HUMOR Digest - 23 Sep 1998 to 24 Sep 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 806 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
  1. CS Husbands--Why Women Need Them! <clean>
  2. Families
  3. My Daily Prayer (some adult language)
  4. Mystery Solved (may be offensive to men)
  5. A couple hunting jokes
  6. the Clintons <innuendo>
  7. Merit Badge <adult>
  8. <HUMOR> Not the Sharpest Tool in the Shed
  9. Honeymoon Interference
 10. Venting about Bill, Ken, and Monica
 11. Ms. Robicheaux's (row-be-show's) Boy >Cajun Style<
 12. New Computer Viruses
 13. In the Navy
 14. Rememberances from the Dark Corner (Pun)
 15. Tales from a tropical island
 16. Clinton and cigars (adult)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 11:59:47 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: CS Husbands--Why Women Need Them! <clean>
 
1. CS hubbies keep BUGS like roaches away from the house.
   They are professional debuggers.
2. CS hubbies can multitask.
   They can do housework and officework simultaneously.
3. CS hubbies give their wives a sense of security.
   They keep Kerberos as pets in the family.
4. There can never be a communication breakdown between CS
   hubbies and their wives, since CS hubbies are fluent in many
   languages. Try talking object oriented-ly with them.
5. CS hubbies have ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE on top of their real
   intelligence, so they are smarter than engineers.
6. CS hubbies are FTP, very Fun To Play.
   You can even play with them annonymously if you wish.
7. Before he gets into an argument with his wife, a CS hubby will
   consult the FAQ, which sets the guidelines for him to Forgive A
   Quarrel. See how rational they are compared to ruthless
   Engineers?
8. CS hubbies act like real man. When in doubt of their behaviour,
   they follow the MAN pages.
9. CS hubbies are honest about themselves.
   What You See Is What You Get (WYSIWYG).
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 03:17:19 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Families
 
* These days, parents pray the youngest child will get married and
  move out before the oldest one gets divorced and moves back in.   

                             - - - - -
 
* People complain about nepotism.  Let's face it -- where would
  Queen Elizabeth or Prince Charles be without it.
                              - - - - -

 
* The REAL reason Grandparents and Grandkids get along with each
  other so well is that they both have a common nemesis.
                              - - - - -
 
* I come from a really stubborn family. They didn't know the
  meaning of the word "quit" until I was born.
                              - - - - -
 
* My son JimJr Jr always ate too fast.  He can eat a minute steak
  in about 25 seconds flat.
                              - - - - -
 
* We were always pretty much the average American family. Every
  morning for breakfast I'd come down to coffee with three lumps --
  Mrs JimJr and the two kids.
                              - - - - -
 
* On TV and the movies you see the wife/mother fixing a breakfast
  of eggs, ham, bacon, sausage, pancakes and waffles which no one
  ever eats.  This is just fiction -  a family these days is a
  group of people who each like different breakfast cereals.
                              - - - - -
 
*   A widower GrandFather remarried and took his new bride to visit
  his son's family.  After being introduced, ten-year-old Adam
  said,   "So you're my new GrandMother, huh ?"
    "Well... yes, on your Father's side." she replied smiling.
    "I hate to tell ya GrandMa, but you're on the wrong side." the
  lil' boy replied.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 07:10:59 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: My Daily Prayer (some adult language)
 
 Dear God:
 
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot
change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the
wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed today because they
pissed me off. And also, please help me to be careful of the toes I
step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have
to kiss tomorrow. So far today, God, I have done all right. I
haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I am very thankful for
that but in a few minutes, I am going to get out of bed. And from
then on, I am going to need a lot more help.
 
Amen.
 
------------------------------

 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 07:12:57 -0500
From:    Kathy King <KATHLEEN.R.KING@SOLUTIA.COM>
Subject: Mystery Solved (may be offensive to men)
 
     It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he
called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life.
Man was horrified, but the creator refused to budge.
 
     Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years also.
"But I don't need 20 years", said the monkey. "10 years is plenty."
Man spoke up and said: "May I have the other 10 years?" The monkey
agreed.
 
     The Lord called on the lion and also gave him 20 years. The
lion, too, wanted only 10. Again man spoke up. "May I have the
other 10 years?"  "Of course", said the lion.
 
     Then came the donkey who was also given 20 years. Like the
others, 10 years was enough. Man again asked for the spare 10 years
and he got them.
 
     This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10
years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years
of making a jackass out of himself.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 08:12:50 -0400
From:    "Harter, Douglas" <Harter.Douglas@DEP.STATE.PA.US>
Subject: A couple hunting jokes
 
                      The Hunting Trip
                     -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Two guys go hunting.  Jack has never gone hunting while Jerry has 
hunted all his life.
 
When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Jerry tells Jack to 
sit by a tree and not make a sound while Jerry checks out a deer
stand.  After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Jerry hears a
blood-curdling scream.
 
He rushes back to Jack and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"
 
Jack says, "Hey, I tried. I really did.  When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound.  When that bear was breathing down
my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them
here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
 
 
                      Back to Nature
                     =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Deer hunting season is here... Here are the secret diary entries
from last year's deer hunt.
 
  1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
  2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
  3:00 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
  3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
  3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
  3:30 am - Drive like a bat outta hell to get to the woods before
            daylight.
  4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
  4:30 am - Head into the woods.
  6:05 am - See eight deer.
  6:06 am - Take  aim and squeeze trigger.
  6:07 am - "Click."
  6:08 am - Load gun while  watching deer go over the hill.
  8:00 am - Head back to camp.
  9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
 10:00 am - Realize you don't know where camp is.
     Noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
 12:15 PM - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
 12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
 12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries.
 12:45 pm - Rescued.
 12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
  3:00 pm - Arrived back in camp.
  3:30 pm - leave camp to kill deer.
  4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets.
  4:01 pm - Load gun - leave camp again.
  5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
  6:00 pm - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
  6:01 pm - Load gun.
  6:02 pm - Fire gun.
  6:03 pm - One dead pickup truck.
  6:05 pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
  6:06 pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
  6:07 pm - Fall into fire.
  6:10 pm - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
  6:15 pm - Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
  6:25 pm - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
  6:26 pm - Start walking.
  6:30 pm - Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
  6:35 pm - Meet bear.
  6:36 pm - Take aim.
  6:37 pm - Fire gun - blow up barrel  plugged with mud.
  6:38 pm - Make mess in pants.
  6:39 pm - Climb  tree.
  9:00 pm - Bear departs - wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree.
 Midnight - Home at last.
 
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting
license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game
Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 09:05:33 -0400
From:    "Lara B. Little" <llittle@EMAIL.UNCC.EDU>
Subject: the Clintons <innuendo>
 
     From my friend Larry, with a slight alteration:
 
I hear Bill Clinton is planning to move to North Carolina after he
leaves office.
 
Apparently he's trying to decide which town - Big Lick, Blowing
Rock or Morehead City.
 
(Yes, for the non-NCers, those are real towns!)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 09:35:07 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Merit Badge <adult>
 
   A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a
young couple was engaged in oral sex.
   "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous
beast out there!"
   But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less
seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the
couple was doing.
   "Well, err.... if  you must know, uh, they were practicing a
brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's
artificial respiration!"
    "WOW!"  exclaimed the oldest of the group.  "I know which merit
badge I'm gonna try for next!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 10:32:35 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Not the Sharpest Tool in the Shed
 
    A collection of modern folk tales designed to make us feel
better when we, ourselves, do something similar...
(Source unkown)
 
"Not the sharpest tool in the shed"...
It's hard to believe certain people survive to adulthood !!!
                   - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly.  I inquired as to what she
was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they
asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
                   - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into
itself and for the life of them could not understand why their
computer would not turn on.
                   - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little.  What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to
             say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank
             page.  I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person:  "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want
             anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so
             only the recipient would open it and read it."
                   - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do
you need some help?"  I asked.  She replied, "I knew I should have
replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't get
into my car. "Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience
store) would have a battery for this?"
 
"Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
 
"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,
I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries... it's a long walk."
                   - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
  Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.."
        Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
  Tech Support: "Well?"
        Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
                   - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
   Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.  One
day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost
out of typing paper.  What do I do?"
   "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the
intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
                   - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
   One of our servers crashed.  I was watching our new system
administrator trying to restore it.  He inserted a CD and needed to
type a path name to a directory named "i386."  He started to type
it and paused, asking me "Where's the key for that line thing?"
   I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that
one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."
   I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's
it!"
                   - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home
was towed into the garage.  The front of the vehicle was in dire
need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra
in "Twister."   I asked the manager what had happened.  He told me
that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to
make a sandwich.
                   - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
And, one addition from a friend:  She's been doing temp work at
various offices.  At one place she became the resident expert on
the photocopy machine.  One day there was a big backup.  She went
over to help and found that no one knew how to stop the copier from
"punching" three holes down the side of each copy.  She opened the
paper tray, removed the three-hole paper and solved the problem.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 14:03:36 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Honeymoon Interference
 
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it
to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept
up a running commentary on their love-making.
 
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened
to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
 
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close
a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll
try." That didn't work.
 
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart,
you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.
 
Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."
 
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and
said, "Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 15:05:44 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Venting about Bill, Ken, and Monica
 
I sprained my finger from switching stations every time anything is
said about Bill and Monica. Enough already!
 
To the person who sent Bill Clinton a letter asking for his
resignation: I sure hope you didn't sign your real name or your
next complaint will be about your upcoming IRS audit.
 
What does not belong in this list? Congress, Supreme Court,
President, Office of Independent Counsel.
 
Talk about the fickled finger of fate. If Ken Starr and Marcia
Clark had reversed roles, O.J. Simpson would be on death row and
Bill Clinton would be on cloud nine.
 
After months of Bill, Monica, and Ken, I find myself more concerned
with the fate of Keiko, the killer whale.
 
Does anyone still believe that Bill Clinton didn't inhale?
 
Why is it that whenever I remember that pudgy little snitch in
elementary school who picked his nose, and ran around saying, "I
see London, I see France, I see Becky's underpants," I think of a
young Ken Starr.
 
Jackie Collins would have written the report a whole lot better for
a whole lot less money.
 
Perjury sounds so serious. Can't we just call it fibbery?
 
We no longer want Clinton, but we do need him. I bet Hillary feels
the same way.
 
That new fragrance called Contradiction should use Clinton as their
poster boy.
 
The Starr report has confirmed by suspicion. Monica should
apologize to the American people and especially to the first lady.
 
Best reason to keep Clinton around -two words- Al Gore.
 
It needs to be said that Monica Lewinsky is a disgrace to the
feminine gender.
 
In the end, this whole Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky mess can be
explained by the simple fact that there are too many Republicans
who are sore losers. If they fail to impeach Clinton, watch out for
a coup d'etat.
 
 
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 17:07:14 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Ms. Robicheaux's (row-be-show's) Boy >Cajun Style<
 
Den dare was da time Ms. Robicheaux was scared dat da youngest
Robicheaux boy wouldn't turn out real good. So she talked to da
priest and da priest said "Send him over and I'll counsel him."
 
So she send da twelve year old boy to meet wit da priest and da
priest wasn't sure how to get tings going, but anyway he sat da
boy down and he looked at him and he said, "Son, where is God?"
And da boy didn't say anything, he said, "Son, where is God?"
 
Got no response and da priest is getting a little aggravated,
he say, "Son, where is God?"
 
Man, da boy got up, he ran out da office and ran all da way home
and hid in da closet. Couple hour later his brother find him
hiding in da closet, he say, "Eno, what you doing in da closet?"
 
He say, "Man," he say, "Alphonse Pierre, I'm not xactly sure," he
said, "But, God's missing and dey tink we got him!"
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 18:45:29 EDT
From:    Eric Barr <EricBarr@AOL.COM>
Subject: New Computer Viruses
 
Ellen Degeneres virus..........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
 
Monica Lewinsky virus..........Sucks all the memory out of your
                               computer
 
Titanic virus................. Makes your whole computer go down
 
Disney virus...................Everything in the computer goes
                               Goofy
 
Mike Tyson virus...............Quits after one byte
 
Prozac virus...................Screws up your RAM but your
                               processor doesn't care
 
Sharon Stone virus.............Makes a huge initial impact, then
                               you forget it's there.
 
Lorena Bobbit virus............Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch
                               floppy
 
Tim Allen virus................Appears helpful, only to destroy
                               your hard drive upon contact
 
Woody Allen virus..............Bypasses the motherboard and turns
                               on a daughter card

 
Saddam Hussein virus...........Won't let you into any of your
                               programs
 
Tonya Harding virus............Turns your .BAT files into lethal
                               weapons
 
George Michaels virus..........Runs its course, occasionally
                               releasing excess data buildup
 
Joey Buttafuoco virus..........Only attacks minor files
 
X-files virus..................All your Icons start shape shifting
 
Spice Girl virus...............Has no real function, but makes a
                               pretty desktop
 
Ronald Reagan virus............Saves your data, but forgets where
                               it is stored
 
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.......Searches your hard drive for old
                               files and deletes them
 
Sony Bono virus................Just when you get surfing the web, a
                               firewall appears out of no where
 
Martha Stewart virus...........Takes all your files, sorts them by
                               catagory and folds them into cute
                               little doilies to be displayed on
                               your desktop
 
Oprah Winfrey virus............Your 200MB hard drive suddenly
                               shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly
                               expands to 300MB
 
AT&T virus.....................Every 3 minutes it tells you what
                               great service you are getting
 
MCI virus......................Every 3 minutes it reminds you that
                               you're paying too much for the AT&T
                               virus
 
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus....Terminates and stays resident -
                               It'll be back
 
 
http://hometown.aol.com/ericbarr/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 24 Sep 1998 01:23:19 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: In the Navy
 
Twelve dozen ministers today took their vows at a crowded ceremony
and became the navy's newest underwater pastors.  Tomorrow's
headline will read:
 
"Gross in Sub Ordination"
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 18:23:48 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Rememberances from the Dark Corner (Pun)
 
A couple nights ago, I actually took the time to watch some
television.  This is something I don't do much of, and hence, I
have absolutely no clue of what programs might be of interest, and
when they might air.  So, with my usual spate of luck, I picked the
night when there was nothing of interest; only humorless sit-coms,
and sensationalized gossip masquerading as journalism.  (Sigh)  Oh,
well.
 
In one of my journeys through the channels (in the hopes that an
interesting channel would have suddenly appeared since the last
cycle through) I paused briefly on the local news (the batteries in
the remote are dying, and it wouldn't change the channel for me).
 
There is, it seems, a dangerous remnant of Hurricane Bonnie
lingering in the area: Mosquitoes.
 
These mosquitoes are transmitting some infection which is resulting
in encephalitis.  Nasty.  Soon, however, the remote started working
again, and the news became a thing of the past.
 
The story, however, tripped something in my brain (as these things
are wont to do) and brought up the a memory of an old Discovery
Channel program I had seen on a similar situation several years
ago.  It was either in Wales or New England.  I can't remember.
And it really doesn't matter (except maybe to the Welsh and the
Yankees, but, hey....)
 
The program had to do with a variety of gnat-like bugs which were
infesting flowers--primarily those in florist-shops.  The bugs,
called "Renwick Fliers" after some 18th century British botanist
who discovered them, were apparently coming in on flowers
(carnations if I recall) from India (or maybe Africa--my memory is
hazy on the details).  Normally, the fliers are only of minor
annoyance.  While they do bite, the bites rarely react, and leave
no itchy spots.
 
The fliers that had come in this time, however, were different.
They were some new mutation which had different tolerances and a
slightly different body chemistry--just enough to make things
interesting.
 
You see, normal Renwick Fliers are easily killed by some of the
more common insecticides.  These little critters, however, seemed
immune to virtually everything.  And to top it off, they were
carrying a virus which affected humans.  Now the virus was nowhere
near as serious as the one we have here, but it was bad enough.  A
rather nasty case of Bronchitis was the normal result.  For small
children, people with asthma, emphysema, or reduced immunity, it
could progress into pneumonia.
 
The florists were in quite a problematic situation.  Several of
them went out of business, and despite insurance coverage, many
others were in danger of it also.  The word had gotten out that the
fliers were coming from the florist shops.  Business plummeted.
The Florist union (or whatever it's called) forked over some
serious money to find something that would kill these bugs --
without harming the customers who would be sniffing the flowers.

 
The solution came from an unexpected corner.  The florists were, of
course, looking at chemical insecticides to eradicate the fliers.
A British university, however, proposed another solution.  They had
been experimenting with natural enzyme compounds for use as
"organic" pesticides.  These pesticides would, they hoped, be a
much safer, and eco-friendly alternative to the chemicals currently
used.
 
The university had been having a fair but of success with compounds
made from the enzymes of various animals: pigs, cows, chickens, and
sheep being primary among them.  With the blessing of the Florists,
the university acquire a supply of the fliers and began to attack
the problem.  They solved it in less than 3 days.  An enzyme found
in the urine of pregnant sheep proved to be extremely deadly to the
mutant fliers.  It took something like 5ppm to effectively kill
them.  By the end of the week, the fliers were dead.
 
"So, I guess what they say is true...
Only ewes can prevent florist fliers."
 
 
(From: M Blaze Miskulin )
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 22:55:16 -0400
From:    "Alan G. Rosenberg" <arosenb@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Tales from a tropical island
 
Received from a friend ...
 
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The
man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 5
star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four
months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old
life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
 
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of
the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most
gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief,
he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
 
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed
here when my cruise ship sank."
 
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How
many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
 
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing
did."
 
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
 
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of
materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from
Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the
sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
 
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools
or hardware. How did you manage?"
 
Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of
the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock
exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my
kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools,
and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she
said. "Where do you live?"
 
Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the
whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat.
Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with
an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead,
dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's
not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a
drink?"
 
"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more
coconut juice."
 
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How
about a Pina Colada?"  Trying to hide his amazement, the man
accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
 
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm
going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a
shower and shave?
 
There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No
longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There
in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells
honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto its end inside a
swivel mechanism.
 
"This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he returned,
she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically
positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for
him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively,
slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long
time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really
feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all
these months. You know..."  She stared into his eyes.
 
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied,
"I can check my e-mail from here?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 23 Sep 1998 22:16:20 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Clinton and cigars (adult)
 
Clinton's "cuban" experience with Monica gives new meaning
to the old sales pitch of offering a lady a tiparillo!
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Sep 1998 to 24 Sep 1998
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