HUMOR Digest - 22 Sep 1998 to 23 Sep 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 650 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Marriage With An IT Gal? <clean>
  2. Those Wacky Gals!(adult)
  3. Famous Last Words
  4. Unix humour <geeky>
  5. I'm Really Weary! (off. to women from England)
  6. Endangered Species
  7. A Revised Cherry Tree Story
  8. Him vs Her
  9. <humor> Call for Presidential Support plus
             Disneyland Trip Offer
 10. The pet
 11. Another Titanic Story :-)
 12. The Food Addict (Pun)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Sep 1998 11:58:35 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Marriage With An IT Gal? <clean>
 
Your Wife Is A Software Engineer....
 
Husband comes home from work. Software engineer wife is clicking
away to glory , surfing the Net...
Husband: "Hi Darling , I am home !"
Wife: "You have now reached the most interesting site. Continue,"
 
H: "U know, I had a rough day at work today! I need some strong
    coffee now to get back to my normal self !"
W: "Script error !, Coffee beans not found !"
H: "What ! Swell !, I will have some coke then (Huh).
    Whats for dinner?"
W: "Improper cookware found at this site. Contact
    <http://www.iloveya.com/chaps> and
    download the latest version now !"
H: "What the he.. What happened to all that stuff my mom sent ?"
W: "Incompatible with the new oven installed !
    Authentication code mismatch !"
H: "Oh Man !, Okay Okay , I will buy new stuff then !
    Can I get anything to eat now ?"
W: "Cookies found in the jar on the table.
    Do u wish to download them ?"
 
Poor husband grabs some cookies and gulps a quart of coke.
Somewhat rejuvenated, reaches wife and puts his arms around her.
 
W: "Danger ! You have reached a very sensitive area on the net. You
    should be over 18 and should have proper authority to access
    this site. Identify yourself or else you will be booted out !"
H: "Hey ! Its me ! Your Husband !!!!!"
W: "Permission granted... Continue exploring one of the most
    interesting sites on the universe !"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Sep 1998 02:30:01 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: Those Wacky Gals!(adult)

 
What do Lucille Ball and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
 
They both had sex with a Cuban.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Sep 1998 04:05:16 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Famous Last Words
 
* This will be a short meeting
 
* You can put it together yourself in five minutes
 
* One slice of pizza won't blow my diet
 
* You'll housebreak him in no time at all
 
* They'll feel terrific once you break them in
 
* We've been in business for 30 years, we're not going anywhere
 
* When it sez "empty" there's always a gallon or two left
 
* If you knew anything at all, you wouldn't be a Traffic Cop
 
* You can make it -- that truck isn't coming all that fast
 
* Of course bring the kids
 
* That's not poison oak
 
* I don't burn, I tan
 
* Take off your clothes, the doctor will be right with you
 
* Your table will be ready in 5 minutes
 
* Of course they're mushrooms, toadstools come to a point
 
* No trouble at all, don't give it a second thought
 
* We service what we sell
 
* Believe me, nobody's dressing up
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Sep 1998 11:52:08 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Unix humour <geeky>
 
From: alt.folklore.computers, 1989 (I am told that those are actual
responses, but not being a Unix user I cannot corroborate).
 
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
 
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
 
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
 
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
 
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
 
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have? Too
many ('s.
 
% make love
Make:  Don't know how to make love.  Stop.
 
% sleep with me
bad character
 
% got a light?
No match.
 
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
 
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
 
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
 
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
 
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
 
$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
 
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Sep 1998 07:02:45 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: I'm Really Weary! (off. to women from England)
 
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned
from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He
had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton,
England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the
train looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was
directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being
used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please,
ma`am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her
nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such
a rude class of people.  Can`t you see my little Fifi is using that
seat?"
 
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself
again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he
asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I`m very tired." The English
woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are
you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!"
 
The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again
asked if he could please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you
Americans rude and arrogant, you`re also very inconsiderate."  The
soldier didn`t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down
in the empty seat.
 
An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know,
sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your
autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you`ve thrown
the wrong bitch out of the window!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Sep 1998 08:33:21 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Endangered Species
 
   One beautiful autumn day, a man was walking in the woods when he
got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out.
He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over
on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to
eat it.  Of course as luck would have it, as soon as he got
started, a couple of park rangers happen upon him and arrest him
for killing an endangered species.
   Later in court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him,
claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died
from starvation. To everyone's amazement, the judge ruled in his
favor! In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I would
like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never
eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it.  But I'd like to know:
What did it taste like?"
   The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a
whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Sep 1998 08:07:44 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A Revised Cherry Tree Story
 
"George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?"
 
"No, Dad."
 
"I think you are lying."

 
"No, no, no!  I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."
 
"Son, I saw you out here with your axe.  Your punishment will be
much worse for you if you lie.  Now, tell me the truth!"
 
"Dad, I answered your question truthfully.  Still, I must take
complete responsibility for all my actions.  While my answer was
legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.
 
"Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the
ground. To do this was wrong.  It constituted a critical lapse in
judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely
and completely responsible.
 
"I know my answer to you gave a false impression.  I misled you, my
own father.  I deeply regret that.
 
"I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a
desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.
 
"I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock.
 
"What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall.
Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop
off individual branches.
 
So, I chopped off branches, but I sawed down the tree. I did not
chop it down. Look at the saw cut  on the stump and the axe cuts on
the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth.
 
"I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and
to return our attention to a solid family relationship."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Sep 1998 09:56:18 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Him vs Her
 
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every   
   night?
A: A widow.
 
Q: When do you care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.
 
Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the
   bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
 
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
   Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I must be able to do better than that.
 
Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "Practice makes perfect."
 
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in
   common?
A: They're married.
 
Q: What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying
   great sex?
A: "Honey! I'm home!"
 
Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
A: He wouldn't ask for directions
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Sep 1998 09:58:45 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <humor> Call for Presidential Support plus
                 Disneyland Trip Offer
 
Hello Disney fans,
 
I'm sure all of your heard about our recent experiment in e-mail
tracing. We worked with Microsorft to develop an e-mail tracing
program that tracks everyone to whom this message is forwarded.  It
does this through an unique IP (Internet Protocol) address log book
database.  We have recently given away 50,000 free trips to
Disneyland for participation in this experiment.
 
We are now faced with the first crucial test of this technology.
The Republicans are threatening to overturn the results of the last
Presidential election.  We hope to use the e-mail tracing program
to establish a list of all those who support the office of the
President of the United States and the results of the last
election.  Please note, to join us in this effort, you do not have
to support Bill Clinton personally.  You do not have to approve of
lying, perjury, his definition of "sexual relations", or his taste
in cigar condiments.  You simply have to support the notion that if
the American people want to elect a lying, philandering man to be
President, they have every right to do so, especially if the
Republicans insist on nominating Bob Dole.
 
To participate in this initial use of our e-mail tracing
technology, please do the following upon receipt of this message:
 
1) Please send messages to your Congressional Representatives
   opposing impeachment.  You can find them at www.senate.gov and
   www.house.gov.
 
2) Forward this message to 10 fellow travelers who support
   democratic elections as the method for replacing the chief
   executive.
 
As an incentive to participate, Bill Gaates of the Microsorft
Corporation has offered to fly the first 100,000 people who fulfill
criteria 1 and 2 to Disneyland for an all expenses paid one (1)
week vacation.  -- Of course, this will be a vacation in a strictly
limited legal sense.
 
Bill has offered to spend a small fraction of his personal fortune
in this manner in support of our democratic institution and another
guy named Bill.
 
Thank you for your help in this critical time.
 
The Committee to Right the Essential Electoral Process
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Sep 1998 15:11:09 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: The pet
 
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy
a pet that can do everything.
 
The owner says "How about a dog?"
 
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
 
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
 
The man replies, "No way!  A cat certainly can't do everything. I
want a pet that can do everything!"
 
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it!  A
centipede!"
 
The man says, "A centipede?  I can't imagine a centipede doing
everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the
centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
 
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and...  it's
immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried,
and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling;
the floor waxed.  He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede,
"Go clean the living room."
 
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has
been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the
sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is
the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that
can do everything."
 
He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a
newspaper."
 
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.
 
20 minutes later... no centipede.  30 minutes later... no
centipede.
 
The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have
been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no
centipede!  He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the
centipede run away?  Did it get run over by a car? Where is that
centipede?
 
He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's the centipede
sitting right outside. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the
corner 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the story?!"
 
The centipede says, "I'm goin'!  I'm goin'!  I'm just puttin' on my
shoes!"
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Sep 1998 17:37:11 EDT
From:    J e n <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Another Titanic Story :-)
 
TITANIC -- ABRIDGED VERSION
 
(Scene 1)
 
KATE WINSLET: My, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
 
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes, it certainly is.  Here is the art you
asked for.  It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he
will amount to nothing.
 
KATE: Ha ha ha.  That is very funny to our 90's audience, because
they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
 
LEONARDO DiCAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio.  Perhaps you have
seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me.  You
are very pretty.
 
KATE: Thank you.  So are you.
 
LEONARDO: I know.  Prettier than you, in fact.  I am going to put
on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming
back again and again to see this movie.  Later, my white shirt will
be soaking wet. Women will find this very attractive, even though I
have the body of a 12 year old.
 
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here
and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested
until the boat sinks and people start dying.
 
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me.  I do not like you, Leonardo, even
though you saved my fiance's life.  I am going to sneer at you and
treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be
physically abusive to my fiance, and then, just to make sure the
audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely
one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw a small child into the water.
 
AUDIENCE: Boo!  We hate you!  Even though all real people have at
least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of
yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate,
and so therefore we hate you!  Boo!  (Even though technically it is
Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate.  But Leonardo is
handsomer than you, even though he is only 12, so we are on his
side.  Boo!)
 
(Scene 2)
 
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat
on your fiance.
 
KATE: So am I.  Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot
climb into the back seat of a car (probably his) and steam up the
windows together.  The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will
no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though
they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do
the same thing to me.
 
AUDIENCE: Damn straight we would !  Moo!  We mean, Boo!
 
LEONARDO: I agree.  First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
course you have to take off all your clothes.
 
KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at
all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not
stand for that sort of thing?
 
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks
the film is in release, every single showing at the Wynnsong
Theater in Provo will sell out.
 
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is
exactly what happened.
 
KATE: All right, then.  (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
 
(Scene 3)
 
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg!
 
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink.  (sound of
drinking)
 
ICEBERG: (hits boat)
 
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
 
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
 
AUDIENCE: Huh?
 
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
 
AUDIENCE: Baa!  Moo!  Where's Leonardo?
 
(Scene 4)
 
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
 
KATE: That is terrible.  And I am the only passenger that has
noticed that there are not enough lifeboats!  Everybody else took
New Math in school.
 
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-
justified-because-we're-pretty behavior?
 
KATE: Certainly.  (kisses him)
 
WEASELLY FIANCE: I'm getting the raw end of the deal here: (to
Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-
somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to falsely
accuse you of a crime, then handcuff you to this pipe here in a
room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we
are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
 
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
 
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and
save Kate from me.  Also, all of the women in the audience would
get up and leave.  Of course, you're going to die anyway.
 
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us!  Booooooo!!
 
LEONARDO: He's right, though.  I am doomed.  It's in the script.
 
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed!
 
WEASELLY FIANCE: I really hate you people.
 
(Scene 5)
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiance and helped me float on a board in the water.  Of course, if
it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an
actual lifeboat to begin with, and not nearly frozen my butt off.
Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand
years old, and who's making my supper?  I need another Depends.
Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt.  You kids
today, with your loud music.  Why, in my day - hey!  Don't you walk
away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie Oceanologist!  I'd turn you over
my knee, if I could bend it.  I'll beat you in the head with this
huge extremely rare blue diamond!  Hey, come back here!
 
(FADE TO BLACK; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song
again.)
 
THE END
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 22 Sep 1998 17:52:42 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Food Addict (Pun)
 
This guy that continually gains weight and is very sick and fat. He
is always eating turkey right from the refrigerator.  It keeps
making him sick and fatter but he can't stop. His friends and
family worry about him but he keeps on with his addiction.
 
Finally, after years of sickness, he stops and loses a lot of
weight and looks great.  His friends ask him how he did it.
He says... "I quit cold turkey." (By Ed Hexler)
 
And the quote of the day:
 
"Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions
of sex acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who
provide the media with pornographic material while pretending it
has some redeeming social value under the public's 'right to
know'."
 
Kenneth Starr, 1987, "Sixty Minutes" interview with Dianne Sawyer.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Sep 1998 to 23 Sep 1998
************************************************
 
