HUMOR Digest - 3 Sep 1998 to 4 Sep 1998
There are 20 messages totalling 808 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. TAIWANESE (Adult)
  2. Drug Combination (Pun)] (2)
  3. Doctor - Patient
  4. Things Men Need To Know
  5. Ironing shirts
  6. Two groaners <clean, but real groaners>
  7. Really silly joke:
  8. Johnny Cochran's Top 10 Closing Arguments for Bill Clinton's
     Impeachment Hearing
  9. Humor: Still more Clinton/Lewinski <sexual>
 10. The History of Medicine
 11. Dennis Miller on Relationships...(adult language)
 12. Ethnic Jokes <adult, offensive>
 13. BRady bunCH paRodY(Adult)
 14. Stand and deliver
 15. Humor - Weird Business News #7 (2 of 3)
 16. Mostly cynical observations about current events & life
 17. Spielberg Movie (Pun)
 18. The Old Man and the Jar (risque)
 19. On Commuting <cleanish..>
 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 11:13:14 +0400
From:    rufus <rufus@GOLDENSUN.COM>
Subject: TAIWANESE (Adult)
 
The beautiful Executive Assistant to the president of the Chase
Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich
Taiwanese client. The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry
him.  Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.  However, she
remembers what her boss told her, "don't reject the guy outright."
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from
wanting to marry her.
 
After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry
you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be
a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."
The Taiwanese man pauses for a while.  Then, he nods his head and
says "No problem!! I buy. I buy."
 
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to
the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As
a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best
wine country in France."  The man pauses for awhile. He whips out
his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls
some brokers in France.  He looks at the woman, nods his head and
says, "Okay, okay.  I build, I build."
 
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that
she'd better make this a good one. She  takes her time to think and
finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints
her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,  "Since I like
to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."
 
The man got very disturbed.  He cups his face with his hands and
rests his elbows on the table.  All the while, he's muttering
something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the
man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "Okay,
okay,........I cut. I cut."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 00:16:22 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Drug Combination (Pun)]
 
It has come to the attention of researchers that a previously
unanticipated reaction results when Viagara is taken along with
Ex-Lax. Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects
of the other.
 
The end result is that you end up both coming & going at the same
time.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 00:16:22 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Drug Combination (Pun)]
 
     [Duplicate mailing deleted for Archival Purposes]
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 03:35:38 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Doctor - Patient
 
*  Doctor: "You're coughing easier today."
  Patient: "No wonder.  I practiced all night."
                                - - - - -
 
* A doctor told a woman patient well into her 70's to get
  undressed.   "OK, I'll do it, but I want to warn you, you're
  playing with fire."
                                - - - - -
 
*    Doctor: "Mrs Klien, I'm afraid your husband can never work
              again."
  Mrs Klien: "I'll tell him.  That'll cheer him up for
              sure !"
                                - - - - -
 
* A new patient was being examined by a doctor.  According to her
  husband, she seemed to be suffering from amnesia.  The doctor
  asked, "Have you ever had this before ?"
                                - - - - -
 
* I guess once a lawyer always a lawyer.  The doctor broke the sad
  news to his lawyer patient that the man had approximately 3
  months to live.  The lawyer pondered a moment and asked,
  "Consecutively ?"
                                - - - - -
 
* One of the side benefits of the reunification of Germany was that
  for German Measles prior to their reuniting, doctors always had
  to give their patients two shots -- East and West.
                                - - - - -
 
*   A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I
  don't like the looks of your wife at all."
    "Me either doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and
  really good with the kids."
                                - - - - -
 
*   A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was
 examined by a doctor.  After checking the chart, he nodded and
 wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.  The man
 asked, "How often do I take these."
    "Let's start off with once every six hours.  But they're not
 for you." replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 08:17:59 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Things Men Need To Know
 
 1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is
    because WE actually CHANGE our underwear.
 
 2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in
    combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at
    the toilet bowl.
 
 3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're
    watching because of the butts.
 
 4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on
    your payday.
 
 5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say
    after the movie.
 
 6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than
    once a day.
 
 7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
 
 8.  Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
 
 9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number
    of baths that you take.
 
10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't
    ask in bed.
 
11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the
    number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.
 
12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of
    "who's easy?"
 
13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay:
    WE DON'T CARE!
 
14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life:
    You'll never see the island coming.
 
15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
 
16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond
    that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
 
17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 08:55:12 -0500
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@LATTE.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Ironing shirts
 
I sent the posting of the Poem by Shel Silverstein about doing the
dishes to a colleague and she responded with this about ironing
shirts.
 
> Good idea...   I had a neighbor many years ago who decided when
> she got married, she did not want to have to iron her husband's
> shirts. So, when the first one was presented to her for her care,
> she simply put the hot iron down right in the middle of the back
> of the shirt. And left it until it smoldered ever so slightly.
> Cissie didn't have to do shirts after that.
 
------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 16:02:15 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Two groaners <clean, but real groaners>
 
Q. What is a Freudian slip?
A. A Freudian slip is when you say something but mean a mother.
 
Q. Why did Robin Hood rob the rich?
A. Because the poor have no money.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 15:19:10 +0100
From:    Nik Makepeace <psuol@CSV.WARWICK.AC.UK>
Subject: Really silly joke:
 
Two chocolate biscuits are walking down the road, when one
chocolate biscuit says to the other chocolate biscuit, "Where do
you live?"  The other says, "I'm not telling you; you might steal
my washing!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 10:31:51 -0400
From:    Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: Johnny Cochran's Top 10 Closing Arguments for
         Bill Clinton's Impeachment Hearing
 
 10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess
  9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
  8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
  7. If she is not spread eagle, than it is not illegal
  6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
  5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
  4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life
  3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
  2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
 
       And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:
 
  1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 10:17:34 -0500
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor: Still more Clinton/Lewinski <sexual>
 
>From a friend through Bonnie Caley:
 
What do Monica Lewinski and soda machines have in common?
Both have slots which say 'Insert Bill Here.'
 
What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinski answer?
Be a White House intern and get a taste of the Presidency!
 
There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.
It will have a 6 inch hard drive, but no memory.
 
Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance.
"She's got the whitest teeth I've ever come across."
 
What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
A screw driver turns in screws while Clinton screws interns.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 11:35:32 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: The History of Medicine
 
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
 
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
 
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
 
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
 
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
 
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore.
            Here, eat this root.
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 14:21:03 EDT
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dennis Miller on Relationships...(adult language)
 
DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO WOMEN ON WHAT MEN WANT:

 "I know the myth is that men want:
 
 Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel
around the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the
children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick
when we're sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come
home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of
Sophia Loren in  'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of
Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because
we don't want to feel too threatened.
 
 So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality?  Well,
first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away
from the magazine.  Now go to the window and take a deep breath.
You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick
Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex."  Trick me?  How about asking me?
And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what
Tex-Mex is, okay?!
 
 All right, I'm not supposed to do this.  I'm not supposed to
reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell;
here goes:
 
Here's what men want from women.  One through Ten:

 1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about
    clothes, all right?  Yours OR ours.  All we need is one pair of
    tennies and one  pair of church shoes.  That's it.
 2. Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right?  Very
    simple: Television is off, we talk.  Television is on, we
    don't.
 3. When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get
    aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and
    expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over
    swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right?
 4. Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the
    fifty-seventh time?
 5. Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think,
    "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass."
 6. You go see Nell by yourself, all right?  I met enough chicks
    like that at "The Drink" when I was single.
 7. Have a sense of humor.  Without a sense of humor, a
    relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther
    meeting.
 8. Work out your job-related anger before we have sex.  Just
    because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the CUP of lima
    bean consomme instead of the BOWL of lima bean consomme from
    Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn
    groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?
 9. Don't ask us to cry.  As much as you say you want us to cry,
    you don't really want us to cry.  You hate it when we cry.
    I've tried crying in front of my wife.  She enjoyed it for
    about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the
    fuck did I marry this hamster?"
10. Be patient.  Hold us.  Love us unconditionally.  Help us out of
    this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the
    light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy
    blowjob once in a while?
 
 DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT:
 
 "Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....
  some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros
  from a man.  Let's see, the myth is that women want:
 
 Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt 
 around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're
 sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends
 of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it
 all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.
 
 Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or
 she'll never find stability.  Hey, I've got news for you, ladies:
 looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for
 psychoanalysis, all right?
 
 And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who
 are  dangerous.  As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes,
 drink too  much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet.  The
 reality? Women  don't like guys who are dangerous.  Women want us
 to think that  because women are trying to kill us.
 
 Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about
 as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta,
 maybe think women want from men.
 
1. Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly
   steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power
   they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent
   affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can
   go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to
   any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.
4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys.  Look
   at... say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to
   you.  You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a
   slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent
   less than Carl.  Hellooo!!!!!!!!!
5. This is very important:  During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's
   your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny. Think
   ABOUT IT!!!!
6. When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out.
   Words are kind of important.
7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock
   stars to have women their own age in their videos.
8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you
   should know if she came.
9. Don't tell her how to merge & she won't tell you to ask for
   directions.
10. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in
    your sleep, take it like a man.
 
 So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay,
 fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a
 genuine effort at understanding who they really are.  Or if that's
 too much to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your
 head?
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 14:06:50 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: Ethnic Jokes <adult, offensive>
 
(via Clint Heine, w/some mod's)

What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
        Trilingual
What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?
        Bilingual
What do you call someone who speaks 1 language?
        An American
 
Q: Why do American 18-year-olds take sex education courses?
A: So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past
   five years.
 
Q: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.
   In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
 
Q: Why don't Brits get hemorrhoids?
A: Because they are perfect arseholes.
 
Q: Why are there 2 X's on Dos Equis beer?
A: Every Mexican needs a co-signer.
 
Q: Why did they take the "911" numbers off the police patrol cars?
A: Mexicans kept stealing them, thinking they were Porsches.
 
Q. What's the definition of a maniac?
A. A Frenchman in a whorehouse with a credit card.
 
Q: How is an Italian hearse different from a regular one?
A: In an Italian hearse, the body is always in the trunk.
 
Q: How can you recognize an Italian airline?
A: The planes all have hair under their wings.
 
Q: What is another name for an Italian with a war medal?
A: Thief.
 
Q: How do you fit 25 Germans into a mini-van?
A: Make one the boss & the rest will crawl up his arse.
 
Q: What do Russians call a TV set that goes five years without need
   of repair?
A: An import.
 
A girl sat sobbing in the police station.....
"I was raped by a Polack," she wailed.
"How do you know it was a Polack?" the detective asked.
"I had to help him!" the girl replied.
 
Q: Why do birds fly upside down over Poland?
A: Because there's nothing worth shitting on.
 
Q: What do you call the owner of a Polish-made car?
A: A pedestrian.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 13:36:37 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: BRady bunCH paRodY(Adult)
 
The Shady Bunch (to the tune of "The Brady Bunch")
 
Here's the story, of a First Lady,
who was fighting off three very naughty girls.
All of them have had Her Man, like the others,
the youngest one... oral.
 
It's the story, of a man Slick Willy,
who was busy with three sharks of his own.
They were four men, dodging each other,
over a land deal blown.
 
Till the one day when Lewinsky met this fellow
and they lied about the times he was her lunch,
then this group, it somehow became scandle.
That's the way they all became The Shady Bunch.
 
The Shady Bunch.......
 
The Shady Bunch...
 
That's the way... they became... The Shady Bunch!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 19:58:26 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: Stand and deliver
 
The Queen and Di were out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range
Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leapt out of the bushes and
stopped the car. "Give us your money," they shouted at the Queen.
 
"But I'm the Queen of England; I have no need for money."
 
"Oh, shit," said the leader of the armed band, and turned to Di.
"Give us yer jewels."
 
"But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."
 
The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the sound
of wailing sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car. We'll have
the Range Rover at least!"
 
And with that the robbers drove off. As the Queen and Di waited for
the police to get there, Di turned to the Queen. "What did you do
with all the cash you had? You're always loaded."
 
"Ah," said the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds
before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them
into that little private place that women have." Reaching under her
skirt, she produced several thousand pounds in notes.
 
"And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of
jewelry, my dear," the Queen said to Di.
 
"Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the
car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you,
slipped them into that little place that only women have." Reaching
down, she plucked out her jewelry.
 
They both sat quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turned to
Di. "You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have that
Range Rover."
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 15:14:14 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #7 (2 of 3)
 
Copied from Houston Chronicle collumnist Jim Barlow:
 
                  Their feet aren't like Mike's
 
The Things You Would Never Know if You Didn't Read This Column. A
survey of Women's National Basketball Association athletic trainers
found WNBA players have relatively healthy feet. Only 17 percent of
them suffer from nail fungus, compared with 28 percent of players
in the men's National Basketball Association.
 
And in related news, Trans Pacific Trading Co. of Del Mar, Calif.,
promises that its Gran's Remedy "eliminates stinky feet and
footwear odor for up to six months."
 
The Plain English Award goes this time to the following news
release:
 
"Houston -- Texas Micro Inc. (NASDAQ:TEXM), a leading manufacturer
of industrial tower and rackmount computing platforms and passive
backplane Intel-based Single Board Computers, has expanded its
family of completely modular, highly configurable OEM computing
solutions -- the MultiPro(TM) MP3600 Series. The 14 ISA or 13
PCI/ISA slot MultiPro family offers a variety of configurations
with various form factors, backplanes, single board computers and
power suppliers for those wanting economical solutions with optimal
performance, expansion options and controlled upgrade paths."
 
The Headline Grabber Award to the following news release: "Your
skirt's too short! (And 7 more things women do to hurt themselves
in business!)"
 
Signs of the times, from Travel Weekly, a trade magazine.
 
 * On the door of a pub in Shrewsbury, Great Britain. "Disabled
   toilet & Ladies."
 
 * On the grounds of the Atlantis Resort on Paradise Island in the
   Bahamas: "Please do not drop your cigarette butts on the ground.
   The fish crawl out at night to smoke them and we are trying to
   get them to quit."
 
(To be contiued)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 17:23:40 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Mostly cynical observations about current events & life
 
Selected from recent issues of THE VENT (Atlanta Jl-Const)
 
If Monica had never existed, Keeneth Starr would still be spending
our tax dollars looking for dirt and Bob Barr would still be
running around yelling "Citizen's arrest! Citizen's arrest!"
 
Can you believe the nerve of Larry King, who has married seven
times, giving Clinton marriage advice?
 
Do you think Bill Clinton cranked up these hurricanes to divert
media attention from his personal problems?
 
From a bumper sticker: Dyslexics have more fnu.
 
Possible occupation for Clinton after he leaves office: Co-host on
MTV's Love Line.
 
Bumper sticker for Clinton's car: Make Love AND War
 
Is it possible, if you have a beard or a mustache, to tell a
blad-faced lie?
 
I may be a little sick, but when I see those people on TV who won't
evacuate and say they want to ride out the hurricane, I start
rooting for the hurricane.
 
Newt has made a career out of bashing so-called inefficient
government bureaucracies. When was the last time he tried to call
Sears' service department or Delta?
 
What do D.B. Cooper, Eric Robert Rudolph, and a single sock have in
common? Answer: Nobody, including the FBI, knows where they go to
hide!
 
If Jesus were running as a Democrat, the Republicans would
investigate him for turning water into wine without a license.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 18:36:03 -0800
From:    Stan Kegel <kegel@FEA.NET>
Subject: Spielberg Movie (Pun)
 
Steven Spielberg's latest movie has brought rise to a possible
sequel.
 
Picture this: A young soldier is wounded and brought to a military
hospital, a la Mash. A beautiful French nurse prepares him for
surgery. Of course they fall in love, he recovers and they live
happily ever after.
 
Oh yes the movie should be called... Shaving Ryan's Privates.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 21:39:03 -0400
From:    "Alan G. Rosenberg" <arosenb@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Old Man and the Jar (risque)
 
Sent to me by a friend ...
 
  A 70-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home
and bring me back a  sample tomorrow."
  The next day the 70-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the
previous day.  The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:
  "Well, doc, it's like this:  First I tried with my right hand
but, nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
 Then I asked my wife for help.
  "She tried with her right hand -- nothing. Then her left, but
nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
  "We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both
hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
  The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"
  The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we
couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Fri, 4 Sep 1998 09:47:46 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: On Commuting <cleanish..>
 
This is a transcript between a commuter and the Railways,regarding
services of the latter.
 
Gentlemen:  I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty two
years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse evry
day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile
trip. I think the transportation system is worse that that enjoyed
by people 2,000 years ago.
 
Yours truly,
A Commuter
 
          The Reply to the above:-
 
Dear Sir:  We received your letter with reference to the
shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused
in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago
was by foot.
 
Sincerely,
Western Railways
 
          The Reply was:-
 
Gentlemen:  I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the
ones who are confused in your history.  If you will refer to the
Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode
to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been
able to do on your train in the last twenty two years.
 
Yours truly,
A Commuter
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 3 Sep 1998 to 4 Sep 1998
**********************************************
 
