HUMOR Digest - 4 Sep 1998 to 5 Sep 1998
There are 16 messages totalling 604 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. Golf
  2. free drink <slightly off>
  3. <HUMOR> If you can't believe in Duct Tape...
  4. Gay Q&A <adult, off. to homo's>
  5. Grannies on the road
  6. How to Succeed
  7. Humor - Weird Business News #7 (3 of 3)
  8. Bear Salvation
  9. Marrying Man (Pun)
 10. Indian Names <sexual innuendo>
 11. Differences Between You And Your Boss
 12. Trids
 13. No DHMO
 14. From Where???
 15. Wrong number
 16. Adult (Humor)
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 03:23:18 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Golf
 
* I have a friend who really needs some serious psychological help.
  The guy treats golf as if it were just a game.
                                - - - - -
 
* As the pro had told him, he kept his head down addressing the
  ball.  While he was keeping his head down, somebody stole his
  golf clubs.
                                - - - - -
 
* After years of trying, I finally got a hole in one.  Now I'm
  going nuts trying to figure out how to mount it for display.
                                - - - - -
 
* Another friend of mine, Dan is as avid a golfer as you'd ever
  want to meet.  Following a day of golf with him, I asked how he
  liked my game.  "It's OK, I guess." he replied. "But personally,
  I like golf much better."
                                - - - - -
 
*   Sitting at the bar in the clubhouse I told Dan that that was
  the last time I was ever going to play golf with Richard.  I went
  on to explain that he had lost his ball and found it two feet
  from the cup. "Well, Jimmy, be fair now." Dan replied. "While
  that is unlikely, it's at least possible."
    "No it wasn't !" I maintained. "I had the ball in my pocket."
                                - - - - -
 
*   I was once in a foursome with my Minister.  I'm afraid I forgot
  myself and let loose with some profanity after missing an easy
  shot.  "Jimmy," he said, "I've played golf with some of the
  finest men in our congregation. Last week, Mr. Nicholas went for
  six under par on this very course.  I didn't hear one word of
  profanity from him."  Still upset, I replied, "Well Pastor, what
  the hell did he have to cuss about ?"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:53:19 +0100
From:    "Vandersijp_kca, Jaap" <Jaap.Vandersijp@KCA-
DRILLING.CO.UK> Subject: free drink <slightly off>
 
Two stockbrokers, completely bankrupted by the latest slide of Wall
Street, want to drink away their sorrows. With only 2 dollars
between them,  they are thinking of a plan. 'I've got it! says one:
'What we'll do is buy a cheap sausage at the butcher. Then we go
into a expensive bar, order some drinks, and then when we've
finished, I'll hang the sausage out of my fly, while you suck it.
They'll throw us out, and we can go to the next place without
paying!'
 
So off they go, get a sausage, into the first bar, few beers, out
on their ass, into the next, and so on. Late that night they get
hungry. 'Could do with something to eat.' 'Yeah. Hey, let's have
that sausage, that should fill us up.' 'Nah, I ate it three, four
pubs ago...'
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:01:28 -0400
From:    Jim Mica <jmica@ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: <HUMOR> If you can't believe in Duct Tape...
 
   We are all familiar with the way modern science produces
contradictory results about important matters.  You know where of I
speak: one week a study says that we should eat tons of bladabla
daily to prevent inflamation of the bongo nerve, the next we learn
that bladabla causes myopia in laboratory aphids and should be
avoided by anyone who wants to maintain a functioning blammodammo
gland beyond their 15th birthday. I think we've all gotten used to
this.  Now, however, comes something really unsettling!
 
   This week's TIME magazine (dated Sept. 7) reports that DUCT TAPE
is not good for sealing DUCTS!  I saw the quote right there in the
front-end section of the magazine.
 
   "It failed reliably and often quite catastrophically."
    -- Max Sherman
 
   What are we to make of this?  Will Sherman be challenged by the
Duct Tape Council?  Is it possible he's just not a 'guy' and can't
use the stuff?  Will there be further tests?  Is it a result of
Clinton's lack of moral fiber?  Will the Dilemmacrats blame it on
the Repelicans?
 
   Ontological foundations are shaking all around us.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 09:53:15 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Gay Q&A <adult, off. to homo's>
 
(via Dvlwitch)
 
Q:  What do you call 2 gay guys named Bob?
A:  Oral Roberts.
      -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q:  What do you call a Jewish Homosexual?
A:  Heblew.
      -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q:  What do you call a gay in a wheelchair?
A:  Rolaids.
      -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q:  What do you call a gay Eskimo woman?
A:  Klondike
      -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q:  What do you call a gay Indian?
A:  Brave fucker.
      -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q:  What do you call a gay dentist?
A:  A Tooth Fairy.
      -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q:  What do you call two Irish gays?
A:  Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick.
      -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: What do you call a sleeping bag in San Francisco?
A:  Fruit roll up.
      -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q:  What kind of license do lesbians need?
A:  A licker license.
      -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
            Other Q & A.......
 
Q: How can you tell that your wife is old?
A: When you can suck her tits and lick her clit
     with a simple turn of the head.
     =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Q: Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank
       than at the Blood Bank?
A: Sperm is handmade.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:58:53 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Grannies on the road
 
  Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers,A State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22
MPH.  He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
  Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -
two in the front seat and three in the back; wide eyed and white
as ghosts.  The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer,
I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems
to be the problem?"
  "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a
danger to other drivers."
  "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.
  The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to
her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.  A bit
embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing
out her error.
  "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in
this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't
muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
  "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off
Route 119."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:40:05 -0500
From:    Humor <webmaster@BESTOFHUMOR.COM>
Subject: How to Succeed
 
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
   People with documents in their hands look like hardworking
   employees heading for important meetings.  People with nothing
   in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.
   People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're
   heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads
   of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false
   impression that you work longer hours than you do.
 
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it
   looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive
   personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a
   blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These
   aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the
   computer revolution expected but they're not bad either.  When
   you get caught by your boss --and you will get caught--your best
   defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new
   software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a
   loafer, you're a self-starter.  Offer to show your boss what you
   learned.  That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened
   salamander.
 
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For
   the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough.
   Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.  To the
   observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's
   volume that counts. Pile them high and wide.  If you know
   somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll
   need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when
   he/she arrives.
 
4. Voice mail.  Never answer your phone if you have voice mail.
   People don't call you just because they want to give you
   something for nothing--they call because they want YOU to do
   work for THEM.  That's no way to live.  Screen all your calls
   through voice mail.  If somebody leaves a voice mail message for
   you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch
   hour.  That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even
   though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ
   the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls
   when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that
   they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve
   you.
 
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my
last message. I took care of it."  If your voice mailbox has a
limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach
that limit frequently.  One way to do that is to never erase any
incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few
messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says,
Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a
hardworking employee in high demand.
 
 
http://www.bestofhumor.com
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 10:43:25 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #7 (3 of 3)
 
Copied from Houston Chronicle collumnist Jim Barlow:
 
                       Rodents keeping cool.
 
Our Cheerful News of the Month comes from d-Con -- the folks who
make the rodent killer. They warn in a news release, "The recent
heatwave in the Southwest is ... sending rodents indoors to escape
the high temperatures and humidity."
 
Best Business Book Title. Teaching Chipmunks to Dance: the
Business Leaders' Guide to Making the Distributed Enterprise Year
2000 Compliant, by Chris Jesse.
 
The What Is This World Coming To award to a survey by Student
Monitor Web site, which found that surfing the Internet has
replaced beer drinking as the No. 1 pastime on college campuses.
 
The Least Startling Survey award to Women's Day magazine, which
questioned a cross-section of American women ages 25 to 54 on their
favorite fun activity. Of the top 10 activities chosen, sex ranked
10th.
 
And in a related matter, the third annual Wrinkle Report survey of
201 dematologists found that 30-and-over women seeking treatment
and advice want to look better for themselves. By contrast, men of
the same age seek such treatment because they want to look better
for the opposite sex.
 
The Scorched Palate Award to Eddy Raven's Mexi-Cajun Gourmet
Sauce, the first place winner in the 2nd annual Texas Fiery Food
Show in Austin, beating out 2,000 other hot sauces.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 11:50:25 EDT
From:    Jen S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Bear Salvation
 
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to
the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a
perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him
and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it,
his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and
breaking both his legs.
 
That was the good news.
 
The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a
distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed,
"I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and
hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish... Please make a
Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
 
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees,
clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the
preacher's feet. "Dear God" the bear said, "Bless this food I am
about to receive..."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 09:08:50 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Marrying Man (Pun)
 
Once upon a time, there was a man who married in his youth the most
perfect woman for him. She was beautiful, charming, witty,
independent, sexy and she loved her husband dearly. It caused him
the utmost grief when she died not long after their marriage, and
he mourned her for many years.
 
In time he overcame his grief and married again, but this woman was
pretty only because of the volumes of makeup she wore, was witty
only in a painfully sarcastic way, was independent only because she
could find no one to be dependent on, was never sexy, and if she
loved her husband, it was in the most twisted fashion imaginable.
He soon regretted his decision to marry again, and booted the
nagging witch as quickly as possible.
 
After more time, the man eventually found another woman who was at
least the equal to his first wife, if not better. He was in luck,
she did not die, nor did she prove a Harpy after the vows were
made, and they lived many happy years and had several children. It
did not take him long, in fact, to get over what had proven to be
... a very brief mid-wife crisis.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 16:04:27 EDT
From:    Jen S <talkloud@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Indian Names <sexual innuendo>
 
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on
his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him because he was conceived during a mighty storm.
 
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"  She replied,
"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
 
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We
were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
 
Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber why
are you so curious?"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 16:51:28 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Differences Between You And Your Boss
 
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
 
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
 
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your
     authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
 
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
 
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
 
When you please your boss, you're ass-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.
 
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
 
When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken
     bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.
 
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
 
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked. 
 
(Thanks to Mary Campbell)
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 15:53:46 -0500
From:    "Matthew 24:7 Francis" <matthew-francis@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Trids
 
There once was a village and all of the people that lived there
were called Trids.  They were very short people about 2 feet tall.
And a Giant lived there too and everyday he would come around and
kick them. A Rabbi heard about this and decided to go see him.  He
was very nervous about meeting him.  He got there and the Giant
invited him in for lunch. They had a nice conversation.  The Rabbi
then told him of his nervousness.  How he had heard about him
kicking the Trids.  He thought the Giant might hurt him. The Giant
said,  "Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids.
 
(original)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 15:52:48 -0500
From:    "Matthew 24:7 Francis" <matthew-francis@JUNO.COM>
Subject: No DHMO
 
          BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE!
            THE INVISIBLE KILLER
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, and tasteless, and
kills uncounted thousands of people every year.  Most of these
deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers
of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.  Prolonged exposure to its
solid form causes severe sweating and tissue damage.  Symptoms of
DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and
possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte
imbalance.  For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal
means certain death.
 
Dihydrogen monoxide:
         * is the major component of acid rain.
         * contributes to the "greenhouse effect".
         * may cause severe burns.
         * contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
         * accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
         * may cause electrical failures and decreased
           effectiveness of automobile brakes.
         * has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer
           patients.
 
CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS
 
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every
stream, lake, and reservoir in America today.  But the pollution is
global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice.
In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars in
property damage.
 
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
         * as an industrial solvent and coolant.
         * in nuclear power plants.
         * in the production of Styrofoam.
         * as a fire retardant.
         * in many forms of cruel animal research.
         * in the distribution of pesticides.  Even after washing,
           produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
         * as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food
           products.
 
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing
can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal.  The
impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it
any longer!
 
THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED
 
The American government has refused to ban the production,
distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its
"importance to the economic health of this nation."  In fact, the
navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments
with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control
and utilize it during warfare situations.  Hundreds of military
research facilities receive tons of it through a highly
sophisticated underground distribution network.  Many store large
quantities for later use.
 
IT'S NOT TOO LATE
 
Act NOW to prevent further contamination.  Find out more about this
dangerous chemical.  What you don't know CAN hurt you and others
throughout the world.  Send e-mail to no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE
to:         Coalition to Ban DHMO
            211 Pearl St.
            Santa Cruz, CA 95060
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 21:40:30 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: From Where???
 
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his
own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and
WHACK! knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The
big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy
thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking
again when all of a sudden WHACK! the big guy knocks him down AGAIN
and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has
had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly
leaves.
 
The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without
saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and Bong!" bangs
the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold! The little guy
looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that
was a crowbar from K-Mart."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 5 Sep 1998 09:26:23 +0530
From:    Dilip Nathani <Dilip_Nathani@RIL.COM>
Subject: Wrong number
 
A new recruit wanted to have a cup of  tea. So he dialed the number
of the pantry but got the wrong one.  When someone picked the phone
he said "Please send me a cup of tea."
 
"Do you know whom you are talking to ?" the other side asked.
 
"No." he replied.
 
"You are talking to the director of this company." the other side
replied.
 
Then our friend asked. "Do you know who is talking on this side ?"
 
"No" the other side replied.
 
"Thanks". And he put the phone down.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Sat, 5 Sep 1998 08:53:24 +0400
From:    rufus <rufus@GOLDENSUN.COM>
Subject: Adult (Humor)
 
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him
with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to." she
whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
 
"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room.
 
"Oh, it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought one for  their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one
for us, too." No more was said about the "statue".
 
Later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning
the husband got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned
with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he said to the
'statue'. "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three
days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Sep 1998 to 5 Sep 1998
**********************************************
 
