HUMOR Digest - 27 Sep 1998 to 28 Sep 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 615 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Weekly Traffic Report
  2. The Powerbook That Leaked
  3. Biblical Humour
  4. Humor: Year 2K ditty <clean>
  5. Earlier posted "Quote of the Day"
  6. appropriate answer
  7. Some Short Tales (Puns)
  8. More venting about Bill, Ken, Monica, and Linda, part 3
  9. Joke-Rated : light
 10. Attitude <clean>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Date:    Sun, 27 Sep 1998 04:11:58 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Weekly Traffic Report
 
Good Morning y'all, here I am again with this week's Traffic
Report. This is the Weekly Traffic Report that is sent to all of
the Humor List subscribers once a month.
 
I'm happy to announce the launching of a new Web Site exclusively
for the Humor List.  The original Digests for 1997-1998, in text
format; are now ready for your viewing pleasure at:
 
                 www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
 
Updates are provided daily, and you can still use Doug Harter's
Index directly from the site.  Doug was able to make a lot of
changes so his index would work with either the zip site or the new
text one.  Once again, thanks for your work Doug.
 
Right now, all that's on the UGA site are the Digests and the
Traffic Reports; Bios and well as pics of your ListOwners are there
too. The possibilities for expansion are endless.  Any ideas y'all
have are more than welcome. Eventually, I hope to post all of the
Digests ever mailed.
 
No grammar/spelling was corrected, nor was any humor edited or
deleted. You will however not find any illegal posts or illegal
subscription ads. Where possible, margins were made better use of
and unnecessary blank lines were eliminated.
 
Any assistance y'all care to give in promoting the site will be
greatly appreciated.  Subscription and "unsubscribe" instructions
are right on the main page.  A list of all e-mail commands will be
added soon.
 
A special thanks is due our own Rainy (Rainybow)
wett@communique.net for her assistance in obtaining the CrossWinds
site.
 
The 1997-1998 Digests, in zip format, will continue to be posted at
my GeoCities site:   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
and will continue to be updated weekly.
 
                                                JimJr
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     Traffic Report for HUMOR, 20 Sept 1998 - 26 Sept 1998
 
                      (Number of articles posted each day)
                   Last   3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Past
Date   Day         Year     Back     Back     Back     Week
 
 23  Sunday          8        6       13        8       10
 24  Monday         11       21       14       10       10
 25  Tuesday        10       16       13       10       12
 26  Wednesday       9       15       18       10       16
 27  Thursday       15       20       13       16       11
 28  Friday         14       16        8        9       16
 29  Saturday        6       12       13       13       11
 
   (Average)        10       15       13       11       12
Subscriptions    8,848    7,602    7,627    7,585    7,639
Countries          101      111      123      121      120
Contributors       714      607      613      610      609
 
These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR by other than direct
mailings.  The numbers include concealed/non-concealed subscribers.
 
       The HumorList is sent daily to the following countries:
 
Argentina,  Australia, Austria,  Bahrain, Bangladesh,  Belarus,
Belgium,  Belize,  Bermuda, Bhutan,  Bolivia, Botswana, Brazil,
Brunei, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Colombia, Cook Islands,
Costa Rica, Croatia, Cuba, Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark,
Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, England, Estonia,
Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia,
Germany, Greece, Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland,
India, Indonesia, Iran, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan,
Jordan,  Kazakhstan,  Kenya,  Korea, Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon,
Liechtenstein,  Lithuania,  Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta,
Mauritius,  Mexico,  Moldova,  Morocco,  Mozambique,  Namibia,
Netherlands,  New Zealand,  Nigeria,  Northern Ireland,  Norway,
Oman, Pakistan, Panama, Peru,  Philippines, Poland, Portugal,
Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia,  Scotland,  Singapore,
Slovakia, Slovenia, South Africa,  Spain,  Sri Lanka,  Suriname,
Sweden,  Switzerland,  Taiwan, Thailand, Tanzania,  Trinidad and
Tobago,  Tunisia,  Turkey,   Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates,
Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Wales, Zambia, Zimbabwe
(plus our ListServer has 8 countries shown as "unknown")
 
Total countries: 120
 
           Email me if your country is not listed here.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
HUMOR GOALS
 
A daily average of 10-20 examples of humor
A diversity of humor: sources, forms, subjects
Freedom of expression for contributors
Protection of sensitivities for readers (heading warning
requirement)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
 
To Subscribe to the Humor List:
 
Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter,
type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A few of the more widely used commands:
 
Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the letter, type:
 
   GET HUMOR GUIDE           to become a contributor
   QUERY HUMOR               to check your settings
   SIGNOFF HUMOR             to leave the main list (unsubscribe)
   SIGNOFF HUMOR-P           to leave the contributor's list
   SET HUMOR NOMAIL          to stop mail for a temporary period
   SET HUMOR MAIL            to receive humor as it is posted
   SET HUMOR DIGEST          to get daily collections of humor
                             (default)
 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
To verify current addresses, our server randomly selects
subscribers and sends an e-mail to verify the addresses.
Subscribers need take no action when such a message is received.
 
Errors returned from your Server to our ListServer may cause your
name to be dropped from the list.  If you feel, at any time, that
you have been dropped from the list, or have stopped receiving mail
from the ListServer, simply resubscribe.  You will not receive
duplicate mailings to the same address; if you're already
subscribed, the ListServer will verify that.
 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Archived Files:
 
A complete set of the UGA Humor Digests for 1997-1998,
with the original Subject indexes for easy searching:
 
                [original text format]
     http://www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
 
      [original text compressed to zip format]
     http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
And now for a contribution of humor:
 
Some people in other countries don't understand the US movie rating
system.  I thought as a public service, I'd explain it here today:
 
 G - Nobody gets the girl
PG - Somebody gets the girl to undress (at least partially)
 R - Somebody gets the girl, but nobody sees it actually happen
 X - Everybody gets the girl
 
                Jim Moore Jr;  HumorList Traffic Reporter
                           jimjr@qis.net
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Sep 1998 08:47:14 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The Powerbook That Leaked
 
In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a dead
PowerBook. Fault description: hangs on startup. An additional
symptom provided was: whilst being carried from the customer's site
to our service center, a 'sloshing' noise was heard within the
machine.
 
"Has anything been split on this computer?" I inquired, but no,
nothing of the sort had happened, protested the client vehemently.
Taking this with a grain of salt (no one's going to admit doing
something that totally invalidates their warranty and effectively
wrecks their computer) I went about filling in the repair order.
 
Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up. Sure enough, an
address error on startup, just after 'Welcome to Macintosh'. I
lowered my ear to the keyboard, at which point I heard a crackling
noise (couldn't hear any sloshing noise though) and became aware of
a rather 'sharp' odor which seemed to emanate from the inside of
the machine. Flicking the computer off and unplugging the adapter,
I removed the battery from its compartment, only to observe that
the entire battery casing was soaked in a fluid which appear to
have a rainbow-like sheen (kind of like what a puddle of soapy
water would look like -- oily and colorful).
 
I also noticed that the same fluid was leaking out of the battery
compartment onto the static mat, but appeared clear rather than
multi-colored. My first thoughts were that the battery had somehow
leaked acid out into the guts of the PowerBook, which would account
for the sharp smell (which reminded me of ammonia), yet the battery
terminals were about the one part of the battery that was dry.  No,
upon closer examination, I ruled the acid theory out. The battery
was wet, but not leaking.
 
Tipping the machine on its side, I watched more fluid run out and
coagulate on the bench in a puddle about the size of a compact
disc. It was definitely clear, and I observed that the 'rainbow'
effect had been caused by the reaction of the plastic battery
casing to this 'mystery liquid'. I then unscrewed the computer and
separated the two parts of the PowerBook. The smell suddenly became
a LOT stronger. The hard disk looked like a solid lump of rust, and
the daughterboard appeared to have about three barbecued chips.
Although I was quickly forming my own opinions on what had
happened, I invited several of my workmates in to take a sniff and
offer an opinion.
 
We were unanimous in our decision. I rang the customer, who seemed
surprised when I asked the question: "Do you have a cat?" As it
turned out, he didn't have a cat, but he did have a lovely fluffy
bunny rabbit who was seen in the vicinity of the PowerBook only the
day before. Yes, there was no doubt about it, little fluffy had
hopped up onto the keyboard and downloaded some incompatible data.
I checked the warranty form, but there was no provision for failure
due to rabbit urine anywhere.
 
I advised the customer to get in touch with his insurance company.
In the end, the PowerBook was biffed and the customer upgraded. I
cleaned up the static mat and sprayed the service department with a
healthy dosage of "Fresh Field of Flowers." I checked in with the
customer about a week later, asked how was he enjoying the new
powerbook, asked if he'd managed to restore his data, and, of
course, asked how was his rabbit?
 
"Delicious," he said.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Sep 1998 09:29:00 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Biblical Humour
 
The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual
students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:
                        ------------------------
 
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
 
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
 
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
 
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
 
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by
night.
 
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
 
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.
 
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
 
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread without any ingredients.
 
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
 
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
 
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
 
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
 
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
 
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
 
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.
 
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
 
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.
 
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
 
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.
 
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found
Jesus in the manager.
 
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
 
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
 
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you.
 
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
 
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.
 
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
 
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
 
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
 
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which
is another name for marriage.
 
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
                 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
                      Adam Talks To God
 
   One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after
eating the apple and wondered about men and women. So looking up to
the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few
questions?"
   GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to
create."
   So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body
so curvaceous and tender unlike mine?"
   "I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
   "Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair
and not me?"
   "I did that Adam so that you could love her."
   "Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so
that I could love her?"
   "Well Adam, No. I did that so that she could love you."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Sep 1998 10:32:30 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Year 2K ditty <clean>
 
(From another list)
 
 Y2K Castaways
 By Tom Ervin
 
 To the theme-song of the Gilligan's Island TV show
 
 1. Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
    Of the doom that is our fate.
    That started when programmers used
    Two digits for a date.
    Two digits for a date.
 
 2. Main memory was smaller then;
    Hard disks were smaller, too.
    "Four digits are extravagant,
    So let's get by with two.
    So let's get by with two."
 
 3. "This works through 1999,"
    The programmers did say.
    "Unless we rewrite before that
    It all will go away.
    It all will go away."
 
 4. But Management had not a clue:
    "It works fine now, you bet!
    A rewrite is a straight expense;
    We won't do it just yet.
    We won't do it just yet."
 
 5. Now when 2000 rolls around
    It all goes straight to hell,
    For zero's less than ninety-nine,
    As anyone can tell.
    As anyone can tell.
 
 6. The mail won't bring your pension check
    It won't be sent to you
    When you're no longer sixty-eight,
    But minus thirty-two.
    But minus thirty-two.
 
 7. The problems we're about to face
    Are frightening, for sure.
    And reading every line of code's
    The only certain cure.
    The only certain cure.
 
    (key change, big finish)
 
 8. There's not much time,
    There's too much code.
    And Cobol-coders, few)
    When the century is finished with,
    We may be finished, too.
    We may be finished, too.
 
 9. Eight thousand years from now I hope
    That things weren't left too late,
    And people aren't then lamenting
    Four digits for a date.
    Four digits for a date.
 
 
          -Tom Ervin
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Sep 1998 11:02:44 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Earlier posted "Quote of the Day"
 
Just finished reading an exchange of messages on the news library
listserv I belong to.  Seems that one of the librarians finally
called the 60 Minute folks.  Ken Starr was never on the show.
It's a hoax.
 
                   -----Original Message-----
 
"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions
of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who
provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it
has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to
know'."
 
Kenneth Starr, 1987, "Sixty Minutes" interview with Dianne Sawyer.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Sep 1998 23:12:20 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: appropriate answer
 
To my best knowledge, this really happened;
maybe I should crosspost it to alt.education.examples!
 
Downtown, this guy was taking a walk with his sweetheart. Suddenly,
a brand new Jeep Wrangler passes by, four guys inside. One of them
yells: "Fuck her, ya jerk". And then the 4WD goes along.
 
The next morning, the Jeep is parked in front of a block, and on
one side is scratched with a key all along the car: "I DID fuck
her!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Sep 1998 16:20:47 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Some Short Tales (Puns)
 
                           Parking
 
Have you ever had the experience of parking in a one hour zone,
inserting the coins, then finding yourself, forty-five minutes
later, still in line at the bank? At such times, you might suddenly
find religion, and fervently pray that... you will make your
meter.
 
 
                         Court of Law
 
   A young punk is at the court of law, making faces and behaving
badly. The judge looks at him for a while, then asking: "Young man,
what time is it?`"
   "Why man, five to ten!"
   ... "That's what you get"
 
 
                    The Environmentalists
 
I understand the some of the local environmentalists are getting
together to prevent the cutting down of a local forest. They are
going to go out and wrap their arms around the threatened trees and
make themselves one with the forest. Despite being invited to take
part, I decided not to participate.  With my luck,  ... I am likely
to make an ash of myself
 
 
                         The Traveler
 
A man visiting Scotland one day drove through Fife. Feeling hungry,
he stopped at a chinese restaurant he was passing. The food he ate
there was by far the tastiest food he had ever eaten, so when he
asked for the bill, he was astounded to find out that there was no
charge. The waiter simply told him, ...  "The best Ying's in Fife
are free."
 
 
                         The Farmer's Son
 
Farmer Brown's son George went to the big city to make his fortune.
Unfortunately he became a stockbroker, and on last October 20, he
found himself reduced to shining shoes for a living. At the same
time, a run of unusually good weather resulted in an abundance of
late hay down on the farm.  So, in this story,  ... the farmer
makes hay, while the son shines
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 27 Sep 1998 23:24:12 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: More venting about Bill, Ken, Monica, and Linda, part 3
 
Despite all that has happened, Hillary is always smiling. Shouldn't
we investigate that?
 
Bill Clinton was my new hero only for a couple of days. Then I read
about the sexual exploits of Evander Holyfield.
 
I remember him now. Kenny Starr was that chubby nerd who sat on the
front row waving his hand in the air each time the teacher had to
go down the hall, yelling, "Teacher, teacher, pleasse let me take
names again!"
 
I've noticed that the people who are blaming Ken Starr for
Clinton's problems are the same ones who blamed the cop for their
last speeding ticket.
 
It is only a matter of judgement, but Kenneth Starr seems to
have discretion of a Barney Fife
 
Nothing personal, Mr. President, but when you are caught having sex
on the job, you tend to get fired from that job.
 
Forget the Starr report, I'm going to wait for the movie.
 
Do you know what's it's like having to got through life these days
when your name in Monica?
 
Do you know what's it's like being an intern these days?
 
Now you see what's wrong with electing a former hippie into office.
 
Mr. Clinton, really, we'll be fine. You can leave.
 
I have watched the inquisition by Starr's Vicious Voyeurs and
Peeping Toms and I will never vote  Republican again.
 
I never really understood the term "prurient interests" until
Keenth Starr came along.
 
We elect someone to be president, with a finger on "the button,"
and then the opposition spends four years trying to drive him
insane. Am I the only one nervous about that?
 
Congress needs to get back to what's important, like limiting the
number of times per month that TBS can show "Jaws" and "Terms of
Endearment."
 
Dumbing down has reached a new low. We have a Rhodes scholar in the
White House who cannot define sex.
  
So now we know what Henry had to hide.
 
Let's stop the impeachment hearings and start the treason hearings
for those plotting to overthrow the president.
 
Help! Does anyone know where I can get the Cliffs Notes on the
Starr report?
 
The Republican congressman who said that the tape would be
devastating to Clinto must not have watched it.
 
Are there even any Republicans who think Linda Tripp is a friendly
person?
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 28 Sep 1998 10:33:25 +0530
From:    "RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/WRO" <NIKHILRAO@ICICI.COM>
Subject: Joke-Rated : light
 
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark
forest.
 
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn,
I wish I had a flashlight."
 
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten
minutes!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 28 Sep 1998 10:59:39 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Attitude <clean>
 
"Hit me please", said the masochist to the sadist.
"No", said the sadist,enjoying it.
"Thank you so much", said the masochist.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Sep 1998 to 28 Sep 1998
************************************************
 
