HUMOR Digest - 11 Sep 1998 to 12 Sep 1998
There are 8 messages totalling 225 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Drinking
  2. Things That Kids Teach Us
  3. Carpe Diem <adult>
  4. It's A Miracle!
  5. THE gay church guy(adult)
  6. Shapes <adult>
  7. Chinese wedding night
  8. Mark McGwire (Pun)
 
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Date:    Fri, 11 Sep 1998 04:12:59 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Drinking
 
* I understand old Stan Kegel once filled his birdbath with several
  pitchers of margaritas.  It was enuff tequila mockingbird.
                            - - - - -
 
* It doesn't take much alcohol at all to get Mrs JimJr intoxicated.
  Two drinks and even her hiccups are slurred.
                            - - - - -
 
* Some bars have the strangest rules when ya think about it.  I
  mean, why do I have to wear a shirt and tie to go in a bar to
  see a topless dancer.
                            - - - - -
 
* Drinking to excess may have some unforeseen benefits after all.
  Fellow I know just got a job in an auto repair facility -- he
  removes the old paint by breathing on it.
                            - - - - -
 
* Personally, I only drink to enjoy.  We were at a friend's house
  and he began serving drinks.  He asked what I wanted, and I told
  him it didn't matter as long as it was tall and cool and full of
  canadian whiskey.  He sent over his wife.
                            - - - - -
 
* Once at a dinner party, a guest and I got into a discussion of
  our heritages.  I mentioned that I was an English "Moore" as
  opposed to our distant cousins, the Irish "Moores".  He said
  that he had a mixed heritage -- half Scotch, half soda.
                            - - - - -
 
*   I read an article by an evangelist on how alcohol is so
  addictive to some people that they'll actually spend their last
  pennies just to buy a drink.  And that this country is full of
  alcoholics and their numbers are increasing almost daily.
    That article totally changed the way I think about drinking.
  Now, I'm considering buying a bar.
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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Date:    Fri, 11 Sep 1998 07:01:08 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Things That Kids Teach Us
 
 1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
 2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with
    roller blades, they can ignite.
 3. A 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
    restaurant.
 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not
    strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Pound Puppy
    underwear and a Superman cape.
 5. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls
    of a 20 by 20 foot room.
 6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
 7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
 8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball
    up a few times before you get a hit.
 9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball
    hit by a ceiling fan.
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's
    already too late.
12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
    36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
15. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
16. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball
    shoes it does not leak. It explodes.
17. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot
    house 4 inches deep.
18. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
19. Duplos will not.
20. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same
    sentence.
 
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Date:    Fri, 11 Sep 1998 08:08:21 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Carpe Diem <adult>
 
The Latin term, "Carpe Diem" means "Sieze the day"...
  Here are some up-to-date variations on the theme:
 
* Carper diem:  When Avis or Hertz rent by the day
* Carpe Stem -- Picking a flower.
* Carpe Dim -- Seizing the night.
* Carp Diem -- Seizing Chinese goldfish.
* Crap Diem -- Seizing the chance to "go."
* Carpe Hem -- Seizing a skirt.
* Cop "Eh?" Diem -- Conversing with a Canadian policeman.
* Sharpei Diem -- Seize the wrinkled dog.
* Carpool Diem -- Riding to work together today.
* Carpe Phlegm -- "Gobbing" into one's hand.
* Carpe Chem -- Seizing a drug shipment.
* Carpe Fem -- "Grab yer girl, fellas!"
* Carpe Feel -- when you Carpe Fem!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 11 Sep 1998 09:49:06 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: It's A Miracle!
 
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio
show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding.  The state
trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine
bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
 
And the minister says, "Just water."
 
The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
 
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord,
He's done it again!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
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Date:    Fri, 11 Sep 1998 09:07:59 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: THE gay church guy(adult)
 
The church service was under way and they pasted the collection
plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection
plate, he stop the service and announced, "Who ever put the $100.00
bill in the plate please stand up."
 
A gay man stood up and said, "I did."
 
The preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate I
would like to let you pick out three hymes."
 
Excitedly, the gay guy said, "Well, I'll take him, and him, and
him."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
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Date:    Fri, 11 Sep 1998 15:37:14 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Shapes <adult>
 
All right, a question for the educated masses:
 
If a round peg fits into a round hole,
and a square peg fits into a  square hole,
then why isn't the end of a penis shaped like an axe?
 
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Date:    Fri, 11 Sep 1998 18:13:51 -0400
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: Chinese wedding night

 
A Chinese couple get married, and the virgin bride is nervous.  On
the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her
husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be
reassuring:  "My darling, I know this is your first time and you
are frightened.  I assure you, I will give you anything you want, I
will do anything you want.  What do you desire?"
 
"I want 69" she replies.
 
"You want beef with broccoli?"
 
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Date:    Fri, 11 Sep 1998 20:39:35 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Mark McGwire (Pun)
 
Today Cardinal Mark McGwire drove through Vatican City,
when he ran into a busload of the Sisters of St. Louis.
... He hit sixty one Rome Nuns. (By Norm Gilbert)
 
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End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Sep 1998 to 12 Sep 1998
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