HUMOR Digest - 26 Sep 1998 to 27 Sep 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 428 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. 1993 Humor Digest
  2. Curiosity < adult >
  3. India jokes<offensive to Indians>
  4. Back To School
  5. Bumper Stickers
  6. English
  7. CLINTON & MONICA (ADULT)
  8. HUMOR: Kenneth Starr and Larry Flynt
  9. Whale Tale <adult innuendo>
 10. Jerry Seinfeld on Homophobia...
 11. Two Old Yankees (Pun)
 
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Date:    Sat, 26 Sep 1998 03:32:02 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: 1993 Humor Digest
 
As y'all know, I've been collecting old Digests for a Web Archive.
I happened upon an early post by our List's Founder and thought
y'all might enjoy seeing it. The Humor List had approximately 850
members at the time this post was written.
                        =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
              Date:     Mon, 14 Jun 1993 19:09:04 EDT
              From:     Bill Edwards <BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET>
              Subject:  Ethnic humor from a Norwegian source
                        <nation sensitive>
 
Special note: Sara Pummelhart posted the 1000th post last Thursday
              that's an important milestone for this young list.    
 
                    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Two Norwegians, two Swedes, and two Danes were stranded on a desert
island. When the rescue party arrived two months later, the
Norwegians were fighting, the Danes had formed a cooperative, and
the Swedes were still waiting to be introduced.
                        =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
A citizen of Oxford, England, moved to London, where he soon found
himself a little bit too superior to the rest of the population. So
in order to fit in to the environment, he had to do a surgery to
remove half of his brain.
 
Very well, he went to a hospital to get it done. The surgeon,
however, made a mistake during the operation, and instead of
removing _half_ of the brain, he removed the whole thing. When the
patient woke up, his first word was "Howdy!
                        =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
The Dane, the Swede, and the Norwegian were arguing about which
country was most advanced in medicine.
 
"Well, in our hospitals," the Dane bragged, "we had a lady who had
lost her arm. We put in a mechanical arm, and now it works just as
if it was her own!"
 
"Hah, that's nothing," said the Swede. "In our hospitals, we had a
person without a heart. We put in an artificial one, and now he is
running for the olympics!"
 
"Hahaha," said the Norwegian. "We had a person who had gotten his
head chopped off. We put on a cabbage, and now he is in the
parliament!"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Sep 1998 14:44:11 +0530
From:    Dilip Nathani <Dilip_Nathani@RIL.COM>
Subject: Curiosity < adult >
 
   A young teenager runs into the house and asks her mother, "Is it
true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that
boy's thingies go in?"
   "Yes," replied her mother pleased that the embarassing subject
had finally come up and she didn't have to explain.
   "Oh God! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Sep 1998 06:17:24 PDT
From:    r s <jeetay@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: India jokes<offensive to Indians>
 
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large
crowd gathered. A Hindu newspaper reporter anxious to get his story
could not get near the car. Being a clever sort , he started
shouting loudly,  " Let me through ! Let me through ! I am the son
of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the
car was a donkey.
               --------------------------
 
A huge and big sized Hindu gets on a train in India , shouts " I
am the son of a lion !"  and manhandles a weak and sickly Muslim by
pushing him out of his seat. The meek Muslim stands for the whole
journey for the better part of a day.
 
Finally the Hindu gets up and leaves the train. As the train starts
off the Muslim looks out of the window and yells at the bullying
Hindu, " Did your mother go into the jungle or did the lion come
to your house?"
               --------------------------
 
Indian film star Jeetendra recalls a time when his phone rings and
he picks it up.
"Is your refrigerator running ?" the voice at the other end asks.
Taken aback, Jeetendra replies , " Yes, it is."
"Then why don't you run after it." comes the retort.
 
 
http://members.xoom.com/RanjeetSingh/main.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Sep 1998 10:06:30 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Back To School
 
          'Twas the night before school started!
 
'Twas the night before school started
When all through the town
The parents were cheering.
It was a riotous sound.
 
By eight the kids were washed
And tucked into bed
When memories of homework
Filled them with dread
 
New pencils, new folders,
New notebooks, too,
New teachers, new friends-
Their anxiety grew.
 
The parents just giggled
When they learned of this fright
And shouted, "Upstairs!
GO TO BED!  IT'S A SCHOOL NIGHT!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Sep 1998 10:40:49 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Bumper Stickers
 
 Clones are people two.
 
 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
 
 Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
 
 Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
 
 Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
 
 A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
 
 A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
 
 Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor.
 
 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
 Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
 
 COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
 
 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
 
 Editing is a rewording activity.
 
 Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
 
 Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
 
 Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
 
 I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
 
 My reality check just bounced.
 
 Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
 
 What if there were no hypothetical questions?
 
 Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
 
 No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
 
 Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!
 
 My other wife is beautiful.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Sep 1998 17:26:25 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: English
 
Here is a report regarding the preferred language for european
communications.
               ===========================
 
The News Standard has received this bulletin fresh from our
Brussels-based hack
 
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement
has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for
European communications, rather than German, which was the other
possibility.
 
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded
that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as
EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
 
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.
 
Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will
this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
 
There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year,
when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make
words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
 
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil
agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is
disgrasful, and they would go.
 
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v. During ze fifz year, ze
unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar
changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
 
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil
be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech ozer.
 
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Sep 1998 11:27:19 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: CLINTON & MONICA (ADULT)
 
Q. What's the difference between Clinton and Lewinsky?
A. Clinton doesn't know how to come clean.
   Monica doesn't know how to clean cum.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Sep 1998 15:23:43 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Kenneth Starr and Larry Flynt
 
This news just in from a friend:
 
In a final bit of irony, Reuters says Larry Flynt, publisher of
Hustler magazine, offered Kenneth Starr a job yesterday.
 
"After a reading of the Starr report I am impressed by the
salacious and voyeuristic nature of your work," Flynt wrote in a
letter to the Special Prosecutor. "I congratulate you for having
opened the doors of libraries and schools to pornographic
literature."
 
Flynt noted in his letter that the Starr report contains 50
references to genitalia, while this month's Hustler only has 44.
 
To be fair to the report -- not to mention those who've waded
through that massive tome in search of the naughty parts -- we're
talking a mere 50 mentions in 445 pages of dense, unillustrated
text.
 
Mostly boring text, I might add.
 
Flynt may want to reconsider the notion of hiring a lawyer to write
porn for him.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Sep 1998 18:52:14 EDT
From:    J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Whale Tale <adult innuendo>
 
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of
Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized
it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years
earlier.
 
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and
blow out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship
to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship
turned over and quickly sank.
 
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the
safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were
going to get away and told the female, "Lets swim after them and
gobble them up before they reach the shore".
 
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to
follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but
I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Sep 1998 19:09:34 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Jerry Seinfeld on Homophobia...
 
     From the book "SeinLauguage", by Jerry Seinfeld...
 
What causes homophobia?  What is it that makes the heterosexual man
worry about this?  I think it's because deep down all men know that
we have weak sales resistance.  We're constantly buying shoes that
hurt us, pants that don't fit right.  Men think, "Obviously, I can
be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wanter into some
sort of homosexual store thinking its a shoe store and the salesman
says, 'Just hold this guys hand, walk around a little bit, see how
it feels.  No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 26 Sep 1998 17:17:49 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Two Old Yankees (Pun)
 
In the days preceding the Civil War, the Union Army sensed that
trouble was brewing just south of the Mason-Dixon line.  A request
for bids for Army uniforms was circulated, and the winning bid was
submitted by an established garment manufacturer just north of that
famous boundary.
 
The Confederates attacked Fort Sumter, and the Northern army issued
a call for volunteers.  Included among those eager to serve the
North were two elderly gentlemen of such an advanced age that their
offer to fight was politely declined.
 
They persisted in their patriotic efforts to such an extent that
General Sherman heard of their loyalty and patriotism. He summoned
them, commended them for their devotion to Duty, Honor and Country,
and then offered them the opportunity to serve in the war effort by
working in the plant that supplied uniforms to the Army.
 
They accepted the offer with mixed emotions - happy to serve on one
hand, but dejected that they were considered too old to fight.
They reported to the factory, and were given the responsibility of
coloring the fabric that was to be cut and sewn into Union Army
uniforms.  Day in, day out, they mixed the blue dye and added it to
the vats where the fabric was soaking...

The tide of battle waxed and waned, the Yankees pushed south, the
Rebels pushed north, & eventually the Confederate forces crossed
the Mason-Dixon line & captured, among other facilities, the
garment manufacturing plant.
 
The order was given to convert all Union manufacturing to
Confederate specifications - the personnel in the garment plant
were provided with appropriate buttons, braid and insignia of rank,
and the existing fabric was to be faded from Union blue to
Confederate gray.  Those chosen for the task were our elderly
heroes who had diligently dyed the fabric in the first place.
These patriots steadfastly refused to reverse the coloring process,
and were given the choice of fading the fabric or being
incarcerated in a nearby prison camp. They chose to be imprisoned
rather than serve their Rebel captors.
 
The tide of battle waxed and waned, the Yankees pushed south, the
Rebels pushed north, the Yankees pushed south and eventually the
Yankee forces recaptured the garment manufacturing plant and, among
other facilities, the Prisoner-Of-War camp.
 
After the prisoners had been liberated, news of the defiance of the
soldier-wannabes reached General Grant.  General Grant summoned the
two patriots, awarded them medals for their bravery and advised
them that if they still wanted to fight, they could suit up, get
their weapons and join the next sortie against the Rebels.
 
They tearfully accepted the offer and went forth to join the fray,
and to this day it is still said that ...
old dyers never fade -- they just soldier away.
 
     -By Jim Arnett
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Sep 1998 to 27 Sep 1998
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