HUMOR Digest - 7 Sep 1998 to 8 Sep 1998
There are 14 messages totalling 601 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. tHe AmbuSh(adult)
  2. Cultural Differences - II
  3. HERPES ! < Adult >
  4. clinton <clean>
  5. Top Ten Signs That You May Be Suffering From Depression
  6. Cheating <adult>
  7. The Manlieness Test (adult)
  8. Doggie Dictionary
  9. Engineers Rule OK?
     <probably only for Mathematicians & Engineers>
 10. TOP TEN SIGNS YOU BOUGHT THE WRONG COMPUTER
 11. Appointment ! < Adult >
 12. In The News - Humorous News Quips
 13. Court Room Testimony (fwd)
 14. Interesting News....
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Sep 1998 02:03:04 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: tHe AmbuSh(adult)
 
TJ Hooker(remember that show?) is walking down the street and
notices another man following him.  He disappears round a corner
and ambushes the guy on his tail. When the guy comes around the
corner our hero grabs him by the throat and starts interrogating
him:
 
"What are you?" he demands, "K.G.B.?"  The guy shakes his head.
 
"F.B.I.?"Again the guy shakes his head
 
After a few more futile attempts TJ gives up and screams at his
pursuer "WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?!!?"
 
To which the guy replied: I'm G. A. Y.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Sep 1998 03:44:18 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Cultural Differences - II
 
* Then there was the Israeli pilot who shot down eighteen enemy
  planes --  six with missiles, and twelve in pledges.
                             - - - - -
 
*   Two rebels in the Congo were sitting in a bar when news came of
  yet more hostilities up north.  One said, "It's a terrible war."
    The other soldier downed his beer and replied, "Yes, but it's 
  better than no war at all."
                             - - - - -
 
* President Clinton, stymied with his peace efforts in the Middle
  East told his cabinet, "I'll tell you this -- they'd be no
  trouble at all in the Middle East if the Arabs and the Jews
  started acting like the good Christians they're supposed to be."  
                             - - - - -

 
*   In Australia a kangaroo was hit by a car and rushed to a Vet.
  The next morning, the Vet was making his rounds and asked his
  assistant, "Was this 'roo brought here to die ?"
    "No Doctor." she replied. "He was brought here yesterdie." 
                             - - - - -
 
*   During the days of the British Raj, a missionary went among the
  Indians and tried to convert them to Christianity.  He explained
  how Heaven would belong to the faithful.
    One Indian said, "Your Heaven can't be all that good."  The
  missionary explained again why it would indeed be wonderful.
    The Indian replied, "Then why haven't the British taken it
  over ?"
                               - - - - -
 
*   The Parish Priest in Northern Ireland was extremely busy when
  Patrick McVey came for confession.  "Look, you IRA people are
  always in here.  You're not a problem unless you've committed
  murder since the last time.  You haven't, have you ?"
    McVey shook his head and started out.  At the door, he met
  Dennis McNulty and said, "You might as well go back home.  He's
  only hearing murder cases today."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Sep 1998 14:43:38 +0530
From:    Dilip Nathani <Dilip_Nathani@RIL.COM>
Subject: HERPES ! < Adult >
 
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor
takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out
the window.
 
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he
begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman,
"Do you know what I'm doing?"
 
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."
 
"That is right," says the doctor.
 
He then begins to fondle her breasts.
 
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
 
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."
 
"Correct," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"
 
"Yes," she says. "You're getting  HERPES ...!!!! "
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Sep 1998 10:09:49 +0100
From:    "Vandersijp_kca, Jaap" <Jaap.Vandersijp@KCA-
DRILLING.CO.UK> Subject: clinton <clean>
 
What's the odd one out in: Sikorski, Lewinsky, Monoski ?
 
Monoski - it doesn't get you up before it brings you down...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Sep 1998 09:56:08 EDT
From:    Michael Gaines <HonkyTonkR@AOL.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Signs That You May Be Suffering From Depression
 
10. You've got enough Prozac in your purse to tranquilize King
    Kong.
 9. You really lose it whenever someone says "Good morning".
 8. You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners
    convention.
 7. You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in the
    carpet.
 6. Given a choice, you'd have no preference between sex or a root
    canal.
 5. On a really bad day, you wouldnt come to the door if it was
    Publishers Clearing House.
 4. You list Dr. Kevorkian as a character reference.
 3. Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves.
 2. Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth without
    any voluntary movement.
 1. You've cried so much that your contacts have rusted to your
    eyeballs.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Sep 1998 10:10:28 -0400
From:    Badi'i <badii@CARIBSURF.COM>
Subject: Cheating <adult>
 
This guy goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders a
drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and
orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any thing you
want to talk about?"
 
The depressed man replies "Well for the last couple months, I
suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took the day off
work to follow her. When I came home for lunch, I caught her
screwing my best friend."
 
"Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking, what do
you say to your best friend in that situation?" The man replied,
"Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!!!"
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/6055
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Sep 1998 10:19:18 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Manlieness Test (adult)
 
          Please take the following Manliness Assessment...
 
 1) In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to
as:
     a) lovemaking
     b) screwing
     c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
 
 2) You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
    you've both shared:
     a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
     b) your blood-test results
     c) five tequila slammers
 
 3) You time your orgasm so that:
     a) your partner climaxes first
     b) you both climax simultaneously
     c) you don't miss SportsCenter
 
 4) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
     a) healthy, creative love-play
     b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree
to
     c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find
        out about
 
 5) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
    with is:
     a) the best part of the experience
     b) the second best part of the experience
     c) $100 extra
 
 6) Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
    month. You tell her that it is:
     a) No concern of yours
     b) not a problem, she can join your gym
     c) a conservative estimate
 
 7) You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
     a) a myth
     b) an oxymoron
     c) a moron
 
 8) Foreplay is to sex as:
     a) appetizer is to entree
     b) primer is to paint
     c) a line is to an amusement park ride
 
 9) Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
    saying at the end of a relationship?
     a) "I hope we can still be friends."
     b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
     c) "Welcome to Dumpsville;  population, YOU."

 10) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
     a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
        that sort of intimacy
     b) is uptight and a waste of time
     c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first
        place
 
                 Evaluating the results:
 
 If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
 sure you really are a man.
 
 If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're
 more than a little confused.
 
 If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Sep 1998 12:09:33 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Doggie Dictionary
 
 1. LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to
    lead your person where you want him/her to go.
 2. DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread
    in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living
    room.
 3. DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you
    don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and
    look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on
    their laps.
 4. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place
    your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and
    inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes
    you stop.
 5. GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a
    week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs
    and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right
    you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones
    to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
 6. BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to
    control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide
    behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a
    few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes,
    and you prance away.
 7. DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person
    want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include
    staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite
    direction, or lying down.
 8. THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.
    Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is
    necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling
    uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and
    following at their heels.
 9. WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes,
    and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket
    and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes
    home
10. SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it
    is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe
    your whiskers clean.
11. BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor,
    walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and 
    frequently.
12. LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !",
    especially if your person is dressed for an evening out.
    Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
13. BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are
    drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
14. GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular
    Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially
    effective when combined  with The Sniff.  See above.
15. LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and
    without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to
    wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in
    return.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Sep 1998 16:41:10 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Engineers Rule OK?
         <probably only for Mathematicians & Engineers>
 
A mathematician was giving a presentation to a group of potential
sponsers of his research activities on the subject of "Limiting
Processes and their Practical Use".
 
After a short time, it was clear to him that his audience was
completely bored by his presentation, so he decided to illustrate
his talk by holding a race across the room with a member of the
audience.
 
The prize, if the audience member won, was to take out the
mathematician's very attractive assistant for an all expenses paid
meal to a top class restaurant.
 
An engineer from the audience volunteered.
 
The mathematician said to the engineer "this is no ordinary race!
During the race you have to make distinct and separate moves across
the room but no move must greater than half the distance remaining
in the race.
 
The race was started. Without hesitation the engineer went straight
to the end of room, took the arm of the attractive assistant and
was walking out of the door with her when the mathematician said
"Wait! Don't you see that using the rules of race, it is not
possible complete the race  ?"
 
The engineer replied " A Good Approximation is Good Enough for Me
!" and left with his prize.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Sep 1998 18:04:39 -0500
From:    "Matthew 24:7 Francis" <matthew-francis@JUNO.COM>
Subject: TOP TEN SIGNS YOU BOUGHT THE WRONG COMPUTER
 
10. The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube.

 9. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame
    Computers.
 
 8. The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of
    them is marked Fast Forward.
 
 7. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes
    on street corners.
 
 6. The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they
    receive only AM.
 
 5. The ad slogan: Ronald McDonald just grew up.
 
 4. It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a
    couple of rounds of toast.
 
 3. It's labeled "energy saving" only because there's no power
    supply.
 
 2. You just got another one with your Happy Meal.
 
 1. The sticker reads "nothing of value inside."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 09:31:52 +0530
From:    Dilip Nathani <Dilip_Nathani@RIL.COM>
Subject: Appointment ! < Adult >
 
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
 
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
 
The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he
whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Sep 1998 21:20:47 -0700
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips
 
In The News - Edited Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes late night humor
 
WARNING - May be offensive to the President of the US of A, women,
Amtrak, airline baggage handlers. Includes mild language, sexual
references and drug use.
 
President Clinton recently celebrated his 52nd birthday. First Lady
Hillary Clinton and White House staffers threw a surprise party for
him. Games included 'Pin the Tail on the Special Prosecutor' and
hitting a Monica Lewinsky pinata.
 
Monica Lewinsky testified that one time the president made love to
her for one hour and five minutes. It was the night they moved the
clocks up.
 
In a special 'Nightline', Ted Koppel spent 12 hours in a federal
prison's solitary confinement ward. Apparently, he was trying to
simulate the conditions of President Clinton's vacation. (O'Brien)
 
Aides say things are a little tense when Bill and Hillary are
together. Well, you know how women can get when husbands humiliate
them in front of the entire PLANET... (Daily Scoop)
 
The FBI has finished its first tests on Monica Lewinsky's dress,
and have determined conclusively that she could have gotten it for
less at Ross.
 
Vice President Al Gore says he watched President Clinton's speech
and he's proud of him for having the courage to acknowledge his
mistakes. He also said the president should stay the hell away from
his daughters. (O'Brien)
 
Video retailers were swamped with more than 20 million requests for
copies of 'Titanic'. To keep panic at a minimum, women and children
went first.
 
Mike Tyson has withdrawn his application for a reinstated boxing
license. Obviously he bit off more than he could chew.
 
Large grocery store chains are keeping track of customer purchases
with their club and reward cards. In fact, the other day, someone
came to my house with a computer printout to show me that I wasn't
getting enough vegetables.
 
A new federal transportation law will commit $55 million to
research and develop the 'Meglev', a high speed, magnetic based
levitating train. Actually, we already have a high speed train that
travels off its tracks -it's called Amtrak.
 
The FAA says it's confident its computers will know the difference
between the year 2000 and 1900 and that passengers will arrive
safely. They do, however, recommend if you're planning to travel on
Jan. 1, 2000, you might want to hang on to your luggage.
 
450 Viagra pills were stolen from a pharmacy. Police are looking
for 3 men who are armed, dangerous and wearing baggy pants.
(O'Brien)
 
A female version of Promise Keepers, 19,000 strong, met over the
weekend. They reconfirmed their marriage vows and spoke of national
pride, then cleaned up the clutter their husbands had left behind
years earlier.
 
Panasonic's HDTV's are on sale for up to $6,000. We're supposed to
pay $6,000 for high definition TV that we can only see conventional
signals on, because no one is broadcasting in digital yet? Who came
up with this idea, Congress?
 
Andy Gump, inventor of portable toilets, has died. There was no
funeral - he didn't want people to make a big stink... (Leno)
 
I finally saw 'Saving Private Ryan' this weekend. It was a great
movie, but I think they're going to have to change the title to
'Men in Red'.
 
Sixteen year old Jonathan Taylor Thomas is leaving 'Home
Improvement' to prepare for college. Why is he doing this? Five
words: Gary Coleman, mall security guard.
 
An Ohio teen pleaded innocent to stealing his mother's credit card
to pay for a friend's breast enlargement surgery. It's a good thing
they caught him when they did, or it would have been a bigger bust.
 
A Virginia ice cream man was charged with selling marijuana to kids
from his truck. Actually, it was a great marketing ploy - after the
kids smoked the pot, they came back and bought 47 Eskimo pies.
 
Albertons is buying Lucky in an $11.7 billion deal. Shoppers are
hoping the two food giants can afford to purchase shopping carts
with wheels that go in the same direction.
 
Actor John Goodman opened his own restaurant in Louisiana. It's not
open to the public. He just wanted his own restaurant. (Leno)
 
The governor of Utah came out in defense of polygamy, saying he
believes men who have multiple wives are covered by the First
Amendment's right to free speech. Really? I know guys with *one*
wife who don't have the right to speak freely.
 
And finally, I saw this great new recipe on Leno: It consists of
cow tongue, bacon and a flank steak. It's called 'Lick My Greasy
Ass".
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Sep 1998 21:47:07 -0700
From:    Susan Birkenseer <sbirkens@WAHOO.SJSU.EDU>
Subject: Court Room Testimony (fwd)
 
Forwarded from a friend from I don't know where
 
Actual Court testimony
Actual word for word quotes from the witness stand:
 
Q:  What is your date of birth?
A:  July fifteenth.
Q:  What year?
A:  Every year.
 
Q:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 
Q:  How old is your son-the one living with you.
A:  Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q:  How long has he lived with you?
A:  Forty-five years.
 
Q:  What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
    that morning?
A:  He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q:  And why did that upset you?
A:  My name is Susan.
 
Q:  And where was the location of the accident?
A:  Approximately milepost 499.
Q:  And where is milepost 499?
A:  Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
 
Q:  Sir, what is your IQ?
A:  Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
 
Q:  Did you blow your horn or anything?
A:  After the accident?
Q:  Before the accident.
A:  Sure, I played for ten years.  I even went to school for it.
 
Q:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
    voodoo or occult?
A:  We both do.
Q:  Voodoo?
A:  We do.
Q:  You do?
A:  Yes, voodoo.
 
Q:  Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
    lights flashing?
A:  Yes.
Q:  Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A:  Yes, sir.
Q:  What did she say?
A:  What disco am I at?
 
Q:  You were not shot in the fracas?
A:  No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
 
Q:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?
A:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Tue, 8 Sep 1998 00:53:52 +0000
From:    Jack Shea <jshumor@BERK.COM>
Subject: Interesting News....
 
In the Today section of the August 20, 1998 issue of Dallas Morning
News, there is a column about bill collectors and pawn shops.

The columnist is named Ben Dover.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Sep 1998 to 8 Sep 1998
**********************************************
 
