HUMOR Digest - 14 Sep 1998 to 15 Sep 1998
There are 10 messages totalling 346 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. THE MOMMIE pOeM(ADULT- Offensive language)
  2. Doctors
  3. 20 Worst Things To Hear At A Nuclear Power Plant <clean>
  4. Windows 98 bugs, er, features (off. to Microsoft)
  5. And in today's Chronicle of Higher Education...
  6. Ashes To Ashes, Dust To Dust... <adult>
  7. Humor - It's A Wacky World!  #55
  8. An Adult Anagram
  9. Smokin'! <adult subject>
 10. Birth Control
 
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Date:    Mon, 14 Sep 1998 00:53:57 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: THE MOMMIE pOeM(ADULT- Offensive language)
 
When out on the lawn there arose
such a clatter-
I sprang up from my soaps and said,
"Hey, quit the chatter!
 
'Twill be a cop round
if you don't flee here hence. . .
so go to school! Quickly!
Don't spray paint my fence!"
 
The wee hoodlums shrieked
as they went left and right. . .
I pulled out my lawn hose and
gave them a fright.
 
So onward they scampered,
still mournful and wet. . .
you fuck with a mommy, hey,
that's what you get.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Sep 1998 03:40:58 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Doctors
 
* Believe it or not, my doctor actually does make house calls;
  charges $60 though -- more if he has to dial the number himself.
 
                               - - - - -
 
* You can tell it's the 90's.  Most doctors now tell people who get
  sick at nite to take two aspirins and e-mail them in the morning.
                               - - - - -
 
* A patient walked into a doctor's office and asked if the doctor
  was in.  The receptionist said, "No.  When he saw the bill for
  his malpractice insurance, he decided to become a lawyer."
                               - - - - -
 
* You think doctors don't have it good ?  Never mind the social
  status or the money -- just think about it.  They get all these
  women to take off all their clothes and then bill them for it.
                               - - - - -
 
* Last summer I had to have a complicated procedure to remove a
  cyst on my larynx.  I asked the doctor if I would live and he
  replied, "Yes, but I wouldn't advise it."
                                - - - - -
 
*   Two doctors found themselves on the beach in Hawaii.  As a real
  bevy of bikini-clad fems walked by, the one said, "Look at the
  legs among that group."
    "Sorry old chap." replied the second doctor. "I'm a chest man
  myself."
                                - - - - -
 
*   A man suffering from severe jock rash was called from the
  waiting room by a Nurse.  As she led him thru the door, she
  said "Walk this way please."
    "Young lady," he replied, "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't
  need to see the doctor at all."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Sep 1998 12:35:50 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: 20 Worst Things To Hear At A Nuclear Power Plant <clean>
 
 1. Fission shmission, relax, I'll increase the water level after
    my coffee break.
 
 2. Was that "Open valve A and close valve B" or was it the other
    way round?
 
 3. This whole plant will be running under Win95 tomorrow.
 
 4. HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?
 
 5. Who forgot to pay the water bill?
 
 6. We got 12 seconds to WHAT????
 
 7. Meet your new plan superintendent: Bozo the clown.
 
 8. A leak? Can't you fix it with duct tape or something?
 
 9. Oh yeah!  50 bucks says I can make it blow.
 
10. It's Russian technology.
 
11. Move over Three Mile Island - here we come !!!
 
12. Sniff, sniff.... you smell that?
 
13. I used to work at Chernobyl.
 
14. All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy!
 
15. It's your turn to wax the core.
 
16. How come all the big shots are leaving?
 
17. Is that a 60 minute film crew out there?
 
18. Is this part really necessary?
 
19. OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn't finish it, though.
 
20. Look at the good news: we are going to find out whether
    people actually glow in the dark.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Sep 1998 08:43:38 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Windows 98 bugs, er, features (off. to Microsoft)
 
            TOP TEN SURPRISES IN WINDOWS '98
 
 10. You get $10 off if you voluntarily give them your soul, but
     it's full price if they have to force it out of you.
 
  9. It is still possible to fix a sandwich and something to drink
     while waiting for Start Up.
 
  8. When you peel off the label on the CD, there's Window'95 label
     under it.
 
  7. To open Netscape : Press ctrl d, alt 4, tab, tab, spell
     Nebraska backwards and press enter, enter your gender, compose
     a 500-word essay....
 
  6. Entering "Department of Justice" into Organisation Field
     during set-up will crash system
 
  5. New app monitors Bill Gates's wealth for you to see
 
  4. Mix-up in shipping department sends a dog named "Bowser" with
     every copy
 
  3. A $1 off coupon for Mrs Smith's cream pie with Bill's home
     address on back
 
  2. Includes sample bugs from upcoming Windows 2000 !
 
  1. Surgeon General has put a warning on Solitaire that repeated
     use may be habit forming.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Sep 1998 11:46:57 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: And in today's Chronicle of Higher Education...
 
                 Starr Report: Lewinsky Advised
                 Clinton on Education Policy
                 (We're Not Joking)

WASHINGTON
 
The report of Independent Counsel Kenneth W. Starr generally steers
clear of education issues.  But there is one surprising revelation
(not involving an impeachable offense) that may be of interest to
readers of The Chronicle: Monica Lewinsky says she advised
President Clinton on education policy.
 
One portion of the report details items that Ms. Lewinsky said she
sent to the President along with her "wish list" describing the
kind of job she hoped he would help her find in New York City:
 
"In addition to the 'wish list,' Ms. Lewinsky said she enclosed in
the packet a pair of sunglasses and 'a lot of things in a little
envelope,' including some jokes, a card, and a postcard. She said
that she had written on the card: 'Wasn't I right that my hugs are
better in person than in cards?' The postcard featured a 'very
erotic' Egon Schiele painting. Ms. Lewinsky also enclosed a note
with her thoughts on education reform."
 
Mr. Starr's report does not elaborate on Ms. Lewinsky's views on
education.
 
 
Copyright 1998 by The Chronicle of Higher Education
               **********************
 
Doesn't this make you wonder just how other trade papers are gonna
work the scandal into their pages?  It's probably pretty tough on
ones like "Fish Hatchery Worker's Weekly,"  but I'm sure they're up
to it.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Sep 1998 12:16:31 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Ashes To Ashes, Dust To Dust... <adult>
 
There's these three guys, best friends since childhood... One of
them is dating an absolutely stunning babe, and is always bragging
to his buddies about the sex they have.  Then one day, for who
knows what reason, the guy decides that he's getting tired of the
lovely lady, he needs some new thrills in his life, and pulls a
complete 180, declaring he's gay.
 
"Damn," his friends say, "you know that you're probably going to
get AIDS and die!"
 
Hey, I'll take my chances," he says. "I just needed some kind of
change, and wow, did I find it!"
 
Well, to make a long story short, in a couple years he indeed
contracts AIDS, and is told he only has a few months left. As he's
lying on his death-bed, he calls his old friends together one last
time. "Guys," he gasps, "you've got to promise me one last thing."
 
"Sure," say his mates. "What can we do for you?"
 
"When I'm dead and buried, will you make sure I have the nicest
tombstone you can find?" he asks. "And will you make sure
something's written on it that everyone will remember me for?"
 
They promise him, and with one final gasp, he exits - stage left.
       (dead, you dodo's!)
 
But remembering their promise, his friends found a beautiful
granite stone, and had it engraved:
                  Ashes To Ashes,
                   Dust To Dust,
              If You'd Stuck To Pussy,
               You'd Still Be With Us.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Sep 1998 11:45:55 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - It's A Wacky World!  #55
 
Warning: May be offensive to hyphenated Americans.
Copied from the editorial page of the Houston Chronicle:
 
            The hyphenation of America is now complete.
 
The moment came in a press release from the National Endowment for
the Arts. The endowment awarded National Heritage Fellowships to 11
artists who were African-American, Polish-American, Native
American, Danish-American, Greek-American, Mexican-American and
(recognizing the last group to gain its hyphen) Anglo-American.
Equality demands that if one group of Americans is hyphenated, all
must be, & so it has come to pass.
 
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Sep 1998 14:25:20 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: An Adult Anagram
 
 Monica Lewinsky may be a courtesan,
 but only figuratively.
 
 (9 letters, 3 words)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Sep 1998 15:42:13 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Smokin'! <adult subject>
 
     (An original from Henri)
 
Who needs Viagra when you have Cohiba*?
 
   (Cohiba is a very expensive cigar)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 14 Sep 1998 19:20:30 -0700
From:    "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@WORLDNET.ATT.NET>
Subject: Birth Control
 
NICORETTE GUM
 
When I worked as a pharmacy intern, Nicorette gum had just become
available to help smokers kick the habit.  Our store underestimated
the popularity of the gum, however, and one day we ran out of it.

 
At closing time that evening, a woman came in and handed the
pharmacist a prescription for norethindrone -- birth control pills.
Having seen so many prescriptions that day for Nicorette, he
mistakenly told the woman that he would not have it in for several
days.  "Well, now what am I supposed to do?" the woman complained.
 
My boss replied, "Have you ever thought of quitting cold-turkey?"
 
- Craig Kessler
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Sep 1998 to 15 Sep 1998
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