HUMOR Digest - 20 Sep 1998 to 21 Sep 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 456 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Jewish Humor
  2. Suggestions for Tashlich
  3. Doing Laundry <adult>
  4. I just can't help it!!!
  5. Riddles from PUNY
  6. Pre-nup question (pun - adult)
  7. CLASSY DAME
  8. Politics <slightly adult>
  9. Sounds Logical..<clean>
 10. The Schitt family tree <less offensive than the Star Report>
 
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Date:    Sun, 20 Sep 1998 03:23:04 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Jewish Humor
 
  September 21st begins Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year:
  L'Shana Tova o' Metukah !!! Shant Shalom v osher v osher
        (A year of peace, happiness and prosperity)
 
* Like a lot of other religions, they're also experiencing a
  resurgence of their faith.  In fact, one young Jewish girl
  I know was so very impressed after she had read Exodus, she
  had her nose changed back.
                           - - - - -
 
* To help their congregation better cope with modern times, one
  local synagogue decided to offer a course in time management.
  A member telephoned and asked the Rabbi what time it started.
  He replied, "Oh... fivish, sixish."
                           - - - - -
 
* Jewish Mothers don't differ from any other in the world when it
  comes to bragging about their sons.  One Mother, trying to out-do
  another when it came to opportunities available to their just
  graduated-from-college sons said, "My Irvin has had so many fine
  interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing."
                           - - - - -
 
* The Jewish dietary laws were logical for a desert environment and
  no refrigeration; pork is prohibited and so is shellfish. Passing
  by an outdoor cafe, a Rabbi saw one of his flock with a plate of
  oysters.  He said, "Sol -- it's 'the holidays'!!!"   Sol replied,
  "What's the problem Rabbi ???  There's an 'R' in 'Kippur'."
                           - - - - -
 
* Like a lot of religions, the Jews attempt to carry their beliefs,
  traditions and laws into their every-day lives. Even the military
  in Israel is operated under strict religious laws. All of their
  generals have 3 baskets on their desks for their correspondence:
  "Sacred", "Top Sacred" and "OY, Don't Ask !"
                           - - - - -
 
* For a long time, Jewish couples resisted the idea of divorce, but
  times change.  Recently in Howard County a Jewish couple filed
  for divorce.  The woman was testifying & explaining her "Bad
  marriage" to the Judge. She said, "That's my side of the story,
  your honor, now let me tell you his."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests 1997-1998:
     (text)  www2.crosswinds.net/baltimore/~jimjr
      (zip)  www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Sep 1998 07:13:40 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Suggestions for Tashlich
 
Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the
house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead,
this coming Rosh Hashanah consider these options:
 
  For ordinary sins, use White Bread
  For exotic sins, French Bread
  For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
  For complex sins, Multi-grain
  For twisted sins, Pretzels
  For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
  For sins of indecision, Waffles
  For sins committed in haste, Matzah
  For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzah
  For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread
  For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
  For committing arson, Toast
  For committing auto theft, Caraway
  For being ill tempered, Sourdough
  For silliness, Nut Bread
  For not giving full value, Shortbread
  For jingoism, Yankee Doodles
  For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
  For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
  For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts
  For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
  For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
  For immodest dressing, Tarts
  For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
  For promiscuity, Hot Buns
  For racism, Crackers
  For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers
  For davvening off tune, Flat Bread
  For being holier than thou, Bagels
  For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
  For indecent photography, Cheese Cake
  For trashing the environment, Dumplings
  For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
  For sins of pride, Puff Pastry
  For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
  For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams
  For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
  For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
  For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
  For inhaling, Stoned Wheat
 
  Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Sep 1998 09:46:51 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Doing Laundry <adult>
 
A young couple got married.  On their honeymoon, they were very
anxious to consummate the marriage because they were both virgins.
They had saved themselves for the right partner and for marriage.
Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable
discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the
laundry" to use in place of "making love" or "having sex."  This
made them both more comfortable with the whole concept.
 
Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful.  They both
had many years of pent up sexual frustration to expend so they "did
the laundry" no less than 5 times that first night, and finally
fell asleep together completely exhausted.  In the middle of the
night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry
again.  He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the
laundry again?" but she was very tired, and all of this new
abrasive activity had taken its toll on her body.  She told him
that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning.
 
A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty.  Her new
husband had saved himself for her for many years.  What he had
asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead
and "do the laundry" with him again.  She gently shook him and
said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you...  We can do the laundry
again if you want," and he replied, "That's ok...  It was a small
load...  I did it by hand."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Sep 1998 09:57:28 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: I just can't help it!!!
 
   Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he
decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he
arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke
to the pastor.  "Father, I am sinful."
   "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive
you."  "Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend,
it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us.
Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her
sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "
   "That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."
"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her but nobody
was around except for one of her colleagues so I slept with her
too."  "That's not very good of you."
   "Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for
her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her
too."
   "Father? ... Father?" suddenly this guy realised that there was
no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the
Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.
   "Father? Where are you?" He searched high and low, and finally
he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why
are you hiding here?"
   "Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here
except me."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Sep 1998 09:49:22 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Riddles from PUNY
 
1. What clichi could've been used to describe Argentina's Mrs.
   Peron if she were timid or lacked courage?
 
2. What kind of doctor is available 24 hours a day?
 
3. Why did Ginger Roger's dance partner take the escalator?
 
4. What single word might you say to Bo Derek that would really
   piss her off?
 
5. What tool do police use when they need to round up cross
   dressing prostitutes?
 
6. Why do parents of 5 identical siblings find it inexpensive to
   travel by commercial airlines?
 
7. What archaic stationery product do people often use in
   attempting to quiet down noisy upstairs neighbors?
 
8. The police smelled the fumes coming from his car and arrested
   the winner of the famous 500 mile auto race. With what was he
   charged?
 
 
ANSWERS:
 
1. She has Evita clay.
 
2. An on-callogist
 
3. He was afraid o'stairs (Fred Astaire)
 
4. Urinate!
 
5. A dragnet
 
6. Most airlines have free quint flyer programs
 
7. Ceiling whacks
 
8. Indy-scent exposure
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Sep 1998 22:31:23 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: Pre-nup question (pun - adult)
 
I asked my future bride:
"Do ya perform fellatio?"
She replied:
"I dunno, depends on the fellow!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Sep 1998 18:00:23 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: CLASSY DAME
 
A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
lounge.  He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon
discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently
very intelligent.  Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his
collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors
and offered he a glass of wine.
 
He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh,
Sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods,  Just
looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious
sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous
liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and
I'm lifted on the wings of ecstacy. It seems as though I'm about to
drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sounds
of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I am
transported into another world...
On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Sep 1998 20:50:47 -0400
From:    Badi'i <badii@CARIBSURF.COM>
Subject: Politics <slightly adult>
 
SON: "Dad, I have to do a special report at school. Can I ask you a
      question?"
DAD: "Sure son, what's the question?"
SON: "What is POLITICS?"
DAD: "Well, lets take our home for example. I am the wage earner,
      so let's call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator
      of the money, so we'll call her GOVERNMENT. We take care of
      you and your needs, so let's call you the PEOPLE. We'll call
      the maid the WORKING CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE.
      Do you understand?"
SON: "I'm not really sure Dad, I'll have to think about it.
 
That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying so the
boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby seriously
soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent's room and found
mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where peeking
through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The
boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and maid, so the
boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
 
                     --- The next morning ---
 
SON: "Dad, now I think I understand POLITICS.
DAD: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words."
SON: "Well Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the
      GOVERNMENT is fast asleep. The PEOPLE are being completely
      ignored, and the FUTURE is full of shit.
 
 
Source: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/6055
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 21 Sep 1998 11:09:25 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao <chaps@TC4HQ.CMCLTD.COM>
Subject: Sounds Logical..<clean>
 
Suddenly one of the employees in an organisation took 10 days leave
without any notice. When he returned his PL asked for explanation.
The employee said "sir, my mom died unexpectedly"...
The PL let it go at that..
After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time he said his
father died....
Then, the PL got changed..
 
After 3 months the same pattern repeated..
And the employee gave the explanation that his mom died...
 
After 3 months same thing again, and this time his father died..
 
This happened repeatedly for 5 PLs..
 
At the end, one PL checked his past records and told him
 
"I have caught you red handed, How come in the past 2 years, your
mom has died 5 times, and your dad has died five times?"
 
To which the guy said,
Sir, My mom died and my father remarried.
Then my father died and my new mom remarried..
Then my mom died and the new father remarried..
This has been going on and on...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 20 Sep 1998 22:58:04 -0700
From:    Jim Stewart <jstewart@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: The Schitt family tree
         <less offensive than the Star Report>
 
If you don't know Jack Schitt
The Lineage Revealed
 
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says,
"you don't know Jack Schitt."  Now you can handle the situation.
 
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.  Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep
Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply
religious couple produced six children:  Holie Schitt, the twins,
Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Give Schitt and Bull
Schitt, a high school dropout.
 
After being married for fifteen years, Jack and Noe divorced.  Noe
later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with
them, she wanted to keep her previous name.  She was known as Noe
Schitt Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a
cowardly son, Chicken Schitt.  Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were
inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the
Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
 
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.  Bull Schitt,
the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently
returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
 
Now when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct
him or her.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Sep 1998 to 21 Sep 1998
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