HUMOR Digest - 25 Sep 1998 to 26 Sep 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 765 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Assorted Put Downs
  2. How to be annoying
  3. Lawyer joke  (offensive to lawyers)
  4. Chaiya Chaiya...<for Indian audiences>
  5. FDA warnings on alcohol bottles <Mostly clean. Sobering, too>
  6. Computer Breasts (adult)
  7. Wedding Night Pratical Jokes
  8. Humor:Real life...mine
  9. Take this cigar and shove it!
 10. THE pEt
 11. Mealy-mouthed questions & comments about current events
 12. Thesaurus & Movie Mania <adult>
 13. Geologically Speaking
 14. Academe Today... {adult reference}
 15. Redneck wives (off to them and their husbands)
 16. PUNY Riddles 2
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 03:25:15 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Assorted Put Downs
 
* Let me tell ya, y'all are OK in my book...
  of course y'all can imagine what kind of books I read
 
* Hey !  Let's play "Post Office"...
  you can be a lost letter
 
* They threw ________ a big dinner at work...
  unfortunately they missed
 
* So many of y'all have a lot of humor in you...
  too bad you can't find a way to let it out
 
* If I gave you a going-away present...
  would you ?
 
* ______ went to the hospital yesterday...
  for his/her annual autopsy
 
* I went to ________'s wedding. Nobody wanted to give her away...
  they had to hold an auction
 
* ________ takes an awful lot of abuse...
  and rightly so !
 
* ________ said he/she wanted to find himself/herself...
  BOY !  Will he/she be disappointed when he/she does
 
* About the only person who thinks ________ is a "10"
  is her shoe salesman
 
* Her body has everything...
  including four or five things that no other body ever had before
 
* She was so ugly...
  the ladies' room attendants always ask for ID
 
* I'm not saying she's fat...
  but she had to have her portrait done by Rand McNally
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 09:51:57 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: How to be annoying
 
 1) If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen
    while talking to others.
 
 2) Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
 
 3) Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch
    paper, 99 copies.
 
 4) Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
 
 5) Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
 
 6) Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU
    think..."
 
 7) Declare your apartment an independent nation and sue your
    upstairs neighbours for violating your airspace.
 
 8) Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener
    that "it was a real hoot."
 
 9) Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if
    people play along to avoid looking ignorant.
 
10) Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
    prophecy."
 
11) Wear a hip holster for your remote.
 
12) Don't add any inflection to the end of your sentences,
    producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be
    saying more any moment.
 
13) Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over
    your ears.
 
14) Staple papers in the middle of the page.
 
15) Produce a rental video consisting entirely of FBI copyright
    warnings.
 
16) Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
 
17) Write the surprise ending to a novel on it's first page.
 
18) Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
 
19) Dress only in clothes coloured Hunter's Orange.
 
20) TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
 
21) only type in lower case.
 
22) dont use any punctuation either
 
23) Pay for your dinner with pennies.
 
24) Repeat everything someone says...as a question.
 
25) Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
    "Did you hear that?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now..."
 
26) At the laundromat, use one dryer for each sock.
 
27) Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
 
28) Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping it on the
    bottom of your chin, when nearly done, announce "no, wait, I
    messed it up," and repeat.
 
29) Lick the filling out of all the Oreos and put the cookie part
    back.
 
30) Hum songs that will stick in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz
    Navidad", the Archies "Sugar", and the Mr. Rogers theme song.
 
31) Lie obviously about trivial things, like the time of day...
 
32) Sit in your front yard and point a hair dryer at passing cars
    to see if they slow down.
 
33) Chew on borrowed pens.
 
34) Wear a LOT of cologne.
 
35) Ask a waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
 
36) Sing along at the opera.
 
37) Never make eye contact.
 
38) Never break eye contact.
 
39) Post this message to others' e-mail accounts. Repeatedly.
 
40) One item at a time.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 10:26:17 +0100
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: Lawyer joke  (offensive to lawyers)
 
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates
of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a
long time for you."
 
"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my
life. Why did I have to die now?"
 
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
 
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.
I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
 
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside.
After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records
you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients,
and you have to be 82..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 15:13:49 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Chaiya Chaiya...<for Indian audiences>
 
You must have heard of the by now popular song Chaiya Chaiya from
Dil Se... And you also must be knowing that it is undergoing some
censor problems due to the word "Chaiya Chaiya"... So a new version
has come up with. Some changes had to be made to the video of the
song too... The scene is now like this...
 
The train is now a Goods train carrying all cows and buffalos along
with our hero Sharukh Khan whose screen name for this song is
Sharukh Kanhaiya and the heroine is not Malaika Arora but Milka
Arora... And we have all the cows and buffalos dancing along with
Kanhaiya and Milka on the Goods train....
 
The song now goes like this... The lyrics fit in properly with the
original tune... just use your tact and pronounce the words
properly and enjoy...
 
Are Bhaiya Bhaiya Bhaiyaaa Bhaiyaaa,
Are Bhaiya Bhaiya Bhaiyaaa  Bhaiyaaa...
 
Saare colony ka doodh wala bhaiya bhaiya
Saare colony ka doodh wala bhaiya bhaiya.
 
Subah paanch baje aane wala bhaiya bhaiya...
Subah paanch baje aane wala bhaiya bhaiya.
 
Are Bhaiya Bhaiya Bhaiyaaa Bhaiyaa,
Are Bhaiya Bhaiya Bhaiyaaa Bhaiya
(Twice... chorus with all the "Gaaays")
 
Main uske doodh pe marta hoon,
Use peene main subah uthta hoon,
Voh subah na aaye darta hoon,
Yeh sochke raat bhar jaagta hoon...
 
Jiske doodh mein doodh hai kam
Aur jisme hai paani paaniiiii...
(Drum beats...)
 
Jiske doodh mein doodh hai kam
Aur jisme hai paani paani,
PAAAAANI me doodh milanewala
Yaar mera Bhaiya Bhaiya...
 
Are Bhaiya Bhaiya Bhaiyaaa Bhaiyaa,
Are Bhaiya Bhaiya Bhaiyaaa Bhaiya
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 12:15:41 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: FDA warnings on alcohol bottles
         <Mostly clean. Sobering, too>
 
(Forwarded by Lynn Cuter)
 
      Additional warnings that the FDA is considering
             placing on alcohol bottles:
 
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think
             you are whispering when you are not.
 
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
             dancing like an idiot.
 
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
             same boring story over and over again until your
             friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
 
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to
             thay shings like thish.
 
 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
             ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them
             at 4 in the morning.
 
 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
             the hell happened to your pants.
 
 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in
             the morning and see something really scary (whose
             species and or name you can't remember).
 
 6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause
             of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
 
 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
             you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some
             really, really big guy named Kerry.
 
 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you 
             are invisible.
 
 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
             are laughing WITH you.
 
 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
             time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes
             large) gaps of time may seem to literally "disappear".
 
 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 07:08:56 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Computer Breasts (adult)
 
  -(1)         Computer breasts
 
  (o)(o)       perfect breasts
 
  ( + )( + )   fake silicone breasts
 
  (*)(*)       high nipple breasts
 
  (@)(@)       big nipple breasts (you know who you are)
 
  oo           a cups
 
  { O }{ O }   d cups
 
  (oYo)        wonder bra breasts
 
  ( ^)( ^)     cold breasts
 
  (o)(O)       lopsided breasts
 
  (Q)(Q)       pierced breasts
 
  (p)(q)       breasts w/hanging tassels
 
  (:o)(o)      bitten by a vampire breasts
 
  \o/\o/       Grandma's breasts
 
  ( - )( - )   flat against the shower door breasts
 
  < o < o      electric shock breasts
 
  |o||o|       android breasts
 
  (/)(o)       scratched breasts
 
  (%)(o)       extra nipple breasts
 
  ($)($)       Jenny McCarthy's breasts
 
  (^o)(o)      zit on your breast
 
  ( o Y o )    poses for playboy magazine breasts
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 05:39:46 -0700
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Wedding Night Pratical Jokes
 
Irv and Esther were planning on getting married. Seeing how they
didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just
go back to their new apartment after the wedding.
 
The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing
practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a businessman,
and the third a dentist.
 
They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married
friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so
that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The
businesman decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got
into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled
and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do.
 
A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail.
 
"Dear friends,
We didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed
collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna
kill the bastard that put the Novocain in the vaseline!"
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 08:59:58 EST
From:    JD STONE <jstone@EMH1.LEAD.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Real life...mine
 
Ok, this is humiliating but too funny not to share...
 
This past Wednesday I was walking home from a night on the town
with some friends. I live in a small town in S. Central Pa.
Anyway, it's 1 AM and I am feeling no pain. As I'm walking down the
street I see this 4 foot tall potted plant sitting by the trash in
front of a brick row home with a note that says 'FREE'.
 
Well it's a nice looking plant so I pick it up and lug it the next
2 blocks to my home.
 
At 5:30 AM I get up to go to work, taking the time to water my new
aquisition.
 
It is now Thursday, 4:30 PM, I come home from work to make a
startling discovery...  The plant is PLASTIC!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 09:27:53 -0500
From:    "J.M. A'Hearn" <jahearn@RXS.COM>
Subject: Take this cigar and shove it!
 
Your lover approaches you with a cigar in his hand. you:
   A. Say, "don't smoke that in here, it will stink up the carpet."
   B. Whip out your zippo and light it for him.
   C. Say, "is that a maccanudo your holding or are you just happy
      to see me?"
   D. Peel off your underware and yell "c'mon big tobacco!"
 
Take the rest of the quiz at http://www.takethiscigar.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 09:17:49 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: THE pEt
 
   A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to
buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about a
dog?"
   The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do
everything!"   The owner says, "How about a cat?"
   The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything.
I want a pet that can do everything!"
   The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a
centipede!"  The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a
centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."
   He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's
immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed,
polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned.
The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed. He's
absolutely amazed.
   He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."  Twenty
minutes later he walks into the living room. The carpet has been
vacuumed, the furniture clean and dusted, the pillows on the sofa
plumped and the plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is
the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is truly a pet that can
do everything."
   He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a
newspaper."  The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later,
no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes
later, no centipede.
   The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have
been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still
no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the
centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car?
   Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it... and there's
the centipede sitting right outside the door. The man says, "Hey!
I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a
newspaper. What's the story?"
   The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin' on my
shoes!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 11:58:27 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Mealy-mouthed questions & comments about current events
 
Are Harley Davidson hogs kosher?
 
If you're in your car when it starts raining hard, is that a
"driving rain?"
 
Believe it or not, I have a friend named Ripley.
 
Anyone notice the irony of Atlanta's leaders wanting to build an
aquarium after they've trashed the Chattahoochee River?
 
Assassination is illegal, but "air strikes" are legit. Moral:
killing is wrong unless you take out some innocent bystanders, too.
 
Liagra: A new drug that causes men to be less than truthful when
asked about their sexual affairs. Available in regular, grand jury
and presidential strength versions.
 
I got 27 catalogs in the mail today. Could Christmas be far away?
 
My do physician's offices insist that you be on time for your
appointment when they know they'll keep you waiting at at least 30
minutes?
 
Attention all staff writers: 63 is not elderly.
 
I saw Congressman John Lewis on television talking about the pilot
strike and their starvation wages. Hey, I'd be willing to starve on
what they're making.
 
I resent the term "east Cobb snob." Not every teen gets his or her
own car, cell phone and beeper when they turn 16.
 
My life is really getting me down. I go to school in a trailer, and
come home to a trailer.
 
Adolescence is the age between puberty and adultery.
 
My dentist told me if I don't start flossing, it will be tooth or
consequences.
 
Drivers: If you get passed on the right, move one lane to the
right. Repeat as necessary.
 
The stock market has made me a small fortune in the last few weeks.
Unfortunately, I started with a large fortune.
 
Not only have the developers and the DOT become skilled at removing
all our beautiful trees, but they have also mastered the art of
making molehills out of mountains.
 
 
My source for the ACJ's The Vent is
http://www.accessatlanta/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 12:01:07 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Thesaurus & Movie Mania <adult>
 
Remember those Billgatesian Thesaurus Phrases?
Here's a few more I've come in contact with:
 
First, Let's see if I can get the setup instructions right...
 
a) Copy/paste the phrases into an MS Word document
b) Highlight (just) the phrase with your mouse pointer
c) Pick 'Tools'  'Language'  'Thesaurus'
 
    1) Live-in girlfriend, in bed
    2) Enter Jane's dad, at the wrong time!
    3) His fine knob-o-muscle's nickname
 
(find the answers below the joke...)
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and
he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he got to play two
long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Jerry can't wait
to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when
he could catch the film.
 
A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for
a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told Jerry where
he can go to see it.
 
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went
to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walked in and sat
way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be
disguised and hiding.
 
The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno
flick ever... group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway
through, a dog got in on the action.
 
Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the
women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry
turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the
music."
 
The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, "We're just here to
see our dog..."
 
               *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Billgatesian Thesaurus Replacements:
  1) live wire
  2) enter matrimony
  3) his holiness
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 13:08:54 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Geologically Speaking
 
A renowned scientist specializing in the geology and archaeology of
ancient Africa was mounting an expedition to central Africa to
study the interesting rock formations upon which it had been
theorized that ancient civilizations had built their homes. He was
accompanied by several students, each eager to get his or her first
experience in the field as well as impress their professor.
 
The famous professor of geology and his assistants were
investigating some fascinating rock formations which were, as far
as they could determine, unknown to science. These particular rocks
appeared to exhibit unusual characteristics. For example, when one
of the students came up to them and began to test the rock's
properties, she was amazed to discover that they appeared to
contain traces of organisms, a rudimentary form of bacteria life.
Deeply imbedded in the rocks were trace remains of carbon and other
elements, all suggesting that these rocks were actually alive, at
least in a very, very basic way. In fact their texture was somehow
softer than other rocks.
 
The young scientist approached the professor with her discovery and
could think of nothing else to say except to query the professor
with a question: "Doctor, living stone, I presume?"
 
     -Thanks to Steve Kilbride
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 13:56:45 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Academe Today... {adult reference}
 
           9/25/98 Daily Report from ACADEME TODAY
 
Academe Today's DAILY REPORT
for subscribers of The Chronicle of Higher Education
          _________________________
 
THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN at Flint had better double-check its
toll-free number the next time it sends out admissions materials.
The institution is apologizing to prospective students for
inadvertently sending them the number of a gay phone-sex service.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 12:17:04 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: Redneck wives (off to them and their husbands)
 
Marry Lou and Peggie Sue were on the field, harvesting some carrots
for lunch. Marry Lou pulls out of the ground a giant carrot, at
least 17 inches long, very thick, earth flowing down from it's many
secondary roots.
 
"See, Peggie Sue, this carrot's EXactly like my man's dick!"
 
"My oh my, Marry Lou, is Bubba's dick THAT big?"
 
"No, Peggie Sue, but sure is THAT dirty!!!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 22:34:22 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: PUNY Riddles 2
 
 9. What is the usual fee for having a city council pass a motion
    praising your company's computer's ability to reproduce
    millions of colors, and why?
 
10. When the Post Office delivers only some of your packages, the
    service they have just provided is . . . ?
 
11. Of all the workers employed in building a house, which is the
    most likely to have a criminal record?
 
12. What frozen treat did Bugs Bunny's Nemesis use to harvest his
    crop of hay?
 
13. What's the most popular magazine among mice & rats?
 
14. What TV network newscaster would it remind you of if your male
    cat damaged a crow's voice box?
 
15. What reference book would a junkie consult to research the
    symptoms of his drug dependency?
                =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
 
                     Answers

 9. $4.00. (25 cents is two-bits and reproducing millions of colors
    requires a 32 bit resolution.)
 
10. Partial post
 
11. The counter fitters
 
12. A Fudd sickle
 
13. Rodent Track
 
14. Tom Brokecaw
 
15. Addictionary
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Sep 1998 to 26 Sep 1998
************************************************
 
