HUMOR Digest - 28 Sep 1998 to 29 Sep 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 340 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The 90's <some innuendo>
  2. His And Her ATM Habits (off. to women)
  3. Metric Cliches
  4. Shipwrecked! <adult>
  5. HUMOR: more clintons <still offensive>
  6. The new arrival <adult>
  7. Cigar, anyone? <adult>
  8. The Singing Sword (Pun)
  9. 3 in Heaven <clean>
 
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Date:    Mon, 28 Sep 1998 04:01:16 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The 90's <some innuendo>
 
* The US Postal Service announced a one-third increase in their
  efficiency.  Great !  Now they lose our letters 3 times faster.
                          - - - - -
 
* Even today porn movies abound.  Well, all except porn mysteries.
  Directors decided the plot was too thin -- everybody did it.
                          - - - - -
 
* In spite of poor health, the Pope is still giving public
  speeches.  Just last week, thousands of people gave him a
  kneeling ovation.
                          - - - - -
 
* Pollution is out of control in the US.  Just last week a dam gave
  way in Mississippi, but the lake didn't.
                          - - - - -
 
* Many a modern miss gets along just fine with her mother-in-law.
  She has to, the couple can't afford day care for the kids.
                          - - - - -
 
* In the old days young women would put something behind their ears
  to attract a man; then it was perfume -- now, it's their legs.
                          - - - - -
 
* America is indeed losing the war on poverty...
  The Yuppies keep fraternizing with the enemy.
                          - - - - -
 
* The US has had a major influx of Mexican doctors.  They're easy
  to spot though.  They write their prescriptions with spray paint.
                          - - - - -
 
* A Yuppie took his wife to BWI for a flight to Richmond.  He
  fought his way back to Columbia from the airport, went in the
  house and read his e-mail.  A note from his wife said she had
  arrived safely.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293

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Date:    Mon, 28 Sep 1998 07:09:25 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: His And Her ATM Habits (off. to women)
 
 HIS
 1. Pull up to ATM
 2. Insert card
 3. Enter PIN number and account
 4. Take cash, card and receipt
 
 
 HER
 1.  Pull up to ATM
 2.  Check makeup in rearview mirror
 3.  Shut off engine
 4.  Put keys in purse
 5.  Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
 6.  Hunt for card in purse
 7.  Insert card
 8.  Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
 9.  Enter PIN number
 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
 11. Hit "cancel"
 12. Re-enter correct PIN number
 13. Check balance
 14. Look for envelope
 15. Look in purse for pen
 16. Make out deposit slip
 17. Endorse checks
 18. Make deposit
 19. Study instructions
 20. Make cash withdrawal
 21. Get in car
 22. Check makeup
 23. Look for keys
 24. Start car
 25. Check makeup
 26. Start pulling away
 27. STOP
 28. Back up to machine
 29. Get out of car
 30. Take card and receipt
 31. Get back in car
 32. Put card in wallet
 33. Put receipt in checkbook
 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
 36. Check makeup
 37. Put car in gear, reverse
 38. Put car in drive
 39. Drive away from machine
 40. Travel 3 miles
 41. Release parking brake
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 28 Sep 1998 08:33:00 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Metric Cliches
 
Some believe that the world converting to the metric system would
greatly simplify our measures. But look what would really happen to
our old cliches...
 
* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.
 
Obviously there will be more on this important issue still to come!
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 28 Sep 1998 09:42:52 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Shipwrecked! <adult>
 
   A fighter pilot, a pig, and a dog were the only survivors of a
terrible shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert
island. After being there awhile, they got into a ritual of going
to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
   One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -  a perfect night for
romance!  Well, that pig started looking better and better to the
fighter pilot, so he leaned toward it and put his arm around it.
The dog became jealous and growled fiercely at the fighter pilot,
until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the
sunsets together, but no more cuddling.
   A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was
in pretty bad shape when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed
her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced
her to their evening beach ritual.
   It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm
gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. The fighter pilot
started getting those "ideas" again, so he leaned toward the girl
and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a
walk?"
               ****************************
 
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has
spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart
everybody?"                             --Jon Stewart
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 28 Sep 1998 10:28:20 -0400
From:    "Lara B. Little" <llittle@EMAIL.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: more clintons <still offensive>
 
Ben & Jerry's flavors...or Clinton Nicknames?
 
 Slick Willie
 Chunky Monkey
 Double Nut Joy
 Subpoenas 'n' Cream
 Impeach-Mint
 Candy Pants
 Chocolate Chip Doughboy
 Chilly Hillbilly
 Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl
 Vanilla
 Pantsachio
 Subpoena Colada
 Biscuits 'n' Gravy
 Horny Bubba Crunch
 Arkansas Peach
 Subpoena Butter Cup
 Peppermint Fattie
 Captain Cream
 Fat Ass
 Tubby Bubba
 Hillary Chiller
 Fundraising Coffee
 Oval Office Surprise
 Arkansas Smoothie
 Hyperactive Nuts
 Scandalberry
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 28 Sep 1998 15:41:50 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: The new arrival <adult>
 
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing
in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
 
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
  Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
       You a drinkin' man?
  Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all
       we do is drink.  Whiskey, tequilai Guinness, wine coolers,
       diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink
       some more. And if you drink yourself to death, it's okay...
       you're already dead anyway! Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
  Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
       cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you
       get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead anyway!
  Guy: No shit!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
  Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack,
       horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker
       table.
  Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
  Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
       big bowl of crack.  Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
       You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's
       okay... you're already dead anyway!
  Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
  Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays...
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 28 Sep 1998 16:58:47 PDT
From:    Mark Huth <mhuth@RODGERS.RAIN.COM>
Subject: Cigar, anyone? <adult>
 
Much has been made of the Clinton/Lewinsky cigar controversy, but
I'm still convinced that it is still a simple misunderstanding.
 
I think Bill just didn't understand Monica when she mentioned that
she had always wanted to have a cuban inside her.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 28 Sep 1998 18:57:39 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Singing Sword (Pun)
 
You have heard many things of that great sword excalibur but have
you ever heard of its Irish cousin excalibrogue.  Now unlike his
cousin excalibur excalibrogue was a singing sword.  The sword was
taken up by the future king of ireland.  As in his cousin's tale
excalibrogue led his bearer Aaron to many great victories.
 
Unfortunately for history's sake one night Aaron left the sword too
close to the fire.
 
After that excalibrogues song was off key and things started going
wrong for poor Aaron.  He lost his army.  He lost his castles.
Finally the devil himself came and stole his last cent.  Aaron
turned to the sword and begged for answers.  The sword said.  "You
should have known there'd be hell to pay... when I lost my temper."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 28 Sep 1998 19:27:07 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: 3 in Heaven <clean>
 
     (From the Joker)
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane
crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went
to the pearly gates together.
 
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think
we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences
that happen.  St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting
you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just
yet and we can't send you back."
 
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is
Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we
weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I
was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a
couple of days. I'll owe you one."
 
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.  BUT...  Two days later...
 
"Pete, this is Lucifer.  Hey you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving
everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy
air conditioning."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Sep 1998 to 29 Sep 1998
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