HUMOR Digest - 2 Sep 1998 to 3 Sep 1998
There are 15 messages totalling 606 lines in this issue.
 
Topics of the day:
 
  1. knowledge
  2. Army Life
  3. The 'Net does not make you gay <clean-ish>
  4. More Clinton Jokes <political>
  5. I Got Lucky!
  6. BloNde nEar dEath
  7. A Poem by Shel Silverstein
  8. Humor - Weird Business News #7 (1 of 3)
  9. A little war humour <adult> <tasteless>
 10. Her Occupation <adult>
 11. It Was An Accident!
 12. Short bursts of humor mostly about current events
 13. Cross Talk
 14. Forms of (Dis)Belief
 15. Q & A <adult>
 
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Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:27:33 +0300
From:    Leo Heler <leopold@ACID.MATCO.RO>
Subject: knowledge
 
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister
pulled his hair.  "Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little
sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
 
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother
says... "Now she knows."
 
(thanx to ADAB)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 04:31:30 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@QIS.NET>
Subject: Army Life
 
* A solider, leaving an Army Base, was overheard telling a friend,
  "This has gotta be love at first sight. It's only an 8 hour pass"
                              - - - - -
 
* The Sergeant was explaining some important points to a squad of
  recruits on the rifle range.  "This type of bullet will penetrate
  2' of solid wood," he said, "so remember to keep your heads down"
                              - - - - -
 
* An applicant for a job listed his last occupation as "US Army."
  He gave his title as "Sergeant" and duties as "Operation Desert
  Storm."   Under "reason for leaving" he printed, "Won the war."
                              - - - - -
 
*   As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered.  One soldier
  asked  another, "Who are all those cheering people ?"
    The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
                              - - - - -
 
*   The instructor wanted to impress upon the soldiers how horrific
  any combat could become using nuclear weapons.  He told the
  class, "The next war will be over in a matter of hours."
    One recruit whispered to a buddy, "Good.  We'll get the rest of
  the day off then."
                              - - - - -
 
* A personnel clerk at Fort Meade received a document, initialed it
  and passed it on to the Duty Officer.  It promptly came back with
  a note attached:  "This document didn't concern you.  Erase your
  initials and initial the erasure."
                              - - - - -
 
*   In spite of regulations, the enlisted man fell in love with an
  Army Nurse holding the rank of Captain.  One morning, following a
  lover's quarrel, they passed each other without a single sign of
  recognition.
    A Lieutenant witnessed the scene and stopped the non-com. "That
  woman is an officer and you didn't even salute her."
    "Salute hell." the solider whined. "We're not even speaking !"
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Indexed UGA Humor Digests [zip format] 1997-1998:
   http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293
 
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------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 12:24:53 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The 'Net does not make you gay <clean-ish>
 
This was from CNN text news:
 
REPORT: INTERNET CAN MAKE YOU LONELY, DEPRESSED
 
Internet users who spend even a few hours a week online at home
experience higher levels of depression and loneliness than if they
had used the computer network less frequently, The New York Times
reported.
 
Mandatory stupid jokes follow: Reasons why the 'Net makes me
depressed:
 
* 0.00001% response rate to my multi-level marketing spam.
 
* So difficult to convey the effects of my plastic surgery via
  ASCII.
 
* My inability to  spell is now well-known to 2 billion people
  around the world.
 
* Lost a bundle at some Internet casino based in Moldavia.
 
* People in my favourite mailing list believe that I am a bot and
  send me messages in binary form only.
 
* My dog got hold of my password and now my mailbox is clogged
  with posts from lists called "Machocanines" and
  "Allcatsarewimps".

 
* Cherry Bonbon, one of the darlings of my favourite newsgroup,
  has turned out to be a female impersonator.
 
* I discovered that my ISP modem is two tin cans connected by a
  piece of string.
 
* My latest post, "The use of interest rates in currency support,
  whilst maintaining a sustainable growth", to an Economy list has
  been acknowledged by the listowner with: "HAHAHAHAHA!!".
 
* My latest joke to HUMOR resulted in 1743 e-mails telling me that
  it was the most moving, touching, heart-breaking story they had
  ever read.
 
* The members of an online support group "There is always hope
  4U", think I am hopeless.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 07:42:20 -0400
From:    Jimmy Farrar <jfarrar@UZUNCASE.COM>
Subject: More Clinton Jokes <political>
 
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
 
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he
replied, "I don't know. I never had one."
 
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and
you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-
winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
 
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a
time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm
elected...'"
 
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be
president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
 
The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle"
because he is so full of sh.. that he can't fly.
 
Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as
putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
 
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest
leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
 
Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in
Asia are just like kids everywhere else."
 
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:08:51 -0400
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: I Got Lucky!
 
One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices
she's  wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you
get that necklace?" She replies,  "I won it in a raffle at work. Go
get my bath  ready while I start supper."
 
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond
bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She
replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while
I start supper."
 
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work
wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle
at work?" She  replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my
bath ready while I start supper."
 
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there
is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband,
"HEY!  There's only an inch of water in the tub!" He replies, "I
didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:02:44 -0500
From:    RAINYBOW <wett@COMMUNIQUE.NET>
Subject: BloNde nEar dEath
 
A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever.
 
The other day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine
until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all
her might to hang on, but was thrown off.
 
Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught
in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the
ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not
stop or even slow down.
 
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-
Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 10:22:00 -0500
From:    Michael Cornelius <michael@DSNDATA.COM>
Subject: A Poem by Shel Silverstein
 
        If you have to do the dishes
                such an awful, boring chore--
        If you have to do the dishes
                instead of going to the store--
        If you have to do the dishes
                and you drop one on the floor,
        maybe they won't let you do the dishes anymore!
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 11:01:48 -0500
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Weird Business News #7 (1 of 3)
 
Copied from Houston Chronicle collumnist Jim Barlow:
 
 
 NEW MONTH. Old subject. Weird Business News.
 
It's time to explore the strange items that have landed -- often
with a thud -- on your faithful correspondent's desk in the past
month.
 
Let's start off with our Deal of the Century award to the Home
Shopping Network, which on Dec. 31, 1999, will auction off "the 144
actual bulbs that adorn the famous New Year's Eve Ball high atop
One Times Square." Batteries not included.
 
Wonderbra, the company that knows how to put up a good front,
unveiled its latest Rivera line of lingerie last month in the most
exciting manner possible. No. Not that. They hired a 137-foot
luxury yacht to dock in Los Angeles stocked with models wearing
"demi-bras and panties," according to the news release. Well, I
guess you just had to be there.
 
Great Business Names:
 
* Want Want Holdings Ltd. of Singapore, which makes rice crackers.
 
* Fatigue Technology of Seattle, which specializes in products for
  the aerospace industry, especially Boeing.
 
* Starbase-1 Coffee Company Ltd. of Las Vegas, which trades on the
  Over-the-Counter Market under the symbol "Trek."
 
Reflecting the broader range of duties of its members, the
Professional Secretaries International is now the International
Association of Administrative Professionals. I don't know about
where you work, but around here we stand at attention when the
administrative professionals speak.
 
 
(To be continued)
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 17:32:03 +0100
From:    Catweasel <catweasel@CATWEASEL.ORG>
Subject: A little war humour <adult> <tasteless>
 
    (Thanks to Little Dave, one of the sickest bastards
     it has ever been my pleasure to know)
 
Two men are pinned down in a foxhole when one feels the call of
nature. "Cover me, I gotta take a shit," he says to his buddy, and
then carefully makes his way to some nearby trees.
 
After 20 minutes with no sign of his friend the remaining soldier
starts to worry.  An hour later he is getting frantic.  After 3
hours alone he has accepted that he will probably never again see a
friendly face, for his chances of survival alone are approaching
zero.
 
Suddenly the now despondent soldier hears a familiar whistle, and
gives covering fire while his friend picks his way back to the
trench.  What the hell have you been doing all this time?" he asks.
 
"Oh, man," says our wayward hero.  "I found this woman over there,
she was so beautiful.  I've had the most incredible sex you can
imagine.  I must have fucked her every way possible."
 
His friend proceeds to clamour for details, asking "Did you fuck
her in the ass?"
 
"Oh yeah," reports our hero.  "It was incredible.  I've never seen
a more inviting ass."
 
"And did you stick it between her tits?"
 
"Such beautiful tits," comes the reply.  "So round and soft.  I
thought I'd died and gone to heaven."
 
"So, uh, does she give good blowjobs?"
 
Our hero looks a bit saddened at this point and says "I don't know.
I never found her head."
 
 
http://www.catweasel.org
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 13:37:40 -0400
From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@CORNELL.EDU>
Subject: Her Occupation <adult>
 
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her taxes.
 
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
 
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
 
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work.
That is much too crass.  Let's try to rephrase that."
 
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
 
"No, that's still too crude. Try again."
 
They both think for a minute, then the woman excitedly states, "I'm
a chicken farmer!"
 
The accountant is puzzled, "What does chicken farming have to do
with being a whore or a prostitute?"
 
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
 
 
http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16
http://members.xoom.com/bs16/
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 13:24:44 -0400
From:    Paul Benoit <Paul_Benoit@SPEEDLINE.COOKSON.COM>
Subject: It Was An Accident!
 
A Vermont state trooper was the first to arrive at the scene of a
two car accident.  As he pulled over, he saw two cars in ditches on
either side of an interstate highway, and a decapitated head in the
middle of the road.  Climbing out of his car, he stepped over to
the first car and pulled out a notepad... car in d-e-t-c-h...
"nope, that's not it"... car in d-e-c-t-h...  "nope, that's not it
either"... car in d-e-i-t-c... "durn, that ain't it either"... car
in d-i-t-c-h... "yeah, thats it!"
 
The cop then stepped across the road to the other car, and wrote
down the same info as the first.  Then he walked over to the
decapitated head lying in the middle of the interstate. Head in
e-n-t-i-r-s-t-i-t... "nope, that ain't it"... Head in i-n-d...
 
The cop then looks around and quickly kicks the head into the
ditch... d-i-t-c-h... "Yeah, that sounds good!"
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 16:07:33 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Short bursts of humor mostly about current events
 
Taken from recent issues of the Atlanta Journal-Constitutions,
the vent column.
 
My boss believes in having a $1,000 meeting to solve a $100
problem.
 
You know you've reached old age when you start liking New Age
music.
 
Is the Clinton legal defense fund giving refunds?
 
We spent $100 million to attack one factory and some tents.
Sort of makes Ken Starr look like a cheapskate.
 
Witnessed: Lady driving 80 mph on the interstate, cutting bangs
with scissors.
 
Why is it that when you're in trouble, you're in the doghouse and
when you've got it made, you're in the catbird seat?
 
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. My desk is a work station.
 
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole more
as they get older. Then it dawned on me: They're cramming for their
finals.
 
The very same people who believed Ronald Reagan and George Bush
when they lied about Iran-Contra are calling for Clinton's
impeachment over an inappropriate relationship with a White House
Intern!
 
I expected Jesse to also say, "You should have had remorse before
the intercourse, you should have said good bye before the tie, and
you should not have made a mess on the dress, you wouldn't be in
the press!"
 
Why do they put the slowest check out clerks in the express lanes
at grocery stores?
 
Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, large fires
and a Diet coke.
 
Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well. "Poli" in Latin means "many" and "tics" mean
"blood-sucking creatures."

 
Pro Wrestling isn't fake, it's "legally accurate."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 16:09:57 EDT
From:    Neil Rigby <NRigbyking@AOL.COM>
Subject: Cross Talk
 
A liberal preacher was invited by a liberal school principal to
talk to her older girls about Christianity and Sex. Not wishing to
upset his less tolerant wife, the preacher entered the engagement
in the diary as "Talk to girls about sailing."
 
A day or so after his talk, the principal met the preacher's wife.
"So very good of your husband to talk to my girls the other
evening. He was quite splendid and so helpful."
 
"I can't imagine what he knows about it," replied the preacher's
wife, "he's only done it twice and the first time he was sick and
on the second occasion his hat blew off."
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Wed, 2 Sep 1998 20:29:49 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: Forms of (Dis)Belief
 
Forms of (Dis)Belief
 
     Theist:   I know.
 
     Atheist:  I know.
 
     Agnostic: I don't know.
 
     Apathist: I don't care.
 
------------------------------
 
Date:    Thu, 3 Sep 1998 10:04:37 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Q & A <adult>
 
Q. What Is Similarity Between an Audio Cassette And A Girl?
A. You Can Use Them On Either Side.
 
Q. What Is The Similarity Between Girl  And Tea?
A. Both Are Hot, Have Milk And Are Needed While Rising.
 
Q. What Is The Difference Between Sky And A Skirt?
A. The Sky Covers the Whole  Universe And A Skirt Covers
   the Universal Hole.
 
Q. What Is The Difference Between Men's Cricket And
   Women's Cricket?
A. In Men's Cricket There Is A Short Leg Between Two
   Long Legs While In Women's Cricket There Is Deep Gully
   Between Two Fine Legs.
 
Q. What Did The Egyptian Boy Say To The Egyptian Girl?
A. Come Behind The Pyramid And I Will Make You A Mummy.
 
Q. What Did Newton's cock Say To Newton?
A. Fuck Your Law Of Gravity, I Am Going Up.
 
------------------------------
 
End of HUMOR Digest - 2 Sep 1998 to 3 Sep 1998
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