
Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world
events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum
conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch
the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant
nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation?
 
Lease a nuclear device!
 
In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are
literally thousands of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with
inter-continental delivery systems going unused.
 
Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of
war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The
US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing
that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an
enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive
tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political,
economic and social well being.
 
Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally
announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time
enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your
name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret
police's encouragement.
 
Why lease?
 
By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear
technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too.
 
Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to
mention easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and
build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material.
Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your
first device before anyone takes you seriously.
 
Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky.
Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers
are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off
by shady weapons dealers?
 
Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand
the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You
could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic
sanctions or even military action.
 
With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the
weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target
yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security,
environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade
generals in your own army.
 
The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and
go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk
away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee.
(Handy for preventing those nasty coup d' etats.) You can announce
your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes
with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof of actual
delivery capability.
 
The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless you
actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the
alternatives.
 
Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very
own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like
pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy
like a nuclear trigger.
 
Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corpoaration for
more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world
power.
 
Dr. Nuketopia,
Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy
(Opinions strictly reflect the party line)
          **************************
 
     Memo to India and Pakistan:
Your "How To Be A World Superpower" memo is UPSIDE-DOWN!
"Use Nuclear Weapons" comes after "Feed At Least Half Your People." 
               -Jim Rosenberg
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Sep 1998 10:23:23 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Psalm 23, For Today's PC Times
 
The Lord and I are in a shepherd-sheep relationship, and I am in a
position of negative need.
 
He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area, and conducts me into
lateral proximity with a non-torrential aqueous accumulation.
 
He restores to original satisfaction levels my psychological
makeup.
 
Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through
the non-illuminated geological interstice of mortality, terror
sensations shall not be manifest within me due to the proximity of
omnipotence.
 
Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped-restraint module induce in
me a pleasurific mood state.
 
You design and produce a nutrient-bearing support structure in the
context of non-cooperative elements.
 
You enact a head-related folk ritual utilizing vegetable extracts,
and my beverage container exhibits inadequate volumetric
parameters.
 
Surely it must be an intrinsic non-deductible factor that your
inter-relational, emphatic, and non-vengeful attributes will pursue
me as their target focus for the duration of the current non-death
period.
 
And I will possess tenant rights in the residential facility of the
Lord on a permanently open-ended time basis
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Sep 1998 11:46:41 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Computer Generated Humor (Language refs)
 
    I have this acquaintance who is a linguist and works with
computers he recently sent me the following.
 
 
Subject:       ViaVoice
From:          Ted Caldwell <ted@cogentex.com>
Organization:  CoGenTex, Inc.
 
Her recently installed over some of IBM's ViaVoice of wear.
(I recently installed a demo version of IBM's ViaVoice software)
 
Fire from.  " It amusing so far, sort of it possible so of its " "
we're sure others say it boat.
(I have found it quite amusing so far, so I thought I'd pass on a
sample of its output - or should I say input.)
 
With text you're reading was produced by the program from white
dictation; below what is that correct version of waters for a vote
(The text you are reading was produced by the program from my
dictation; below is the typed version of what I spoke.)
 
to be fair, IBM chose the window that you meet the right kind of
microphone of the more you dream the system on your own speech, the
better it will perform.
(To be fair, IBM does point out that you need the right kind of
microphone, and the more you train the system on your own speech,
the better it will perform.)
 
I have no unfulfilled. Either of these criteria.
(I have not fulfilled either of these criteria. I doubt that I will
buy the damn thing anyway.)
 
Her-leveraged Group of potential of support for dinner, however,
given the phrases but it pulls over events which is really doing a
lot of work trying to powers what you say in to willful sentence,
and it often seems to fall  back on a survey of new business
freeze.
(I think it has great potential as a poetry generator, however,
given the odd phrases that it pulls out of its lexicon. It's really
doing a lot of work trying to parse what you say into a full
sentence, and it often seems to fall back on certain popular
business phrases.)
 
Better to of the most foreign firms are trying to give it to work.
Words like for have a share, and meeting of the first from some of
Blues for her roles driver what Hole
(Two of the most fun things are trying to get it to recognize words
like f**k and s**t, and reading it the first stanza of Lewis
Carroll's Jabberwocky:)
 
" the West Berlin and his lawyer the toll vehicular and Wimbledon
week. All means you were to borrow it will, of mole rats of greed."
('Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the
wabe. All mimsy were the borogroves, and the mome raths outgrabe.)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Sep 1998 11:02:27 -0500
From:    Michael Cornelius <michael@DSNDATA.COM>
Subject: Redneck starship captains
         <off. to rednecks and starfleet officers>
 
A mulitply-forwarded bit of humor, forwarded to me by
Agris Taurins.
 
Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...
 
- your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
- he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
- you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
- he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and
  aluminum foil
- he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
- he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing
  frequencies"
- he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above
it
- he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"
- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
- he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
- he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
- he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
- he paints the starship John Deere green
- he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
- his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale
- he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
- his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
- he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
- his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal
  of beans and weenies
- he sets phaser to "Cajun"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Sep 1998 14:45:15 EDT
From:    J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Wanna Date My Daughter???
 
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's
father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on
his daughter's chest.  He would open the door and immediately
affect ma good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a
handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon
into diamonds.
 
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad.  Remembering how
unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my
best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto:
wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
 
"So," I'll call out jovially.  "I see you have your nose pierced.
Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR
stupid?"
 
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two
stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
 
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
 
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.
 
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you and
all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten
sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, In order to assure
that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of
your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and
fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
 
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.  Let me
elaborate:  when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill
you.
 
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about
sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do
this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and
the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
 
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay
with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is
finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
 
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If
you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer
than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing
there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in
my car?
 
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool.  Places where there are no parents, policemen,
or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where
the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to
wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's
apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be
avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.  Hockey games are
okay.
 
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find
me attempting to get her date to recite these eight  simple rules
from memory.  I'd be embarrassed too -- there are only eight of
them, for crying out loud!  And, for the record, I did NOT suggest
to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his
arm if he couldn't remember them.  (I checked into it and the cost
is prohibitive.)  I merely told him that I thought writing the
rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate -- ink
washes off -- and that my wood burning set was probably a better
alternative.
 
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-
be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car,
and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number
one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen
times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy.  "Don't you
remember being that age?" she challenged.
 
Of course I remember.  Why do you think I came up with the eight
simple rules?
 
 
Archivist's Note:  This post was included in the Digest originally
                   without the proper credit.  It was written by:
                   Bruce Cameron in his "Cameron Column #76"
                   <www.wbrucecameron.com>
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Sep 1998 11:59:49 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Therapist (Pun)
 
A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid
he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his
therapist that every time he got near her he felt like nothing more
than a tiny pebble.
 
"Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl
you'll just have to be a little boulder!"
 
------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 30 Sep 1998 14:32:37 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: AMAZING DOG
 
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.  His
search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water
to retrieve a duck.  Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his
friends would ever believe him.  He decided to try to break the
news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to
hunt with him and his new dog.
 
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.  They fired,
and a duck fell.  The dog responded and jumped into the water. The
dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to
retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
 
The friend saw every-thing but did not say a single word.  On the
drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything
unusual about my new dog?"
 
"I sure did," responded his friend.  "He can't swim.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 30 Sep 1998 22:19:58 EDT
From:    Eric Barr <EricBarr@AOL.COM>
Subject: Wanna Date My Daughter?
 
 [Post deleted - duplicate of one with same title in this Digest]
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Sep 1998 to 1 Oct 1998
***********************************************
 
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