HUMOR Digest - 10 Sep 1998 to 11 Sep 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 562 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Twists and Turns
  2. Top5 - 9/9/98 - New Boy Scout Merit Badges (fwd)
  3. Grandparents/Chicken (mature)
  4. Camels <adult>
  5. Help Me, Doc! <adult>
  6. the SpeLLing bee tRooper(offensive)
  7. Some questions & comments about current events
  8. He Thinks He's Me!
  9. 101 Things Not To Say During Sex <adult>
 10. Camping Story
 11. Blind parachuter
 12. Two Treats (Puns)
 13. Top Ten Signs That You've Chosen The Wrong Psychiatrist
     (Adult)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 10 Sep 1998 03:36:30 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Twists and Turns
 
*   Clinton, on a stop in Arkansas this week, told a crowd, "There
  are over a hundred jails in this state, and I'm proud to say that
  no member of my family has ever been in one of them."
    A voice from the back said, "And which one is that ?"
                                - - - - -
 
*   Some people just seem to have a lot of luck.  A friend of mine 
  is one of those card players who can almost always draw whatever
  he needs to win a hand in poker, but loses big time at the races.
     I asked him about this once and he replied, "Well... they
  won't let me shuffle the horses."
                                - - - - -
 
*   Speaking of gamblers (I was).  At a Las Vegas gambler's
  funeral, the Minister, trying to console the grieving family,
  said "Sam's not dead, he only sleeps."
    At that, a man jumped up in the back of the funeral parlor and
  said, "I got a thousand at 10 to 1 sez he's dead."
                                - - - - -
 
*   In Columbia Maryland, work is progressing on one of the most
  beautiful chapels I've ever seen.  Since there was no sign at the
  site, I stopped and asked the Superintendent what denomination it
  was being built for.
    He said, "None at the moment, a group of investors are building
  it on speculation."
                                - - - - -
 
*   We had a couple over to dinner the other night and the woman 
 was complaining about her male boss.  Mrs JimJr, trying to console
 her, said simply, "When it comes to women, all men become idiots,
 when they're the boss."
    I piped up and said, "Hey, now wait just minute there, I was
 a boss."
    Tilting her head in my direction, Mrs JimJr said to the lady,
 "See ???"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 10 Sep 1998 06:00:31 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 9/9/98 - New Boy Scout Merit Badges (fwd)
 
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                       September 9, 1998
             The Top 12 New Boy Scout Merit Badges
 
12> VCR Service & Repair
 
11> Fatherhood
 
10> Drive-By
 
 9> Keeping Scoutmaster Bob's Big Secret
 
 8> Savagely Beating Smaller Effeminate Boys
 
 7> Porno Website Design
 
 6> The Everyone-Gets-A-Merit-Badge Merit Badge
 
 5> Wayne Newton Impersonation
 
 4> Snow Penmanship
 
 3> Fat Child Teasing
 
 2> Whatever
 
    and Top5's Number 1 New Boy Scout Merit Badge...
 
 1> Laying Down the P-Funk
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 10 Sep 1998 06:59:44 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Grandparents/Chicken (mature)
 
 TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE STILL SEXUALLY ACTIVE
 
 10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
 
  9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
 
  8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of
     "denture-burn."
 
  7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
 
  6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
 
  5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
 
  4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
 
  3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of
     the May issue of Hustler.
 
  2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
 
       And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are
       still sexually active.....
 
 1.  Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."
                   ************************
 
                     Chicken and the Egg
 
 A chicken and an egg were lying next to each other in bed. The
chicken was smiling and smoking a cigarette. With a pissed off look
the egg said, "Well, I guess we've answered that question"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 10 Sep 1998 11:38:43 +0100
From:    "Vandersijp_kca, Jaap"
         <Jaap.Vandersijp@KCA-DRILLING.CO.UK>
Subject: Camels <adult>
 
   A U.N. Observer is staying for three months in the desert in
Algeria. He asks a Berber in the kamp: "What do you lot do when
there are no woman available for so long?"
   "Oh", the Berber says  "we take a camel."
   "Aha", says the observer,  and off he is to the pen. Walking up
to a female camel , he lifts up the tail and with a slightly
disgusted look on his face starts shagging the camel. When he
buttons up he notices the Berber looking surprised.
   "That's one way of doing it, but usually we just use the camel
to get to the nearest village and get some of the girls there." .
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 10 Sep 1998 07:47:14 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Help Me, Doc! <adult>
 
Linda Tripp has been feeling a little upset lately - she turned on
her only friend in the world, other than that cucumber she saves
for those 'special times'... Then she caught her little press
conference on the Evening News, and was horrified that her voice
quavered like a bad cartoon character, not to mention looking like
a Pro Wrestler in drag...
 
So, needing a mental boost, Linda decided to make herself a long-
overdue appointment with a psychiatrist. When she walked into his
office, she said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't
have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody just
laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
 
"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go on over there
and lie face down on that couch."
 
               +++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Q: What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?
A: Lipstick, if he's lucky.
                          (Jaimie "Lucky" Zaugg)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 10 Sep 1998 08:38:07 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: the SpeLLing bee tRooper(offensive)
 
A West Virginia state trooper was the first to arrive at the scene
of a two car accident.  As he pulled over, he saw two cars in
ditches on either side of an interstate highway, and a decapitated
head in the middle of the road.
 
Climbing out of his car, he stepped over to the first car and
pulled out a notepad... car in d-e-t-c-h... "nope, that's not
it"... car in d-e-c-t-h... "nope, that's not it either"... car in
d-e-i-t-c ... "durn, that ain't it either" ... car in d-i-t-c-h...
"yeah, thats it!"
 
The trooper then stepped across the road to the other car, and
wrote down the same info as the first.  Then he walked over to the
decapitated head lying in the middle of the interstate.  Head in
e-n-t-i-r-s-t-i-t... "nope, that ain't it"... Head in i-n-d... The
cop then looks around and quickly kicks the head into the ditch...
Head in d-i-t-c-h... "Yeah, that sounds good!"
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 10 Sep 1998 10:49:39 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Some questions & comments about current events
 
My child is a horror student.
 
Stores have Halloween candy, costumes and decorations already. When
did Halloween become such an event that we need two months to
prepare for it?
 
Sam Nunn and George Bush are the winning ticket for the next
presidential election. Why, Nunn-Bush would be a "shoe in."
 
I went to my psychiatrist and he told me I was insane. I said I
wanted a second opinion so he said, "You're ugly, too."
 
The Democratic Party: A wholly owned subsidiary of the National
Education Association.
 
As a parent, you know you're raising a buch of young rednecks when
your children would rather see "Godzilla" than "Mulan."
 
If a man from Michigan is a Michigander, why isn't a woman a
Michigoose?
 
I've had to change my newspaper reading habits. Now I read the
comics for serious material and the editorials for laughs.
 
Smokers do have rights. They have a right to go outside.
 
I asked my dentist what to do about my yellow teeth, and he advised
wearing a brown tie.
 
The real reason Gadhafi remains a colonel and does not make himself
a general is because in his heart he knows he is the reincarnation
of another famous colonel that brought America under his control
with a bucket of chicken.
 
Is anyone else tired of all these WASP hurricanes? When are we
going to see Hurricane LaKiesha?
 
 
Source: www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 10 Sep 1998 15:29:14 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: He Thinks He's Me!
 
This bloke had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned
something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender,
concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he
looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his
girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his
head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it
might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
 
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend
entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so
funny?" the bartender asked.
 
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks
he's me!"
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 10 Sep 1998 18:23:21 -0400
From:    Badi'i <badii@CARIBSURF.COM>
Subject: 101 Things Not To Say During Sex <adult>
 
101 Things NOT To Say During Sex
 
 1. But everybody looks funny naked!
 2. You woke me up for that?
 3. Did I mention the video camera?
 4. Do you smell something burning?
 5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
 6. Try breathing through your nose.
 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
    Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the
    zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-
    cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten
    potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who
    you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. You can cook, too right?
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really
         like...
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off.
    Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/6055
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 10 Sep 1998 18:34:30 -0500
From:    "Matthew Jeremiah 24:7 Francis" <matthew-francis@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Camping Story
 
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always
quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her
husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to
a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to
make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know
how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring
herself to write the work "toilet" in her letter. After much
deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term
BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought
she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote
the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the
BC: "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually
wrote.
 
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he
got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was
talking about. That BC business really stumped him. After worrying
about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but
they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground
owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be
asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the
following reply:
 
Dear Madam:
   I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now
take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles
north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people
at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the
habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know
that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a
day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
   It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustic are marvelous
even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife
and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand
up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that
right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats.
They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
   I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go
more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As
we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold
weather.
   If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go
with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to
all the other folks.
 
Remember, this is a friendly community.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 10 Sep 1998 19:05:17 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Blind parachuter
 
A blind man was describing his favorite sport-parachuting.  When
asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done
for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump.  My hand
is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
 
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
 
"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and
grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
 
"Yes, but how do you know when to prepare for the shock of hitting
the ground?" he was again asked.
 
He quickly answered, "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 10 Sep 1998 20:54:52 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Two Treats (Puns)
 
Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A mama
cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, "Mama,
I'm soooo hungry, what can we eat?" To which the mama cat, spying
the two birds, replied, "How about some ... Baskin Robbins?"
                    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Did you here about the guy the police found dead inside an Ice
Cream Van? He was lying there stone cold dead, covered in whipped
cream, strawberry sauce and sprinkles.... It was a Sunday.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 11 Sep 1998 00:42:19 EDT
From:    Michael Gaines <HonkyTonkR@AOL.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Signs That You've Chosen
         The Wrong Psychiatrist (Adult)
 
10. He begins the word association test with the term "fellatio".
 9. You see a price tag on his diploma.
 8. After awakening from hypnosis, you discover that your bra is
    missing.
 7. He takes notes with a crayon.
 6. He frequently masturbates while you're talking.
 5. He's always wearing that rubber nose and glasses get-up.
 4. He pulls out a vibrator and informs you that shock treatment
    has come a long way.
 3. You tell him that you're suicidal and he offers to write the
    note for an additional charge.
 2. He insists that knowing the color of your panties would further
    the diagnosis.
 1. That annoying habit of blowing spit-bubbles.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Sep 1998 to 11 Sep 1998
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