HUMOR Digest - 18 Sep 1998 to 19 Sep 1998
There are 9 messages totalling 370 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Romance <some adult humor>
  2. How Not To Raise Livestock (mature)
  3. Three Animals
  4. Did I dial ....?
  5. Humor shorts: cynical comments & questions
  6. Leprechaun <adult humor>
  7. "Little Johnny" jokes <adult humor>
  8. Cricket
  9. Robinson Caruso (Pun)
 
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Date:    Fri, 18 Sep 1998 04:00:44 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Romance <some adult humor>
 
* I once got the hell beat out of me fighting for a girl's honor.
  She wanted to keep it.
                            - - - - -

* Do any of you like me remember the good old days when the only
  problem you ever had parking a car was getting the girl to
  agree to it ?
                            - - - - -
 
*   The married boss said to his secretary, "Will you ever forget
  this weekend in Hilton Head ?"
    "Possibly." she replied, "What am I offered ?"
                            - - - - -
 
* The young man was trying hard to score with his latest flame. He
  asked her to have breakfast with him some morning, and she
  agreed.   "Shall I phone you, or nudge you ?" he asked.
                            - - - - -
 
*   The young lady said to her beau, "What did my father say when
  you asked for my hand in marriage ?"
    "Not a lot, really." replied the man.  "He threw his arms
  around me, began sobbing, and kept repeating, 'Oh, thank you.
  Thank you'."
                            - - - - -
 
* Like a lot of married men, I got the "You just don't appreciate
  me" speech once from Mrs JimJr.  I promised to treat her royally
  for the remainder of the day.  I took her to lunch at Burger King
  and Dairy Queen for dessert.  She's never mentioned it since.
                            - - - - -
 
* Before we moved to rural Howard County, our home was in a
  standard suburban development.  When my daughter became a teen,
  she had a boy so smitten with her that he'd walk his dog past the
  house a dozen or more times a day. Damn thing killed 2 trees and
  3 shrubs before she finally went out with him.
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Sep 1998 06:55:38 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: How Not To Raise Livestock (mature)
 
   On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking
out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's
only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless
to her. How could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In
a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
   When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he
too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot
himself in the head.
   Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the
bank. She said,"I've seen all and know the reason for your despair.
However, if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I
will restore your parents and the cow to you."
   The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply
unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
   Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The
mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a
row, then I will make everything right." And while the son tried
his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid,
so she drowned him in the river.
   The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow
in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a
hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself
in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has
happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex
with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that
all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
   The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he
said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she
was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY
times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will
have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody
back to perfect health."
   Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times
in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Sep 1998 08:48:01 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Three Animals
 
Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best:
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he
could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary
a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength --
none in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk,
insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any
creature. As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along
and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Sep 1998 09:47:12 PST
From:    J Hardwick <hardwickj@ESSEX.USMC.MIL>
Subject: Did I dial ....?
 
The VP of a large company calls home to tell his wife about the
large deal they closed. A strange woman answers. The man says, "Who
is this?!?"  "This is the maid," answered the woman.  "We don't
have a maid!"  "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the
house."
 
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm... she's
upstairs." "May I talk to her, please?"  "Well, sir, she's in the
bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
 
The guy is fuming. Then in a moment he will live to regret, he says
to the maid, "Listen, how would you like to make $100,000?" "What
do I have to do?"
 
"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that
witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The
guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.  The maid comes back
to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
 
"Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here!"
 Long pause...
 
"Uh .... is this 832-4821?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Sep 1998 14:45:27 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Humor shorts: cynical comments & questions
 
A word of caution to anyone who's into magnet therapy:
Don't go into a hardware store.
 
The SAT is culturally biased against Southerners.
It has no questions on creationism or pickup trucks.
 
I don't know much about drugs. I thought uppers were dentures.
 
Concerning Bill Clinton, I've had enough of the spin cycle.
It's time to hang him out to dry.
 
I have a friend with lung cancer who says he may have to give up
cigarettes. And they say they are not addictive?
 
Of course there's now a higher percentage of seat belt users.
The nonusers are slowly being killed off.
 
The idiots you see standing in line for hours to get a Beanie Baby
for their kid are the same fools who want to know why their little
darling isn't learning anything in school. Why? Because the apple
doesn't fall too far from the tree.

 
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to
a garage makes you a mechanic.
 
It always amazes me how many people think they know it all who
never pick up a newspaper or read a book.
 
Heck, this is the 1990s. If you need to know it all, you don't need
to read a newspaper or a book, you listen to talk radio.
 
I wonder if in the year 998, they were worrying about the Y1K
problem.
 
Is it true that the Gwinnet County Library board has banned Ken
Starr's report? (Gwinnet is a White Christian Republican county).
 
Clinton should resign, along with every member of Congress who had
an affair and concealed it. Let's clean out the hypocrites!
 
After repeatedly proclaiming to back the notion of keeping smut and
porngraphy off the Internet, Congress rushed as fast as it could to
put the Starr report online.
 
 
Sourte: http://www.accessaltanta.com/news/thevent/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Sep 1998 17:50:53 EDT
From:    J R S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Leprechaun <adult humor>
 
   A tall man was in the boys room taking a piss.  A short guy,
about knee high comes in and pulls up a stool, and starts taking a
piss. The tall guy keeps looking over his shoulder.
   The little guy says, "what the hell are you looking at?"  The
tall guy says "Well, for you being such a short little guy, you
have an awfully big pecker on you!"
   "Well," says the short guy, "you see, I am a leprechaun, and I
can have anything I want!"
   "A leprechaun, you say?  That means you can give me any wish
that I want?!"
   "Well, you see, I am a gay leprechaun, I want a favor in
return!" says the short guy.
   After a while of thinking the tall guy says, "Alright then...
I want a million dollars, a brand new mansion, and 2 brand new
Porsches!" "Fine!" says the short guy, "its all yours!  Now I want
you to pull your pants down, bend over and grab your ankles!"
   So, the guy does it, and the short guy climbs back up on the
stool, and really gives it to him! The guy is just moaning. The
short guy says, "So tell me, What is your name?"  The tall guy
moans, and  stomping his feet, he says, "My name is Bruce..."
   "Bruce?  How old are you?" asks the short guy. Stomping his feet
even harder, he moans, "I'm 32!"
   The short guy says, "Bruce? You are 32 and you still believe in
Leprechauns?!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Sep 1998 17:50:53 EDT
From:    J R S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: "Little Johnny" jokes <adult humor>
 
   Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of
the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning
and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.  Before
dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride!
Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
   Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride,
agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.  Pretty soon
mommy starts moaning and gasping.
   Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where
me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
                         =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
   Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden,
he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need
to take a piss!!"  The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT
the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want
to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence
correctly, and I will allow you to go."
   Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but
if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
                         =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
   One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked
for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the
same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who
responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and
she looked beautiful in it."
   "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned
out beautifully," he said.
   "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said,'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
                         =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
   A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny
passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and
moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of
months, he saw her doing this several times.
   One day, he came home from  school and heard her moaning. When
he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little
Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on
his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a
bike! I need a bike!"
                         =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
   Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless,
was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees
started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping
on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the
honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No
honey for you for one month!"
   Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and
soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His
father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said,
"No butter for you for one month!"
   Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got
jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor.
She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches
were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father
standing there watching her.
   To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do
 you want me to?"
                         =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
   A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education
with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's
propensity for sexual innuendo.  But Johnny remains attentive
throughout the entire lecture.  Finally, towards the end of the
lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the
class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest
with some eggs."
   "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby,"
said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
    Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and
trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV
yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds
and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he
killed every one of them with his two guns."
   The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have
to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not
to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
                         =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
   Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his
teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were
five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how
many would be left?"
  "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."  "Well,
the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're
thinking."
   Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were
three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her
cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her
cone, which one is married?"
   "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the
cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on
her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Sep 1998 18:42:36 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cricket
 
Some people find the game of cricket diffficult to understand.
Perhaps the following will help:
 
- The game is played by two groups.
- The first group is in and the second group goes out.
- Some of the group which is in, go out.
- The group that is out, tries to get the group that is in, out.
- When one of the group that is in, is out, he goes in and the next
  one goes out.
- Then when all of the first group (except one)  that is in, is
  out, the second group that is out goes in.
- The first group now go out and tries to get the second group,
  who now are in, out
- Only when both groups have been in and out twice is there a
  conclusion.
 
(Simple really!)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 18 Sep 1998 18:47:46 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Robinson Caruso (Pun)
 
Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a
coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. Friday, not knowing
what else to do, went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced around
and prayed for the gods to come and help his master.
 
Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his
master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing shape at the foot
of his bed.
 
"Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked.
 
His helper answered... "Thank Friday! It's God!"
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Sep 1998 to 19 Sep 1998
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