HUMOR Digest - 21 Sep 1998 to 22 Sep 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 424 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Young Love
  2. That's Not Mine!!! (adult)
  3. It's Over
  4. The San Francisco Math Quiz
  5. A Few Jokes <adult, language>
  6. Dreadful comments & questions about current events
  7. Alien's point of vue: twilight zone
  8. Five kinds of sex <adults only: f..word>
  9. AOL ANgeL
 10. Alexander The Great (Shaggy Dog Story)
 
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Date:    Mon, 21 Sep 1998 04:36:10 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Young Love
 
* Young teen to friend: "I'll never understand girls, even if I
                         should live to be twenty."
                             - - - - -
 
Frustrated fem: "And if I turn you down, you'll kill yourself,
                 right ?"
   Anxious boy: "Well... that's what I usually do."
                             - - - - -
 
* "Ohhhh Harold." wailed the young miss. "If there was a weather
report on your brain, it would be 'Dense fog --
relative stupidity 100%'."
                             - - - - -
 
* As they were parked in front of her house, the young girl told
  her date, "You know, we're an awful lot like Romeo and Juliet.
  My dad sez he's going to kill you."
                             - - - - -
 
* A young teen sent his girlfriend a dozen long stemmed roses. It
  had the following note on the attached card: "With all my love,
  and most of my allowance.
                             - - - - -
 
*   The Yuppie and Yuppette, ever alert to "appearances", were both
  very concerned over the girl their son was dating.
    "Son..." the Father began, "I should think you'd be a little
  more particular over the company you keep."
    "Dad," the boy replied, "If you're talking about Mitzi, I'm
  sorry but she's the best girl I can get with the car I have."
                             - - - - -
 
*   The scrawny young miss with train-track braces on her teeth and
  an overly large retainer was hanging near the library's
  information desk as if she wanted to ask a question, but was
  afraid to.  Finally, the librarian smiled at the shy lil' girl
  and said, "Is there something I can help you find ?"
    "Well..." she blushed. "would you know if you have a current
  copy of 'Scouting for Boys' ?"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Sep 1998 06:52:27 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: That's Not Mine!!! (adult)
 
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the
passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady
stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was
sexually harassed!" The driver didn't think much of this
complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
 
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again,
a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir,
I believe I was sexually harassed!" This time, he knew it had to be
taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and
he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any
knowledge of what was going on.
 
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath
the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could
I help you?" The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you
sure can.  I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought
I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and
mine's parted on the side!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Sep 1998 09:01:37 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: It's Over
 
The budding director was sitting alongside the veteran as he was
auditioning promising young performers for an upcoming variety
show. The young learner was amazed at how many different ways this
old timer could terminate a performance!  There was the chop across
the throat, the upraised face and hands, and many many more!  When
the young man commented on it after the auditions, his mentor said
"Well, son, when you get to my age you learn that there is more
than one way to can a skit".
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Sep 1998 09:36:45 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The San Francisco Math Quiz
 
 1. Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment
    ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and
    they walk at a rate of 3/4 mile per hour, how much time will
    they spend discussing their relationship in public?
 
 2. Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother.
    If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent,
    but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how
    long will it take before he's ready to go home if 1 person
    walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?
 
 3. Sanjeev has 7 piercings.  If the likelihood of getting
    cellulitis on any given day is 10% per piercing, what is the
    likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew his erythromycin
    prescription during the next week?
 
 4. Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda and sell it at
    a 20% profit.  If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps,
    how much should Nicole write the check for?
 
 5. The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats
    infesting downtown.  If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a
    candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?
 
 6. A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are
    tossed randomly in a drawer.  What is the likelihood that the
    first two socks drawn will be socks of color?
 
 7. George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every
    morning. If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine,
    what is George's average caffeine density in mg/pound?
 
 8. There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle
    plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and
    buys one polar fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have
    a monthly plastic surplus or deficit?
 
    Bonus question:  Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter
                     size, how much Evian are they drinking?
 
 9. If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30
    seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers,
    how long will it take five vegans to not eat them?
 
10. Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his
    wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many
    legs did he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches
    the other end and met only one double-amputee?
 
Advanced Placement Students Only:
 
11. Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom
    apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month.  Effie and Trip can
    share one bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms
    with separate ISDN lines to run their web servers.  None of
    them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and
    they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning
    Man.
 
   What is their best option:
     a. All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun
        monitors at Mission High.
     b. Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and
        Trip's bedroom for $500/month.
     c. Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her
        annual digital-artists-of-color stipend.
     d. Rent strike
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Sep 1998 10:26:19 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: A Few Jokes <adult, language>
 
   A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
   "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
   "That's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your
wife?"
    The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
 
                 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Q: Did you hear about the three gay guys who attacked a woman?

A: Two held her down while the other did her hair.
 
                 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
   Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.  One complained to the
other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month,
I'm going to lose my fucking ass."
   Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.
   "That's okay," the blonde replied, "I have a very similar
problem... If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose
my fucking car."
 
                 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Q: What do Roseanne and a coke dealer have in common?
 
A: 300 pounds of crack.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Sep 1998 13:09:40 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Dreadful comments & questions about current events
 
When you hear "it's only about sex," do you hear a faint echo
saying, "It's only a third-rate burglary?"
 
Judge Starr says that his report is not about sex, but about
perjury and obstruction of justice. The House Republicans claim
that releasing videotapes of President Clinton's grand jury
testimony is not about sex, but about the public's right of know.
The are lying. It is the sex.
 
One photojournalist to another: If you came across Bill Clinton
struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing
him or getting a great photograph, what shutter speed would you
use?
 
Having a dog is the closet you can come to picking your own
relatives.
 
To the guy who is having affairs with married women: Thank you!
My wife has been in a much better mood the past few weeks.
 
Thought for the day for the single guy: You're looking for love in
all the WRONG places.
 
The best thing about being unemployed is taht it gives you more
time to devote to getting the house clean before the cleaning lady
comes.
 
The devil lives in vacuum cleaners and all dogs know it.
 
The reason Georgia and South Carolina are battling it out to see
who will be dead last in the SAT scores is because they think it
will give them the No. 1 draft pick.
 
Some people in the younger generation do say please and thank you
but the older generation wouldn't know because they don't listen to
us in the first place.
 
Attention all federal prisoners: Clinton is big on forgiveness. Now
is an ideal time to seek a presidential pardon.
 
I asked the female telemarketer out on a date and now she calls me
every day.
 
My parents spend a lot of money on taxes, but I still have to speed
two class periods in a trailer.
 
 
Source: www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Sep 1998 19:59:50 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: Alien's point of vue: twilight zone
 
    Hello, again, manlings!
 
   Have you ever woke up in the morning, having a feeling that
everything is changed, and it just looks similar? That all persons
you know have been replaced with alien drones who look the same?
When you have the feeling that the doorbell will ring, and you'll
be there, wearing just your tie, and the house will be surrounded
by fireman, and there will be a small boy on the door step, with
big, sad eyes, telling you: "Will you be my daddy?"
    Ok, you got the idea. There is this human friend of mine, Leo,
which tells me that he has this feeling every now and then. I'll
tell you a funny thing: sometimes I have it too.
    From MY point of vue, I AM living on a alien planet, surrounded
by aliens.  So, it's kind of normal.  But, SOME days, I have this
total paranoid feeling.
    I have the feeling that a second alien specie changed overnite
all the aliens around me (aliens which I don't even know) and
replaced them with another aliens, even more strange and unknown.
You call this paranoia. Me, I call this surviving instinct.
    Talking about paranoia: I remember a nice drawing. It pictured
a man on a chair. The man is thinking: "I'm definitely paranoiac.
But... am I paranoiac enough?"
    This whole planet gives me the wrong feeling. I see a nice
feline on the street, and instead of roaring, it meows! You can't
play chess with gas pumps and you can't eat other people's
concepts. Not because of the copyright, but because it's different
here.
    You know what kicks my hat? EVERYBODY I know tells me that I
really fit in the society. That really makes me feel like an alien!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Sep 1998 15:47:39 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Five kinds of sex <adults only: f..word>
 
The 5 Kinds of Sex:
 
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon
   period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
 
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
   marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the
   kitchen.
 
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps
   have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
 
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you
   pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
 
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when
   you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone
   in the courtroom.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Sep 1998 21:58:33 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: AOL ANgeL
 
A woman knocked on the Pearly Gates
Her face was scarred and old
She trembled and she shook with fear
She was just about to fold.
 
"What have you done?" St. Peter asked,
"...to gain admission here?"
"I've been a loyal AOL user, sir,
for many, many years."
 
The Pearly Gate swung open wide
St. Peter rung the bell
"Come in and choose your harp," he said,
"you've had your share of hell."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Sep 1998 18:20:51 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Alexander The Great (Shaggy Dog Story)
 
The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day,
but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them.
Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He
always held the meetings at 6:00 P. M. each day after the day's
battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let
the time slip up on them and missed the 6:00 P. M. staff meeting.
This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!
 
So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a
method of determining the time at 6:00 P. M. each day. There were
no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried
around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my
staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to
be 6:00 P. M.," he said, "Cost is no object."
 
A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions,
his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance
away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that
changed color at 6:00 P. M. each evening. They found that by dyeing
strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see
when it was 6:00 P. M. by the color change, and could consistently
get to the 6:00 P. M. meetings on time. Needless to say this
pleased Alexander very much.
 
It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a
name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market
potential in the strips.
 
"It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the
color change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to
call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for
being too bland and obvious.
 
Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the naval and
could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the
Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too
weird and too technical sounding for the general public.
 
A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn
around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it
reached 6:00 P. M., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but
this was rejected as too threatening.
 
Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent,
spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a timeband, and
in honor of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as...
'Alexander's Rag Timeband!'
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Sep 1998 to 22 Sep 1998
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