HUMOR Digest - 13 Sep 1998 to 14 Sep 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 238 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Sports
  2. Oral Lewenisky <Adult themes>
  3. The Perfect Man
  4. A woman's schedule (sexist, adult, urinary humor)
  5. Wedding Vows?
  6. The Four Nuns <adult>
  7. Hillary joke
  8. More True Stories
 
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Date:    Sun, 13 Sep 1998 04:26:15 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Sports
 
* Hockey is nothing more than a war where people keep score.
                            - - - - -
 
* I pretty much like all professional sports.  I mean, where else
  do you get a chance to boo a whole slew of millionaires.
                            - - - - -
 
* Some of these farmboys in Howard County are a bit slow.  Some of
  them love to play horseshoes, but they keep forgetting to remove
  the horse first.
                            - - - - -
 
* I don't really bowl all that often.  But I can see where there's
  a big advantage over golf.  You still get some exercise, and you
  don't lose the balls.
                            - - - - -
 
* In Western Howard County, there's plenty of room for a pick-up
  baseball game almost anywhere.  When playing in a cow pasture
  however, the players soon learn to check and be sure it's a
  base before they begin sliding.
                            - - - - -
 
* The Washington Redskins built a new football stadium last year.
  I was a bit surprised that they installed AstroTurf instead of
  real grass until I thought about it.  I mean how else were they
  going to keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
                            - - - - -
 
* Like a lot of college teams, the Univ of Maryland always hopes
  for the best at the start of the football season.  This year
  however, things are looking dimmer than ever.  The coach began
  his remarks with: "This is football."  Four players began to
  scribble notes and shouted out, "Not so fast.  Slow down !!!"
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Sun, 13 Sep 1998 02:04:40 -0700
From:    Muneer Alsadiq <masadiq@YAHOO.COM>
Subject: Re: Oral Lewenisky <Adult themes>
 
Starr:  Ms. Lewinsky, did you have oral sex with the president ?
Monica: Yes sir, but ... I did not swallow ?
 
Q: Do you know why is the Jewish women very upset with Monica
   Lewinsky?
A: Because now there is a hard proof that jewish women can give
   head and they like it...
 
Well, actually Bill Clinton did not say "It tastes good" when he
took the cigar out!  He said, where is the other half bitch.
 
(My first contribution)
 
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Date:    Sun, 13 Sep 1998 12:58:52 EDT
From:    J R S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Perfect Man
 
The perfect man is gentle,
Never cruel or mean.
He has a beautiful smile and keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking,
Cleaning and vacuuming, too.
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name.
He's a best friend to your mother,
And he kisses away your pain.
He never made you cry,
Or battered you in any way.
To hell with this endless poem,
THE PERFECT MAN IS GAY!!!!!!!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 13 Sep 1998 14:03:58 -0400
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: A woman's schedule (sexist, adult, urinary humor)
 
A WOMAN'S SCHEDULE
 
 1. Get up.
 2. Pee.
 3. Drink raspberry-cranberry tea.
 4. Pee.
 5. Apply makeup. Pee first so you don't have to stop in the
    middle.
 6. Drive to work. Pee at gas station. Complain about dirty
    restroom.  Go to a different gas station and pee there.
 7. Get to work at Burger King. Pee. Wash hands.
 8. Lunch. Slimfast. Pee.
 9. Arrive home. Pee. Shower. Pee.
10. Promise sex to husband. Pee. Get up in the middle of sex and
    pee.
11. Pee. Go to bed. Get up at 3 A.M. waking husband but instead of
    giving him head, go and pee.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 13 Sep 1998 17:23:16 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Wedding Vows?
 
Why do many women want a church wedding?
 
As they enter the church they see and think "AISLE,ALTER,HYMN"
 
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Date:    Sun, 13 Sep 1998 18:36:14 -0400
From:    Badi'i <badii@CARIBSURF.COM>
Subject: The Four Nuns <adult>
 
Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes
into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I
touched a man's private parts. The priest asks, "What part of your
body did you use?" The nun replies, "My right hand." The priest
tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail marys and
all will be forgiven.
 
The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me
father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts." The
priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?" The nun replies,
"My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the
holy water say 10 hail marys and all will be forgiven.
 
Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The
fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you
mind if I went first?" The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but
would you mind telling me why?" The fourth nun replies, "Well, I
would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!"
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/6055
 
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Date:    Sun, 13 Sep 1998 20:55:59 -0400
From:    Steve and Cindy <atlas@EZNET.NET>
Subject: Hillary joke
 
 During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a
 fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
 peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
 
 "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
 yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
 horrible death this year."
 
 Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at
 the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a
 few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She
 met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her
 question.
 
 "Will I be acquitted?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 13 Sep 1998 22:01:52 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: More True Stories
 
In a recent poll, non smoking workers are said to be in favour of
docking smoking colleagues pay or forcing them to make up time for
their numerous extra breaks. While non smokers continue working,
they begrudge their puffing colleagues frequently hanging around
outside or in the smoker's lounge.
                    @@@@@@@@@@
 
A factory worker in New Zealand decided to celebrate winning nearly
NZ$100,000 (US$45,000) by taking all his mates from the factory out
to a posh restaurant but ended up with only NZ$30 left at the end
of the night.
                    @@@@@@@@@@
 
In a bid to raise money for charity, a man in Nebraska USA promised
to walk naked through the city streets after $3,000 was raised.
Money flooded in and now that the goal has been achieved he plans
to carry out his promise by taking his pet dog called 'Naked' for a
stroll.
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Sep 1998 to 14 Sep 1998
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