HUMOR Digest - 6 Sep 1998 to 7 Sep 1998
There are 13 messages totalling 566 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Playing Golf (Adult Theme)
  2. Cultural Differences <some adult humor>
  3. Sad News
  4. A Unique Occupation (adult)
  5. Blonde Jokes <adult; offensive to blondes>
  6. The Value of Roof Preading
  7. Lawyers and engineers
  8. (no subject)
  9. Top Ten Signs That Your Husband Doesnt Love You Anymore
 10. A little list of "Doc-isms" (Part 2 of 2)
 11. DoctOr on caLL(adult)
 12. Special fencing  <raunchy humor, adult themes>
 13. NO MILK ! < Adult >
 
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Date:    Sun, 6 Sep 1998 10:02:37 +0400
From:    rufus <rufus@GOLDENSUN.COM>
Subject: Playing Golf (Adult Theme)
 
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!"
 
"Well, what should I do?"asks the man.
 
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast.
 
"The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hitsthe ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife
with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
 
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too
hard."
 
"What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like
you'd hold your husband's penis."
 
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway... about 15 ft. 
 
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your
mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
 
------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 6 Sep 1998 03:59:50 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Cultural Differences <some adult humor>
 
* Q: What is an Israeli sea captain called ?
  A: Yom Skipper
                               - - - - -
 
* In some sections of Miami, Cuban tuffs never ask the tourists
  what time it is -- they just take their watches.
                               - - - - -
 
*   The Englishman's paramour told him she was pregnant, and said,
  "If you do not marry me, I shall kill myself."
    "Oh I say !" replied her lover, "You really are a decent sort." 
 
                               - - - - -
 
* The people of Jamaica are proud of their heritage of mixed blood.
  The other week, there was a race riot in Kingston, and the
  majority of the crowd couldn't figure out who to scream at.
                               - - - - - 
 
* A friend of mine, a young Chinese girl, recently opened a
  restaurant in Columbia.  I asked her what she thought of Red
  China.  She said, "You have to have the right tablecloth."
                               - - - - -
 
* An Arab looked at his land.  It was barren, not a drop of water
  or even a cloud in sight. "Allah is good. Allah is great." he
  intoned. "But Allah doesn't know a damn thing about farming."
                               - - - - -
 
* Large cities such as New York may be "melting pots", but some of
  the inhabitants still remain a lil' tuff.  Two Puerto Ricans
  robbed a bank and were mugged by a group of Russian Mafia on the
  way to their get-away car.
                               - - - - -
 
* A woman slipped over the edge of her balcony and landed
  unconscious on the grass below.  A passing Frenchman commented,
  "Such sottise.  Zese Americans are so extravagant.  She was
  probably good for another year or two."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Sep 1998 09:22:18 -0400
From:    Lee_Bradley <lbradley@VALDOSTA.EDU>
Subject: Sad News
 
It's always difficult to bring sad news, but you should know...
 
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world.
The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping
the body in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and ...
well, you know the rest.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Sep 1998 10:33:14 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: A Unique Occupation (adult)
 
   Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.
Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob
pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal, alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said,
"You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"
   Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over  55?" "93mph
son! 93mph in a 55 zone!" "But if you already knew," replied Bob,
"Why did you ask me?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his
normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket
and a fine!"
   The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even
look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy
in my entire life!" Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good,
well paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell
of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a
bum like you have?!?"
   "I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob. "What you say,
BOY?!?" asked the patrolman. "I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" Of
course the cop asked, "What does an asshole stretcher do?" Bob
explained, "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so
I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple
more and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther
and farther apart until it's six feet across."
   The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his
guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
   Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and
stick it at the end of a bridge!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Sep 1998 09:24:37 -0400
From:    Badi'i <badii@CARIBSURF.COM>
Subject: Blonde Jokes <adult; offensive to blondes>
 
- What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
  You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball!
 
- What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
  It costs $.25 to use a telephone!
 
- What's the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of
  York
  The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 20 men.
 
- How do you drown a blonde?
  Don't tell her to swallow.
 
- Boyfriend: "Why do you never scream my name when you come?"
  Blonde: "Because you're never there when it happens."
 
- How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
  The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
 
- How does a blonde moonwalk?
  She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor.
 
- Why do blondes find it difficult to get married?
  Because men don't have to marry them for sex.
 
- Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once every
  month?
  Because it says on the package "Good for up to 30 lbs."
 
- How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
  By throwing it off of a cliff.
 
- How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
  By drowning it.
 
- Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
  puzzle in only six months?
  Because on the box it said 'From 2-4 Years.'
 
- How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
  Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
 
- Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
  Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
 
- What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
  The blonde.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Sep 1998 16:21:11 -0500
From:    "Matthew 24:7 Francis" <matthew-francis@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Value of Roof Preading
 
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT - Do not turn upside down.
                             (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
 
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after
                                   heating
 
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body
 
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate 
                                     machinery
 
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness
 
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning: keep out of children
 
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS - For indoor or
                                               outdoor use only.
 
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR - Not to be used for the other use.
 
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts
 
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, 
 
                                         eat nuts.
 
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your
                        hands.
 
ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS - Why not try tossing over your
                                 favorite breakfast cereal?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Sep 1998 11:17:08 -0400
From:    "Alan G. Rosenberg" <arosenb@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Lawyers and engineers
 
   Three lawyers & three engineers are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and
watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.  "How are
three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
   "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.  They all board
the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three
engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
   Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.  He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
   The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.  So
after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money (recognizing the engineers'
superior intellect).
   When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a
ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says
one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom
and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
   The train departs.  Shortly afterward, one of the engineers
leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the
lawyers are hiding.  He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket,
please."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Sep 1998 18:44:43 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: (no subject)
 
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her
right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other.
"He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go
along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a
honeymoon to a very nice resort.  So one morning they were lying by
the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10
Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by
a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out
and cut the water like a knife.
 
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the
towel. She said, "That was incredible!"  He said, "I used to be an
Olympic diving champion. You see, I told  you we'd learn more about
ourselves as we went along."
 
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After
about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel
hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an
Olympic endurance swimmer?"
 
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides
of the canal...
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Sep 1998 20:38:59 EDT
From:    Michael Gaines <HonkyTonkR@AOL.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Signs That Your Husband Doesnt Love You Anymore
 
10. He brings his girlfriend to the family reunion.
 9. He says he wants everything put in his name but you.
 8. He cancels his life insurance and doubles yours.
 7. Every time you ask for sex, he says "Let me sleep on it".
 6. He buys you cruise tickets for your anniversary and says "Have
    a nice trip".
 5. While driving through town together, you notice that all the
    hookers wave at him.
 4. He suggests a threesome with his new friend "Bruce".
 3. You find lipstick on his peni....er....collar.
 2. The neighbors kids look more like him everyday.
 1. In his dresser drawer, you find a knife, a pair of gloves, and
    a receipt for membership in the O.J. Simpson fan club.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Sep 1998 20:54:26 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A little list of "Doc-isms" (Part 2 of 2)
 
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
     I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
 
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
     I think I'm going to throw up.
 
"This may smart a little."
     Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
 
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
     I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
 
"This should fix you up."
     The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this
     stuff.
 
"Everything seems to be normal."
     Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
 
"I'd like to run some more tests."
     I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can
     solve this one.
 
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
     You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a
     shrink who'll split fees with me ...
 
"There is a lot of that going around."
     My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn
     something about this.
 
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
     I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off
     next week.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Sep 1998 20:06:52 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: DoctOr on caLL(adult)
 
A doctor's phone rang at home at three o'clock in the morning.
Sleepily he answered "Hello?"
 
A very frantic woman said, "Doctor, our baby just swallowed a
condom."
 
The Doctor said, "Take him to the hospital and I'll meet you in ten
minutes."  He started putting on his clothes and was just getting
ready to walk out the door, when the phone rang again. He answered
"Hello?"
 
A very calm voice on the other end of the line said, "That's
alright Doctor, never mind - we found another one."
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Delta/9989/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Sep 1998 22:18:33 EDT
From:    J R S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Special fencing  <raunchy humor, adult themes>
 
     A man walked into the drugstore and shyly asked the pretty
girl working there if he could buy some condoms. Seeing his
discomfort, the girl  decided to have some fun. She asked what size
he needed. He said he didn't really know. So the girl said they
come in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence
outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and
put his tool to the test.
     When he went outside, the girl snuck around the fence, when
he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him
a handjob.  When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him
oral sex.  When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her
pants down and she took him inside herself.
     When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He
walked up and she asked, "So, what size do you need?"  He answered,
"I've decided not to buy any condoms; but I will take 8 feet of
that fence!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Mon, 7 Sep 1998 09:58:59 +0530
From:    Dilip Nathani <Dilip_Nathani@RIL.COM>
Subject: NO MILK ! < Adult >
 
The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant.
"Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of
gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."
 
The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the lady's
breasts.  He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began
powerfully sucking on one nipple.
 
"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing
 weight, you haven't any milk!"
 
"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my
 sister's!"
 
------------------------------

 
End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Sep 1998 to 7 Sep 1998
**********************************************
 
