HUMOR Digest - 19 Sep 1998 to 20 Sep 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 723 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Bumper Stickers <not offensive>
  2. Crime in the USA
  3. 101 uses for those AOL disks.. we all have.
  4. Special High Intensity Training <adult language>
  5. Courage <language>
  6. TAILS: Kitty humour (fwd)
  7. Lying About the Minister
  8. Health Insurance <sexual content>
  9. 'Twas the Night Before Crisis  <some adult content>
 10. Dogs and Cats
 11. Witty comments & questions about contemporary events
 12. National Farm Safety Week
 13. Bear in Boise (Shaggy Dog Story)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 19 Sep 1998 01:32:18 -0700
From:    Jim Stewart <jstewart@EARTHLINK.NET>
Subject: Bumper Stickers <not offensive>
 
     (These were sent me by my friend in Arkansas)
 
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
 
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
 
All generalizations are false.
 
Cover me.  I'm changing lanes.
 
I brake for no apparent reason.
 
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
 
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
 
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
 
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
 
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
 
Rehab is for quitters.
 
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
 
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
 
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
 
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
 
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
 
No radio - Already stolen.
 
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

 
Few women admit their age;  Fewer men act it.
 
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
 
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
 
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
 
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
 
Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
 
There are 3 kinds of people:
those who can count & those who can't.
 
Caution:  I drive like you do.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 19 Sep 1998 05:25:43 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Crime in the USA
 
* I really don't know what we're going to put the criminals today.
  I mean the prisons, the White House and Congress are all full.
                             - - - - -
 
* I saw where a burglar alarm company in the City is moving to the
  suburbs because they keep getting robbed.
                             - - - - -
 
* A couple I know from Columbia had two children.  The first was a
  former member of Clinton's Cabinet; the other one's in jail too.
                             - - - - -
 
* I think I may be onto the root of the problem with crime in the
  US.  We have about ten million or so laws designed to enforce
  the Ten Commandments.
                             - - - - -
 
* Did y'all hear about the Mafia's new policy on warning people. No
  more dead fish on the doorstep.  I mean this is the 90's after
  all.  Now, they just send "get-well" cards a month before they're
  needed.
                             - - - - -
 
* A petty crook's kid brings his report card for his Father to
  sign. The Father looked at the poor grades and sighed saying,
  "Aren't you old enough yet to forge my name ?"
                             - - - - -
 
* Had a visitor from New York who insisted on going to the Inner
  Harbor in Baltimore late at nite.  He returned several hours
  later and said he felt right at home -- he was mugged.
                             - - - - -
 
* The Mayor of Baltimore keeps insisting that the media are grossly
  exaggerating the amount of crime in the City. That may well be,
  but I notice in the City's elementary schools this year, 4
  recesses a day are scheduled so the kids can talk to their parole
  officers.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Sep 1998 11:08:50 -0400
From:    Alle J Paranoia <taffy36@JUNO.COM>
Subject: 101 uses for those AOL disks.. we all have.
 
 1. Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal
    door for knife).
 2. Attach it to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly swatter.
 3. Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
 4. At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
 5. Money clip (use metal door and discard the plastic case...
    the "rich nerd" look is IN this year).
 6. Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
 7. Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
 8. Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
 9. Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as
    re-entry burn tiles.
10. Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
11. Room dividers for hamsters.
12. Drink coasters.
13. Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
14. Ice scraper.
15. Bathroom tile.
16. Bookmark.
17. Mini frisbee.
18. Air hockey puck.
19. Dog chew toy.
20. Dart board.
21. Pooper scooper.
22. Grill scraper.
23. Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a
    tree).
24. Wrist slicer - after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
25. Conversation piece for coffee table.
26. Destroy them - smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
27. Light switch cover.
28. Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
29. Clay pigeons for target practice.
30. Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
31. Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
32. Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
33. Firewood.
34. Bird house.
35. Paper weights.
36. Pen holders (make a box without a top).
37. Post it-notes holder.
38. Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
39. A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when
    parking on soft surfaces.
40. Keep 'em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
41. Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the
    sun/moon - actually works).
42. Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled
    by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
43. Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
44. Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the
    incense.
45. Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car's hood).
46. Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
47. Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
48. Hand them out as party favors.
49. Hidden/spare key holder (crack open 1 side, insert key and then
    place near door. Completely safe - who would want an AOL disk?)
50. Vertical blinds.
51. Be an AOL diskette surgeon and dissect a diskette.
52. Bench press weights (I can press 120).
53. Grind 'em up and refertilize the front lawn.
54. The new "Domino's stuffed-crust pizza" filling.
55. Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
56. Brake shoes.
57. House insulation.
58. Recycle them for the scrap metal.
59. Kitchen tile for Bill Gates' new mansion in Seatle (walk all
    over the competition)
60. Hockey Puck.
61. Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
62. Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable
    baseball cards).
63. Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk... makes the
    perfect pet.
64. Poker chips.
65. Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with
    the bat)
66. Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the writeprotect holes
    and you've got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the
    office).
67. Mail to 10 friends-start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with
    each link).
68. Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped
    piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
69. Grind them up to make fake snow.
70. Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
71. Dental floss (use actual disk).
72. Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
73. When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck
    of cards
74. Use them to fill potholes.
75. Hood ornament.
76. Snow blower replacement blades.
77. Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
78. Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
79. Rubic's cube case (make into box).
80. Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the
    mail).
81. Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
82. Snack trays (great for holding hors d'oeuvres at parties).
83. Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who piss you
    off.
84. Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang
    2" apart and apply honey to disks).
85. Pocket protector (gee Gilbert I really like your new pocket
    protector - thanks Lewis).
86. They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbor's back yard.
    Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
87. Use them as elbow and knee pads.
88. Wax scraper for snowboards.
89. Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City
    under water
90. Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
91. Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
92. A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
93. Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
94. Row markers for your vegetable garden.
    (carrots, beans, peas....)
95. Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
96. Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center -
    use about 100).
97. Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
98. Baby mobile.
99. Fence (may need a few thousand).
100. Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer
     nerds.
101. Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 19 Sep 1998 12:38:10 -0400
From:    Badi'i <badii@CARIBSURF.COM>
Subject: Special High Intensity Training <adult language>
 
To:All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T)
 
In order to assure the highest levels of quality in the work and
productivity from our employees, it will now be our policy to
regularly train everyone through our longstanding program of
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give
our employees more S.H.I.T. than other offices. If you feel that
you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see
your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list.
 
As you know, our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that
you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take
S.H.I.T. will be placed in the DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION
PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.
S.H.I.T. seriously will have to attend the supplemental program,
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your
supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't
have to take S.H.I.T. anymore. Obviously, they are full of S.H.I.T.
already.
 
If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may qualify for the supervisory or
training position, either giving S.H.I.T. to fellow employees or
training other to take S.H.I.T. We can add your name to our BASIC
UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those of you who
become skilled in B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and
eventually apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY
PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions,
please direct them to: HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY
TRAINING. (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
 
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
 
 
Source: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/6055
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 19 Sep 1998 12:50:39 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Courage <language>
 
Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a
rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to
the others, "My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces."
 
"Ha!", said Army, "My men are the most courageous and I'll prove
it." Army calls a Private over from the tower. He tells the
Private, "I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no
parachute."
 
"Yes, Sir!!!", the Private yells and proceeds to climb the tower.
The Private walks to the edge, yells "Hoo-ahh!", and jumps off the
tower. He is killed instantly upon impact.
 
"That's nothing," the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a
Senior Airman over. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower - no
rope, no parachute. And I want you to do it with style."
 
"Yes, Sir!!!", the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the
tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that
would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact.
 
"Hmmph," the Marine growled. "Ya'll obviously forgot the Marine
Corps was here", he said (yelling "Marine Corps!" as all Marines
tend to do.) He calls a Lance Corporal over. "Marine, I want you to
jump off that tower and make the Corps proud!"
 
The Corporal yells, "Ooh-rah!", by way of response and runs to the
tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps
the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style.  He climbs the
tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two
grenades into the air, yells "Semper Fi Do or Die!", and jumps off.
He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air, clipping treetops and
yelling the entire way down.  His impact is obscured by the two
exploding grenades. When the smoke clears, only little pieces of
the Marine are left.
 
The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration. Then
the Admiral says, "That's nothing". The others turn to face the
Admiral, their faces in disbelief. The Admiral calls a Seaman over
who was cleaning latrines.  "Son, I want you to jump off that
tower - no rope, no parachute."
 
The Seaman looks the Admiral in the face and says, "Fuck you!  You
kiss, my ass first!" and walks off.
 
The Admiral turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S courage!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 19 Sep 1998 11:56:39 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: TAILS: Kitty humour (fwd)
 
[Thanks to Lauren Wahl and T Gorca]
 
The Creation Story as told by PR Foxbrush Rusty Halo
 
 
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
 
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
 
On the third, God created all the animals of the
   earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
 
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that
   man could labor for the good of the cat.
 
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so
   that the cat might or might not play with it.
 
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science
   to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
 
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had
   to scoop the litterbox.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 19 Sep 1998 15:20:49 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Lying About the Minister
 
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends
I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an
expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among
us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Ku Klux
Klan.' This, of course, is not true!  I am asking that the guilty
party confess and apologize now - right here before my flock of
loyal followers."
 
Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I
don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my
close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 19 Sep 1998 14:31:41 PST
From:    J Hardwick <hardwickj@ESSEX.USMC.MIL>
Subject: Health Insurance <sexual content>
 
There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in
sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual
disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing
cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient
masturbating right there in the hallway.
 
"What condition does he have?" the student asks.
 
"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If
he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll
pass into a coma."
 
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the
hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his
pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
 
"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
 
"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a
better health plan."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 19 Sep 1998 17:10:47 EDT
From:    Steve Yothment <SteveYoth@AOL.COM>
Subject: 'Twas the Night Before Crisis  <some adult content>
 
I don't know the original source, but the following poem is in many
newsgroups:
 
 'Twas the night before crisis, and behind White House doors,
  Not a creature was stirring, especially Al Gore.
 
 The interns were nestled, dressed in their berets,
 In hopes that Saint Bubba, would come out to play.
 
 When on the East Lawn, there arose such a clatter,
 Even Sam Donaldson lost control of his bladder.
 
 Away to our TVs we flew like a flash,
 There's a special report, and it's pre-emptying M*A*S*H!
 
 And what to our wondering eyes should appear,
 But a homely lil' troll, with tapes for us to hear.
 
 With a K-Mart bought blazer, and a bad frizzy 'do,
 And a tale to be told -- to me, and to you.
 
 On the chair!  On the carpet!  On the Oval Office desk!
 With a chubby young intern, who was all eyes and chest.
 
 The Pres had been careless, indeed, dumb and dumber.
 Now the whole world knows Bubba got a hummer.
 
 And Monica Lewinsky emerged from the rubble,
 If she'd just kept her mouth shut, we'd not have all this trouble.
 
 And thus set in motion, a whole web o' spiders,
 With pundits galore, and "White House insiders."
 
 You ask, "Who would care about Bill and his penis?"
 Republican Ken Starr, and he's armed with subpoenas!
 
 More rapid than eagles, process servers, they flew!
 "Here's one for you!  And for you!  And you, too!"
 
 "Now Jordan!  Now Graham!  Is there anyone else?!?
 Let's subpoena the lawyers!  And Bubba himself!!"
 
 "We want you to tell us about Bill's private life,
 And anyone he sleeps with, 'cept, of course, his wife."
 
 And many months later, after long we've all suffered,
 Let's examine more closely just what Starr's uncovered.
 
 We've learned "Little Bill" has a mind of his own,
 And -horror of horrors- he likes to get blown!
 
 A funny fact surfaced, after 40 million bucks:
 Seems most people don't care just who Clinton, er, makes love to.
 
 The economy's great, and shows no signs of slowing.
 Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky NEVER stops blowing!
 
 Now the public's grown weary.  Will this sleaze never end?
 We just want to get back to "E.R." and to "Friends."
 
 So Monica, Linda, and Ken Starr, you all suck!
 Get the hell off our TVs, your 15 minutes are up!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 19 Sep 1998 17:07:32 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Dogs and Cats
 
   Dogs lick you because they love you.
 
   Cats lick you because you had chicken for dinner.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 19 Sep 1998 19:37:19 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Witty comments & questions about contemporary events
 
It sounds like low crimes and misdemeanors to me.
 
I hope Clinton never finds himself in the same room with Dr. Laura.
 
I asked my friend why he studied using Cliffs Notes. he said, "to
make a long story short."
 
My 11-year-old son says please and thank you. He also holds doors
for ladies. Guess how many thank-yous he gets in return? Zero.
 
The reason the younger generation never says thank you is because
the older generation did not teach us while we were still
teachable.
 
To the guy who asks female telemarketers on dates: If you do the
same with males, they will hang up ever faster.
 
Hurricane Earl was definitely a redneck. After all, he headed right
for Destin and Panama City.
 
To parents of entering kindergartners: We teachers will be glad to
teach your child how to spell his name after you teach him what it
is.
 
Why does Mayor Campbell (Atlanta) need two personal spokesmen?
Does he speak out of both sides of his mouth?
 
I was trying to figure out why almost all the people who park in
the fire lane at Kmart, Wal-Mart and grocery stores are fat and
suddenly it all made sense.
 
 
Source: www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 19 Sep 1998 18:45:29 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: National Farm Safety Week
 
National Farm Safety Week begins today, so remember:
 
* When traveling by brahma bull, even if you're short, don't offer
  to ride the hump.
* Trying to look confident in the presence of a skunk won't help.
* When skinny dipping in the pond, never trust a friendly turtle.
* Never wear your $95.00 Nikes to the barn.
* Always wear very thick gloves when bowling with a possum.
* Implanting a radio in a rooster may cause him to sleep late.
* Milking a cow can be very dangerous, especially if he doesn't
  want you to
* Never argue with a deranged rooster.
* Always hold your breath if you go out to watch the crop duster
  races.
* Never allow your pet armadillo to lick your face.
* Never order a Shirley Temple at a tractor pull.
* Make sure current birth control information is posted in the
  hayloft.
* Always stay at least five cow lengths ahead of the bull behind
  you.
* Never trust a screw worm with anything you truly cherish.
* Be especially careful when dynamiting tree stumps or Secretaries
  of Agriculture.
* Sooner or later the government will make it mandatory, so you
   might as well go ahead and install airbags on your tractor and a
   smoke alarm on your cow.
 
 
From Calendar Comedy at http://www.flash.net/~comedy
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 19 Sep 1998 16:54:18 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Bear in Boise (Shaggy Dog Story)
 
A bear goes into a bar in Boise, sits up at the bar and asks the
bartender for a beer. The bartender looks up and says "I'm sorry
but we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise." At this the
bear gets very upset, and says "If you don't give me a beer I'm
going to get really mad!" The bartender not wanting any trouble
says "I'm really sorry and I don't want you to get mad but, we
don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise."
 
Now at this point the bear is getting really mad! So he looks
around and sees a couple quietly having dinner. He gets up and
knocks the table over, the couple scream and run out. Now the bear
asks the bartender, "How did you like that? Do I get my beer now?"
 
The bartender says "I didn't like that at all! But, we don't serve
beers to bears in bars in Boise!"
 
The bear is getting visibly upset, "Look, if you don't give me that
beer I'm going to hurt someone!"
 
Now the crowd is getting nervous, the bartender again tries to calm
the now very, very upset bear down, "I'd really rather you not hurt
anyone, but I still can't give you that beer because we don't serve
beers to bears in bars in Boise!"
 
Well, at this point the bear jumps up and grabs the guy sitting
next to him and tears into him, ripping him to pieces. Everyone is
horrified and the poor guy crawls out the door. The bear feeling
sure he'll get his beer now says "So, how did you like that? How
about my beer?"
 
The bartender holds his ground and says "That was terrible!! I
really wish you wouldn't have done that but we do not serve beers
to bears in bars in Boise!"
 
So now the bear gets furious, "If you don't give me that beer I'm
going to kill someone!" Of course the bartender doesn't doubt it
but tells him "Please don't kill anyone! But we don't serve beers
to bears in bars in Boise!"
 
Well, as you can imagine the bear is crazy by now and looks to the
end of the bar and sees this sleazy, nasty woman with fishnet
stockings, sucking on a cigarette, guzzling down drinks.
 
So he gets up and goes down to her, rips her off the stool, tears
her in half, and rips out her guts. Blood goes everywhere as he
eats her up! He then turns to the bartender with blood dripping
from his mouth, "So!.. Now do I get that beer?"
 
The bartender is sickened by what he sees, "That was awful!! I sure
wish you wouldn't have done that because we also don't serve beers
to people that do drugs!"
 
Well the bear can't believe it, "I don't do drugs!"
 
The bartender replies "Oh, yes you do.. ... What about that bar
bitch you ate?"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 19 Sep 1998 to 20 Sep 1998
************************************************
 
