HUMOR Digest - 12 Sep 1998 to 13 Sep 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 400 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Interviews Gone Awry <innuendo>
  2. U Know It
  3. Bill and Monica (adult)
  4. Shallow Thoughts <political>
  5. Paul Benoit Carpe Diem
  6. [suggestive]
  7. Magic Mirror <Adult>
  8. The Bricklayer's Accident
  9. Slogans For Comdom Week <adult>
 10. DumB(adult)
 11. Cherokee Chief (Pun)
 12. The White House
 13. Pig Farm
 
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Date:    Sat, 12 Sep 1998 04:27:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Interviews Gone Awry <innuendo>
 
* Interviewer: "Do you think you can handle a variety of tasks ?"
    Applicant: "I should say so.  I've had nine totally different
                jobs in the past five months."
                                - - - - -
 
*   The stern faced Personnel Officer told an applicant that they
  needed an individual who is totally responsible.
    "I sure qualify then." replied the applicant. "Everywhere I've 
  worked, whenever something went wrong, I was responsible."
                                - - - - -
 
*   "I see under 'Personal Traits' you have 'Self-Starter' listed."
 said the Human Resources Officer. "Why is that important to you ?"
    "It seems to me that if more employees were self-starters,
 then the bosses wouldn't have to be cranks." the almost selected
 candidate replied.
                                - - - - -
 
*   The Personnel Officer was concluding the interview with the
  applicant for an entry level position in the Social Security
  Administration:  "Well, Mr. Samuels, everything seems to be in
  order.  I think we can start you working here next week."
    "Great !" the man replied. "I've always wanted to be a
  civil serpent."
                                - - - - -
 
*   "Miss Johnson.  I see under 'Experience' you only have clerical
  type work listed." said the executive. "Why exactly do you feel
  you're qualified to manage a department store such as ours ?"
    "Easy." the pert lil' blonde replied. "At least twice a week,
  my former boss would call me into his private office and give me
  the business."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
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Date:    Sat, 12 Sep 1998 08:10:05 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: U Know It
 
At a company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters
around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as:
'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'.
 
This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U'
(you). However, to the joy of the staff, a handwritten addition to
the posters appeared.  It was the single word: 'B LL'.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Sat, 12 Sep 1998 09:47:18 -0500
From:    "D. B. Christian" <dchristi@BADLANDS.NODAK.EDU>
Subject: Bill and Monica (adult)
 
After looking through the Starr report, I've come to realize that
deep down, Monica really didn't love Bill.
 
If she did, there wouldn't have been a stain on the dress.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Sep 1998 09:59:55 -0500
From:    Joe Hickman <comedy@FLASH.NET>
Subject: Shallow Thoughts <political>
 
It's too bad Republicans cut funding to the National Endowment for
the Arts, or the Starr Report could have also included
illustrations.
 
If you cloned Rush Limbaugh, could you accidentally get a liberal
lady, if something went terribly right?
 
In America we have a constitutional right to carry a baseball bat.
But we should realize that, in doing so, we are much more likely to
take a swing at Charleton Heston.
 
If I forgive everybody, will they shut up?
 
 
http://www.flash.net/~comedy/air/air.html
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Sep 1998 11:46:55 -0400
From:    Jerry Alan Cole <smokin@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Re: Paul Benoit Carpe Diem
 
Don't forget:
 
*Carpe Per Diem -- Seize The Check
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Sep 1998 09:41:23 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: [suggestive]
 
from the Internuts Digest 1.69:
 
Q: Why did the gerbil fail its driver's test?
 
A: It couldn't get out of gear [1].
 
 
http://www.ozemail.com.au/~ehocking

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Date:    Sat, 12 Sep 1998 16:39:19 EDT
From:    J R S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Magic Mirror <Adult>
 
A newly wed couple were looking to decorate their new house. Whilst
bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror, which the shop owner
states is "magical". The couple buy the mirror, and place it on the
back of their bedroom door.
 
One day the wife decided to test the mirror out, and whilst looking
into the mirror said: "Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my boobs
size 44."
 
And lo and behold it came true! She ran down the stairs to show her
husband, who was utterly amazed. He proceeded to run up to the
bedroom, and whilst looking in the mirror he said: "Mirror, mirror
on the door, Make my manhood touch the floor."  And then his legs
fell off.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Sep 1998 15:31:58 -0500
From:    "Matthew Jeremiah 24:7 Francis" <matthew-francis@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Bricklayer's Accident
 
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the
newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation
Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's
report.
 
Dear Sir;
 
I am writing in response to your request for additional information
in Block #3 of theaccident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as
the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following details will be sufficient.
 
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when
weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the
bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a
pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth
floor.

 
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the
240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form
that my weight is 135 lbs.
 
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless
to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
 
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as
listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
 
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping
until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the
pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain
I was now beginning to experience.
 
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit
the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
 
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a
rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the
third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two
fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs
and lower body.
 
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the
barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell
into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were
cracked.
 
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six
stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind
and let go of the rope.
 
 
- Just 4 Laughs Humor list
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Sep 1998 17:12:56 -0400
From:    Badi'i <badii@CARIBSURF.COM>
Subject: Slogans For Comdom Week <adult>
 
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
 
- Cover your stump before you hump.
- Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
- Don't be silly, protect your willy.
- When in doubt, shroud your spout.
- Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
- You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.
- If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
- If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
- If you slip between her thighs, condomize.
- It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
- She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.
- If you go into heat, package your meat.
- While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.
- When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.
- Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
- Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker.
- Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
- The right selection, is to protect your erection.
- Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.
- If you really love her, wear a cover.
- Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.
- Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
- If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/6055
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Sep 1998 17:13:12 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: DumB(adult)
 
   Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays
in the  water.  The son comes running up to his mom and says,
Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours?!
   The mom says, The bigger they are, the dumber they are. So he
goes back and plays.  Several minutes later he comes running
back and says... Mommy, i saw men with dingers a lot bigger than
Daddys!
   The mom says, the bigger they are, the dumber they are. So he
goes back and plays.  Several minutes later he comes running back
and says... Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I
ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he
got!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Sep 1998 16:27:54 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Cherokee Chief (Pun)
 
   A small band of Cherokee Indians on a Midwest reservation was so
poor it didn't even have skins to make teepees. Other bands knew it
as the bunch that had no hides to place. But this sad state was
remedied one day when the chief found oil on the property.
   The happy juice gushed to such an extent all of them became
wealthy beyond the dreams of Manitou. The chief became wealthiest
of all.
   He bought sports jackets, cars and other luxuries for himself
and his five sons and took them to Miami for the winter. Before
leaving he told a travel agent he wanted the best accommodation and
that he wished his sons trained in the gentleman's sport of
yachting.
   When the yacht club that was approached asked the reason for the
chief's request, the answer went back from the agent: "I guess he
wants to see his... red sons in the sail set."
 
(By Bennett Cerf)
 
------------------------------

 
Date:    Sat, 12 Sep 1998 20:16:46 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The White House
 
The wives of four presidents and prime ministers are talking
together about how a penis is called in their language.
 
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman
because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris
Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot because you never know
if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of
Chirac says in France you call it a curtain because it goes down
after the act.
 
Well Hillary Clinton says that in the USA you call it a rumor
because it goes from mouth to mouth.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 12 Sep 1998 21:01:50 -0700
From:    Joke List <1rodney@GEOCITIES.COM>
Subject: Pig Farm
 
Irv Cohen was tired of the rat race of New York City.  He decided
to move to the peace and quiet of the country.  He bought a small
farm and moved away from the big city.  Not knowing what to do with
the farm, he talked to his neighbors.  They suggested going to the
local auction and buying some live stock.  Irv did just that.  In
fact, he got a good deal on a dozen pigs at the auction.  When he
got them home he realized they were all females so he talked to his
neighbor to see if he could bring his girls pigs over to meet with
his boy pigs so this man could get some babies. The neighbor agreed
and so Irv, the new farmer, loaded the girl pigs in his truck to
visit the neighbors pigs.
 
That night he went back to pick them up and he asked his neighbor
"How will I know if they are going to have little pigs?" The
neighbor said that they would start acting real different and that
he could just tell. So next morning he went and checked his pigs
and they were just acting normal so he took them back to the
neighbors again. Next morning same thing no change so he took them
back.
 
Next morning he was sitting at the table and he said to his wife
"Honey, look out the window and see if the pigs are acting
different." She looked out the window and said "well I don't know
how different you mean but 11 of them are in the back of the truck
and one is in the front honking the horn!!!!!"
 
 
Rodney And Cathy's Joke List
Visit our web site at: http://www.rcjokelist.com
To subscribe send a message to: rcjokelist-on@mail-list.com
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Sep 1998 to 13 Sep 1998
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