HUMOR Digest - 24 Sep 1998 to 25 Sep 1998
There are 11 messages totalling 566 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. look-out
  2. Middle Age <some language>
  3. A World Without Vowels
  4. You Might Be A Redneck...
     <off. to... wait, can Rednecks read this?>
  5. Death Sentence
  6. Dennis Miller Rants <adult language and subject>
  7. Venting about Bill, Ken, and Monica, part 2
  8. Made For Each Other? <adult>
  9. alien: about sex (suggestive)
 10. On the Pier (Pun)
 11. <HUMOUR> A penis by any other name
 
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Date:    Thu, 24 Sep 1998 09:31:59 +0100
From:    "Vandersijp_kca, Jaap" <Jaap.Vandersijp@KCA-
DRILLING.CO.UK> Subject: look-out
 
   Two guys have spent several months together on a deserted island
when a woman happens to wash ashore. They feed her back to health.
Being friends the two guys agree amongst themselves that they won't
risk creating a rift, and so won't have sex with the woman. After
discussing the future, the woman says they should be keeping a
look-out, as she is sure that a search party will ome after her. So
they construct a lookout tower on the beach, and plan to stand
watch in turns.
   The first guy goes up the tower and starts looking around. He
then looks down at the other two standing on the beach and shouts
down: "Hey, stop making love!!" "We're not making love" his pal
shouts up, "we're just standing here." "Sure looks as if you're
making love from where I stand", the first guy shouts. This goes on
for the rest of the afternoon.
   The next morning it is the turn of the second guy. As soon as he
is up on the tower, the first guy and the woman start making
desparate love. The guy up in the tower shouts down: "Now I see
what you mean, from here it indeed looks as if you're making love!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 24 Sep 1998 05:16:25 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Middle Age <some language>
 
* Women are the easiest to tell when they hit 40.
  You just count the rings under their eyes.
                                - - - - -
 
* For men, you're middle aged if your crowd considers you sexy just
  because you still have hair.
                                - - - - -
 
* Men and women know they've reached middle age when they notice
  kids are getting noisier and the latest music is getting worse.
                                - - - - -
 
* Anybody who can remember when "boobs" meant "the dumb kids"
  surely qualifies for middle age.
                                - - - - -
 
* Ain't it hell though to reach your "September Years" and discover
  that you blew the best of July and August.
                                - - - - -
 
* And ain't it funny how when you're 50, suddenly 60 doesn't sound
  all that old anymore.
                                - - - - -
 
* I'd love to know what part of the body whoever said "Life begins
  at forty" was referring to -- seems to me that every damn thing
  else is starting to wear out then.
                                - - - - -
 
* Middle age is usually reckoned at between 40 - 60.  It's easy to
  tell when you hit there though, regardless of age, by the way it
  hits ya back.
                                - - - - -
 
* You younger people out there -- wait until the first time your
  kids or Grandkids reveal that they are studying in "history
  class" events you lived through.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 24 Sep 1998 06:55:32 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A World Without Vowels
 
   The Top 12 Ways Life Would be Different If There Were No Vowels
 
12> Wht th fck knd f tpc s ths?
 
11> Nothing before nothing except after c?  Sure, Teach. Whatever.
 
10> Cartoon strip characters limited to sleeping and swearing.
 
 9> Sudden inability to pick out the Czech hockey players in the
    NHL.
 
 8> Alex Trebek: still wealthy and famous.
    Pat and Vanna: living in a van down by the river and fighting
                   tooth and Press-on Nail over dwindling supply of
                   food.
 
 7> As the price of Sesame Street stock plummets, Bert and Ernie
    are laid off.
 
 6> Y, during interrogation, denies any ever working for the
    deposed junta.
 
 5> 19% less time on the crapper.
 
 4> The Thomas Brothers' Map regional offices in Honolulu do some
    serious downsizing.
 
 3> Now, *51* ways to leave your lover! Latest addition: "Sorry
    babe but U and I are history."
 
 2> Old MacDonald awakens to an eerie silence.
 
     and The Number 1 Way Life Would be Different
     If There Were No vowels:
 
 1> President Clinton breathes a sigh of relief, since he never
    said he didn't have sex with Mnc Lwnsk.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 24 Sep 1998 08:12:06 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: You Might Be A Redneck... 
         <off. to... wait, can Rednecks read this?>
 
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...
 
 -- The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear
    to the 4-H Fair.
 -- You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your
    front yard.
 -- Someone in your family says
    "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it!"
 -- You mow your lawn and find a car.
 -- If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves
    putting on shoes (if you have them), a jacket, and grabbing
    a flashlight.
 -- You go Christmas shopping for your mom, your sister, and your
    girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
 -- You consider 'pork and beans' to be a gourmet food.
 -- You have to go down to the creek ("crick") to take a bath.
 -- You participate in a "Who Can Spit Tobacco the Farthest"
    contest.
 -- You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
 -- You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls,
    plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
 -- You think the Mountain Men in "Deliverance" were just
    'misunderstood.'
 -- You've ever made change in the offering plate.
 -- If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
 -- You own at least 20 baseball hats.
 -- You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill
    of a baseball hat.
 -- Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon, the
    one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
 -- When you leave your house, federal agents of the Bureau of
    Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms follow you, and the only thing
    you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
 -- Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
 -- "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking
    brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your
    wife/girl make love.
 -- Your huntin' dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around
    in.
 -- You'd rather catch bass than get some.
    (if you can't guess...)
 -- You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
 -- You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
 -- You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
 -- You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis 
    over your fireplace.
 -- You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
 -- It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
 -- You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray
    are three of the primary colors.
 -- You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars comin', baby!"
 -- Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job...
    ...primer red and primer gray.
 -- The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
 -- Yer mom calls ya over ta help, 'cause she has a flat tire...
    ....on her house.
 -- The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
 -- Ya have to check in the bottom of yer shoe for change so
    ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
 -- Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
 -- Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law
    against it.
 -- Ya celebrate Groundhog Day.   ('Cause ya believe in it!!)
 -- You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound
    of a tornado.
 -- You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch
    something!
 -- When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you
    to pull up your jeans.
 -- You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
 -- Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank
    of gas in the truck.
 -- "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape,
     it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
 -- Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've
    got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
 -- You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
 -- Dolly Parton reminds you of the 'Grand Tetons'.
    (Of course, this is a very sophisticated redneck joke...)
 -- You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them
    a gourmet item.
 -- Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the
    Kennedy Center.    (Clinton true-life story!)
 -- The most serious loss from the earthquake was your
    Conway Twitty record collection.
    (your insurance man is one too, if he pays you for it)
 -- You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight
    with Alan Jackson.
 -- You know what Chattahoochie is, even if you can't spell it.
 -- You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your
    education.
 -- You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
 -- Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into
    sporting events.
 -- Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
 -- Your mom walks you to school, and you're both
    in the same grade.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 24 Sep 1998 09:55:58 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Death Sentence
 
A woman goes for her yearly physical and after all the poking,
prodding and tests, the physician says gravely,  "I'm sorry, but
you have only 12 hours to live".
 
Hearing this, the woman rushes home, explains her condition to her
husband and states,  "I want to spend this whole evening having
wild and crazy sex."
 
To which her husband exclaims,"That's easy for you to say.  You
don't have to get up in the morning!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 24 Sep 1998 10:13:16 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dennis Miller Rants <adult language and subject>
 
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but a great marriage
is like a duck.  On the surface it looks cool and effortless, but
underneath, well, you know, everybody's paddling like hell.
 
I want to qualify this by stating to all the menfolk out there that
if you have a spouse as wonderful as the one I have, you should
thank your lucky stars.  Because between reasonably priced
landscaping services, Jiffy-Lube, and sperm banks, men are...
you know, men are pretty much optional nowadays.
 
You know, some people would say that spouses can be separated into
two stereotypically different groups.  There are the remote-
controlling, chore-ducking, boat-buying, beer-bellied, non-
conversing, insensitive natural-gas-facroties called husbands.  And
then, you have the mall-blazing, in-law-inviting, will-you-put-the-
goddamn-toilet-seat-down, you-really-don't-remember-what-today-is-
do-you, we-never-go-anywhere shoe junkies called wives.
 
...but here are some things that women should know about men that
would make being married to them easier:
 
1. All husbands are losing their hair.  Now, there is nothing a
   wife can do to make her husband feel better about that.  So
   here's how you nip it in the bud, ladies.  The first time your
   husband comes out of the shower pulling his hair back, asking if
   you think he's going bald, this is what you say:  "You know
   darling, I'm looking at your dick right now, and to be honest,
   hair loss is the least of your problems."
 
2. All right, ladies, you know yoru friend from high school,
   Howard, who you always use as an example because he actually
   cleared the table and then put the dishes in the dishwasher
   without being asked?  Howard is gay.  Believe me. I met him one
   night when I was dressed as a woman.
 
3. Despite what you'vbe been told, men love to cuddle after sex.
   But why does your head have to block the TV?
 
4. Don't sit down and watch Australian Rules football with us. You
   don't want to try to understand Australian Rules football.
   Nobody understands it.  We don't understand it.  All right?
   That's the whole point.  When we are watching Australian Rules
   football, it means we just went into our invisible he-man
   clubhouse.  And you know that the only reason you sit down next
   to us and pretend you want to watch is that you want ot come
   into our he-man clubhouse and ruin it with your girl cooties.
   So stay out.  All right!
 
5. Husbands need to be asked to do something three times.  The
   first time we don't even hear you and the second time we don't
   think you mean it.
 
6. Gals, gals, you know that primordial sense of nurturing you get
   from raising children?  Huh?  That's the same way we feel about
   our baseball caps.  Okay?
 
7. Finally, ladies, will you stop, please, stop trying to talk us
   into a threesome with your best friend.  We're just not
   interested.  Okay?!    That's not what we're all about.
 
Your spouse is someone that you can feel comfortable doing
absolutely nothing with.  Someone whose expectations are always
softened by understanding.  A completely different person through
whose eyes, over time, you see yourself more clearly.
 
Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 24 Sep 1998 13:14:03 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Venting about Bill, Ken, and Monica, part 2
 
These are not high crimes and misdemeanors.
This is simply trash TV.
 
Of course the CDC report found fewer teens sexually active. They
were all using the Clinton definition of sex.
 
I'm part of the 1 percent in <rich, lily white, Republican
community who won't vote for impeachment. My stock has dropped
enough.
 
The worst part about this Clinton mess is now we have to hear about
the sex lives of Republicans. Yuck!
 
Monica Lewinsky shows us once again that hard work is not the best
way to earn an easy meal ticket in life.
 
It looks like in the future sex education in our schools will begin
in a history class.
 
I think Kenneth Starr made a big mistake by airing that tape. He
should have telemarketed it for $19.95 a pop and made us taxpayers
a nice, tidy profit.
 
Mr. President, "Alone" mean "alone." "Is" means "is," and "sexual
relations" means "sexual relations," as in "While the president and
the 21-year-old intern were alone, they had sexual relations."
 
Is Henry Hyde's wardrobe provided by Omar the Tentmaker?
 
I listened to Clinton's definition of sex. After 13 years of
marriage and three kids, I now realized that my wife and I are
still virgins.

 
At least one Republican is still supporting the president. Thank
you, Senator Packwood.
 
If I posted material similar to Ken Starr's report on my AOL Web
site, they would shut it down as obscene and cancel my account.
 
Do you think Monica's parents are as proud of her accomplishments
as she seems to be?
 
Maybe if we Americans could talk honestly and openly about sex,
there wouldn't be all this unnecessary drama about what the
president did behind closed doors.
 
"If we American could talk honestly and openly about sex." Are you
deaf or something? PLEAZZEEE. What else do American talk about?
 
A spiritual adviser? Mr. Clinton needs an exorcist.
 
Is it morality or just plan old-fashioned hate that's driving this
Clinton affair?
 
Congressman Hyde said his adultery was a youthful indiscretion at
41. Exactly when did he become an adult?
 
So Monica's in Australia, but nobody can find her. Anybody checked
the prime minister's office?
 
I understand that Ken Starr's next publication will be called "Dr.
Jekyll and Congressman Hyde."
 
Why is it that when negative stories about the White House appear
in the news the Republican cry, "The American people want the
facts!" But if damaging facts appear about Republicans, they call
an FBI investigation of the White House.
 
Bill Clinton is under duress. DNA on a little blue dress.
Scientifically speaking, it wasn't Starr's sneaking that got Willie
into this mess!
 
Wouldn't it be wacky if the daughters of Bill Clinton and Ken Starr
were roommates at Stanford?
 
If Judge Starr is such a hot shot, why didn't get the White House
videotapes of Bill and Monica doing whatever it is that they were
doing. Hey Ken, this is the 1990s and we're into visual
communication. The least you could have done is to have gotten the
people at "America's Most Wanted" to do a re-enactment for your
report.
 
 
The source for most of these vents:
http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 24 Sep 1998 19:08:04 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Made For Each Other? <adult>
 
Q. Can anyone guess what CLINTON is an abbreviation for?
 
A. Call Lewinsky, I Need The Oral Now.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 00:35:41 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: alien: about sex (suggestive)
 
    Being new on the planet is kind of difficult. Not to mention
that your keyboards are made for fingers!
    The other day I tried to figure out what human sex is like.
Here's what I found out:
 
   For sex there is needed at least one human. Usually it is not
called sex unless there are two of them, but the lonely sex-havers
are considering it sex, too.
   Usually lonely sex comes in the same box with underwear drawer
magazines, videos or other stuff. There are also some high-toll
phone numbers which are pretty much relevant to our subject. But
usually, you can find sex only at one end of the line.
   Lonely sex also happens in bathrooms, physicians' cabinets (also
plastic recipients and low-quality magazines are involved), late at
night in front of TV. It is performed by both males and females,
and a high percent are teenagers.
   Another kind would be the pair sex. When two, opposite gender
humans are involved. There are different forms. Marriage (I won't
have sex with somebody else if you won't) is the most common. There
is also lovemaking - which shouldn't be taken for married sex!)
which is "lemme show you the paintings in my bedroom". Then comes
college sex - they screw everybody in the same flour, building,
campus. Some people consider also paid sex - "How much for the
night?" Interesting, but the tax is either per time unit (fifteen
minutes) or per time "How many times - once or twice? For twice you
got 5 $ back!". Sex is usually paid by men, but when women pay for
it, it's bloody expensive.
   Sex happens with partners in several positions. Since the human
body ain't exactly elastic, flexing, translating, rotating and
vibrating eventually came to an end. I doubledare humankind to find
a new sex position!
   Homosexual sex - within the same gender. Male to male - or
female to female. It is reported to happen in dorms and special
places. There is plenty of advertisement in newspapers.
   Only on earth there is sado-masochism. That could be described
like: "Don't stop kicking my balls, or I won't whip you any more".
   Bisexuality is  "I won't mind other persons if you won't"
   A pervert is a person who does things you don't.
   Pedophilly is something we should not talk about on the
Internet.
   Condoms are used for protection, to prevent pregnancy, and to
make practical jokes - like water-filling them and throwing down
the window. They also make nice exploding helmets.
   Lubricants are used for lubrication. Also they are pretty good
on the hands, so you can slap people's butts with amazing sounds.
   And finally, 1.00 am is bedtime, especially if you have to wake
up EARLY!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 24 Sep 1998 17:59:32 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: On the Pier (Pun)
 
A man was quite drunk on his favorite beer when he wandered out of
the bar. As he walked, he came to the wharf near the city. He saw a
pier, and it occurred to him that the pier was made of a series of
boards nailed side by side from the shore to the end. He decided to
count the boards, and stepped onto the pier. Much to his dismay he
discovered that in his toxic state the boards moved around too much
for him to count. He also noticed that the slits between the boards
were steadier, so he decided to count them instead. He started at
the shore and walked, head down, toward the end. So intent was he
on his counting, that he didn't notice the end of the pier and he
walked right off.
 
Luckily, a Coast Guard cutter was going by just then and they
hurried over and helped our friend out of the water. Later, one of
the sailors reported to the Captain that he had heard the drunk
saying the strangest thing as they hauled him from the water:
"When you're out of slits, you're out of pier!"
 
(From: <Clynch_Varnadore@selinc.com>)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 25 Sep 1998 09:23:54 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> A penis by any other name
 
As you can see this one has comes via a number of sources.
 
The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking
together about how a penis is called in their language.
 
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman,
because it stands up when women are entering.
 
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot,
because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the
back side.
 
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it
goes down after the act.
 
Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor,
because it goes from mouth to mouth.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Sep 1998 to 25 Sep 1998
************************************************
 
