HUMOR Digest - 9 Sep 1998 to 10 Sep 1998
There are 18 messages totalling 910 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. More True Stories
  2. 90's Lifestyles <some adult humor>
  3. Top5 - 9/8/98 - Football Season is Starting
  4. The walk <clean, but testosterone-driven>
  5. Legal Brief - Up in Smoke!!??
  6. Fishin' Is Better Than Makin' Love <adult>
  7. Useful Law Degree
  8. THE noTe(adult)
  9. Curiosity <adult>
 10. Just Looking
 11. MS Word (Off to Clinton)
 12. Even More Top Ten Reasons I Should've Stayed Single
 13. India Expands Elephant Spawning
 14. A Mangled Bardic Tale (More Clinton drivel)
 15. coyotes (offf. to them, cruel as well)
 16. Mildly humorous comments questions about current events
 17. The Safari (Pun)
 18. Hollywood Squares <suggestive>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 03:47:09 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: More True Stories
 
A Canadian bank robber was jailed for committing a totally
unnecessary robbery as he held up the bank with an antique Colt 45
revolver worth more than the amount he tried to steal. If he's sold
the gun, he would have walked free with 18 times the amount the
bank heist netted.
                    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
Wives in America can now call time on husbands who leave the toilet
seat up, by buying a new gadget on offer which triggers a warning
if the seat isn't returned to its down position.
                    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
 
A British nursing home has angered the family of a deceased man by
demanding one months rent in lieu of the fact the man didn't give
any notice of termination of residency. After residing in the home
for a total of six years and spending over L90,000 in that time,
the home still wanted an extra L1,400 for dying without giving the
required notice to avoid a penalty charge.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 03:52:14 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: 90's Lifestyles <some adult humor>
 
* These days guys who don't drink, smoke, curse or run around are
  still out & about; only now, they make all their own dresses too.
                              - - - - -
 
* An instant condom is still in the works.  It seems there are some
  problems with the heat application process.  But the company
  looks for an early release of "Seal-a-Male".
                              - - - - -

 
* Speaking of new products (I was) I still have quite a few doubts
  about the usefulness of the new solar powered paper clip.
                              - - - - -
 
* I saw an ad in the paper for a 14 family garage sale, and
  naturally, I had to go.  Got some terrific bargains too.  I
  bought 2 cousins, an Aunt and a step-sister.
                              - - - - -
 
* After recently breaking all records, the New York Stock Market
  was taking a beating until yesterday.  One fellow I know lost
  almost everything.  He had put all his money into junk blondes.
                              - - - - -
 
* A yuppette in Columbia Maryland recently got engaged.  A friend 
  asked her what she could possibly want with a nerd like him.  The
  perky lil' yuppette smiled and replied, "He possesses that rarest
  of masculine virtues -- ten million dollars."
                              - - - - -
 
* Recently at the Columbia Mall, two gays attacked a female, ripped
  off all her clothes and outfitted her in the latest fashions.
  After they fled, she grabbed her cell phone from her purse,
  dialed 911, and screamed, "Help... I've been draped."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
To subscribe:
     Send an e-mail to: listserv@listserv.uga.edu
     leave the subject area blank; in the BODY of the
     letter, type: SUB HUMOR yourfirstname yourlastname
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 06:04:22 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 9/8/98 - Football Season is Starting
 
 
       T  H  E     T  O  P     F  I  V  E     L  I  S  T
                      September 8, 1998
          The Top 12 Signs Football Season is Starting
 
12> The "Jerry Springer" show is no longer the only place to watch
    large asses crammed into tight shiny pants.
 
11> Ross Perot warns Americans about a "giant sucking sound" coming
    from the Louisiana Superdome.
 
10> Groundhog emerges, sees shadow, gets drunk, and sexually
    assaults a passing gopher.
 
 9> Mike Ditka's blood pressure can now be measured from Hubble
    Telescope using a simple infrared filter.
 
 8> Al Michaels is seen beating his head against a tree stump to
    prepare for yet another mind-numbing season in the broadcast
    booth with Dan Dierdorf.
 
 7> Foreplay now involves dressing provocatively as Arrowhead
    Stadium.
 
 6> Word is out in Dallas: Even one snotty little Cowboy joke on
    the Top5 List and Chris White's ass is grass.
 
 5> Fist fights have moved from the Beanie Baby aisle to the
    Creatine aisle.
 
 4> National supply of "C" batteries depleted as "football widows"
    stock up for the season.
 
 3> Ass-pattings up an astonishing 119%.
 
 2> John Madden throws out the ceremonial first wildly cartoonish
    hyperbole and gesticulation.
 
         and Top5's Number 1 Sign Football Season is Starting...
 
 1> It's okay to say the word "Packer" again within a group
    of guys.
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 13:00:57 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The walk <clean, but testosterone-driven>
 
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the
class was in full swing.  The instructor was teaching the women how
to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the
necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
 
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.  And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt
you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!"
 
The room really got quiet.
 
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
 
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
 
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 07:05:51 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Legal Brief - Up in Smoke!!??
 
Another example of why this country needs a few more good lawyers!
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare,
very expensive cigars, insured them against..."Get this"... fire.
 
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous
cigars and having yet to make a single premium payment on the
policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his
claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of
small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal
fashion.
 
                   The man sued... .. AND WON
 
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held
a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars
against fire, without defining what it considered to be
"unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured
for his loss.  Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal
process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and
paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
 
                      BUT  WHAT COMES AROUND...
 
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had
him arrested... On 24 counts of arson!! With his own insurance
claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence
against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the
rare cigars. He was sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!!
 
I suppose there's justice in there somewhere... This is a true
story from the "Legal Times".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 08:02:23 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Fishin' Is Better Than Makin' Love <adult>
 
When you go fishin' and you catch somethin', that's good.
If you're making love and you catch somethin', that's bad.
              -----------------------
Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
And want to know how many other fish you caught.
           -----------------------
Fish don't complain if you light up a smoke right after you
catch 'em.
          -----------------------
You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie and
promise to still be friends after you let it go.
          -----------------------
You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler; if you want to
catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.
          -----------------------
You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep
catching fish.
          -----------------------
Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin'.
          -----------------------
You don't have to promise to respect a fish in the morning.
          -----------------------
In fishin' you lie about the one that got away.
In lovin' you lie about the one you caught.
          -----------------------
Fishing is a lot easier than makin' love too...
You can shower, shave, brush your teeth, go get a haircut,
put on aftershave, change your underwear.
Or you can go down to the bait shop, buy a dozen
waxworms, you're in business! See?
 

-- Earl Pitts, American Redneck
   (via Paul S)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 13:04:22 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Useful Law Degree
 
Note: This is not mine, I only picked it up in my travels.
 
A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I
was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It
is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the
prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink
cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big
tires, tra la la la.
 
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a
beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker.
I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy,
overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.
 
Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to
yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred,
mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells,
"Jerk" at me again. Twice?  I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?"
(Ever the interrogator, I am.)
"I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by ear?"
(Ed. note: The Doppler Effect could be applicable here)
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop.
   I'll wave him down."
 
THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds
to tell him that she observed me speeding.
"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I
accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid
a collision.
 
"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them."
I give the paperwork to the cop.
 
She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What
about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I began feeling little
overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.
"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop,
" Which makes them street legal as a replacement."
 
Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any
tickets to this jerk?"
The cop says, "No, I am not."
 
I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she
left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car
here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street
at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree
angle, which is a ticketable offense."
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me.
A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry
v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my
speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an
indictable offense." The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can
demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention
charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and
Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."
 
The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he
authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of
traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against
her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!
 
Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look
on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction
for me. Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.
 
 
http://3-cities.com/~mmullen/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 08:18:19 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: THE noTe(adult)
 
Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife
wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the
kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting up,
so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
     THE TENT POLE IS UP,
     THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
     THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
     COME BACK TO BED.
 
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
     TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
     PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
     THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
     NO CIRCUS TODAY.
 
So he sent another note down. It read:
     THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
     AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
     SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
     AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD
 
To which she replied:
     I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
     THE BEST IN THE LAND
     BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
     SO DO IT BY HAND !
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 09:50:50 -0400
From:    Badi'i <badii@CARIBSURF.COM>
Subject: Curiosity <adult>
 
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.
 
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
 
Mom: Well dear... a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.
One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have
sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his
penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
 
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and
daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get
when you do that?
 
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/6055
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 10:01:49 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Just Looking
 
A blind man and his guide dog went into a department store to do
some shopping. All of a sudden, the man picked his dog up by the
tail and started swinging him around in circles.
 
A sales clerk who noticed this, rushed up to the man and said,
"Sir! Is there anything I can help you with?!"
 
To which the blind man replied, "No thanks, just looking around."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 08:17:19 PDT
From:    J Hardwick <hardwickj@ESSEX.USMC.MIL>
Subject: MS Word (Off to Clinton)
 
For those of you with Word...
 
In Word, type the sentence "I'd like Bill Clinton to resign."
Then highlight it and check it with the thesaurus.
Make sure you highlight the entire sentence.
               -------------------------
 
Answer: "I'll drink to that"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 13:06:30 EDT
From:    Michael Gaines <HonkyTonkR@AOL.COM>
Subject: Even More Top Ten Reasons I Should've Stayed Single
 
 10. I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.
  9. I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.
  8. I'd remember what an erection looks like.
  7. Bachelors dont have Mother-in-laws.
  6. I could use my own name at hotels.
  5. I wouldnt have a driving instructor grading me every time I go
     somewhere.
  4. You can see other women better when you dont have to look out
     the corner of your eye.
  3. When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're
     fat !"
  2. I could put my trophy for "The Biggest Beer Gut" in the living
     room where it belongs.
  1. I could spend more time thinking up jokes instead of excuses
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 13:37:31 -0400
From:    Joydeep Mitra <mitra@AECOM.YU.EDU>
Subject: India Expands Elephant Spawning
 
September 9, 1998 By The Associated Press
 
LUCKNOW, India (AP) -- The elephants who haul tourists or help
rangers patrol northern India's nature reserves will now be allowed
to have babies, a politician announced Wednesday.
 
  The policy shift is designed to ensure the animals remain tame.
 
  All 25 of the elephants working in Uttar Pradesh forests are
female because they respond to commands better than males. But
until now, trainers had feared mating working female elephants with
untamed males because the females might be tempted to stray into
the wild.
 
  Now the tame females and wild males will be allowed to mate under
supervision, then be separated and the females moved to another
reserve.
 
  ``I am happy that the right to motherhood has been restored,''
Uttar Pradesh state forest minister Raghuvir Singh told The
Associated Press.
 
  The working elephants will also get a year's maternity leave,
Singh said.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 14:36:27 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: A Mangled Bardic Tale (More Clinton drivel)
 
 Scene 1. A forest glen. Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.
 
  Witch Tripp:: Double, double, Webster Hubbell,
                I think I got the Creep in trouble.
                Eye of Newt, strap of bra,
                Could it be he broke some law?
                Praise this broth utmost ephemeral,
                Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril!
                Hark! Who trespasses so near?
 
  Kenneth of Starr:: T'is I, the Inquisitor. What news?
 
  Witch Tripp:: Things proceed with quickening speed, m'lord.
                The maiden Lewinsky, so deeply embroil'd, is
                now join'd by the Lady Willey in like pursuit.
                Daily tightens the noose around the king.
 
  Kenneth of Starr:: Would that it were so, but he hath good
                     counsel, and more moves than a chess board.
                     His public, well pleas'd with good news of the
                     economie, doth o'erlook much.
 
  Witch Tripp:: How may I serve you next?
 
  Kenneth of Starr:: I have need of acts damnable and facts
                     verifiable. Else he may elude me yet.
 
  Witch Tripp:: His dog Buddy, freshly neuter'd, may bear his
                master harsh reproach. He may consent to wearing
                a collar of our invention, to survey the king at
                his ease. Dogs are much accustom'd to insects.
                What's one more bug?
 
  Kenneth of Starr: Good hag, I rely on you completely. I must
                    be away.
 
  Exeunt Tripp and Starr.......................................
 
 
  Scene 2. The King's antechamber
 
  Duke of McCurry: My Lord! I needs must speak with you most
                   urgently! The castle is assaulted on all sides!
 
  King Billy::  What would I not give for an hour's peace!
 
  Duke of McCurry:: An army of reporters is settled at thy gate.
                    They are press in  name and press in deed, for
                    they press me daily, nay, hourly for some
                    explanation from thy lips.
 
  King Billy::  Who is there among them?
 
  Duke of McCurry:: Lords Jennings, Brokaw, Rather, Geraldo of
                    Rivera and a host of others.  Methinks I spied
                    the van from Hard Copy.
 
  King Billy::  You cut me to the quick. Do they not know that
                I am chaste?
 
  Duke of McCurry: They insinuate that thou hast chased too
                   often.
 
  King Billy::  Never have lies been so artfully stack'd against
                a pure soul. Where is Lady Hillary?
 
  Duke of McCurry::  Her secretary doth report that she is lock'd
                     in her bath, saying over and over, "Why can I
                     not wash my hands of this guy?"
 
  King Billy::  Oh cursed fate! I must be the most solitary mortal
                in all creation. Never have I betrayed m'lady's
                trust.
 
  Duke of McCurry:: Whatever.
 
  Enter Messenger.

 
 Messenger::   Good king, steel thy nerve. I bring a missive from
                Kenneth of Starr, the Grand Inquisitor.
 
  King Billy::  Was ever a man as Starr-cross'd as I? Why does this
                man conspire to afflict me thus? My hand is
                unsteady. Read it to me.
 
  Messenger::   Let me see. He offers you his regards, blah, blah,
                blah, then doth subpoena you to appear at his
                chamber at Friday next, to forswear again that thou
                tookst no liberties with the wench Jones, who
                withdraweth not her claims against you.
 
  King Billy::  I have already so sworn!
 
  Duke of McCurry:: It would seem, m'lord, that the woeful
                    tale of Lady Willey rekindles old flames.
 
  King Billy::  I kiss'd the woman on the forehead, as a sign of
                my regard.  Never was a king so expos'd!
 
  Duke of McCurry::  Truer words were ne'er spoken.
 
  King Billy::  I cannot think on't further. Leave me to my own
                counsel.
 
  Exeunt Messenger and McCurry....
 
  King Billy::  To be forthright, or not to be forthright, that is
                the question.  Whether t'is nobler in the mind to
                suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
                or just bag the whole thing and teach law at a
                junior college.
 
  Enter Courtier...
 
  Courtier::    My liege, you are late for an appointed meeting.
 
  King Billy::  What's this?
 
  Courtier::    You were to interview a new assistant at the stroke
                of two. She seems most capable, and with rare
                intellect for one so young and fair.
 
  King Billy::  Well, tell her I will see her anon, and on, and on.
 
  Courtier::    A most clever jest, my king.
 
  King Billy::  Let us not tarry further.
 
  Exeunt King Bill and Courtier. Enter Buddy, from behind a chair.
 
  Buddy::       So dearest reader, I bid adieu.
                Meseeth I have much to do.
                And so it comes to this pretty pass...
                to see if the king doth get some... class.
 
  End.
 
 
Grace Cangialosi
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 11:06:11 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: coyotes (offf. to them, cruel as well)
 
The city boy goes to countryside visiting his uncle. The uncle is a
farmer and his estate is right in the middle of nowhere, among
sands and cactuses and the nearest interstate is two billion miles
away (I am quoting the boy!).
 
After the sun comes down, the boy hears strange, another-world
howling. He gets frightened and runs to his uncle. 'Uncle, uncle,
there are werewolves!'
 
'That's rubbish, boy, ain't no such thing'.
 
'Then, there must be man-eating wolves'.
'No, we haven't got those buddies, either.'
 
'What is this sound, then?' the boy asks.
'They are coyotes'. 'Coyotes? what are those'.
'They look a lot like dogs. In fact, ya can consider them a kind of
 dogs'.
 
The boy wants to find out more: 'Why are they making this
frightening noise?'
 
'See, nephew, we ain't got many trees around here. We got
cactuses!'
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 22:02:40 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Mildly humorous comments questions about current events
 
I've just changed brokers--from stock to pawn.
 
I don't trust people who smile a lot.
 
My Yankee husband wishes Southerners could stop dissing kudzu and
see the beauty of it through his eyes, the way it covers the
landscape, creating interesting and lovely shapes in the trees (as
it kill 'em).
 
Is a laughing hyena a hpapy hyena?
 
I always thought "inappropriate behavior" was something like
wearing a sport shirt to a formal dinner party, not committing
adultery and lying to 200 million people.
 
How was hail measured before golf balls were invented?
 
Do you remember who won the Iran-USA game? (Soccer World Cup 98)
 
Please tell me how to shove my beliefs down someone's throat. I
surely would like to do that.
 
My wife won't speak to me, but I know she reads the Vent every day.
I want to tell her that I'm sorry.
 
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and a song in my
heart. What scares me is that it was a Barry Manilow song.
 
Heard on a local radio station: "You should avoid drinking sewage
water." I'm so glad I got that warning in time. I was just
returning from the sewer with a week's supply of drinking water.
 
In selling out to the tobacco companies, the Republicans proved
there's at least one thing more addictive than nicotine--PAC money.
 
 
source: www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 19:05:21 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: The Safari (Pun)
 
Two safari guides in Africa were having a drink on the veranda and
watching the sun go down when they became engaged in an argument
over which was the better guide. Since each simply refused to
believe the other's hunting stories they were unable to resolve the
dispute themselves. They decided the only way to decide was to hunt
the very next day and the first of them to kill a lion would win
the distinction. A bet was also made that the loser must buy the
winner a pint of his favorite whisky. At dawn the next morning one
hunter was off with his bearers, beaters, Land Rovers, and all of
the other equipment needed for a successful hunt. All this while
the other hunter was sitting on the veranda, his feet up on the
railing, watching the hunters leave and drinking his morning
coffee.
 
The hunter on safari hunted high and low all day and just before
dark finally was able to surround a lion with his native hunters
and beaters. As the circle became tighter and tighter the lion
finally broke cover and ran into the open. The hunter drew a
careful bead on the lion and just as he was about to squeeze off
the killing shot, the other hunter suddenly swooped over the
hunting site in an airplane, pulled out a machine gun and shot and
killed the lion thus winning the bet.
 
The hunter on the ground was outraged. Back at the lodge he
confronted the other hunter about his poor sportsmanship and his
lack of honor to the spirit of the challenge. When asked to explain
himself the winner said "I don't understand why you are so upset. I
thought everybody knows... the shortest distance between two pints
is a strafed lion."
 
 
(By Bill Edwards)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 9 Sep 1998 18:52:35 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Hollywood Squares <suggestive>
 
PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"
 
 1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to
    start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a
    while. Why?
    PAUL LYNDE:  He's out of town.

 2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the
    movie "What's The Matter With Helen?"  Who plays Helen?
    CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver-that's why they asked the
                    question.
 
 3. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle
    aren't?
    PAUL LYNDE:  They give milk... and cookies, but I don't
                 recommend the cookies.
 
 4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
    your elephant?
    PAUL LYNDE:  Who told you about my elephant?
 
 5. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    CHARLEY WEAVER:  I'll lend him the car.  The rest is up to him.
 
 6. Robert Young recently stated, "I never, never give..."
    something to his fans who ask for it.  What?
    PAUL LYNDE:  A hysterectomy.
 
 7. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-
    one years old.  Now he says it was "one of the best things I
    ever did. What was it?
    MARTY ALLEN:  Rhonda Fleming.
 
 8. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
    them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.
    What are they?
    CHARLEY WEAVER:  His feet.
 
 9. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something
    very important.  What?
    PAUL LYNDE:  An engagement ring.
 
10. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors
    than drinking.  What?
    CHARLEY WEAVER:  Not drinking.
 
11. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something
    behind.  What?
    PAUL LYNDE:  A masked baby.
 
12. True or false:  Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by
    running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
    CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall
                    guests.
 
13. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the
    Kabuki. Why?
    PAUL LYNDE:  It was a long plane ride.
 
14. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at
    least how high?
    CHARLEY WEAVER:  Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
15. Do female frogs croak?
    PAUL LYNDE:  If you hold their little heads under water.
 
16. You've been having trouble going to sleep.  Are you probably a
    man or a woman?
    DON KNOTTS:  That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
17. Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes?
    PAUL LYNDE:  Yes, it sleeps four.
 
18. True or false:  Many people sleep better in their street
    clothes than they do in their pajamas.
    PAUL LYNDE:  Yes.  We call them winos.
 
19. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your
    persimmons?
    PAUL LYNDE:  No.  You should dress warmly.
 
20. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious
    about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy
    and daddy?
    PAUL LYNDE:  Where can I get some?
 
21. Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to.
    Should you try to break him of his habit?
    JOAN RIVERS:  Yes.  It's daddy's turn.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Sep 1998 to 10 Sep 1998
***********************************************
 
