HUMOR Digest - 15 Sep 1998 to 16 Sep 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 340 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Things You'll Never Hear
  2. impeachment
  3. Top5 - 9/15/98 - Stupid FDA Warning Labels
  4. Extreme Bumper Stickers
  5. Blondes <adult>
  6. Health Class <adult>
  7. Humor - More on Hyphenated Americans
  8. The Dispute
  9. dead redneck <a bit crude>
 10. Parking Tickets
 
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Date:    Tue, 15 Sep 1998 04:19:24 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Things You'll Never Hear
 
* Cindy Crawford: "Well... Looks aren't everything."
 
* Yassar Arafat: "Discrimination ?  I'll give you discrimination !
                  Israel has over 5 million Jews; we don't have
                  any."
 
* Madonna: "I didn't have a bit of trouble with the singing in the
            movie, but they did have to dub in most of the acting."
 
* Mayor Smoke (Baltimore): "There are so many muggers around that
                            you can't walk 5 blocks without leaving
                            the scene of a crime."
 
* William Clinton: "Any President who lies to the American people
                    should resign."
                    (Oh wait !  He did say that -- never mind)
 
* Steven Spielberg: "I just finished my new horror film.  It's so
                     bloody, it's sure to  get a 'Type A' rating."
 
* Kenneth Starr: "I only look at the newspapers every other day.
                  That way, I don't have to read any of the
                  denials."
 
* Boris Yeltsin: "I never worry about waking up to a revolution.
                  If I wake up, there's no revolution."
 
* Sharon Stone: "Today's movies are not only bigger than life,
                 they're dirtier than life too."
 
* Clinton's Lawyers: "Most politicians don't believe a word of what
                      they say.  We're amazed that y'all do."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Tue, 15 Sep 1998 09:09:22 +0100
From:    "Vandersijp_kca, Jaap" <Jaap.Vandersijp@KCA-
DRILLING.CO.UK> Subject: impeachment
 
You know, really only a small part of Clinton needs to leave office
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Sep 1998 06:00:24 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 9/15/98 - Stupid FDA Warning Labels
 
 
      T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                      September 15, 1998
              The Top 12 Stupid FDA Warning Labels
 
12> Cell phones:  "Phone should always be in the *off* position
                   before being lodged up your ass by the angry
                   motorist you just rear-ended."
 
11> Jaegermeister:  "What can you possibly be thinking?"
 
10> Viagra:  "Just remember, chump, you're STILL fat, bald & ugly!"
 
 9> The Clapper:  "Use of this product near a construction site
                   is not recommended."
 
 8> Pineapple:  "Not to be inserted rectally.  No, seriously --
                 it's not a good idea."
 
 7> Rogaine:  "Excessive use may result in a career as a boxing
               promoter."
 
 6> Zima:  "Merely holding this bottle is obliterating your
            already-remote prospects of getting laid."
 
 5> Raquel Welch:  "Contents may have settled."
 
 4> Windows98:  "May cause unpredictable behavior and loss or
                 corruption of d$@@NQ t!"z +~]]J; ***FATAL EX&~d"
 
 3> Whitman Sampler:  "Caution - you never know what you're gonna
                       git."
 
 2> El Presidente Cigars:  "Should only be enjoyed orally."
 
         and Top5's Number 1 Stupid FDA Warning Label...
 
 1> Prozac:  "Whatever"
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
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Date:    Tue, 15 Sep 1998 06:38:07 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Extreme Bumper Stickers
 
 - I don't have a license to kill.  I have a learners permit.
 
 - Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
 
 - Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
 
 - 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an
   amusement park.
 
 - EARTH FIRST!  We'll strip mine the other planets later.
 
 - If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
 
 - White water is over when the First Lady sings.
 
 - My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...
   or something like that.
 
 - Sure you can trust the government!  Just ask an Indian!
 
 - Alcohol and calculus don't mix.  Never drink and derive.
 
 - Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Sep 1998 08:53:57 -0400
From:    Badi'i <badii@CARIBSURF.COM>
Subject: Blondes <adult>
 
Why do blondes always drink with straws?
Practice.
 
What do a blonde and a good beer have in common?
They both go down easy.
 
What does a blonde and a tampon have in common?
They're both stuck up cunts.
 
What's the difference between a blond and an ice cream cone?
Ice cream cones don't lick back.
 
What is the blonde's favorite battery?
Ever-ready.
 
What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
 
Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous?
Who cares?
 
What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 5 cans of hair spray.
 
What's the quickest way to get into a blonde's pants?
Pick them up off the floor and put them on.
 
What is a bellybutton for?
It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
 
How does a blonde prepare for safe sex?
She puts on rubber based lipstick.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/6055
 
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Date:    Tue, 15 Sep 1998 09:03:27 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Health Class <adult>
 
(via Clint Heine)
 
   A little boy comes out of his first health class, where he was
told that a boy has a penis and a girl has a vagina. At lunch he
looked in his pants, and now knows what a penis looks like, so he
goes off happy. When the youngster gets home, he asks his father,
"What does a vagina look like?"
   The father, totally caught off guard, looks around and sees his
wife in the flower bed, so he tells his curious son that a vagina
is "one of natures' beauties, looking like a rose just starting to
bloom."  The proud little boy goes to play in the neighborhood, and
starts to repeat everything his father has told him. He is the talk
of the play-ground, until a couple of older boys ask him, "So
smartie pants, what does it look like *after* sex?"
   To the horror of the little kid, he didn't know the answer.
Running home he sees his father in the garage and comes in yelling
"Daddy, daddy!" The father asks, "What's wrong?" The youngster
tells his father he needs to know what a vagina looks like after
sex...
   Again, caught off guard by the request, his dad looks around
until he sees the dog. So he tells the boy, "Son, do you remember
what the bulldog looked like after he got into the mayonaise jar?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Sep 1998 11:49:24 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - More on Hyphenated Americans
 
If a husband and wife, both caucasians and born in Pretoria, South
Africa, immigrate to the United States and have children born in
the U.S., are these children African-Americans?
 
 
Thanks to: Les Pourciau
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Sep 1998 18:27:08 EDT
From:    J R S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Dispute
 
Sleeping  Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible
fight. "I am the most beautiful person  in the world," proclaimed
Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No,
you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan "I've seduced more
women than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you
haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
 
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed
a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in
the world, would be ideal.  Merlin agreed and summoned them all to
his palace,  where he announced he would meet with them one at a
time.
 
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out
beaming. "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said
so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping
Beauty. "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."
 
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and
a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the
hell is Bill Clinton?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Sep 1998 19:06:58 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: dead redneck <a bit crude>
 
Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed
someone to identify the body.  So his two best friends, Clem and
Zeke, were sent for. Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the
sheet. Clem said  "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."  So
the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked and said "Nope, it
ain't Clyde."
 
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke
to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said  "Yup,
he's burnt real bad, roll him over."  The mortician rolled him over
and Zeke looked down and said  "No, it ain't Clyde."
 
The mortician asked "How can you tell?" Zeke said "Well, Clyde had
two assholes."
 
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
 
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went
to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 15 Sep 1998 20:04:17 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Parking Tickets
 
BEST LAME PLANS
 
One Saturday I rushed to the supermarket to get groceries for a big
Sunday dinner.  At home, however, I noticed the checker had charged
me $1.68 for the ham instead of $16.80.  My husband quickly drove
to the store with the ham and the receipt, but the checker said it
was her mistake and that there would be no extra charge.  Pleased
with his honest efforts, my husband then returned to his car --
only to find a $15 parking ticket attached to a windshield.
 
- Carol Tasler
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Sep 1998 to 16 Sep 1998
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