HUMOR Digest - 8 Sep 1998 to 9 Sep 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 527 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Cultural Differences - III
  2. Interesting News....
  3. Anything At All!
  4. Dolphins quarterback
  5. Redneck Sex Test <adult>
  6. Frederick's <slightly adult>
  7. 2 Brothers
  8. I'm a Truck Drivin' Man <adult>
  9. Psychic domain
 10. Summaries
 11. Top Ten Reasons I Should've Stayed Single
 12. BlONde ShoPPing
 13. Jobs
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 03:37:23 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Cultural Differences - III
 
* A poor Mexican hated to see his wife on her hands & knees
  scrubbing the kitchen floor.  For her birthday, he removed
  the floor.
                               - - - - -
 
* In this country ships are known as:
         "U.S.S. _____" (United States Ship)
  In England, it's:
         "H.M.S. ____" (His/Her Majesty's Ship)
  In Italy, ships are named:
         "A.M.B. ____" (Atta's My Boat)
                              - - - - -
 
* Probably second only to the British in being polite are the
  Japanese.  In fact, older businessmen always instruct the younger
  members of their firms that even hypocrisy is acceptable if you
  can pass it off with a smile and a good measure of politeness.
                              - - - - -
 
* In many cultures around the world, women going "topless" is not
  only acceptable, but natural.  One budding young teen in the
  South Seas got a training bra in the mail from a relative in the
  US.  She didn't use it though, it didn't come with any
  instructions.
                              - - - - -
 
* Militant black leader Khallid Abdul Muhammad was back in the news
  again after the "Million Youth March" ended in a skirmish with
  New York City Police.  In the past, he's so inflamed the world-
  wide Jewish population with his remarks about them, that people
  in Israel still uproot trees in his name.
                              - - - - -
 
*   An older German woman was berating her husband for not
  romancing her in recent years. "You used to hold my hand all the
  time." she said.  He held her hand. "You never kiss me." she
  whined.  He then kissed her and threw in a hug for good measure.
    "You used to nibble on the back of my neck and snuggle." she
  went on.  "Hold on." he replied.
    "Where are you going ?" she asked.  "To get my teeth." he
  replied.
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 09:24:58 GMT
From:    Michael Mullen <mmullen@3-CITIES.COM>
Subject: Re: Interesting News....
 
On Tue, 8 Sep 1998, Jack Shea  wrote:

|> In the Today section of the August 20, 1998 issue of
|> Dallas Morning News, there is a column about
|> bill collectors and pawn shops.
|>
|> The columnist is named Ben Dover.

And you'll find every Ben Dover in this world has married
a girl named Ilean.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 07:16:25 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Anything At All!
 
 An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an
attractive, sexy-looking lady knocked on his door. "Yes?", he
replied, "how may I help you?" The lady said "I need to talk to
you about my grade in your  class."
 
 "Come in and have a seat," said the instructor. "Is there anything
I can do to get an "A" in your class?"
 
 "What do you mean by anything?", he replied.
 "Anything.", she said.
 
 "Anything?", he said again. She said, in her best sultry voice "I
mean anything." The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat
down beside her and whispered in her ear, "Would you study?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 07:13:14 -0400
From:    "Alan G. Rosenberg" <arosenb@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Dolphins quarterback
 
    Jimmy Johnson has put together the perfect Dolphins team for
'98. The only thing he's missing is a good quarterback to replace
the injured Dan Marino. He has scouted all the colleges, and even
the high schools, but can't seem to find a quarterback that will
ensure a Super Bowl win.
   Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a war zone in the
Israeli territories. In the background, out of the corner of his
eye he spots a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm.
   First, he throws a hand grenade straight into a 15th story
window over 200 yards away--ka-BOOM!
   Next, he throws another hand grenade into a group of about 10
soldiers a good 110 yards away -- ka-BLOOEY!
   Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour -- bulls-eye! Another
grenade right into the barely open window.  "I've got to get me
this guy," Jimmy says to himself.  "He has the perfect arm!"  So he
brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of
football.
   Predictably,the young man  breaks all NFL records for completed
passes, accuracy, and touchdowns.  The Dolphins go on to win the
Super Bowl.
   The young Israeli is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl
XXXV and when Jimmy asks him what he wants, all the young man wants
to do is call his mother.
   Jimmy arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young
quarterback. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I  just
won the Super Bowl
   "I don't vant to talk to you," the old woman says.  "You
deserted us. you're no longer my son."
   "I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads.
"I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!  I'm in
the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
   "No, let ME tell YOU," the mother implores.  "At this very
 moment, there are gun shots all around us.  The neighborhood is a
pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of
their life last week, and this week your sister was brutally
attacked in broad daylight...."
   The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for
moving us to Miami."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 10:25:39 -0400
From:    Badi'i <badii@CARIBSURF.COM>
Subject: Redneck Sex Test <adult>
 
 1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
    True or False
 5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
 6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
 7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
 9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
    True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve". True or False
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/6055
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 11:58:12 EDT
From:    J R S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Frederick's <slightly adult>
 
   A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood.  He wants to buy his
wife the most sheer lingerie he can find.  The woman behind the
counter goes and gets an outfit.
 "This is $200," she says.
 "I want one that's more sheer," says he.
 "This one is $350."
  "I want it even more sheer than that."
 "This one is the most sheer that we have.  It's $500."
 "I'll take it!"
  The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go
put this on and come down to model it for me."  His wife goes
upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through
that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not.  I
can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
  So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose
at the top of the stairs.  "So, how do you like it?" she asks.
 "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 12:14:03 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: 2 Brothers
 
There were two evil brothers.  They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye.  They even attended the
same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
 
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired.  Not only
could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also
spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A
fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
 
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.  The remaining brother
sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him
a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new
building.
 
"I have only one condition," he said.  "At his funeral, you must
say my brother was a saint."   The pastor gave his word, and
deposited the check.
 
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was
an evil man," he said.  "He cheated on his wife and abused his
family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded
with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 12:23:33 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: I'm a Truck Drivin' Man <adult>
 
(via BOH)
 
   Three truck drivers die and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asks the first truck driver, "Did you ever break the
law?"  The truck driver responds, "Sure."
   St. Peter then asks him, "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"
The driver responds, "All the time."
   Then St. Peter asks him, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The
truck driver heartily responded, "Every chance I got." St. Peter
then told the first truck driver to go through door number 3 of the
three available doors.
   Then St. Peter asks the second truck driver, "Did you ever break
the law?"   The truck driver responds, "Sometimes."
   "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"  "Every now and then."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?"   "A couple of times." St. Peter
told truck driver number 2 to also enter door number 3.
   St. Peter now asks truck driver number 3 the same questions...
"Did you ever break the law?"  The truck driver says, "No." He then
asks, "Did you ever exceed the speed limit?"   Again the driver
responds, "No."  St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your
wife?"
    The truck driver thought a couple of seconds and said, "Well,
once.  You see, I was in this bar in Nebraska. I noticed they only
had one woman in it for all of the men. I asked the bartender why
this was, and he said, 'Well, she's all we need. She can suck a
golf ball through a garden hose'... so that's when I cheated on my
wife." St. Peter then told the truck driver to enter door number 1.
   The truck driver, in amazement, asks, "What?? You sent the
others to door number 3?"
   St. Peter calmly replies, "Yes, and they are going to hell. But
you and I are going to Nebraska!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 21:05:56 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Psychic domain
 
Eric had been a waiter ever since he was in high school. Now in his
fifties, he still served people their meals in the same restaurant
he loved so dearly. One day, though, Eric suffered a fatal heart
attack.
 
His grief-stricken wife, Fannie, was also a firm beiever in
spiritualism, and was certain that she would be able to talk to her
departed husband's spirit. For months she attempted to contact him
through an assorted number of psychics and spiritualists, but all
to no avail.
 
One night, while thinking it over, she realized that the reason she
had so much trouble was because his spirit would remain haunting
the place where he spent most of his time: the restaurant! She
called up the restaurant and spoke to his old boss. The man,
willing to do anything to comfort a late employee's widow, agreed
to let her stage a seance at the restaurant after closing time.
 
The night of the seance, Fannie sat at a table, clearing her mind,
and softly she spoke: "Eric, can you hear me?"
 
"Hello, Fannie. How's by you?" came the unmistakeable sound of
Eric's voice.
 
"Eric, I can barely hear you. Could you speak a little louder?"
 
"I can't speak louder. It was always bad for my heart and look what
happened when I did!"
 
"Well, can you move a little closer to me?"
 
"No, that I cannot do."
 
"Why not?"
 
"I'm sorry, but that's not my table."
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 21:05:54 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Summaries
 
By: Jeff Carrie
 
Books have been summarized for years.  What if that were applied to
other areas of life?
 
Work:
OK, I'll hold the nail and when I nod my head, you hit it with the
hammer. Thank you, your paycheque is being automatically deposited.
 
Crime:
This is just a notice to say that I've automatically withdrawn
$203.80 from your bank account.  Please knock yourself unconscious
when you have time in your schedule.
 
The Bible:
There were green alligators and long necked geese.... OH My God!
They've killed Jesus, you bastards!
 
Finnegans Wake:
 ....you can go tho' begin above
     A way a lone a last a loved
     a long the rivverrun
     when you think the book is done.....
 
Elections:
Ok, the first guy with five votes wins.
 
Monday Night Football:
We've replaced the kick-off with Kevin Butler trying to make a 52
yard field goal, and then we'll go right to the post-game show.
 
Indianapolis 500:
He turns left, whoa! he turns left again!  And there's the
checkered flag!
 
Usenet:
Me too.
 
alt.folklore.urban
I remember Craig Shergold was on the Newlywed Game and he had a
picture of his toothbrush in some guy's collection of aluminum pop
can tabs and Neiman Marcus charged Frank Zappa $250 to eat it.
 
Dave Barry Columns:
Booger
 
Jerry Springer:
Why don't we just run some pornos and see if anyone complains.
 
Seinfeld:
Hey, what's the deal with those little pins they stick in shirts?
 
American Pie:
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry.
 
Family Circus:
Mommy, Billy's been in the bathroom with your Cosmopolitan for 15
minutes now.
 
Home Shopping Club:
Look, just send us $1000 and we'll send you a box full of crap and
then you can go read a book or something.
 
Soap Operas:
Will Sam keep faithful to his wife Barbara, or will he fall in love
with Jasmine's evil twin now that his wife's character is being
portrayed by a completely different actress and he's getting sick
of everyone saying "Barbara" every three seconds when she walks in
the room.
 
Relationships:
Ok for every five times we sleep together that's three more of my
CDs that I won't get back when we break up.
 
Sex:
Well it was good, but it wasn't Dark Side of the Moon.
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 16:09:35 EDT
From:    Michael Gaines <HonkyTonkR@AOL.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Reasons I Should've Stayed Single
 
10. Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.
 9. I wouldnt have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with
    "those" pants.
 8. I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well
    please.
 7. I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm
    here".
 6. I'd be painting the town instead of the house.
 5. I could show my girlfriend where I live.
 4. I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
 3. The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.
 2. I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
 1. I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my
    underwear !
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 15:52:30 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: BlONde ShoPPing
 
I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout
line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me. As she placed
her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper
or plastic?" "It doesn't matter" she replied, ... "I'm bisacksual."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 20:51:49 -0500
From:    "Matthew Jeremiah 24:7 Francis" <matthew-francis@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Jobs
 
I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned.
Yeah, they put the squeeze on me... said I couldn't concentrate.
You know, same old boring rind over and over again.
 
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.
 
I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
It was a sew-sew job.
 
I used to work in a muffler factory,
until I got exhausted.
 
I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.
 
I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
 
I used to be a deli worker,
but I couldn't cut the mustard.
 
I used to be a musician,
but I wasn't noteworthy.
 
I used to be a math teacher
until I found out I had no class.
 
I used to be a doctor,
but I didn't have the patients.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Sep 1998 to 9 Sep 1998
**********************************************
 
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