HUMOR Digest - 17 Sep 1998 to 18 Sep 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 602 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Jolly Old England
  2. Extreme Exhaustion (adult)
  3. Alien's point of vue (off. to mankind - and womankind!)
  4. Assorted Smiles
  5. Subject: Workers
  6. Genitalia--also offensive to insensitive men
  7. <HUMOR> Jules Feiffer on President Clinton
  8. Bungee Jumping <adult>
  9. A Question of Paternity
 10. Scooby Doo <adult humor>
 11. S.H.I.T <adult language>
 12. Designated
 13. Blue House
 14. The Do-It-Yourself Roofer (Pun)
 15. long hair <clean>
 16. The great Lenin (language)
 
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Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 03:52:48 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Jolly Old England
 
* I don't know how many of you have tasted authentic English Beer.
  Once in London, I was asked what I thought of a particular brew.
  I told my host that it really should be poured back into the
  horse.
                              - - - - -
 
*   So many British take their card games very seriously.  During a
  bridge game, one man butchered a hand.  Shrugging his shoulders,
  he asked his partner, "How would you have played that hand ?" 
    The partner replied, "Reggie old boy -- under an assumed name."
                              - - - - -
 
*   An Englishman was walking along Oxford Street one evening when
  he was smiled at by a black prostitute.  She said, "Would you
  like to take me home tonight ?"
    Startled, he replied, "What ???  All the way to Africa ???"
                              - - - - -
 
*   Two friends were having an ale in a local pub. "You should see
  the car I just purchased.  'Tis a collector's item." said one.
    "Indeed." replied his drinking chum.
    "I should say so." boasted the first. "Made entirely in
  England."
                             - - - - -
 
*   A London cabbie is driving a visiting Aussie couple to a
  country area he doesn't know.  After a while, the cabbie asks,
  "I say...   Do I take the next turn ?"
    A muffled male voice from the back says, "Like Hell Mate !!!
  Just keep driving."
                             - - - - -
 
*   A local is drinking to excess at a pub called "The George and
  Dragon."  When he becomes abusive about the service, the drinks
  and the atmosphere in general, the lady behind the counter comes
  out, stiff arms him onto the floor, then tosses him out of the
  pub.
    Getting up, he says, "May I also speak to George 'bout this ?"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 03:19:25 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Extreme Exhaustion (adult)
 
 A college professor had just finished explaining an important
research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an
absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there are only
two acceptable excuses for being late, those that are were
medically certifiable illnesses or death in the student's immediate
family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his
hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion,
professor?"
 
 As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the
students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young
man with a glaring look.
 
 "Well," he responded, "You'll just have to learn to write with
your other hand."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Sep 1998 22:59:59 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: Alien's point of vue (off. to mankind - and womankind!)
 
   First, lemme tell you one litlle thing ya won't believe: I am an
alien. Since the Earth is not very popular between aliens, it is a
pretty darn good chance that I am the only alien you know, so you
might as well call me THE alien.
   I come from another universe. Where is that? That's bloody
difficult to explain in my natural, instant-telepathic
communication system, not to mention English.
   Being here for the first time, I got things pretty much mixed
up... at the beginning, at least. It was obvious which of the
species was the most successful and better prepared. Both agile
hunters and affectionate parents. Great nature lovers. Wonderful
perception of the world. They were so evolved that even they
managed to enslave another specie and keep them happy.
   Talking about their servants... They used to go twice a day for
a walk with their masters. If any master would meet another one of
this kind, the servants would stop and wait. If the master would
have defecated on the sidewalk, most of the slaves would clean the
mess. Enough! Quite soon I found out that dogs are not the masters
and men not the slaves!
   After that, I found out that mankind is divided into two
genders. Kinky! Right now, I am no longer so sure that there are
two genders. I have a theory that man and woman are different
species. Look at the dog, again. Male and female look and act
mostly the same. But man and woman!   They don't do things the same
way. They don't dress the same, they don't think the same, they
don't eat the same, they don't have sex the same. They don't spend
the time the same way. They don't even smoke the same. I found out
that there is only one thing that they do the same: they defecate
quite the same way. BUT! they don't wipe their asses the same.
   I figure that female is actually a symbiotic specie that mankind
use for reproduction. Or, vice-versa, man are parasites on women. I
just have to study more.
   I figure that I am the only alien here, but I also suspect that
on earth there are descendents of another alien species. Those are
cats. Their ancestors probably remained stranded on earth. Just
look at the cat and you'll see the deep disrespect that he has for
you. Cat's ancestors were certainly alien.
   It seems that there is also a third human specie on earth. They
do not act like men, nor like women. They are the politicians. They
would do anything to please both men and women; to me, they look
like the only thing that man and woman do the same (see up in the
text!)
 
 
<to be continued some time>
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 07:23:59 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Assorted Smiles
 
 LOBSTERS
   A Mainer was out in a rowboat with his wife when she fell
overboard.  Despite  his best efforts, he couldn't find her, so he
rowed back home.  Next day, his friend showed up at the dock and
said, "Clyde, I found your wife.  She got tangled up in my trap
lines and she's got thirty lobsters sticking to her. What should I
do?"
   "Quick, pull off the lobsters and set her again!"
 
 MEN FROM MAINE
   Up in Maine, Lem goes to visit his friend Ephriam.  He finds him
sitting on his porch.
   Lem: "Ephriam, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants
         on?"
   Ephriam: "Well, yesterday I sat out here with no shirt on and I
             got a stiff neck. This is my wife's idea."
 
 MAINE VETERINARIAN
   Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor.
He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to
him after an encounter with a porcupine. After almost an hour of
prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its
owner, who asked what she owed. "Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he
answered.
   "Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's
wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge
summer visitors.  Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not
being gypped here?"
   "Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
 
 SWEETHEART
   A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the
host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by
calling her: "My  Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc., etc.
   His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all
of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet
names."
   The host said, "Well,  honestly... I've forgotten her name."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 08:55:48 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Subject: Workers
 
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron deficient blood,
lack of vitamins, partying, drinking, drugs, and a dozen other
maladies.  But now I found out the real reason I'm tired -- because
I'm overworked.  The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
 
That leaves 133 million to do the work.  There are 85 million in
school, which leave 48 million to do the work.  Of this there are
29 million employed by the federal government.
 
This leaves 19 million to do the  work. Four million are in the
Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to  do the work.  Take from
the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
 
There are 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do
the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
 
That leaves just two people to do the work.  You and me.
 
And you're sitting there screwin' around on e-mail.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 09:54:48 -0400
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Genitalia--also offensive to insensitive men
 
   (This came from a bi-lingual joke list I am subscribed to.)
 
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.
 
"I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.
 
Adam looked at God and said : "Well, give me the good news first"
 
Smiling, God explained: "I've got two new organs for you. One is
called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create
new things and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other
organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to
reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet.
Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her
children."
 
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have
given to me.  What could be bad news after such great tidings? "
 
God looked upon Adam and said with a great sorrow : "The bad news
is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate
one of these organs at a time."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 09:58:14 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> Jules Feiffer on President Clinton
 
    The following, by Jules Feiffer, ran in Tuesday's The New York
Times.

    The monologue is delivered by a young woman, seated in a comfy
chair, leafing through a copy of the STARR REPORT:
 
    "You read the complete text and you begin to understand... That
the real problem of the Clinton Presidency is not that he lied
under oath or obstructed justice...
 
The real problem is that there's a teen-ager living in the White
House.
 
Clumsy, flirtatious, demanding, rejecting... scared, shamed,
dishonest, diffident.
 
No handcuffs, no whips and chains, just classic adolescent guilt-
ridden lust.
 
I don't think he should be impeached... I think he should be
grounded."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 12:15:51 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Bungee Jumping <adult>
 
What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?
     1) They both cost about $100.
     2) They both last about 30 seconds.
     3) In both cases, if the rubber breaks,
        you're a dead man.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 15:17:03 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A Question of Paternity
 
    A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate
their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says
softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you.
It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked
like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these
75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever
hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I
must know, did he have a different father?"
 
    The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye,
she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
 
    The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was
admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his
eye he asks "Who?  Who was he? Who was the father?"
 
    Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as
she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, "You."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 18:04:10 EDT
From:    J R S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Scooby Doo <adult humor>
 
What We Remember:
        Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the
country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all
sort -- and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people.
The Truth:
        Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride
around the country in their psychedelic love machine, earning their
way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guy's
mask off to solve a mystery... but even then, it starts to become
apparent that those kids always seem to 'find' trouble.
        It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at
the evidence: Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the
inspiration for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress
and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e., he
smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy
can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.
        And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not
generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks,
which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for
that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape!  It just blows their
mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit!
Scooby is also hungry all the time.
        The other characters do not actively take part in the
stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the
selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the
country (and the world--they drove to China once).
        These other characters do have their own peculiarities
however... Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the
group to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery
what these two are really doing -- they're getting busy in the back
of the Mystery Machine. Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and
Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up
on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why
he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck.
        And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the
cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later
episodes, she was also into bestiality. Where do you think Scrappy-
Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english,
was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby.
        So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the
world, slingin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and
screwin' their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect
'hit'.
                         **And Later***
 
You've got Freddy all wrong.  He's not the steroidal ladies man
that you thought he was. Step back and take a look at the facts:
Wearing a scarf, tight blue action slacks, driving a flowered van,
and probably doing whatever flowered van drivers do. You never
really see him hittin' on Daphne, the cartoon love goddess.
Are you seeing it yet?
Freddy's hitting from the wrong side of the plate.  Rectal Ranger,
Fudge-Packer, Quigley Down Under, Back Door Man... Y'know what I
mean?

 
Thank Goodness for quality children's television.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 19:37:47 -0400
From:    Badi'i <badii@CARIBSURF.COM>
Subject: S.H.I.T <adult language>
 
To:All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T)
 
In order to assure the highest levels of quality in the work and
productivity from our employees, it will now be our policy to
regularly train everyone through our longstanding program of
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give
our employees more S.H.I.T. than other offices. If you feel that
you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see
your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list.
 
As you know, our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that
you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take
S.H.I.T. will be placed in the DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION
PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.
S.H.I.T. seriously will have to attend the supplemental program,
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your
supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't
have to take S.H.I.T. anymore. Obviously, they are full of S.H.I.T.
already.
 
If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may qualify for the supervisory or
training position, either giving S.H.I.T. to fellow employees or
training other to take S.H.I.T. We can add your name to our BASIC
UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those of you who
become skilled in B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and
eventually apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY
PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions,
please direct them to: HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY
TRAINING. (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
 
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/6055
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 19:48:26 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Designated
 
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for
a bust.  At closing time as everyone came out, he spotted his
potential quarry.
 
The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.  He
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his
car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own
vehicle.
 
He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left.  He
turned his lights on, then off, wipers on then off.  He started to
pull forward into the grass, then stopped.  Finally when he was the
last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
 
The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled
the man over.  He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his
great surprise the man blew a 0.00!  The Patrolman was dumbfounded!
 
"This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman.  "I doubt
it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 20:18:56 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Blue House
 
BLUE HOUSE
 
"In Washington, D.C.," Adam told me, "you'd see a blue house."
 
"He means the White House," Ryan corrected.
 
"Oops," Adam muttered.  "Well, it should be blue.  White is
boring."
 
 
"Kids Are Still Saying the Darndest Things"
by Dandi Daley Mackall
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 19:52:00 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Do-It-Yourself Roofer (Pun)
 
A man who despised his city's Building Department decided to re-
roof his house. He knew he was supposed to get a building permit to
do this, but didn't out of spite. He had completed most of his
illegal repairs and was preparing to eliminate the sag in the eaves
at the end of the house.
 
As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted
wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the
roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell,
catching himself.
 
Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge
of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house,
resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting
pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves.
 
A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on
the man. He was alive, but badly hurt. The paramedics were called
and he was taken to the hospital in agony.
 
The man's injuries were serious enough hat he spent six weeks in
the hospital recovering. On his last day in the hospital, the
police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his
activities six weeks earlier.
 
"What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling
off my own roof?"
 
"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing
off the edge of your roof without a permit... That's a clear case
of illegal eavesdropping."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 20:03:44 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: long hair <clean>
 
A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his
father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a
deal with you, Son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B
average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."
 
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd
best settle for the offer, and they agreed.
 
After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father
about the car. Again they went to the study where his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up,
and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and
participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday
morning. But I'm real disappointed seeing as you haven't got your
hair cut."
 
The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know, Dad, I've
been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the
Bible that Sampson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the
Baptizer had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus
Himself had long hair."
 
To which his father replied, "You're right, son... and did you also
notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"
 
------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 20:06:25 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: The great Lenin (language)
 
Heard on the street:
(must be read with Russian accent)
 
Did the great Lenin loved the children? Of course he did!
Just listen and see for yourself!
 
The great Lenin is in his log cabin, shaving. Outside, in the deep
Siberian snow, children are playing. They are yelling and throwing
snowballs. The great Lenin keeps shaving, no emotion on his face.
 
And suddenly, a snowball hits the window, breaks it and than
smashes great Lenin's mirror. There is frozen snow and freezing
water all over the great man's face. Lenin calmly puts the razor on
the bed, than grabs the nagaika (Siberian whip) and gets out of the
house: "Hey, you motherfuckers, come here and take your medicine!"
and some other religious and profane Russian curses that won't fit
here. Then he whips to blood.
 
You see? Lenin DID love the children. Because if he didn't, he
would have taken the razor and cut their throats open!
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Sep 1998 to 18 Sep 1998
************************************************
 
