HUMOR Digest - 16 Sep 1998 to 17 Sep 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 467 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. The Younger Set
  2. Two Smiles
  3. Russian leaders and the train <off. to Russian leaders?>
  4. The Piano Man <adult, language>
  5. The Duct Tape controversy rages on...
  6. alien's point of vue: TV
  7. Donald Trump's Advice
  8. <HUMOUR> Sinking library
  9. Chief <offensive to Australians?>
 10. The Will (Pun)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Sep 1998 03:58:56 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: The Younger Set
 
* A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?"
  One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible !"
                           - - - - -
 
* Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an
  officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up, "Yeah ?  Well, if
  we were speeding, so were you !"
                           - - - - -
 
*   Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said,
  "Let's play doctor."
    "Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."
                           - - - - -
 
* When Mrs JimJr & I voted in the Primary Tuesday, we had a
  Grandson along.  Planted outside the school is a Magnolia tree.
  Lil' Jimmy took great delight in walking on the leaves that had
  fallen from it.  I asked him if he knew what kind of leaves they
  were.  Without a pause, he replied, "Crunchy."
                           - - - - -
 
* I guess you can get too health conscious.  Mrs JimJr and I don't
  have a lot of "junk food" in the house.  Upon eating a snack of
  some munchies or other my Grandson asked what vitamins they had
  in them.  I told him I doubted there were any at all.  He replied
  wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun ?"
                           - - - - -
 
* My oldest Granddaughter Christina, loves to play lil' Mommie with
  the Grandkids younger than her.  She even "fixed" breakfast for
  her brother and her cousin.  When Jimmy was not eating his toast,
  and Laine was not eating his Rice Krispies, she admonished them
  with, "Jimmy !  Eat your toast, it's almost cold.  And Laine !
  Eat your cereal, it's almost quiet."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Sep 1998 07:03:57 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Two Smiles
 
   Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years
with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter,
came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. One day, deep in
the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously
thrusting himself in to a jungle oak. She watched in awe for
awhile. Finally, overcome by this  display of animal passion, Jane
came out in to the open and offered herself to him.
   As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused.  He
quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard. In pain,
she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?". Tarzan replied,
"Tarzan always check for squirrels first. "
               --------------------------------------
 
                        New Computer Viruses

Ellen Degeneres virus.........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virus.........Sucks all the memory out of your
                              computer
Titanic virus.................Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus..................Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus..............Quits after one byte
Prozac virus..................Screws up your RAM but your processor
                              doesn't care
Sharon Stone virus............Makes a huge initial impact, then you
                              forget it's there.
Lorena Bobbit virus...........Turns your hard disk into a floppy
Tim Allen virus...............Appears helpful, only to destroy your
                              hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virus.............Bypasses the motherboard and turns on
                              a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virus..........Won't let Jews into any of their
                              programs
Tonya Harding virus...........Turns your BAT files into lethal
                              weapons
George Michaels virus.........Runs its course, occasionally
                              releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virus.........Only attacks minor files
X-files virus.................All your Icons start shape shifting
Spice Girl virus..............Has no real function, but makes a
                              pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan virus...........Saves your data, but forgets where it
                              is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus......Searches your hard drive for old
                              files and deletes them
Sony Bono virus...............Just when you get surfing the Web, a
                               firewall appears out of no where 
Martha Stewart virus..........Takes all your files, sorts them by
                              category, folds them into cute little
                              doilies to be displayed on your
                              desktop
Oprah Winfrey virus...........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly
                              shrinks to 100MB, and then slowly
                              expands to 300MB
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus...Terminates and stays resident. But it
                              will be back
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Sep 1998 13:23:12 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Russian leaders and the train <off. to Russian leaders?>
 
Imagine that each leader of the USSR (and now Russia) finds himself
on a train in the middle of nowhere, when suddenly the tracks have
come to an end.  What instructions would he give to his entourage?
 
Lenin: Go infuse the peasants with revolutionary spirit and
       organize them to build new rails to carry our train forward!
 
Stalin: Round up the peasants, lay down their bodies before the
        train and we shall ride over them.
 
Khrushchev: Go out, tear up the tracks from behind the train, set
            them down in front and we shall continue our journey.
 
Brezhnev: Pull all the curtains in the carriage, rock back and
          forth and make clicking noises.
 
Gorbachev: We have glasnost now.  Run outside and shout at the
           top of your lungs: "There are no rails!"
 
Yeltsin:  Privatise he tracks, the train, and send the passengers
          back to their original homelands!
 
 
(From a list owned by Nelson Moy)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Sep 1998 11:46:54 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: The Piano Man <adult, language>
 
(via Dvlwitch)
 
   This piano player goes out on an audition for a job. The manager
asks him to play a sample of his music. He plays a song that's so
beautiful, everyone in the place cheers and the manager says to
him, "That was great! What is the name of that song?"
   The man replies "That one's called 'I'm gonna fuck your wife all
night'." The manager is shocked! He can't believe it. He asks the
man to play another song for him. He does and this one is more
beautiful than the last one!  The manager, expecting the worst,
calls him over and asks the name of this song.  The piano man
replies, "That was 'Your momma gives great blow jobs'."
   The manager tells him, "Look, you play great but those names you
have for the songs are shocking... you can have the job, but
please, *just play* and don't tell anyone the titles, OK??"  The
man at the piano agrees, accepting the job.
   Well, it's opening night and he is standing by the piano, a bit
nervous, when a beautiful lady walks up to him. She looks him over
and says "Do you know your fly is open and your penis is hanging
out?"
   He replies "DO I KNOW IT? HELL, I WROTE IT!!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Sep 1998 14:39:14 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The Duct Tape controversy rages on...
 
    Those who worry about the "size" of HUMOR list can take some
consolation in the fact that quality of the readership is truly
amazing. Case in point:  a recent posting on the infamous "Duct
Tape" controversy drew a response from THE WIFE OF the scientist
who is at the center of it all. The original posting: "If you can't
believe in Duct Tape... Fri, 4 Sep 1998)
 
> This week's TIME magazine (dated Sept. 7) reports that DUCT TAPE
> is not good for sealing DUCTS!  I saw the quote right there in
> the front-end  section of the magazine.
> "It failed reliably and often quite catastrophically."
>                                                   --Max Sherman
> What are we to make of this?  Will Sherman be challenged by the
> Duct Tape Council?  Is it possible he's just not a 'guy' and
> can't use the stuff? Will there be further tests?  Is it a result
> of Clinton's lack of moral fiber?  Will the Dilemmacrats blame it
> on the Repelicans?
>
> Ontological foundations are shaking all around us.
 
     Dr. Sherman's wife responded as follows:
 
1) We are to make of it that the general population is much more 
   emotionally attached to duct tape than was EVER imagined
 
2) I'm sure that if there IS a Duct Tape council he will be
   challenged by it - let's just hope that they're not based in
   Montana
 
3) Yes, he's a real guy - and we have two lovely children to prove
it
 
4) Yes, he can use the stuff, and did just this last weekend to
   repair a leaky garden hose - he just doesn't use it for ducts
 
5) I'm sure that there will be further tests - possibly by the tape
   manufacturers in self defense, possibly as an experiment by the
   American Psychological Society to explore the further effects of
   challenging widely held assumptions  (see #1)
 
6) No, it's not a result of Clinton's lack of moral fiber - but if
   Hillary had used it more often, Clinton would probably not be in
   the fix he's currently in
 
7) No, it won't be blamed on the Republicans - it lends itself
   better to generalized alien invasion paranoia
 
8) I don't know about the ontological foundations, but the Alaskan
   population is distinctly rattled - it seems that Max has cast
   doubt on a state icon.
 
I hope this clears up your confusion.
 
Regards,
Jan Sherman (Mrs. Duct Tape)
                         =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Those who may wish to pursue this issue in further detail should
see the online version of the Sunday (Sept. 13th) Washington Post:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/WPlate/1998-09/13/134l-091398-
idx.html
 
This piece is written by Dr. Sherman rather than by Mrs. Duct Tape,
but there is a family resemblance in the writing styles.  (By the
way, Jan Sherman assures me that she is not a reincarnation of Erma
Bombeck.)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Sep 1998 23:10:35 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: alien's point of vue: TV
 
   One of the most frightening things that I discovered on Earth
was TV. We have it. It was forbidden way before biological weapons.
We just keep a few in showrooms and military museums.
   If you shot a guy in his shoulder with a bullet big enough, his
arm is gone. If you shoot him in the head, he'll probably loose his
life in an instant. But, if you give him a TV set, he'll become a
ruin.
   He becomes addicted. He'll "gotta" see that show. He'll just
"gotta". He'll do anything. He'll leave from his job earlier, he'll
cancel having sex. He just gotta see his show. Come on, human, be
honest: how much time a day do you spend with the TV? And how much
with your wife/mistress/fiance/kids/SO?
   The time spent in front of TV increases. Not only the shows, but
the news come in sight. I am not willing to discuss sports. Instead
of playing ball with the kids, the husband will rather buy a pack
of six and watch the White Sox.
   Mothers tell their children one thing, in order to scare them:
"If you spend too much time in front of the telly, your brains will
rot!" They don't know how right they are.
   Besides the actual time lost during the show, more time goes to
nowhere the next day. "Hi! Have you seen yesterday... bla bla bla".
   Communication also ceases during the show. "Dear, would you help
me with that? Dear! Dear! DEAR! HEY! Are you there? Hellllo!" It
seems that sever hearing impediments appear while watching the
game! Also memory is affected. Due to "Young and restless" hundreds
of meals remain unprepared each day.
   The TV is also associated with the social status: "Haven't you
got HBO?!" or "he's such a freak, keeps looking to Discovery
channel". No offense to the Discovery!
   Addiction is acquired by all the ages, sexes, ethnical groups,
religion groups, etc. Kids become addicted to cartoons. Than they
grow into Playboy channel. Then... forget about it, I am not
advertising XXX rated! For girls, they have got those maple syrup-
love-stories-heart-breaking channels. For old maids, as well. They
even invented Tele-evangelism!
   TV really is pushy. Some disgustingly rich friend of mine
removed an original painting from his living room and put in that
place the TV!    Not being all the day at home, people buy VCR's in
order to record those shows. Of course, programming the VCR is the
second hardest thing in the universe.
   Ok, Ok, I'm gonna tell ya. I knew that you couldn't figure it
out all by yourself. For women, the hardest thing is not to envy
another women, while for men, the hardest thing is to raise (and
lower!) the toilet seat.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Sep 1998 16:08:21 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Donald Trump's Advice
 
I heard that Donald Trump had this advice for Clinton:
Leave Hillary now - before she leaves YOU; resign; go out
and have some fun!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 17 Sep 1998 09:19:51 +0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OUHK.EDU.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> Sinking library
 
>From the Mezzenger News
 
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every
year because when it was built, the engineers failed to take into
account the weight of the books that would occupy the building.
 
(The engineers responsible for this were actually graduates of
Purdue University, Indiana University's most hated rival.)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 16 Sep 1998 20:00:16 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Chief <offensive to Australians?>
 
     (From The Joker:)
 
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the
Spokane Hilton. As he paid his bill, he asked the manager, "By the
way, what's with the Indian sitting in the lobby? He's been there
ever since I arrived."
 
"Oh that's Big Chief Forget-Me-Not," said the manager. "The hotel
is built on  an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to
allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life.
He is known  as Big Chief Forget-Me-Not because of his phenomenal
memory. He is 92 and can remember even the slightest detail of his
life."
 
The travel writer took this in and, as he was waiting for his cab,
decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'Ello, mate!" said
the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you
have for  breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
 
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up,
and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
 
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the
east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's
great memory.  (One local noted to him that "How" was a more
appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than "'Ello mate.")
 
On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later, he was
surprised to see Big Chief Forget-Me-Not still sitting in the
lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
 
"How!" said the Aussie.
 
"Scrambled," said the chief.
 
------------------------------

 
Date:    Wed, 16 Sep 1998 22:35:11 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Will (Pun)
 
As you all know, American millionaires have a tendency to become
avid collectors, often of the strangest things. This was certainly
true of one particular millionaire whom I shall call John.
 
John collected impressionist paintings, but not the ones you might
think. He specialized in Eastern Bloc artists, being especially
fond of those from Czechoslovakia. Over the years, he accumulated
hundreds of such paintings. Individually they weren't that
valuable, but as a collection they were of considerable interest to
art historians.
 
Realizing this, he many years ago altered his will so that all of
his collection was to be presented to the museum in the town where
he had grown up. Also included was a quite handsome sum to cover
security and display costs.
 
Time passed, as it always does, and last year, John died peacefully
in his sleep. What John hadn't foreseen was the breakup of the
Soviet Union, and the opening up of the former communist countries
to Western eyes. The value of John's collection had shot through
the roof, in comparison with what he had considered its monetary
value, and his surviving relatives began to cast envious eyes on
the artwork.
 
The situation was made considerably worse when, during cataloguing,
it was discovered that the collection included a long lost work by
a famous French impressionist, with a value commensurate with its
creators fame. All the relatives screamed loudly, and demanded that
the will be contested in court. Some of them wanted all the
paintings for themselves, but most were willing to allow the museum
to have all except the French example and maybe even that one, as
long as the museum was willing to pay a "reasonable price" for
them.
 
As with all such cases, the more money involved, the faster the
case is heard, and the longer it takes to hear it. Thus, it was
only last week that the judge handed down his decision.
 
He found that the provision in the will was clearly stated, and
perfectly reasonable. He therefor awarded the paintings to the
museum, doing so in the clearest terms he could find. Indeed, his
summation is a masterpiece of clarity.
 
"From the terms of this will it is plain to see.... You get your
Monet for nothing, and your Czech's for free."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Sep 1998 to 17 Sep 1998
************************************************
 
