HUMOR Digest - 5 Sep 1998 to 6 Sep 1998
There are 12 messages totalling 679 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Steven Wright Quotes
  2. Top5 - 9/4/98 - Reasons You Can't Find a Job
  3. Power of paper < Adult Theme >
  4. If my dogs name was Mypenis...<adult>
  5. More ways to tell a redneck has been using a computer
     <offensive to rednecks>
  6. Windows 2000 Error Messages
  7. Where's the BC????
  8. Poopie Dictionary
  9. A little list of "Doc-isms" (Part 1 of 2)
 10. Nice Lighter!
 11. HYmNs(adult)
 12. How to Impress Your Lover (clean)
 
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Date:    Sat, 5 Sep 1998 03:58:50 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Steven Wright Quotes
 
A Ms Jenni Spinner wrote and said she enjoys comedian Steven
Wright. She attached the one-liners below and requested that I
post them.
 
                        STEVEN WRIGHT QUOTES:
 
- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour
  before getting out of the water?
- How can there be self-help "groups"?
- If white wine goes with fish,
  do white grapes go with sushi?
- If a mute swears,
  does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
- If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek,
  does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them,
  would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
- Just "before" someone gets nervous,
  do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
- When sign makers go on strike,
  is anything written on their picket signs?
- When you open a new bag of cotton balls,
  is the top one meant to be thrown away?
- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper,
  does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why do they report power outages on TV?
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night.
  They sent me a wake-up letter.
- I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby,
  I'm just having trouble breathing.
- Whenever I think of the past,
  it brings back so many memories ...
- There's a fine line between fishing &
  just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- What a nice night for an evening.
- Why, in a country of free speech,
  are there phone bills?
- My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and
  when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
  I said, "No."  She said, "Okay, then forget it."
- When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's
  Dad.  He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
  I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
 
 
http://www.sdmmag.com/bios/jenni.htm
 
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Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 5 Sep 1998 06:47:30 -0400
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 9/4/98 - Reasons You Can't Find a Job
 
     The Top 13 Reasons You're Having Trouble Finding a Job
 
13> You list "smokin' weed" as a hobby on the job application.
 
12> Instead of shaking hands, you ask them to "pull your finger."
 
11> All your answers are whispered into your ear by your sock
    puppet, "Socky."
 
10> You're not willing to risk being downsized since you're not
    so sure it really doesn't refer to your penis.
 
 9> In your zealousness to pad, you claim 10 years of Java and
    15 years of HTML.
 
 8> After your interview tantrums, so-called "Equal Opportunity
    Employers" don't seem to be buying your "Tourette's Syndrome"
    excuse.
 
 7> "Slashed co-workers with a broken coffee mug" doesn't look as
    impressive on your resume as you thought it would.
 
 6> Even though Yanni sells all those records, there's no job
    market for "masters of the pan flute."
 
 5> Small-minded employers find "alien abductions" unacceptable
    explanation for gaps in work history.
 
 4> Too much time during your interview spent discussing jihad, not
    enough on how you would perform as the new personnel counselor.
 
 3> You show up at each interview wearing an aluminum foil "just in
    case of enemy attack."
 
 2> Apparently, the high-proced-gigolo-to-daycare-worker transition
    is one of the tougher ones.
 
     and Top5's Number 1 Reason You're Having Trouble Finding
     a Job...
 
 1> Still busy looking for the real killers.
 
 
   [           This list copyright 1998 by Chris White            ]
   [  The Top 5 List   top5@gmbweb.com    http://www.topfive.com  ]
   [      To forward or repost, please include this section.      ]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 5 Sep 1998 17:01:04 +0530
From:    Dilip Nathani <Dilip_Nathani@RIL.COM>
Subject: Power of paper < Adult Theme >
 
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a
full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just
stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how
she looks.
 
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. 
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If
you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
 
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper,
and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
 
"How long will this take?" she asks.
 
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife
stops.
 
"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she
asks.
 
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 5 Sep 1998 09:10:23 -0400
From:    Badi'i <badii@CARIBSURF.COM>
Subject: If my dogs name was Mypenis...<adult>
 
- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a
  leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis is my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited
  anymore.   He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady
  next door.
- If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard
  to carry.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys. - Help! I can't 
  find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for
  Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to
  the hospital.
- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
- Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
- Stop kicking Mypenis.
- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to
  be blown.
- Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
- Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when
  standing at attention.
- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.
- There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.
- I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
 
 
http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/6055
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 5 Sep 1998 10:30:45 EDT
From:    Michael Gaines <HonkyTonkR@AOL.COM>
Subject: More ways to tell a redneck has been using a computer
         <offensive to rednecks>
 
10. Rebel flag screen-saver.
 9. Modem has been replaced with a CB radio.
 8. Spell-check refuses to function.
 7. On start-up, always boots to www.kkk.com.
 6. Chewing tobacco stains on the screen.
 5. A Dale Earnhardt sticker on the CPU.
 4. Chair mounted to a pedestal from a bass boat.
 3. All out-going e-mail signed with "X".
 2. Rabbit ears on the monitor.
 1. ATM card stuck in the floppy drive.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 5 Sep 1998 10:16:32 -0500
From:    "Matthew 24:7 Francis" <matthew-francis@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Windows 2000 Error Messages
 
                  Windows 2000 Error Messages
 
The following are new Windows 2000 error messages that are under
consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
 
 1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

 2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
 3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
 4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
 5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
    game?
 6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
 7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please 
    log off."
 8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
 9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any
    key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16. User Error: Replace user.
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
    have been deleted. The police are on the way.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 5 Sep 1998 11:18:08 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Where's the BC????
 
There was a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and
elegant, especially in language. She and he husband were planning a
week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and asked
for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully
equipped but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities.
She just could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her
letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term
"bathroom commode". But after writing that down, she still thought
she was being too forward so she rewrote the entire letter and
referred to the "bathroom commode" merely as the "BC". "Does the
campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
 
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he
got the letter, he just couldn't figure what the woman was talking
about.  That "BC" business really stumped him. He showed the letter
to several couples, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant
either. So the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that
the lady must be asking about the location of the nearest Baptist
Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
 
 
 DEAR MADAM,
 
I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the
pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the
campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is
located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and
Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the
habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know
that many people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They
usually arrive early and stay late.
 
My daughter met her husband in the BC. Sometimes it is so crowded
there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know that right
now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats.
They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains me
very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is surely not
due to a lack of desire on my part.  As we grow older, it seems to
be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide
to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first
time you go and sit with you and introduce you to all the other
folks. We will be sure to get a seat up front where you can be seen
by everyone. Remember, we are a friendly community.
 
 Sincerely, the Campground Owner.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 5 Sep 1998 12:11:57 EDT
From:    Jen S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Poopie Dictionary
 
>>>>Joke Category = Murphy's Law -- Rating = PG
 
                   POOPIE
                 ----------
 
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopiecome out, but there
is no poopie in the toilet.
 
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the
toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.
 
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still
feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your
butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
 
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and
you've pulled your pants up toyour knees, and you realize that you
have to poopie some more.
 
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-POOPIE: The kind where you strain so
much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
 
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're
afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with
the toilet brush.
 
GASSEY POOPIE: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.
 
DRINKER POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a
night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on
the bottom of the toilet.
 
CORN POOPIE: (Self-explanatory)
 
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE-POOPIE: The kind where you want to
poopie, but all you do is set on the toilet and fart a few times.
 
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd
swear it was leaving you sideways.
 
WET CHEEKS POOPIE: (The Power Dump). The kind that comes out of
your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
 
LIQUID POOPIE: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of
your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
 
MEXICAN POOPIE: It smells so badly your nose burns.
 
UPPER CLASS POOPIE: The kind of poopie that has no odor.
 
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You are not at the toilet because you think
you are about to fart but... oops... a POOPIE!!!
 
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet
even though you know you are done poopie-ing it. You just pray that
a shake or two will cut it loose.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 5 Sep 1998 12:40:50 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: A little list of "Doc-isms" (Part 1 of 2)
 
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
 
 
"This should be taken care of right away."
     I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy
     and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
 
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
     He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
 
"Let me check your medical history."
     I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
     anymore time with you.
 
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
     I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
                            --or--
     I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office
     visit.
 
"We have some good news and some bad news."
     The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.
     The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
 
"Let's see how it develops."
     Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be 
     cured.
 
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
     I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
 
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
     He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
 
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
     I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea
     pig.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 5 Sep 1998 13:43:52 EDT
From:    Jen S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Nice Lighter!
 
        Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I
sure do," he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out
a 12-inch Bic lighter.
        "Wow!" said his friend, "where did get you that monster?"
"I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yeah, he's
right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf
bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of
your master,  will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie
said. So he asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back
into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his
million bucks. Suddenly  the sky begins to darken and the sound of
a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
         The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a
million bucks not ducks!"  He answers, "I forgot to tell you the
genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12
inch Bic?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 5 Sep 1998 14:59:06 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: HYmNs(adult)
 
The preacher said that, for a change, he would call out a word and
anyone who could think of a hymn that involved that word, just
start singing and we will all join in.
 
He called out WOOD...and in just a second 10 people started singing
The "Old Rugged Cross."
 
He called out LOVE, and a little 6 year old started singing "Jesus
Loves me."
 
He then called out SEX.  Not a sound.
 
Again he called out SEX. A little old lady in the back row suddenly
stood up and started singing, "Precious Memories."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sun, 6 Sep 1998 00:46:09 -0400
From:    "William E. Grover" <g7718769@IDT.NET>
Subject: How to Impress Your Lover (clean)
 
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
1) Compliment her.        6) Cuddle her.
2) Kiss her.              7) Caress her.
3) Love her.              8) Comfort her.
4) Protect her.           9) Listen to her.
5) Care for her.         10) Go to the ends of the earth for her.
 
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
1) Show up naked.
2) Bring beer.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Sep 1998 to 6 Sep 1998
**********************************************
 
